TAGPUAN

go to my new blog

2007-03-17T11:42:00.000+08:00

moved to:

http://hellosoul.blogspot.com

to the romantic kid i knew

2007-02-28T18:43:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, you do have a strong desire for something and maybe, you wish to grab - full range of it. Every one in sight leaves each time you see the person, alone in his little world while you picture him coming towards you. But he’s no longer the same. You honestly surrender all of your emotions that will lope to the core of his heart but this time, he won’t be aware of it anymore. You observe love in the hopes that he would soon be able to realize what he is losing.

You aren’t the romantic kid anymore…

Maybe you must find yourself, perhaps in yet undiscovered places…

Where you can build your character that he could’ve treasured…

If he only saw what was real…

tears for regrets

2007-02-06T21:23:00.000+08:00

'There seems to be a kind of order in the universe…in the movement of the stars and the turning of the Earth and the changing of the seasons. But human life is almost pure chaos. Everyone takes his stance, asserts his own right and feelings, mistaking the motives of others, and his own."

- Katherine Anne PorterIn silence, in some way, fear dominates it all. Everything’s left with the unknown, hands outstretched seeking for companionship. The feeling of losing a part is somehow equal to a defeat from all chances and possibilities that had departed before they’ve given their meaning in one’s life. One person tries to let go, without even knowing what it is he’s letting go.

Then he attributes his blame to fate, when ignorance was the predator in the very first place.

Stop being one stupid fool, Ayie.

I don’t play games anymore. I disappeared from false belief's shadow. Cheers to what's real this time.

JAMES BLUNT'S Goodbye My Lover (Goodbye My Friend)

2007-02-04T10:39:00.000+08:00

I am a dreamer but when I wake

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take

And as you move on, remember me

Remember us and all we used to be

i am a dreamer, big time... argh!

2007-01-27T20:52:00.000+08:00

I woke up today with my anticipation of seeing Maria Sharapova play for the Australian Open Finals. I watched her game with Serena Williams on Star Sports. Throughout the game, I was frantic about seeing her play with her unusual condition on court.

I already had a feeling that it will not be impossible for Williams to win. I’m a 100% Sharapova devotee (or whatever you may call me) but beforehand, I’ve got to observe the strength of will from the unseeded Williams. And although my Maria, seeded as the World no. 1 (she’ll get the title on Tuesday, woohooo), I knew that she may encounter a tight play today.

My favorite Maria outfit (also from the Australian Open 2007):

The Tag Heuer Formula 1 and Sharapova (as one of her endorsements):

By the way, I saw the Tag Heuer Aquaracer today on the market and they sell it for PHP59, 985 to be exact. Fudgggeeee, I want any of the two. Dream on, Ayie! Boo. :(

She lost. I can attest to what our professor once told us. At some point, somehow, we feel affected by the emotions that constitute the hearts of people we admire or look up to. I also sensed the happiness and sadness Maria told the crowd about what she felt this morning. I enfolded all those emotions by screaming in front of the TV, “Maria, you’re still rich! You’re still pretty!” Truth is, losing comes. Something changes all the time. A part of us is reawakened, and then we start fighting once again. That’s a great part to live through.

This is a world of dreamers and soul makers. Yesterday morning, I discussed some things with someone and decided to write our long-term goals on a piece of paper. We stapled our papers and swapped. She’ll keep mine and I’ll keep hers. We agreed on reading them someday, maybe after college when some of our dreams and goals are already taking place. The catch is, we need to find each other first to help us remember all those things.

something random

2007-01-09T14:56:00.000+08:00

We are all the same

Human in all our ways and all our pain

(So let it be)

There's a love that could fall down like rain

(Let us see)

Let forgiveness wash away the pain

(What we need)

And no one really knows what they are searching for

(We believe)

This world is crying for so much more

So this world

Is too much

For you to take

Just lay it down and follow me

I'll be everything you need

In every way

"We Believe" Good Charlotte

Happy New Year

2006-12-31T17:41:00.000+08:00

I’m currently listening to a song that reminds of people I’ve met and loved throughout the year. Playing it gives me a lot of memories and realizations about the journey I had made. At this time, I’m putting an end to some, closing toward the end of another year.

Next to me is a picture of someone---taken two years ago, the first time I ever got to know the person. The smile, the aura, and the surroundings remind me of another time, my inability to respond when it comes to new atmosphere of feelings, not sure about falling in love.

Sometimes we tend to forget what made us fall in love in the first place. Half way down the block, the rivalry between us and reality is often intense. I’ve made a lot of mistakes for the whole year. Usual traps of mine simply didn’t work out. The best part of all? I got to know myself well and the time I reached that point, it started my knowledge regarding things I can give and share to others. A myriad of situations changed me and that’s one reason why I’m still here, sacrificing for a principle.

Tonight, it will be great if I consider people who just came in my life as certainty. Treat them in a special way. I should keep in mind how different things will be if I am to lose them. I’m not responsible just once for all the decisions I make neither forced to live. I still won’t make a New Year’s resolution. There are so many other things I should commit myself to and why not change right at that moment when you realize something’s wrong?

A part of me wants the year 2007 to come crashing down but it's not possible. I'm hoping to see new opportunities through fresh eyes starting tomorrow.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

wandering thoughts

2006-12-28T20:35:00.000+08:00

"Mr. Clay" Bamboo All by myself I know that I stand here alone. All your lies they feed me. I'm stronger now, stronger now than I was before. There's no way you can hurt me, move me, stop me.

I really don’t know how to start this entry. I’ve got so many things to say, things I don’t intend to just lapse into silence. For once, several days offered the best world for dreamers. I came to a point where I didn’t have to fill some spaces with formless reasons. Those days were important to me. I had felt the harshness of life departing and said to myself, I don’t believe in it anymore. But then again, that’s impossible. Running away from reality only gives a person half of the experience.

Last Tuesday, we went to Enchanted Kingdom. I saw the child in me, how my spirit was transfixed out of my amazement on things. It was a time when I didn’t sense any thing other than excitement. There was a driving impulse. All I wanted that time was to experience all those rides and didn’t care whether or not I couldn’t take the heights.

I meandered freely across the park, rode the Space Shuttle, Anchor’s Away, Wheel of Fate and all that. Happiness didn’t end there. Recalling the times we did paintball and karting couldn’t quell blissful thoughts that fulfilled my spirit. I was there; at a certain space where things turned the way I wanted and expected them to.

I had coffee with Kyels and Matthew at Gloria Jean’s Rockwell yesterday afternoon. It was a wonderful bonding moment where I found the two of them so funny that we even dared each other to do some crazy things. Boo you, you’re unfair! Haha. I can’t deny such zenith of excitement is one thing I can play over and over again. Ahhha!

We moved to Eastwoood, had dinner at Teriyaki Boy and found ourselves in OJ’s bar. I only got two bottles of beer and was utterly emotive with the music being played by an acoustic band. I held those sad emotions in abeyance, promised some things to myself. In a very short amount of time, Kyels and Matthew will soon be leaving Pinas. I knew it last night, I’d really really miss them.

The two of them are back in their country, Malaysia. I still fancy all those moments I had with them. They took great care in me. We may have argued earlier over some things but nothing can change the fact that I learned a lot from them. I was often swayed by their ideas, maybe because I’m the kind of person who’s always scared. They’re great persons who reminded me about certain ways to attack whatever system or narrow ideas present, and mostly, to not limit my outlook in life. God, they’re my true friends.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2006-12-24T19:54:00.000+08:00

Sharing this with a person this afternoon was a practical gesture that I'm not living alone in this world.

I came out with my friends last night. We spent our night in Greenbelt, played at Timezone arcade. On our way to a bar, fireworks flickered in the soundless night so we stopped to watch first. From the 3rd level of GB3, I observed people looking at those playful colors, noiseless, but I sensed their emotions.

We went clubbing after. Absolut Vodka once again! ;) I danced as the deafening-like sound linked with every move I did. My body became exhausted but I didn’t crawl home like a snake. Last night, I learned so many things again from my dear friends. Everything is connected. You have to build your own foundation to not find yourself crumbling so bad someday. How? You must figure it out on your own. Things may appear unpleasant but life doesn’t end there. Taking a broader look and risking some things can make us understand the real language of life.

24th of December (Greenbelt)

Tonight is the night before Christmas and all through the night, I know that I’ll go reminisce about so many things, reliving the past. I’ve realized that this is going to be one Christmas I won’t ever forget. For the past few days, all the while, I was very determined to make the best of it. Sadly, problems approached my way. But maybe, things had to run like that for me to find out what Christmas spirit really means.

I’m now conversing with my reflection. It has been years that we celebrate the season along with my usual giggling in my anticipation for gifts. I trudge across this experience-filled road with my understanding that as I grow older, I receive less gifts but my attention is now centered on people who’ve touched me for the whole year---people who shared every second of happiness or even pain with me.

I thank God for giving me someone. There's always a hand for me to take. Walking on with someone and connected in love is one thing which created my perception that everything might fall down but there’s still one person in this 6.5 billion population who is willing to steady the world for me in whichever way no matter how painful. It offered the profound meaning of faith, passion, devotion and love to me. Now, I believe, I’m in the doorway where I can silently welcome Christmas by trusting myself and believing in life.

A moment of great inspiration is what you give me all the time.

Chirstmas is love.

I say this because I am experiencing it.

God, thank you so much!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU!

tagaytay and batangas

2006-12-22T23:32:00.000+08:00

I think I’ve just crossed the threshold between reality and fantasy. The moment we arrived at Taal Vista in Tagaytay this afternoon, the view captivated my attention. It was stunning, beautiful and dramatic indeed. I felt that something in me was hurting but without waiting for another moment to escape. I knew that it was the best time to be alive. I wrote down a short poem using my phone.

From there, we moved to Picnic Grove. There was a tourist guide who gave us an offer if we’d want to avail a package in order for us to have a closer look on the Taal Volcano. Since my two friends love photography, they said it was all right. When everything was settled, we got in the car and had a short drive to Batangas.

The waves were a bit terrible when we were on the boat. Our bodies became wet but excitement filled the air. It reminded me of our boat ride in Palawan before. Oooh good memories. I looked up, tilted my head, and observed the wonder of my surroundings.

riding a horse

When we reached the shore, we can rather trek or ride a horse. We rented horses going up. Ahh, what an adventure! Unfortunately, it was past 6 in the evening when we reached the top. We did have a look on the crater of Taal but it was a bit gloomy already.

top!

(I got this crater picture from someone on the net. As what I've said, it was a bit dark already when we reached that place so wasn't able to capture it like that.)

Amazement came out naturally. Imagine, I was there, as the clouds masked everything, every corner I could see. The wind blew through my skin and finally, I got the feeling that I was part of something – something real and beautiful.

When we rode our horses again to go down, I began to remember how much I enjoyed it, being outside, having an intimate connection with a piece from the world. It was really really dark and it scared me somehow so I decided listening to some songs on my iPod. The stars were out, warm and glowing very slowly. They guided my thoughts on how I should face tomorrow when everything will be different again.

maybe this is really a wonderful world

2006-12-21T09:25:00.000+08:00

I used to think that nothing beats flesh and blood. But lately I’ve realized that there are people I just meet or friends I’ve known for a long time who won’t use the metaphor of wounding my feelings---particularly my inner feelings.

My friends from Malaysia arrived in Pinas last Monday and since then, we’ve been going to some places in Manila. I go out almost everyday and I’m glad for that. Like last Tuesday, we went to Bagaberde to watch Nina’s and Nyoy’s performances. I totally allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the night. Absolut vodka! Haha. Yesterday, we visited Rizal Park, Intramuros and Coconut Palace. Through the act of wandering around, I’m appreciating my country more same as with the beauty of the world. From that, I’ve been finding my worth. My friends took some photos. I might post the link here soon.

Our university had the Paskuhan last night; an event for everyone this Christmas season. Too bad I wasn’t really able to watch the fireworks. We got stuck in the traffic. Argh. But nonetheless, still kinda lucky that I was able to see it, very briefly though. There were various performances from students last night and some bands also performed. I walked with Kyels, Matt and Jessica around the campus. I toured them inside with Jessica. Haha.

I had a wonderful discussion with Kyels. I know, I crumbled apart recently after being suspected by these people close to me that I’ve been keeping a dark secret regarding myself. Fuck it. She told me that I should go, find my way. I definitely believe that we all have what it takes to make it there---to that place where we can be honest to ourselves, gain the pride of finding peace, acceptance and the road to endless possibilities.

I want to hold my life on my own. Will it ever be “happily ever after” for me? I don’t know. I honestly told her as well that I have this fear of seeing myself alone someday. Faith is still within me and it has a tendency to provide me the power of holding chances by removing the odds from my mind.

I may have the feeling of loss at some point but it doesn’t kill me anyway. If ever I hold pain, will I ever reach numbness? If ever I hold happiness, will it ever make me forget about some things? I thought I was stronger than this. This time, I guess I should be. The challenge is here, that living must be constantly made.

To one person pulling me down: Thank you very much. It’s strange to me how you can ever find pleasure from hurting others. Does that make you pathetic? Or a person who doesn’t have a life to live on his own? And what’s special about your life anyway? Money, beauty and fame? The artificial world, oh no! I pity you.

phoenix

2006-11-25T14:21:00.000+08:00

Unexpected twists are coming in my life. I don’t find myself at a point where things are ending. Thoughts and actions are swallowed by my passion to love - every second of it. I’ve been admiring the phoenix, a legendary bird for a long time. It gets pleasure from immortality as it is renewed with fire every 500 years from the ashes. The thought of being like a phoenix can only take my mind as far as I’d want to because in reality, I can’t be exactly like it. Through the declaration of some truth, I want a new life. I want to fix some things at a better place. Hopefully, scars will just remind me of the past, make me less angry this time. Then maybe, it will be a new life for me.

Last night, I had couple of drinks with good friends. I realized how captivated I am with the act of guidance they give me; the great feeling of our bond like a family and sometimes, even more. They’re always there. When it comes to people, I don’t embrace just anybody. I need to know about your inherent beautiful qualities and great stories to tell which I can admire, learn from.

Whenever I attach myself to something, it will be hard for me to stay away from it that easy. Not because I am a believer of forever whatsoever, but the fact that I know it can’t be repeated again. I can be selfless. So when I find something to passionately love, I learn to make use of my strengths and weaknesses, see where they’ll take me.

Being happy is a wonderful thing. I’ve forgotten how it feels to say how happy I am at a certain point. Saying it is easy same as the feeling that is transient. Holding happiness is quite sensitive, for it opens a person to fragility, easily damaged, easily broken. That’s a scary part.

I can forget myself and avoid learning from past mistakes. There goes the challenge for me to face. Let things rush over me, stand firmly and with a direction. I openly said a lot of things about me to someone, which no one else knows. I believe it’s a great way looking at the world. You can still find someone whom you can trust and put everything in perspective. Start believing that you two can go far together.

This time, I will not permit myself to get lost. The bleak path must vanish. I’m still a bit angry and bitter but not seeking revenge. I’m ready to take chances, see people leave if they must. It’s not anyone’s problem, anyone’s fault why things suddenly bend, suddenly end. It’s really about the choices we make. It’s the process that will dare us to hope, to live and to fight… to try again.

:)

2006-11-20T20:42:00.000+08:00

"Some things are true whether you believe in them or not." ---City of Angels

I am not going anywhere, bound to be present through my shadow that is often pursued by the light. For one reason, I see you as my light, the greatest. This is the best time to thank God.

part of change's web

2006-11-10T17:26:00.000+08:00

"GRAVITY" Vienna Teng
Look love
They've given up believing
They've turned aside our stories of the gentle fall
But don't you believe them
Don't you drink their poison too
These are the scars that words have carved on me

Up to now, there are times I’d love to see myself in a coffee shop, being with someone, and just so interested exchanging our stories. I did it with a friend last Wednesday as we discussed about the important things we consider at this point; what we need, what we want, what we feel, how we act in response to their call. Talking personally and listening to the voice of a person’s heart appears to be an act of becoming genuinely interested in others, getting familiar with the world he has. The reason is not only about the intention to know the story behind a thing, but more importantly, comprehending on why the person likes a thing that much and how passionate he can go for it. I’d also want to visualize how passion is presented and how it is seen and experienced with the way he looks at things. It’s the response that really matters.

It occurred to me the other day that there are things which are higher than my power to control. At the present, I can come up with several things which are significant to me, but though, time may come when these things will have little meaning already or no meaning at all. There are dirty little secrets that go unspoken in the everyday of our lives. They promote lying as long as no one would get hurt by the truth. As a person would continuously cover up these truths, the futile attempt can never deliver him from disappointment. Just for the sake of avoiding a conflict, people lie and consider alternatives and accept them as true.

There are things I miss doing. There are also things which I doubt if I can ever do again. I know it’s quite emotional, but it’s all part of not seeing the kind of self I used to be with a person before, with a person who’s no longer at my side. Going on with life is not just about doing just right in the mending a heart process or the art of letting go thingy. It’s more about the willingness to step out the gates of where I used to be, having the courage to modify, with a purpose to associate “the self” with new people and new options. Change is a product of one’s personal choice that cannot be dictated by what others do or react.

It’s pouring my heart and soul into something new and observing what kind of nourishment would appear, anticipating that there will be growth. There must be growth. I may even go the extra mile to find out what’s there to find, with my hope to pursue that things will be better this time around. If it means fighting about things I can never own, the experience is the one responsible for the kind of influence that will fit perfectly on me. It's taking risks, determined about not missing one thing that could change my life forever which is important this time.

just something

2006-11-05T10:07:00.000+08:00

OUR HOUSE IN CAVITE

Have you ever thought if things couldn’t just go back to the way they used to be as a child? Going home to Cavite last week, I felt how my longing extended up to the air. I was at a familiar setting, the place where I was raised. Everyone has their own time to hold the power on how to set goals and directions. With a set of circumstances, at some point in my life, I decided to move somewhere with my need to see and comprehend things about my self. My skills and instincts to determine what I wanted enabled me to move forward and live in Manila although with a deep seeded confusion.

Somewhere in the path of my young life, certain things came along which I encountered to define or destroy me. It takes a lot of courage most of the time. For me, there is only one hope in life left. It is by shaping our convictions that there are things that aren’t just real. And by accepting who we really are with sincerity to not pretend that we love ourselves and also others, it is the only truth from where we can start to climb up the ladder. One is a brand new person indeed..

I am sorry if my thoughts aren’t going somewhere. I am currently at a net café because our phone is (still) fucked up and there’s no DSL. Boo PLDT! I’ve been sort of melodramatic for the past few days. There are issues I can’t just toy around with. Please bear with me, that for me, the desire to be understood by others cannot be surpassed only by the action to be right. Here comes my desire to be right. I may not know how. All the time, I just follow my heart. I’ve forgotten the presence of my mind thinking that I might miss something. Tell me, is it the right thing to do? And, am I doing it now?

Funny how a friend of mind directly and honestly told me how others might be in complete doubt why I never had a boyfriend yet in my entire life. Apparently, we have different ways looking at it. I might work it out someday but I’m afraid now that I’m already decided. Okay, I must try to keep my mind and heart open. Maybe. It won’t do me any harm anyway. But I tell you, it’s hard for me.

Being with someone for me is that we don’t make demands. We don’t count on bizarre possibilities. We go on with our indomitable and self ambitious lives no matter what and when we need each other, we’ll be there for each other. There must be no suspicions and only little amount of jealousy because I find it sweet. Haha. I don’t want to be constantly asked whether I’ve been faithful. It’s just when I love someone, my feelings perfectly flow. I feel so free to show my inner emotions. That’s a great part, right?

reflections

2006-10-25T17:47:00.001+08:00

The Church

Have you ever been in a place where everything is highly uncomfortable? I tell you, eventhough going to this place we've just went to was a long 4-hour drive, arriving at our destination somehow lifted gripped fear out the grave. We went to Pangasinan today, visited the miraculous Our Lady of Manaoag. Out in the distance, I recalled a vision, somehow familiar. It was my second time to go there.

me!

with mom and sister

Far too long, I’ve been guilty of anger inside my chest. I don't forget and it was never easy for me to forgive. I would always spend time in the secret place of my heart, contemplating when can I ever go on and forgive these people who haven’t paid enough to me, unaware of my worth as a person or for causing pain to people who are very dear to me. Also, sometimes, rather than to be genuinely thankful of the person I am now, I can’t stop it if guilt ridden fear is around, thinking and feeling sorry if someone has been cursing me for giving pain in his life.

Where she was seen before

We are all given choices. I love being with honest people. People I can learn new things from. People who are real. It’s often distressing to observe that there are people who constantly judge right away without any clear understanding of situations. Fuck them. Fuck people who are too boastful. They’d constantly narrate the saga of their lives and how they’ve worked hard for their goals. I doubt how long they will go far while being so insensitive at the same time. For me, the reality is that you can’t have achieved goals or things by yourself without the will of someone up there. He is the person that gives the opportunity and ability to you. I struggle that much and how deep my pain now is something you can’t ever see. But hopes are everywhere. I see light from people who are worthy of my attention. I’ll never silently close my heart to them.

3 candles and my 3 prayers

Why do I say these things? Several bitter circumstances have just occured. Visiting the church in Pangasinan was a great opportunity. People say that it's okay to tell the Lady about your wishes and she might grant them. Aside from other things that I've wished for, what I really want in my life right now is to forgive and to be forgiven.

I'm lazy to blog! Rarrrr so just visit thishttp://photos.yahoo.com/ying_028 for more pix. You can find last Monday's pix also (my 18th bday). Hugs!

my 18th birthday

2006-10-20T16:33:00.000+08:00

..delivered yesterday from Mommy and Daddy...

THANK YOU!!!

Turning 18 had been a wonderful gift to me. The time I realized that it was my special day, the very moment implied gratification of all senses. Everything was closely related to the past but not identical. The contrast between wisdom and ignorance connived with my consciousness that I’ve learned many things through the years and the closing stages are far-flung.

My decision on how I am going to celebrate 19^th of October was central to drama. It involved my dilemma that I’m willing to have a formal party, with the 18 roses and everything, only if my dad could witness the celebration. For me, dancing with him on that very day will be the best gift I’d ever receive in life. It was an ongoing search for a moment with a very close person to my heart. The discordant bit that cannot make it all possible is that he’s out of the country and can’t leave work for a while for it. My inner drive to strongly support my decision came.

Here are some pictures. I can't upload all pictures yet because DSL fucked up at home and I'm at a net cafe right now...

with Tito Delfin, Tita Aida, Aim and Monica

with my girls

with my mom and sister

with Papa Jimmy and Mama Alice (my loving uncle and aunt)

I decided to stick with my plan of gathering my friends and spend my whole night with them. Last Tuesday, I went to Krocodile Grille in Greenbelt to make a reservation for next week. I told mom that that if we’ll have a dinner buffet whatsoever with our relatives, I want everything to be a simple one. Forget the getting and spending thing. I had no idea what came to her mind and I was just surprised that she had a reservation in Discovery Suites for me.

I appreciate everyone who came last night. I am very very happy. I found myself, who I am today. I owe my existence to my parents, from the day I was born, at once so delicate. The current manifestation of my character can no longer be separated from me. I still cannot win my freedom from the pain but I have to stand firmly on the ground and do what it takes to change something in this sorry world.

get real

2006-10-03T17:28:00.000+08:00

Having bizarre circumstances trained me to familiarize what is within me. I believe that what I call for is inside me: strength, determination and stability. I can give it a go if I would want to. It’s miraculous enough to just wake up in the morning, bear in mind that madness could begin or end immediately.

I don’t say that we don’t need people. Dealings with people around develop one’s horizons and learning is endless. I can learn about myself each time I learn something new about someone. What drives me to intimately hold on to a connection, whether it is with a buddy or family member, is achieving the affirmation that I am someone worthy of time and attention; and that I’m not used only for the worth he could get from me. A personal truth can produce a false expectation (we are worthy of love) when we create it as reality. That is why often times, people go away, depressed and lonely when love is not reciprocated. What I do think about is we don’t require socializing to satisfy our basic needs. Having ourselves is enough. Imagine the end where you’ll find yourself alone, calculating the amount of wisdom gained from all experiences.

Justifying our existence can be made each time we create relationships. I try to know myself well---fully. I’ve been practicing it. I want to make sure that I can come to myself to quench my loneliness when no one else could. I don’t want to be too much of a coward when no one affirms me. I should believe that I can get any better when I have confidence to share myself openly by revealing to them my wants and needs. If ever I share my anger only to myself, I’m just decent enough to not let anyone suffer on my selfish desires. And I am doing it, see.

Be fair. That’s all I ask.

If any moment you feel that you’ll falter, you know where to find me.

freedom in the air

2006-09-29T21:16:00.000+08:00

Electricity, water and phone fucked up yesterday due to the strong typhoon Milenyo. Whatthe. And for God’s sake, the calamity damaged the lives of many. Early in the morning, we thought about moving to my uncle’s place to save us from trouble and little inconveniences. Everything was packed up perfectly… when, dyaran! Electricity! Water! Phone! Back! Yeah, good thing everything went back to normal and that was around 8 or 9 in the morning I think. Today, temperate weather’s in the region.

I have always felt that one of the most significant things in the world is connection. To be able to converse, relate and reveal your inner side as much as you could to someone. I’ve admitted many times that I’m not friendly. I choose people I want to enter in my life and if it would require much commitment, I’d sincerely give it to them. If I don’t like you, please don’t hang around and wait for me utter a single word. I wouldn’t. People tell me things they don’t usually tell other people; maybe because I’m always prepared to offer my hand. I don’t think twice. I know right away who’s worth it.

I love my friends… I’m so in love with my friends who’ve been there to transmute this anger I occasionally feel into love. I was about to pay money for my plane tickets today because I’ll be flying in October but the system went down. I made plans about flying outside Pinas with my bestfriend but new decisions somehow broke previous plans. I have yet to see Petronas Towers. I really will. Probably, next year. Yeah! For the meantime, before this year ends, Aklan is my target place. And besides, my close friend lives there. I couldn’t wait to meet the whole familia.

I’d love to leave city life and its noise for a while. Give me a break. It contaminates my spirit. I long for different shores. I will never consider that this is all I deserve. I need new pictures with friends as we create smiles together, observe how the impact of several songs would change and breathing space will shed freedom. I yearn for peace and I’ll damn go for it. I. Can’t. Wait.

memoir

2006-09-28T17:14:00.000+08:00

I don’t know what to call it. There’s this force that drives me easily to consider new highs. And I talk more intimately and sincerely. I imagine myself standing. The crossroads. To be devoted to something is sweeter than the agony of defeat. I still… I still move violently against my personal will. I call it my daily struggles

Who’s gonna take me to the perimeter of the abyss? Falling.. Falling…Falling in.

A lot of changes have been occurring in my life lately which means more living and less blogging. I still write, once in a while on my other journal which nobody else knows. It’s an alternative during times when I shouldn’t be extremely open. I hold back my illegal fantasies and private acts. This is still my home. No matter how frank and honest I may be frequently, the reward I get has a bang that feels right.

Three years ago, my madness for one person started. Each day, I grew weak but my feelings for the person went high. I decided to go far, stand up through my desire and understand my thoughts. I became aware. Some questions I’ve asked for so many years were answered. That was the first time I got a tongue ring and an argument with my mother. It served as a symbol for a great possibility that knocked at my doors. I desperately defended logic, not minding how I should focus on things because I was afraid to forget about the best way to create depth. We parted ways with that person unaware how my heart was damaged inch by inch. Things between us were too short but without those things; a part of me wouldn’t be strong enough to face the gates of elusiveness. I saw myself aim for something bigger, risk walking on a scorching iron, look excited as the force of destruction would singe my wholeness. All I wanted was to be remembered---by the person. And was not serious in my meditation, one day, I heard it personally, and then I left.

And right now, I still look into the flames not that terrified by the energy and power in the fire. For the second time around, summer 2006 brought into new existence my second tongue ring. The breath in my lungs reduced the slightest ache the time I had it pierced. I felt very empty. Physical pain was inferior to all things that crumbled my world. What does this piercing remind me of? I should keep it as a secret. Something similar to anguish. But on the brighter side, the belligerent act of emptiness it would always remind me of taught me several things.

I learned about God. God mesmerized our family, lured us in to give an idea how a potent strength could be received as we endure the crisis. It grabbed my attention. There were times that I wanted to cry when I shouldn’t put my fears on view. My involvement on such difficulties consumed my spirit, and I started to believe, I’ll never be the same.

Why am I saying all these? I’ve realized that two things come together: the too short or too long. They both happen. They both come and go. And the fleeting moment they bring can modify every page of our lives.

Ohhh Maria!!!!

2006-09-20T20:44:00.000+08:00

Boo ENGLISH PAPER! Deliver me, deliver me from it! Rarrrrr. See my Masha? All mine! And I did the easiest way to get that one today. Yeeeeeheeee!!! Next target, Prince. :D

?

2006-09-19T18:26:00.000+08:00

How many steps forward are comparable to an act which is to live fully? And one must die to realize something he can never know.

find it

2006-09-15T20:39:00.000+08:00

This must be called a day. I slept early last night which I haven’t practiced for a long time. The moment morning came, I sensed good things coming. Today, I’ve realized that I am still a slave to emotions but the influence of my heart doesn’t bind me up in chains.

I went to R Place to get a gift for a friend and after doing so, my feet ended up entering the Nike Women store. Seeing my Sharapova, my goodness, I lost my defenses. She’s so beautiful! Right there and then, I got trapped by all marketing strategies. I won’t tell here how personal addictions became slightly impulsive! Heehee. From there, I moved to SM Mall of Asia and met an old friend.

For hours, we’ve discussed about personal matters. I’m so impressed on how I can actually always look at her and straightly tell my issues. Sensitively observing things around ultimately lead me to one profound thought. I’m so thankful that I found a friend like her. It has been eight years of letting somebody watch my soul and help me prove the strength in me. God, I love her.

She told me that it’s hard to unlearn something you’ve learned for a long time. My question is, how much more for something you’ve loved? I’ve let go. I did. At some point, I certainly believe that not everyone could understand me. I can even be called as one selfish bitch for a person! But I don’t care. I really don’t care. I just hope people won’t grasp things easily only for a fact that they see them happen and yet their minds don’t understand the story beyond. If they can’t do it, then I don’t mind also.

But everything doesn’t stop there. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I admitted them one by one. My eyes are now sharp that the hours are long; there’s a lifetime to escape from being a slave to the stupid system I allowed myself consume. I can’t take a life where walls are too narrow. I don’t want anyone to serve as destruction to my intimacy, ability to commit, and my way of letting the best in me come out. A lucid memory reminds me to remember how I got here in the first place. I don’t regret at all. It’s not always being right, following the rules and turning away from evil that could emphasize my depth and sincerity for reaching a good life. It’s my willpower to try a thing that I see is good even if others disagree. It talks about my strength of mind that no matter how discouraged I may be in the end,I knew what I wanted and made a way for it which most of the time, people don’t have courage to do so.

Life is merely walking through mazes. People come and go. I’m not anymore heavily guarded by misery and bitterness. In the end, a person will be alone and must discover the place he allowed himself to go. It’s a matter of choices.

I act on things using my gentler attitude; a new person serves as a new form of happiness. This is the kind of happiness where there is acceptance and freedom goes with it. My point is, always be ready to learn because people change, everything changes and one must adapt whether he likes it or not. We can’t stay in one place forever and expect that only a single person can change us. We must grow. We should. I told my friend that I want to give my all. And I asked a stupid question to her, “Would I do it?” I see a good thing right in front of my face, I’d like to hold it with care but won’t measure or weigh it. I’ll believe and love.

A true character begins when you’re hurting, growing and in the end, happy and contented.

i am closer to you

2006-09-13T19:15:00.000+08:00

The chaotic current cannot divide us. I exist not to just find someone who’d keep me but rather, would love me as if I can’t find my luck elsewhere. And because I’m passionately loved, I understand things around me without the need of tears rushing down my face and fragile heart falling to pieces. You made me realize something I’ve missed all these years… All I can think about is how to make you happy. And someday, I wish that you’d look at me, tell me that I am beautiful for you know who I am, you know what’s inside my soul, and you're not bothered about the way people think I am.

ugh.

2006-09-11T17:10:00.000+08:00

Give me a prize for being an asshole. I wanna keep it going, moving forward. Allow my past to pierce my heart nice and slow. Let it hurt me so that I don't do the same mistake again. Is it that hard to understand? I look at myself and still recognize the reflection before me. I'd like to pitch it all out and be an adult. When I apologize, it comes from my heart. I attach myself to people and they attach themselves to me. Formless situations come out and they spread distractions to some relationships. I didn’t choose to change. I didn’t choose to be this way. I’m accountable for all the actions I’ve done through the years, I won’t ever deny that. I’ve been out of my mood lately. I'll probably be back to normal again tomorrow. My over-active imagination is still here, defeating my doubts and all uncertainties. This is my new reality.

I LOVE YOU MASHA!!!

2006-09-10T11:34:00.000+08:00

US OPEN 2006 CHAMPION!

US Open 2006

2006-09-09T16:28:00.000+08:00

Maria Sharapova (RUS)[3] defeated Amelie Mauresmo (FRA)[1] 6-0, 4-6, 6-0 in a women's semifinal match.

GO MASHA!!! You'll make it to the top! I'm so excited! Woooohooooooooo! Can't wait to see the last match.

do you hold a powerful thing?

2006-09-08T19:54:00.000+08:00

Sinking. Drowning. Going under. Wretched memories, days filled with sorrow, conspire with the affirmative side of desolation which is hope. Under the surface of the skin, veins become unemotional as blood continues to flow, only for the need but without the awareness of existence. The divine inspiration, a teardrop, finds a person and continuously would sing every sickening note of a song. As the future draws closer, the inscrutable significance, blurred and out of reach.

Insuperable distractions can convince how empty, unfilled, and that there’s no definitive way to impress people around. Time and time again, in the region of human beings, people fail, give up, feel sorry and yet still believe that they can be happy only that the time for it must be extended. How deeply would it hurt for things left unsaid? On the outside, a smile is depicted with pride, the might of concealing the torment, and yet sadness just sitting inches from the presence of life, often neglected and thus, the real meaning of happiness is wrongly used.

You can’t be happy when you lay blame on other people bearing the thoughts that your own self is in charge for your own actions. Obsessed with bitterness for the sake of selfish desires provides cruel thoughts for the mind, which the heart can never cleanse anymore as the presence of animosity starts to creep in. You can’t be happy if you see sex as a healthy entertainment. Wild nature implanted within human beings must be in control when one puts passion to it. The story of two souls begins when freedom had started and extended the moment love was presented. You can’t be happy when you’re not. You can’t be, when you let yourself drown and get only half of the experience. You’re not happy when you’re denied, when all your time is wasted and when nobody gets you at full price.

In the end, how cliché this sounds, but this one is true: it will always be the power of choice's dictate if you want to avail happiness.

How about me?

One thing, I am happy. I don't have a perfect love to give but I want it to be encompassing. Great things come for people who work for it.

me will be sleeping after this ;)

2006-09-06T23:59:00.000+08:00

The aching mélange of experiences had forgotten the means to live and believe, both of which added uncertainty to her philosophy. Her false appearance expressed grief with her regret for sins. She committed them---exceedingly harmful. The smell in the car provoked that there was still a road for more. And the destructive fire, an obsession that begged to be breathed in.

Never-ending prayers mollified the silent ache; north and south moved back and forth, like her feelings, very opposite, both can’t be parallel. The tie of one tear to another tear when sundered, splits the wholeness of her torment; the only thing that was whole in her.

That was before.

I am at my best. I’m not being judged, betrayed or accused. When I produce, share my biggest part and acquire something in return, something divine, it performs with the purpose that it was made for. After a long wait, someone isn’t trying to get over on me, disgrace or take advantage of me.

I can’t manipulate feelings to my own advantage. For as long as I remember, there were several cases that I’ve been hurt by people having an important worth in my life. I’m such a drama queen, fuck it. All I know is that, what matters is our response. It’s when one pays attention, listens carefully and starts to value such difficulties. It must be done when one gets hold of the power to perform with all strength.

Dear God

2006-08-31T19:16:00.001+08:00

Napapagod na po ako...

just a quick insight

2006-08-29T18:16:00.000+08:00

Today has formed one thing such as life; where seconds, minutes, hours, actions, words, thoughts, emotions and people enclosed me inside a calm region. The sweetest thing. No more poems today. In no way would I write another letter that materializes how dysfunctional it is without being read by anyone. And my soul dives, drinking quickly the prevailing zeal in behalf of any causes; embracing change and difference and swarming all the troubles of the world that very soon, will be swallowed by the deep water I used to stand in.

This gives a signal that I have changed; that my dissatisfaction patterned an extensive array of new choices and decisions. And a state like this requires constant care or else, it could die rapidly, faster than my stretched arms.

I notice things I never did before. The way I perceive and respond to sensations bearing disturbances (a bit), appear to be brighter, warmer and younger. Goodbye to you ongoing depression. The harmony of things is apt to be ephemeral but I don’t care. It chose me. It contains me. Opposite feelings are far away from me.

Han tagged me! So here it goes:

Once tagged by this entry, write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about yourself. In the end of it, pick six ofyour friends and tag them! (No tag backs).This explanation must be included of course!

1. I'm truly interested in expanding my vocabulary so when I'm bored, I browse words from my electronic dictionary.

2. I'm a sentient being who welcomes and responds to sensations. What I love most? When somebody's near me and we do body language together.

3. When I'm not interested, I'm not. I don't care about any law, rule... whatsoever.

4. Summer 2006, I spent time going online from 9 PM until 3 AM or 4 AM. Whoa! I miss those days. Man, that was everyday.

5. A particular someone had given me 3 rosaries already that I'll definitely treasure forever.

6. The phoenix, a firebird is what I want to be.

Who to tag? Anyone! You're free to do so. :)

new faith

2006-08-25T16:21:00.000+08:00

I’m no longer confined by the influence of grief and disorder of thoughts but it's still there. I’m not skilled at putting out of my mind something special, something that for a long span of time had become a part of me and established my kind of world---a variety of what I needed and what I wanted. It was exceptional and for once, the most important thing to me.

At some point, I’ve been very sorry. The spell of guilt is provided to me in abundance like you can never imagine. I’m not being blamed by someone though, yet I know that I should be mindful about these things that fell just like that and ruined one thing we shared and devoted our very best.

I was told that there must be change. In the moment of ecstasy, my insecurities were covered up with something that was eager to give me endless days of excitement. I was deeply carried away. What I have to be sorry about is the way I treated these things, meanly. Selfish motives of mine departed the most magical life given to me freely. Ugh. Magic must be gone when it has no more reason to stay. It must go to some other place, a better one where somebody else will determine the significance of its spell as he undergoes innocence, unaware of what he’ll be getting out of it. The powerless individual; there goes vulnerability when one’s power is reduced by another power or rather a spell that’s more dominant.

I was that person before, a person swayed by the greatest gift. But the rush of sinful thoughts dwelled upon me like a curse. An expression of disappointment gleamed out upon my features, proving that there was darkness within me. I’ve been terribly lost. I thought that the best way of finding my path at length was to look for some more, even for short-term without realizing how it could hurt a delicate soul.

"Remember Me This Way" Jordan Hill

You're the best friend that I've found

I know you can't stay

But part of you will never, ever go away

Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you

And hope it will come true

That life will just be kind

To such a gentle mind

If you lose your way

Think back on yesterday

Remember me this way.. Remeber me this way..

This chaos crumbles the path, a path that could decay very soon. I won't let it happen. If this is the only way I must be punished, I gladly accept it. Regret is quaking within me but peace is something that must come in that I had never allowed entering before. These sorrowful occurrences had flung against my attention that when I give this time, I should offer entirely, sincerely. My heart had now grown hard and durable. This experience is composed of glittering symbols which will serve as my guide to protect and love something or someone who is essential. To offer love even as by silence, attentive enough that I wouldn’t let somebody else’s life sacrifice for the expectation of suffering pain that I can give.

For days, I’ve been sharing a moving conversation with a friend at this coffee shop. Frankness produces our willpower to be driven, share with each other about our experiences or even bringing up things we don’t like about each other. Very true, take everything one step at a time. The problem is not how it will be easy for you to move on, but to put directions to where you’re going. Setting free doesn’t represent how ready you are to learn and accept your fate. It must be done to give better things the chance to work for you, build the new form of happiness. New love comes. And it goes. You know what’s the best thing I like bout it? When it’s there, with me. The moment I’m determined to submit my fragile heart to it, not expecting for something to be given in return. I’m happy and what’s scary about it? To miss the chance of responding to its call, unafraid to take the risk and endure the torture that may come around. The profound depth, the mystery of falling in love naturally is here. Through the whole ugliness of my mistakes, with these remorseful feelings, I think there’s no effort anymore for me to change. Someone new came and changed me. I continue the care in all good faith.

there's no phoenix here

2006-08-21T14:58:00.000+08:00

Probably, I am overreacting. Frustration is no stranger to anyone. Someone can’t constantly position me on a certain place and observe the way I respond to some things. With so many people living in this world, can you possibly refuse yourself to get to know someone new and allow your own world get bigger?

Desire and excitement begin to creep in and we ask, “What do these things want from me?” It’s shit when we consider the thought that everything happens for a reason. That only proves that there are many things not under our control. Some people refuse to open their eyes and limit their capacity to gain some more. It’s easy for a friend to recommend the “get over it” or “it will soon end” strategy. I hope it works for some, for a person to build a genuine character. But for me, it simply doesn’t work.

All I want is to be just, to have a new beginning and a fresh start. Depth. Such thing is what I want for myself and to receive from others as well. Who in the world can accept me? Who in the world can forgive me? Who in the world can love me? Time needs to slow down a bit. For so many years, one person has been giving me the right amount of affection I should accept out of a reasonable reason: I am loved by someone who isn’t afraid to reciprocate.

I can’t go on to the next phase and compare my life to someone else. My mistakes shouldn’t bring my determination to an end. I don’t stop caring and giving. On the brighter side, I still belong in the world, not empty.

I’m in the corner and yes, I'm tired, yet my doors are positioned at a certain place where a lot of people pass by. Who would I see coming across and enter into my world with his whole heart? I give it a chance to shield myself, somehow, and say no to the hurting voice even just for now. I don’t mean that I will disconnect myself from a life of freedom and hope. I’ll always want to learn. If my own memory is the only tool I can choose to invent an event that can never happen or can never happen again, why not? Illusion can be a better option sometimes. In the first place, I expected so much... when I shouldn't.

If someone still needs to re-open my scars and step on them please, please, do it now. Do it now. Don’t wait for the moment that I can no longer feel, that I can no longer see how everything makes sense.

Maybe letting go communicates one’s strength. Maybe love isn’t enough to let someone love you freely, in an instant. Maybe some wonderful things are just meant to be discovered, not to be learned and experienced each day. Maybe I still have to be still and see if someone would let me feel useful and worthy. Maybe. Or maybe, it’s time to stand on my own two feet again.

Off the topic: I changed my hair color. This is change. Simple one.

eternal freedom

2006-08-20T03:17:00.000+08:00

Happiness for me has been rarely attained. I felt low last Friday. My sister made plans earlier about going to the mall with her. It was the first time I spent too much for myself for a single day. I felt like I don’t want to understand some situations. I tried escaping but failed. I do stand up for myself, for my beliefs, but it hasn’t been that easy, to search for truth in life, to feel strongly about things, to let go when you must, to be hated and loved at the same time.

My energy can be somehow drained about the comings and goings that are happening in my life. Some friends are in agreement with my new decisions while others aren’t. I am the one who’ll be left with no one and nothing in the end, if that will be my luck this time, so why bother? If there’s someone who’d really want to come in, I’ll feel grateful. No one on earth is abandoned. We spend too much time to offer all our attention to something that attracts us and we capture it to experience rush motions, endless longings and striking fantasies that formulate our everyday pleasure. Do you ever imagine the time it will go? I can’t picture it now. Or I don’t want to. But I had been there and was almost at the point of jadedness. It doesn’t scare me that much. I can’t kid myself, at this point that I am putting big emphasis on connection. I build my dreams in the dark. I put passion to love and desire.

If you ask where am I in my life today, my answer will be, “I don’t know and not so aware how everything has worked out so far for me.” My ambition remains. I can’t stop. I can directly look into the mirror of truth and genuinely review the past chapters of my life. Funny, the moment I tried reading old testimonials in my Friendster account. It reminded me about lost loved ones, people who left, how I’ve been hurt and how I’ve been used. Definitely, I should strip off the things that are holding me back today and the things about me which they’ve learned to love must be eternal treasures as I embark on my journey.

My faith is being sharpened by a person, someone who can’t be outside my reality. I’m afraid that one day will come that I’ll be dropped very hard and find myself shattered in the end. Sabi nga nina D and A, “Bawal ma-excite!” I've been practicing it. My intellect demands a lot of answers by asking one simple question. I am flying without any direction, see? I’m enjoying free will. The feeling of not distanced allows me to get pleasure from trouble-free days; holding the gift of peace. Finally. Yes, I think so.

I bought two classic books and I’m currently reading Nathaniel Hawthorne’s “The Scarlet Letter”. I wanna go on to the next chapter! Boo to school papers that must be submitted. Rarrr. Ha ha.

the unknown

2006-08-17T20:56:00.000+08:00

Someone threw care to me through the wind and just left. Fair enough because I believe, a better life awaits that person and that's one thing I cannot give anymore. I’m through with the rough patch. New strength is finally here to enjoy “one great feeling” more. To do stupid things, act strangely and offer anything from this wonderful bliss. It defeated my defenses but nonetheless, it has become a part of me; a deeper emotion. Days have been appearing gentle with their static electricity wrapping me from within. I feel a change coming though I don’t know how it would affect me and what it is really all about.

I’m walking around blind, attaching myself to what I feel and I am serious about it. This is freedom. It reminds me that I have choices. That I have options. I never really stopped hoping and believing because there isn’t anything guaranteed. Let’s see where it will take me. No matter how hard I’d try to forget it ever happened, a week filled with breathtaking moments, I won’t let it slip away that easy. It’s something. It’s beauty. It’s something---something for me to give my all.

Sssssh...

2006-08-15T16:12:00.000+08:00

Sleeping didn’t lift up my troubles, vulnerability and moving thoughts last night. My actions must be pleasant from day to day when they don’t appear to be. I’ve been weird for the past dew days. The same person I’ve mentioned from my previous entry still needs my help and I want to be there for that person. She has been crying, separating happiness from the paradise of delight, visualizing memories she shared with the guy for they’re the only ones that appear responsive to her senses.

She asked me if I can find a girl for her. Yes, she can’t stay in one place forever but there is a road made especially for her. I didn’t use my gaydar ability. Based on the saga of her life as I’ve been witnessing it, a new possible love must begin for her (she deserves it) and it will definitely be given by a man, I believe. I made use of the time to explain further about it. I wonder why a lot of people detest homosexuality but they can’t dare not to look at it or think about it. What saddens me is when one is drawn to show his extreme dislike to ensure he isn’t like that or the other way around which is granting the other option, trying to portray one’s self as homosexual or bisexual after a great turbulence in life---breaking up with his partner. It’s a special thing exclusive to few people. Why make it as an excuse? You have to slow down a bit if your heart is capable to enter its world when it’s the one that invites in the first place. Love is all about souls and their splendor.

I find myself caught in a maelstrom of emotion, although I admit I have my own issues to be solved. Several possibilities don’t resonate when a lot of times, I wouldn’t realize about having that particular thing wanting me badly not until the anticipation for disappointment had already confined my desire to give in. My dominance to hold in personal feelings was already destroyed by an erroneous conclusion, when in fact, that certain world is one thing I haven’t crossed or stepped on with pride. To make it short, I’m not free enough to wipe away grievances by embracing magic.

Don’t ever say we haven’t experienced magic. It chooses us. We’re not well-informed about it and allowing the spell to occupy one’s self is a risky thing to do. Everything has its end and so many acts of misery and pain no matter how brief, will be done. It’s just part of the story very different from what we pictured them to be. Better not to expect. I’d rather fall to the ground with my own weight and believe that I want to see more of the world by blasting off into the next dimension.

I’ve been asked by some people how I am able to say these things using this blog. By the way I started blogging when I was in Grade 5. At home, I was raised to become conscious of the good and bad though I don’t stand for rules without deciphering first of what they tell me before exercising right away. Some rules don’t work for me so I drop them. There comes a point when I’d like to go back and be a rebel daughter again but in the back of my mind, the person I am now cares to put me into awareness how it won’t be worth it after all.

I sincerely mean every action, every word I do and say to people around me. These things give greater strength and form the story of my life. I’m never empty as new experiences are never-ending and do fill me up constantly. I’ve been a carrier of secrets having the thought that I make sure that the gentleness of my curiosity would allow someone to open up without any form of distraction. It has been working just by answering my need for others’ experiences and learning from them is my first priority. This blog is all about me and you and you and, you.

I love the metaphor of life: The unexpected twists, randomness, silence, regret, confusion, captivating helpless moments. I'm overwhelmed. Waaahooo.

when do you say it's over?

2006-08-12T22:26:00.000+08:00

That's Emz, my soooo damn beautiful friend! Wooohoo! He went to our place today. We prepared one great celebration for him!

There are women who thrive on making men feel guilty after a game. Sure, I could be a victim of stupid games but I’m old enough to discern if something isn’t sexual, isn’t love or for God’s sake, just plain “nothing”. Women should redeem their extraordinary identity; one reason why an irresistible allure ensnares my respect and attentiveness while observing them. I couldn’t put pity on a person when she was the one who chose her fate in the first place but it doesn’t put an end to my question on why there are men who are fond of creating victims, women so to speak.

Evil pulled me down; my heart is filled with annoyance. I got a call this afternoon from a person very close to me. She asked me a favor if there’s a way I could fetch her, head home with her, after waking up from a plaything, believing that the guy loved her. As what I always say, I’m ready to beat someone in whichever way he’ll try to hurt these people very special to me. It’s a lousy thing to do, manipulating a person and getting pleasure out of a controlled response. How can you actually tell “I love you” when these three words are not in agreement? Giving the idea that there’s a relationship when in fact, you’re granting the person that power he can never possess. And lastly, building a promise but unaware of its real meaning.

People can do the best thing in this kind of world by loving one another. I witnessed her crying the moment I was there to see her. Tears wrapped her soul, one soul that had so much love to offer. If there’s a way to release the hold that guy had on her, IF ONLY! How could I? My own conviction can’t rule her life. I’d like to change her fear. I’d like to convert her pain into a brighter realization. I’d like to run away with her from this sorry world. Tough one. Very tough. There’s a sturdy force, a magnet for stitching two people and logic going into the situation is unable to help. You rarely notice it. Like other people, I’ve been dying to be influenced by the force: to “always” see the fireworks, the magic, and the brightness of every day. Probably, like her, fear is ruling my life.

Something is wrong with me (also) and it’s breaking my heart. I may want to see this person feel this affection as I do. I was told that I’m unfair and how can I possibly learn to reciprocate the love offered to me. In no way can I go farther, when I’m stranded. I can’t have everything I want. Not even peace.

whatever form of wrath!

2006-08-11T19:06:00.000+08:00

Finally, over with the exams! I couldn’t be any happier!

I’ve been talking to some high school friends for the past few days. The feeling of security and comfort is just remarkable. The platonic level combines with my free will and it’s very liberating. They just know me very well.

I’m still fucked up. I finally have admitted to myself, I lost a good high school friend. Selfishness is deeply embedded inside her heart. I hate it, when the self-centered passion of one person has a cruel attempt to attain all passions and desires in whichever way even if it can violate the right kind of ethics and character. I’ve fallen into the trap of speaking so much about my private life to her. And dyaraaaaan, everyone knows about it now! Shit. It was evident how much I trusted her. I was dropped like hell for one reason that a kind of desire she had, I couldn’t be in agreement with. As the saying goes, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” Nothing’s bad when you flirt a little, but the danger side of it is when the overwhelming greediness can convert you to become inconsiderate. It has been depressing, people come and go; scenario vaguely tells me how I could actually go through this kind of life without these people I consider as my “friends”.

But what am I to do. Life is full of obstacles. It comes in all shapes and sizes. I believe people must say about their stories (man, so many stories to tell!!) in able to attain the level of sincerity he must provide people around him. I talk about my reality and I’m not afraid to do so. Many broken relationships are all over the place so as lonely and depressed people. The façade of anger would constantly hold up the power to forgive. It takes time, a lot of time. In my case, I wouldn’t wait for the time I’m willing to give up this anger I am feeling. I just hope that it will arrive at my doors and this bleak path will soon go away. I don’t forget easily. I just don’t.

The way people practice the art of loving nowadays appears alien to me. The emergence of such belief in connection and partnership doesn’t make any sense to me anymore. Possessiveness and lack of trust, damn, pathetic. If trust ain’t around, make me forget about the whole connection.

I’ve been carefully counting the days, the point I totally couldn’t have extreme happiness. My yearning for a promising thing, something that wouldn’t disappear easily brought me to this haze. Beauty is appealing. Sometimes, we could forget appreciating once in a while that it's mainly found in people and not in just ordinary things.

a feeling of weariness

2006-08-09T16:01:00.000+08:00

A Supply of Misery

The stronghold of my life
Must conspire with wrath and bitterness
More words are necessary to express
One lost its meaning beforehand

It’s déjà vu
Previously been here
Fugacious smile captivates something within
Deep and peaceful flow, acuteness of hallucination

Sanctum promises freedom, urbane direct actions
My biting temper attracts confusion
And the other part of the story,
Which is Change itself

Predilection ought to be constrained
The might of my eyes expressing grief
The bragging voice and sweet words
The tender care of an aching silence

Halcyon days drawing closer
No more great quantities of ecstasy

Aliveness of luminosity,
Gentle current of sadness,
Untamed plea of freedom,
Places where I once considered home

The stable appearance of bliss left
And yet its momentary stay
Taught the dangers and nature of life

Ohhh, I took an online quiz :)

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

m a d

2006-08-08T22:03:00.000+08:00

I can't imagine how many times I've lost it. Decisions aren't enough for my mind be in wonder. I want my body to be committed at the same time. How can I make a jump? I'm so upset; permitting my heart to get numb when someone doesn't acknowledge my need for touch and sensitivity. Look, inside my heart and you'll see addicitions, unforgiveness, pride!! All these rough edges were taken away the moment I realised that I have to change; one step at a time. Yes, I'm so fucking mad. Something happened today. One message made this day soooo hella shit. I hope the person would feel shame and guilt and couldn't escape!!

I'd like to give a part of myself having my other parts obedient as well.

Good thing, I learned two great words (both in Italian) today:

pazienza and sacrificio.

saying enough from too much drama

2006-08-07T23:20:00.000+08:00

OPERATOR, THE LINE IS DEAD

Jason Lo

I guess I never wanted this

Another 'ever after' kiss...

Oh Operator, the line is dead

Oh no, it's only me and all the walls inside my head

And for the record I was lost

With only one road I could never cross

And that's the road that takes me here

Oh no, not again

This is where it started

I need you, I'm for you

You threw me, I caught you

Don't leave me and say that you want to find a way back

Believe me, I followed all you said...

Oh Operator, the line is dead

How come you never look away

Everybody bought but I paid

You're not the one who left me here

Oh no, that was me and all the things I wanted

But now I find you different

You broke up all the walls in my head

Please don't go

Thanks Kyels, for introducing the song to me! ;)

There are things I shouldn't take personally anymore. Damn, Aila, my best friend, I need you now. Only you could give me one heck reasonable explanation. Har har. Does saying things directly, honestly and openly could put you into harm? Well I guess, yes. Sometimes. God wants one thing for me: to be happy. It's not all the time that I can find someone eager to safeguard my shattered soul, and so by doing a single brave move for me, I feel loved and wanted. It feels so easy for me to be me. Beat that!

what a ym status!

2006-08-05T23:04:00.000+08:00

"But only in their dreams can men be truly free." John Keating to McAllister - from the movie Dead Poets Society

You visited my dreams and the moment I woke up, something inside began to hurt. Right there, you found me guilty of something. Time is fleeting. In reality, there should be no time for dreams. What is it about you? You're probably just a dream or rather, a fantasy. But nonetheless, you set me free, once again. You take me from one moment to the next. Everything is full of surprises. You've been a gift in my life. You always execute a sweet gesture. You don't judge. I can bother you with my troubles because you listen; what an effective way to find you too attractive and charming. It has been a year, of trying to avoid this admiration I have for you.

Off the topic: I couldn't believe I've written this mushy thing before! Yes, click the link if you'd like to. It's an old entry.

the flight of chaotic wind

2006-08-04T21:03:00.000+08:00

I wasn’t trained not to question. To be genuinely honest regarding what is inside my heart is what I want. I listen to what I have to know and can’t bear letting my mind be somewhere else. I do listen. I’ve decided that there has to be change though I couldn’t celebrate life’s indulgences yet. Not at this moment when I lost my focus on things.

Thanks to these people who took care of me and have shown great tenderness. There’s one thing dear to me which I believe hasn’t ended badly. When I let go of something, there’s this aching level of sadness that goes with it. But yes, I am not yet letting go. My rules have disappointed me though I’d still choose to locate myself at that certain position for others to examine how they should treat me.

I’d like to help people. It’s not everyday that you can let somebody else monitor if you’re passing through the right path. If you’re hurt, no one holds the responsibility for your personal pain. Some people just can’t control themselves. I do have my helpless moments and once in a while, I do travel to the stream of consciousness in order to have clear thinking. Some people want others to help them, but what’s the point when they go off to do their thing as though have never listened and the initial request made it difficult to help them. I see no point.

The act of being myself and to be appreciated by someone is wonderful. There are certain things that would draw closer to me no matter how hard I try departing in secret. I ask for the truth because denial has a way of grasping and squeezing the chest when things have to be forgotten and of course, denied. Remember, there’s no way you can run from these things.

I still have hope in my heart, it’s funny. A part that also saddens me. I found my kind of world. And I want to be part of it. I don’t want too much to spend my time in experimentation. I’m surely aware of what these results are. To that certain world of mine, someday, I’ll make it there. People would be aware that there are a lot of possibilities, that there are so many other things beyond our control. I can’t spend the rest of my life trying to please people, ending up displeased. I don’t impose my will on people but there’s this responsibility I should do to myself. Even if I'm living in my own chaotic world, on the brighter side of it, there's "chance" when I give it a try and present my own force. I won't be planning the route, I know who I am, and it's the journey that really matters.

Shit.

There are various causes for this pain I am feeling. Several people. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to cry at the suffering that has captured one’s heart. It makes me want to cry that one day, I’ll suffer badly at my own decisions. It makes me want to cry that I’ll always be incapable of complete happiness when I could hurt others out of the force which comes from my heart’s influence. If I should end up alone in the end, it’s the fear of the unknown that would rule me. The act of loss and bitterness, if should be done, how would I react? I wish there’ll always be hope no matter how foggy the direction forward is.

come and resurrect me

2006-08-02T15:01:00.000+08:00

Damn it, yesterday was tough. I got into a disastrous conflict with some people. It was shit, man. I hate people who crave badly just to get into the social status for labels like “hottie” and “cool”. Forget them! What can someone get out of his thirst for attention that drives the need only to harm others? Popularity is transitory and fleeting. And by the way, they’ve crossed the edge of my patience. My principle cannot be disproved no matter how hard you try! And besides, I cannot believe without any doubt to all false and artificial stories (especially made) by these two morons regarding one person “very” close to me. My values taught me to recognize the difference of a firm foundation from a fake one. I do my thing. Do your “own” thing. Back off!

Regardless of some desolate moments, I’ve learned to smile once in a while. I can’t make an attempt to invent what I think others would accept. The process is hard, wrapping aggravation around me, but there is nothing wrong when I love these people beyond measure and obey my thirst. I’ve been too much of a coward to expose myself to the truth, so please, give me time.

Have you somehow felt it, I mean, you believe that emptiness is right there inside your heart? And, it’s something you can’t explain. You just feel it. I have three things on my mind right now. I still lay my bets and try winning the lottery. I do go to a fortune teller thrice a year. I don’t learn from past mistakes.

Desire for real life can sometimes be unmanageable. I’m not a god. I’ll always be searching for these things and see if they can fill the hole in my heart. It’s frustrating when the more I search, the more I get lost. In reality, I got to see that gaining money from the lottery can’t be promised, predictions from a fortune teller are true but interpretations vary that they could mislead, and it’s up to you if you want to learn (from life), yet there will always be growth in the end. It’s all about trying, believing and enduring. Of course, put God above everything; to humbly strive and reach your goals.

Dreaming is limitless. It’s a shame that sometimes I construct it as my reality already. My emotional senses are often shaken, and I can be an evil person that you’ll wonder if I’m a real Christian. I do break laws. I’m not concerned about the consequences when I believe that what I am doing is right. Let me be the one to realize on my own if it is wrong. I don’t confess my sins to a priest because I do it directly with God. I’m one sinful person so to speak, and commandments shouldn’t discipline me when I can rely on my own self to do such thing. My personal relationship with Him can’t be seen through signing of the cross or attending mass every Sunday. I serve God with my character as a person by presenting what I can give to other people freely and without reluctance.

shedding life to my dim world

2006-07-30T15:23:00.000+08:00

Resentment and hate came back to their gods, affection enters in secret. Rambling thoughts remind me of love, not just romantic love but love in general. Why can't we practice it as an art? Wouldn’t it be great to see different colors merge, stubbornly resistant to the disarray of brightness and dullness fusion, aware if things are routinely practiced or not. I like a challenging level, genuinely reaching the hands of people.

My inner heart learned to store all worries. When I make music from it, from the deepest side, the concrete anger inside my chest converts everything into something people would love to hear in awe. I love what I love to do. I love music. I love performing with or for people. Unfortunately, I’ve been bent when some people tried to destroy the walls of my affection. Right now, this is something I don’t think I can let go of. It’s a test seeing how life rotates. I had been terribly bored for the past few days and yet, God offered me a wonderful gift last night on our acquaintance party at Virgin Café Tomas Morato.

It served as a pre-pageant competition for the Mr. and Ms. Journ (ahem, don't laugh!) and we actually got the Best in Talent award. Yipeeee!!! Regarding the upcoming pageant, I don't feel like joining it. I'm not confident in the least and it can never be my thing. Moving on, I can spend a lifetime valuing my class, especially those who were there and showed their support. Hee hee hee. Salamat Lord! I love God for being that someone who puts distinction to some things I should discover. I’m vulnerable so to speak. But thanks for protecting me… I love you!!!

I searched high and low for that particular feeling. And. I. Couldn’t. Help. It. I’m human, who’s attracted to all forms of beauty. Playing “Balisong” by Rivermaya as our first song (next was Anino by Imago); gloomy mood had been spawned by the nostalgic atmosphere present. Personally, the song contains a part of my history as a person. For whatever other reasons, these lines captured my attention, “Your face lights up the sky on the highway. Someday, you'll share your world with me someday…You mesmerize me with diamond eyes…” I don’t filter reality. An act serves as a gateway for truth and with my eyes; I select those people I’d like to spend my valued time with, someone I can derive inspiring days from. Also, eyes tease me… He he he!!!

Somewhere, someone is constantly demanding several things. Even if he sees everything, he still wouldn’t believe it at all. Sometimes, I can be that person. Or I am really that person. If seeing is believing, how far can we go for something we see which appears hazy yet powerful as its effect overwhelms us extremely?

I ended the night dancing on the dance floor with some good friends. Man, it’s ever-liberating, the pressure of alcohol upon me and of course, people who gave me the desire to dance with them.

everything's twisting

2006-07-23T00:26:00.000+08:00

Finally, I’m restored to health. I’ve recharged energy. My body isn’t anymore pressed on all sides by some destructive forces! The new challenge is to disregard going on a diet again. I should eat the essential food for a healthy way of living. I’ll try to.

As I divulge these words, I recollect. The foundation of my life used to be built on illusion when I was a child. When I entered teenagehood, strong walls of mistakes constructed my place. Now, I feel lost. It’s like having a requirement of going back to scratch and starting all over again, but how?

The time I was very sick, a friend called me up to inform me about something. The verdict preoccupies all other options on how should I decide. Or, I’ve really made my decision. Some friends think I am dangerously in love. I am not. I’m obsessed with love.

All forms of it, name it, come on! And holla, I like flipping the pages of my life and meeting new people. If we’re friends, we’re friends. It’s unethical to fall for you. If I like you, I won’t pair it up with friendship. If my motive is to love you nice and slow, then I’ll do it. And if you say, “Hey can we be just friends?” Fuck, I can never be friendly. Thanks for telling me what you want but it doesn't mean we can share the same want. No further thoughts. I want the truth so I should also give the truth at the very beginning. I enjoy having myself and being with wise people around me anyway.

Please don’t judge how I live my life. It’s not everyday that I can try expressing my thoughts in a transparent manner. The real nature of my feelings is a strong affection. Now, the internal feelings fluctuate. I’m falling under. Believe me; I fell so hard for that person. Anonymity was hard but very rewarding. I rarely forget how I should handle my surroundings, my needs. I was tempted not by allure that wouldn’t last forever. It wasn't even because I went crazy about finding something to lust for. The authentic persona brought me in a home of wonder. You can’t blame me.

To you: But I can’t be in love when I believe it wouldn’t work. There was even a time that I wanted to discern badly, on how you see me. I was afraid that I won't be able to love someone new not until I get over you. Somebody else made it easy for me to put you out of my mind. Don’t get me wrong. I still care. I'll always do.You weren’t the one who taught me not to love you. All complications did. I’m only human who instantly surrendered to your overwhelming gravity that brought inner peace and put my life back in order. Your force, such force pulls me everyday that when I try to leave, you pull me once again. If this would formulate an open end on our very own story, please close it for me.

spero ed attendo,

The Sinner

dot

2006-07-22T10:27:00.000+08:00

I’m lacking spirituality these days. I don’t want to choose which one is stronger. My exterior illustrates things about me, but it’s not likely you’ll know who I am, unless you begin digging dipper. What about those things dwelling in my heart for decades? Should I just cover them with anger all the time?

“Distant Fingers” – Patti Smith
When, when will you be landing?
When, when will you return?
Feel, feel my heart expanding
You and your alien arms

Deep in the forest I whirl like I did as a little girl
Let my eyes rise in the sky looking for you
Oh you know, I would go anywhere at all
'Cause no star is too far with you, with you

It’s good being a mad person all the time, however, still able to discover people who could win my attention. I’m not friendly, one reason to be amazed when at one point, my doors would open; let somebody else get hold of the softest part of me. I remember these people all the time. One’s pain brings tears to my eyes. I can try not to heal one’s pain so I’m not alone dealing with pain. But I can’t. I just can’t.

Try Patti Smith's (70's) music. Very poetic rock 'n' roll, man.

Oohhh Vienna Teng!!!

2006-07-18T18:53:00.000+08:00

How long can I go on with common cold, cough and fever? Rarrrrr. My body is still being attacked by some forces that make me pale and weak. I press myself though to go to the university with my wish to sustain this energy left. Strangely, this is my struggle! Ha ha ha!

The first sway of wonder and appreciation hits my mind listening to some female singers nowadays. I have a secret audience in my mind that is pleased each time songs from Vienna Teng, Tori Amos, Ani DiFranco, Joan Armatrading, Sheryl Crow and Sarah McLachlan would be heard. Over the years, Michelle Branch’s songs are buried as valuable treasures in my chest.

Very appropriate for the moment are Vienna Teng’s songs. The heart and mind dominance conquers my deepest desires. Her songs are full of meaning and interesting to the point that they tempt my being and wipes away the melodramas of my life. Deep thoughts slide next to me; satisfaction appears exclusive, but in reality, it’s challenging to arrive at that state.

Vienna Teng - Eric's Song (my favorite!)

"strange how you know inside me
I measure the time and I stand amazed
strange how I know inside you
my hand is outstretched toward the damp of the haze"

Vienna Teng - Enough To Go By

"would it be enough to go by
if there's moonlight pulling the tide
would it be enough to live on
if my love could keep you alive...
so carry the weight
carry the weight of me in your heart
carry the weight
carry the weight of me..."

Vienna Teng - Between

"freedom is being alone
I fear liberation but something more alive than silence
swallows conversation
no pleasing drama in subtle averted eyes
the swelling fermata as the chord dies... "

Vienna Teng - Harbor

"sail your sea
meet your storm
all I want is to be your harbor
the light in me
will guide you home
all I want is to be your harbor..."

Joan Armatrading - The Weakness In Me

"Why do you call me when you know I can't answer the phone
Make me lie when I don't want to
And make someone else some kind of unknowing fool
You make me stay when I should not
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me
Why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by
But I mean to see you
And I mean to hold you, tightly.."

Tots, this one's for you...

2006-07-16T00:22:00.000+08:00

If things were less complicated, I’d love you the way you’ll never forget as I’ve promised. But I have yet to question the world. I believe we can have our own time, our own season, when the world can no longer question how can we be happy when we disobey its own rules. One day, they'll understand us. That we exsit. That we're for real. That we can love selflessly. That. We. Are. Normal. My love seems to be overflowing that I’m willing to give it in any way. I had never felt what I felt for you. I can’t take it if I lose you; now that your presence rests in my heart. I never fought before. I’ll tell you when I’m ready. I’d take that chance for us.

I want to enter the ring of fire and find myself coming out dancing.

Punyetang buhay minsan. Okay lang naman masaktan, huwag lang sana "ganon". "Sana" ang sinabi ko. Mundo, sana tao ka na lang. Tapos mag-uusap tayo. Ang dami kong gustong itanong!!

Superman Returns

2006-07-14T19:33:00.000+08:00

It’s no secret anymore that Batman is my first love when it comes to action figures. I never really enjoyed playing with dolls even when I was still a child. All my friends could tell how I can nearly go frantic about him that very often, I’d get Batman stuff as a present. In spite of being a Batman fanatic, I wanted to develop a sense of entitlement to watch Superman Returns. Starring Brandon Routh as Clark Kent and Kate Bosworth who’s listed on my top 3 Hollywood actresses as Lois Lane, it can absolutely be very overwhelming to elicit lovely fantasies in my mind while watching! My curiosity was grasped for a couple of times that I decided going to a movie house with someone quickly today.

Some stuffs in my room..

Superman doesn’t belong to humanity yet desires to work alone saving the world. The Man of Steel is the savior of men that his charisma gushes forth like temperate oil. His bodily muscles manufacture him as someone physically attractive, and the pride in him challenges the evil, lures injustice to surrender. On one hand, he’s like a persona of an alien not well connected to people. Still, he has the ability to instantly acquire trust from them the moment he flies and rescue those who are in need of his help. I can tell you, he’s passionate to the core. The part of the movie which includes romance in his saga made my mood a bit cheerless.

His mysterious disappearance for five years confused the city of Metropolis and served up the unkindness of love to Lois Lane, a journalist for the Daily Planet. It’s true that distance can fracture some relationships. For this case, Superman didn’t even say his goodbye to the love of his life and just left. His silence made Lois disappointed, without any knowledge if Superman belongs to her or will never belong to her again. The genuine hope flew by some means, and the moment Superman came back, she’s engaged and has a son already.

I don’t think Superman is selfish. We can never know how heavy his heart was the time he had to go away from the Metropolis. It might have been filled with guilt, bitterness and loneliness. Who knows? The man is no more a hero? Don’t think that way. Sometimes, people should go when they can no longer supply your needs. They may try as much as they could but to the point that will no longer gratify what you really require for. People do change when things around them modify resulting in consequences they can’t agree to anymore.

Ah… distressing. Goodbye is unspoken yet a highly aching subject. A lot of people would agree to the notion of some people leaving without even saying goodbye. And when the person comes back, expects that nothing has changed. How pathetic, right? Very unfair to the side of Lois who waited and tried so hard to move on and go on with her life without her Superman. Life is just like that.

Somewhere deep in my conviction lies the truth that Superman is a real hero. I can't be like him who's ready to sacrifice my personal happiness for everybody else's. He can never have Lois. His power keeps him in a condition which is to protect human kind all the time. So what do you say?

pawning off negative behavior

2006-07-13T17:38:00.000+08:00

It’s a bit confusing how people appeal to me. I’m ultimately focused on their reactions that could sometimes not pass my standards yet I pay respect and eventually learn from them. We don’t have classes today. It’s raining hard. Here comes the struggle of my conscious mind.

I went straight home yesterday and didn’t have time to hangout with some friends. Yes, I’m falling under the grip of this fuckin’ life but I can’t give up. I’m still happy. Someone IS making me so damn happy without the need to order me masquerade myself into someone I’m not.

I was delivered from the sweetness of rebellious teenagehood. It's over. I dread about starting a fight or entering one. It became very upsetting to hear from the person (mentioned earlier) who has a very charming and charismatic personality, that she was terrorized with some offensive words. To the idiot: Back off!!! I won’t bitch about you heartless people. All I can say is, F you!

One day, I asked myself why the Big Boss did choose this terrain of life for me that often lead to complexity. Does my spirit speak for itself? I don’t enjoy lying. Being honest is a sensible act to sway rational people though I’d get hold of wrath each time heartbreaking words are thrown to me. I wonder how many people have reached my destination without even realizing it. Where does my question begin and end?

A lot who've been categorizing my radical ideas as pointless ones plagues me today. I’ll do what it takes to see myself happy and my beliefs can’t be yet reputed. Are these people born that way or society molds them? Cruel. Very cruel. My emotions have erupted and bang. At present, I do feel absent from the home of my heart which is my family. Forgive me. I do love you nevertheless.

I’ve found trust in my friends. I value you guys. I understand how some couldn’t help me sometimes when their lives get in the way, but frequently, they do listen. They accept me and aware that I’m very much annoyed to people who care about me only to use me for their own needs in the end. How many more should I meet who have no ability to show love, care, consideration and compassion?

a high level of fantasy

2006-07-11T20:42:00.000+08:00

I am hanging on and waiting to be well soon. Common cold plus slight fever, how bad, right? I don’t take any medicine, though I drink salabat, plenty of water and eat some fruits. I’m very much familiar with the need for time. Want to get well now!!! Argh.

I’ve been thinking about some personal beliefs. I’m learning from life. Meaning, I’m discovering from “the best”. How many times have I said that I’d like to give up? No, not anymore. It’s wonderful to get the message out of personal principles that have transpired the moment shared with people. Whatever possible alarm or whatever emotional baggage, the fire is burning once again! I’m strong enough this time… I should be.

Now playing...

"Silent All These Years" by Tori Amos
I said sometimes I hear my voice And it's been here silent all these... Years go by Will I still be waiting For somebody else to understand Years go by If I'm stripped of my beauty And the orange clouds Raining in head Years go by Will I choke on my tears Till finally there is nothing left One more casualty You know we're too easy easy

Considering all possibilities, one day, I dream flying to L.A. or New Orleans. Basically because of the need to expand the sphere of my life. Someone’s going to be with me anyway. Wooohoo. Some friends also, if they’ll push through with it. My present will one day become my past. This present? You mean, “this one”? I’m so mad whenever some people of this country habitually judge, to the point that I feel so deeply flawed. A lot of personal issues to unravel. I’d rather not only deal with them on my own but at the same time, extract some more from what I’ve understood. And hopefully, uncover truth. God, do assemble everything for me and bring in this future dream to my life. Grant my wish and let it be my present someday! 10 years? 20 years? I can wait. "We" can wait. I wish! I wish!

let me fly

2006-07-08T22:39:00.000+08:00

Dad left Pinas :(

Since the time I learned bout my dad’s international work, I knew that the value of a father couldn’t be replaced by anything. Dad had worked in different places outside Pinas. Those were the days I could’ve said about dreams, failures and jokes personally with someone very special who’d never make me feel stupid or embarrassed.

Distance has the capacity to fill the void in my heart for completeness each time I feel my love for my father inside my heart, encouraging me to live and be thankful. When we headed to the airport yesterday afternoon for Daddy, I thought years I cried without him have solidified tears I could shed. Hey no. Physical changes may have eventually appeared in my life but not emotional changes. I saw myself with the “cry baby” who’ll be waiting with her mom and sis for Daddy to come home by next year.

Constant sacrifice. I’m a fan of my father when it comes to patience and strength, you know.

Jeni celebrated her 18th birthday last night.

I was very happy seeing my barkada and some members of 4L Pets way back senior year. Aieen, Kris, Loren… where are you guys?! We tried replaying all events of the past. They’re so damn real hard to digest. Ha ha ha. Life goes on. Some of us may have involved ourselves in sensitive situations we can’t cancel out anymore but we'll always be there for each other. I wish I could protect my friends from the interests of others who would want to give it a try hurting them. Quality is extremely irreplaceable and I will never go for quantity.

I’ve heard enough of the latest scoops in our batch. We ended the night throwing jokes. I avoided the appeal of all the highs and drunkenness. I made a promise to myself, do not come into the gates of reckless living again. Friends teased me, “May thing kayo niyan before diba?” My senses used to be perfect every time I’d see someone attractive and I couldn’t help to feel completely dismantled. Fuck, I’m not coward to speak for myself anymore and sing, “O tukso, layuan mo ako…” Ha ha ha. Enough is enough. I can’t be a slave to blind attraction. And besides, I’m very much contented with my life right now. I guess I’ve surrendered to the real sense of security.

God, allow me to become faithful with what you’ve given me. You know me. I’m very honest and open with you that I’m often lost on my own. You accept me nonetheless. I’m so tired running from the unidentified, explanations and cruel judgments. Someday, I’ll be the person I want to be, right? Right? Be with me. Stay with me. Accept me. Forgive me. Love me. Let me feel the kind of serenity I’ve never felt in my life before. Please.

temporary drama

2006-06-30T15:57:00.000+08:00

Angst-ridden fear hypnotized me last night. My thinking was paralyzed and as I read some articles, I suffered deficiency to comprehend. But then again, I had to continue and maintain patience.

I can’t stand self-centered ego driven people. For the past few days, I’ve been so fucked up thinking about my friendship with someone. I wonder how the hell a person can dig up a wrong impression about me without even confronting straightforwardly. It severely lacks frankness and shit, human actions can’t be trusted all the time by just reading them. Tell me, and then I answer. Is it that hard?

Not long ago, I recovered my closeness with an old friend whom I consider very special. It’s very liberating each time I am with her and right after school, I’d usually move to their place and speak about many things. They’re all “real women” in the sense that they’re aware of the difference between “want and need”. The genuine oneness of being familiar with who I am and who they are is supreme. They’re women who don’t lay bets just to obtain narcissistic acknowledgement from others. And thus, do understand me if there’s something I cannot practice yet at the moment. I do understand them also.

Months ago, I tried speaking about my feelings to someone; describing through my actions. I received a no pity reply. I should try to act passive sometimes. I had to grind my doomed motive quickly. Truth from a person can keep my mouth shut. Charisma is truly appealing that I question why others often use it to mislead and hurt an open wound more. Look, recently, I’ve received a “persuasive” message from the same person. I contemplated for a while and didn’t reply. What can be wrong, sometimes they’re “like this” and sometimes, they’re not. The person isn't around the campus anymore. No big deal, honestly.

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh... It’s not rejection as I see it. A person can be substandard for someone and yet somebody else is capable of loving him more than he could ever imagine. Personal standards. You get me?

Pain is ever frightening. In spite of these challenges, I need to recharge. I can’t welcome broken promises, a broken heart, and deserted feelings yet. In short, I’m not a willing lover as of now. I lost courage and not ready “looking for love in all the wrong places". Ha ha ha. And if there’s even a right place for it, how do I know that it’s for me? Jaded. I have been very much captured by the mythical scene for years and the reality of most people is something else from my very own perspective.

hitting life with a bang

2006-06-24T22:27:00.000+08:00

My strong want to play for people was granted last night at Club Halo Makati. I couldn’t be any happier. It has been almost 7 years after I first decided making a choice to learn drum playing. It’s not everyday that I can let somebody else see me play the drums. I gave my very best.

Four bands came last night. My band played 6 songs; 3 covers and 3 original compositions. Take this from me, how much I appealed requiring some muscles in support of strength each time I’d roll and revolve my drumsticks around. Breathing in an opaque fog of desire to be a man maybe? Ha ha ha! Just kidding. Generally speaking, we got good feedbacks.

Two video clips from our performance last night:
(1) Part 1 of "Anino"
(2) Part 2 of "Anino"

After the gig, around 12 midnight, I went out with my friend and headed to Starbucks near her place immediately. My thoughts proceeded to sink into a sane conversation with a person. Ahhhh… Many thoughts I’ve been carrying for days. It’s safe to unleash a heavy vaporous distress in the presence of someone you trust most.

I won’t say there’s this lack of power to stand on the ground and get a hold of several things my heart longs for sincerely. Dispatching the walls and allowing them envelop my frustration at a certain place can be a personal disaster in the future. One inspiration can turn out to be a monomania but for now, logic should colonize the head of my system and stay on the parallel level.

Disasters presumably start even on smallest things. And with the series of dramatic events that happened around me, how can I not sway trauma and release it? For whatever reason, dreaming is a solution to restore and put back into labor my evident misery. I dreamed of someone last night, probably a reflection of discouraged revelation. And on the edge of my sleep, I woke up and said silently, “Forget it.” I ponder on why my sturdy attempts to not recall can’t be possible. Yet, life seems so much like remembering all the time and in my case, uncovering the motive in my heart most of the time.

the catch of my dilemma

2006-06-21T15:21:00.000+08:00

School started last week and it feels good to be inside a classroom, smashing the boundaries of learning. Over the course of time, bearing in mind my first year in college, I’m very much aware that nothing can bother me especially by confusion involving myself with a question if I am going to pursue the course I’m taking up.

People will usually subject it to thorough analysis. If I say Journalism, what comes into your mind? Interestingly enough, I think I’m capable of detecting the words that are on your mind.

Listen, I am attached to human race and what nature has to say to all of us. I always try to remember and refuse to forget as much as I could. All the way back to my days as a toddler, heading on to my teenage years, it will be a pleasure grasping all negative behavior of mine and the variety of fragments which modified me into a person I would love to.

I have numerous unspoken plans regarding my lifestyle after graduating and my anticipation of governing myself on my own; without my parents. I’ve found it ideal to make use of words, crafting a cosmos that I can call mine. Be in love with words and new life with intimate adventures are both part of the distance I would love people to reach. Determine the language of mind and heart. I have a high regard for people who do what they love. I go after the principle of my sister who’s a college graduate and would like to do whatever it takes to become a famous performing artist someday. Money isn’t the best thing that carries a path full of light. When one is conscious about direction and would love every minute traversing it, he’ll definitely reach the end very pleased; beyond what he presumed at the very beginning. I'll give it a go.

I don’t like the month of June!!! “Rain, rain, go away...”

One night, I told a friend how dim the skies above together with the stream of depression upon me. Whenever I try showing extreme disapproval of rain pouring down, my thoughts couldn’t accomplish take no notice of melancholy building imagination, uniting the dots of my memories when I was a child. It will always appear to be an insuperable struggle and desolation would win through over a day. Thank God, my friend reminded me that there will always be a rainbow after the rain. Smile… I could.

Photo taken last month with Lini and Mae ( I miss you gals!!! )

If I could materialize prejudice, I guess, I can develop a parade out of it. Ha ha ha. Don’t get me wrong. I learned that we are all objects of pain; only the intensity of it may differ from one person to the other. Yes, an equal opportunity on how to let it down, defeat it or get away from its unsympathetic hands. What can be bearable to you can be unbearable to me.

I don’t want to dangerously place my hope on a formless resolution of other people enlightening me to transform me into the person I am not. I’m tired explaining and I am more willing to declare things I do believe can never be stolen or damaged and these are the physically powerful puzzle pieces as a person. I travel afloat not covering up my interior. I often don’t feel comfortable discussing so many things in person, but hey, try to take a glance at my eyes and they would reveal stories for your enjoyment! :)

maintaining equilibrium

2006-06-16T20:21:00.000+08:00

I am in my skin and one truth that I deal with my character is always there. I’m conscious of excitement which has moved elsewhere. It was never predictable but very abstract. I couldn’t seem to establish decisions. Is it wrong to desire so much for something that cannot be found in possessions, recognition and even money?

There’s a little escape I can do to end this up. Abstain myself and get ready for dark grey rain clouds cover up my world. When colors depart, I feel worthless. How can I imagine letting go of one thing very real that penetrates my soul?

For other people, it will be a strange act tolerating one heck rigorous course. I honestly think there’s no need to run away. I would like to stay as much as I could. Very often, I’m misunderstood. Man, you could’ve been me. You. Could. Have. Been. Me. Thumbs down to anyone who’d assign any label to me. I remain uninfluenced by the opinions and conclusions of the crowd declaring who I am, may it be politically or socially.

Experimenting is sweet in sound for others. It’s not for me though. Everything’s one shot and once you give in, you can closely see yourself ending up in your own grave. Reality doesn’t wait for anyone tomorrow. Fuck putting into action the more appropriate ones. For the past years I’ve sensed a foreign gift and the loss of courage expired innocent love I can offer.

It was me all the time. I worried about having no one drawing closer that I tended to search and go for them rapidly. Once in my life, magic commanded me to love yet the ever present pain directed me to pay attention why I can’t have everything and that I should never stop trying and believing of the perfect idea that it will all account to something great in the end.

To you: How good flesh and blood present at all times of precious memories. Hell why? Dear, you are so far. Can the world offer the same force at two different places? It’s not the worst that could ever happen as I observe couples around me. I’m very much in love with people loving each other. Now I can tell, I'm in love. Ha ha ha. Distance generates my future of being with you sitting quietly and safely. Dreaming permits me to expect and look forward to all possibilities. Tell me, when do I need to wake up? I might be forgetting it all the while. It doesn’t annoy me much determining the degree of longing to have someone discover my innermost feelings and never fail to send it through actions. I'd love it to be you. For now, it’s not wrong to slake desire and give my heart a break, right? Let me sing these lines to you, "And my love for you is still unknown. Till now I always got by on my own. I never really cared until I met you. And now it chills me to the bone. How do I get you alone?"

i'm just like a race car making it to the extremes

2006-06-11T22:10:00.000+08:00

Photo taken @ Glorietta 4

Darkness flickers that I am lost decoding some voices I couldn’t understand. I can never be notable acquiring an instant success just because I’ve sensed truth out of my assumptions. Man, I don’t do such thing. I never assume for the best guess can lead me to a much more nameless crushed world. Get lost more, huh? No way.

Days have appeared interesting to me. I had to rebuild my thirsty hair and get a treatment for it. Going out with my mom has been a habit. I accompanied her to some places without hesitation that I got a bonus! She bought new items for me. To a much more motivating instance, I spent more than saving money in the past. I’ve just got a new bank account and more or less, I’ll be the one who’ll go on deposit some money from my allowance.

My body suffered soreness last night and the moment I arrived home, I positioned myself in bed right away. I should call it extravagant exhaustion. It stopped the flow of energy; I recharged my being another time. How the hell did I think of so many ways to cease a downpour of difficulties? Dramatic events ensnared me for several days that I was entirely disturbed finding myself crying all expressions of grief. Fuck it. I “was” emotionally and physically tired.

That point isn’t something preferred though I believe I constantly draw them closer and so often I feel cursed. I had felt such feeling not only once, or even twice but so many times. I’m not almost hopeless having the fact that there are still people around valuable for me to keep. Thank you!

I may have focused and multiplied misery. Sorry, the show must be over. I need to. Forget the drama queen. It isn’t good to live in an incomprehensible losing world. I sundered from it. It exists to losers and hey, we are all winners right at the very beginning. A form of entanglement can seize the worth out of hardships so never drown yourself and die. A combat mission is truly exciting and full of meaning.

Evaluating the measure to radically begin a new connection is not my thing anymore. My friend gave me a notice last night, “Don’t rush, please. I’m worried.” Each conversation I carry with a friend can be very argumentative. What’s certain is that I can feel lost once again. I’ll make sure this time to catch the right signals and not only that, go discover for more without fear. Just never stop putting out of my mind that I can subdue damaging occurrences no matter how enthralling a brief exciting moment could ever be.

The sun and moon could both rise at the same time. If this is mere fantasy, I don’t care but I believe it to be true. I experience it. My family overwhelms me at this very moment. Hey, dad is home! And as I do orbit with one person far away, I don’t seem to be extremely distanced. I can say each day, "I belong."

playing in the fields

2006-06-08T01:39:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt rage spinning slowly that you toil intently for it to stop? By no means would it let you breathe and gulp whatever air is present around you. I perfectly believe that sometimes, we can’t control everything. If you must let violent anger come out and explode, then you definitely should free them.

From time to time I ask myself if I just don’t know how to interpret one’s certain way of thinking. So often, it would end up unjustly diminishing fondness on our cherished connection. Furthermore, how can one person would manage to become unaffected as he gets pleasure from hurting someone?

I simply do not get it.

my new desktop wallpaper (reminds me of one song Barbie dedicated to our lord)

"PLAYING IN THE FIELDS" by Barbie's Cradle

It's Your might, it's Your crown

You're the one who is praise worthy and not me

My life is in your care, I've no reason to be scared

Coz You are there

And we're playing in the fields

I know, we're flying all day

And I've seen the secret of the light

It's hard to believe but I wish they would see it

The pain appears brutal and very difficult to heal. You attempt making an effort for repair but you simply can’t when you’re powerless. Every fragment lacks harmony with others, given to cause tears that place their own unnerving ache while running down your face. You think about it, that same anguish occupying your totality. May it be your parents directing you to follow (when you’re only beginning to discover your individuality), brothers and sisters gradually stab you in the back (that you turn out very suspicious even of other people who can love you greater than they do; if they do!), acquaintances gossiping about your private life and other shitheads who formulate erroneously another you from your very own genuine character.

Slap my face! The void in one’s heart can never stumble on the gates of perfect happiness by letting temporary things be in control of your performance as a person. Evil is a contagious substance and love alleviates any form of bitterness. It learns to forgive and trust once again no matter how the heart had suffered an entire loss. Beware of the greatest frauds of all time. Some of us may try giving in to falsehood for one reason that we don’t know who we are.

To one person: Go fabricate your outward appearance others may fantasize about, but poor you, someone up there can see you and would love a pure heart more than anything. I suppose, His true followers will do the same thing.

something random

2006-05-25T02:00:00.000+08:00

To my two friends (yes, you!):

Can it be found somewhere? Not here. Not now, when the crescent moon would appear to offset logic. My yard definitely needs "the fire". Oh, I'm a bad girl right now. Hahaha. Shit, you make me miss it. Darn.

Like,
rarr.

Let me watch the stars in an empty embrace of desolation.

do you know me?

2006-05-23T17:46:00.000+08:00

Ignorance deserted me at birth. From the very moment I was brought in this world, everyday, I’d want to extend my understanding regarding life. I am what I think and my beliefs reflect bravery on how to proclaim to the world my authentic self. Usually, I repine over my ill-behavior before. I anticipate seeing myself thriving.

Stop trying to become unique. We are already. Unless we come into contact with our inner selves and understand why we live, we can never come out of our shells and establish the essence out of the perception of who we really are.

I tend not to keep some parts of my life private. Feeling humiliated can only cause forever wounds that are terrible as I go on with this journey. God loves me in the first place. I share to Him the joys of my life and if it so happens that people learn from it, it will be an additional fragment that will lift up my drive.

I'll use my freedom to free my own self and liberate honest and open minds of other people. Last year was great, I tell you. God, I love you! The drawing line of success happened and to you guys: display energy with me!

Look, in school, wisdom isn’t taught. The time I asked permission from my mom to allow me continue high school in Manila without them around, I knew that I made the best decision. Find myself. Find myself. Find it! Graduating from an all-girls school when I was in high school, my life started to change hugely. I saw myself almost in the direction of my own grave. I gave in to so much trouble. If I continue surrendering and let my psyche be transfixed by the “wicked state of mind”, I can be a slave; oblige myself to follow the decree of the bad that ensures a towering chance of a wrongly status self. One’s mental power of an academic can never comprehend all pitfalls and restore to health one thing that is about to expire or pass away. We must all gain wisdom in order to have the right judgment, on how to water and harvest from each experience that comes to all of us.

You know what I wished to God last January 1? Make me wiser.

Someone found my YM id and the two of us chatted last night. The person is an acquaintance I met years ago; cherished and sent me gifts which in return I’ve only said my deepest thanks, nothing more. I was reminded of my old self and lack of confidence back then. Everything was out of condition. I wasn’t even concerned with the way I look. My cautious consideration provided me the hint that maybe I can try dressing up nice clothes, allow my hair to grow long; get a cool style and of course, and losing weight started it all.

“If ever I want someone to love me, someone like you is what I search,” wow, I heard that. I answered in return, “There’s only one me in this world but there are so many others greater than this shithead.” I received with appreciation a number of kind adjectives included to every thought presented.

I told the person that I only do what everyone else is doing. “You’re not afraid when you give, at least,” the answer I got. Oh yes, courage. Man, it takes a lot of courage. Why can we not proceed without any interruption and go for what we really want? I am just too selfish if I resist Love. Remember what I always say? We all have limited chances and infinity of love. I use my heart when it comes to loving and order my mind guide it. I let my friends and other people meet the person of my fondness like saying, “Hey, this one is the best person ever and the shafts of sunlight for my existence!” Isn’t that great?

When I offer, a part of me goes with it. I do all the efforts to nourish myself so that I can reassure my other half that I must be loved and treasured when I am ripe (whattta word, huh?) enough. And when I let someone accept what I can give, it’s me. It’s something real.

GOD is LOVE

2006-05-21T23:40:00.000+08:00

Loving to a large extent is one great act we must perform in order to create change in our society. I heard mass today and the meaning of the homily appeared holier to me than it should be. Visualize the sorry world where we lay down questions every other time on how we can overcome distance, conquer fear, to cease torment within ourselves and wipe out the disarray of faith to one another.

We are produced by the love of God and thus, we are His followers. We are all fragmented mysteries trying to answer our own point of existence. Without the picture of Love ahead of us, nothing can ever guide us.

For the young one, loving isn’t that complicated. Cheap thrills would satisfy and wipe down every tear on his face. Soon as he starts to grow, he finds his spirit heading on to the verge of reality with consciousness that not everything is right in this world. He tries to use freedom and will start to live separately from others. But oh, he must be loved! Does he realize how much time he spent searching for fame supposing that many can love him out of it? No one wants to stay, how disheartening! It hurts when everyone is leaving and he’s left all alone defining everything for himself.

This is what we all call, Life. Love is the answer.

As we draw ourselves closer and closer to the perimeter of conclusion, our capacity to love is extending. God is love. Love is stronger than a mixture of regret, anger, hatred and jealousy.

I prayed to God this evening. I told him that I’m tired to some extent and sometimes admitting my defeat already BUT I can’t be angry at Hope.

Something weird is happening to me now. I will tell more about it next time. ;)

fun fun fun

2006-05-20T23:52:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was amazingly fun and everyone came to celebrate Mae’s 18th birthday except for Angge. Boo. While I was chilling with my friends in Glorietta, I received a text message blended with sadness and guilt from someone after and I told Jeni, “Hey, I want to be their distraction. Accompany me there.”

We found ourselves like on a long crusade the time we headed to Starbucks (Greenbelt). We arrived at the place and I chose a chair. “The fella isn’t like you… I can’t explain it,” I heard that clearly from someone.

Of course, we aren’t the same. We’re two different people. Honestly, not to conduct my own praises, but I was absolutely flattered. One person has been impressed with the things I do constantly regardless of my selfishness and impatience. And my virtue is the reason why another person must be dropped. Depressing but that’s life.

I thought you'll be another's. For a very short correspondence, meeting the "new one", I tried to initiate the talk and interrogation but the person isn’t courteous at all. Must be really dropped, I think.

The same special person to me has been asking me why I set a standard to someone who can exclusively enter in my life. My friends have detected that I lost my interest to meet someone new. I’m uninterested. My pulses are fine. The inner awareness and courage is in me. A person puts something of himself to each moment he creates with someone. Exciting and pleasurable moments could have been specified already. They’re everywhere. Why can’t you make it extraordinary allowing someone you really have a thing for do something to you that would appear like everything? And not giving up to a simple joy without any profound attachment; very unfair each time the other one surrenders his everything, but to you, it’s just something. Well, something monotonous. Then in the end, you both realize how you wasted all your time. To stress here again, I can’t reduce the standard I set.

Gotta see other pix from Lini's cam soon!

Mae is a real heartthrob!

You are the best! I love you!

Party

Ooops. R-18. We're innocent.

Skirt awww!

Fugly look of mine with the undies I gave Mae

Sweeet. Mwah!

At Temple Bar in Makati, I danced with my girl friends all night long. I was greater than a supernatural being! In the dark, how good when your hands would tremble so slowly and can’t afford to get too close to new people. You’ll never say, “I am yours.” You may wish to date all of them but you’re too discreet that you’d hate it if they get to know you more.

My spirit is in the cradle of delight, so fulfilled how a beautiful friendship with my group has been with me all the time despite the distance. Knowing everything about me, they always minimize the ache of my heart for me to never be painfully hurt. Hearts do gather and memories, tears, and laughters are the always present elements that can never take us apart.

to love each day of my life

2006-05-19T14:01:00.000+08:00

I sat across a close friend yesterday at Seattle’s Best (Greenbelt), spilled my heart and poured down the rain of thoughts. No such thing prodded me and calmness did act together with my deep silence.

After dinner, we caught some live bands. The music, oh, very wild and magical, combined forces of my realization that I’ve loved and learned the cherished ways of old. Above all, I’ll continue loving the world everyday. It nourishes my heart and makes it bigger.

I’ll be going out later again with friends but before I do, here I am getting the afterglow, basking in the same way I’ve been doing for the past few days. I’m trying to bring back into its life each dull moment; a rebirth indeed.

I don’t need to re-create an established bond very close to me. We’re both fans of reciprocation and even there’s this masochism in me, of why I had fallen at a very low level for so many times, I believe in true love. Once you’ve found genuine love, everything’s there. It’s all worth it. And I love having it for myself and for people who’ve got to possess it.

So to “YOU”, I had made you vulnerable and so deeply lonely. Good to know how you’ve been so intimate with somebody else lately and that one person carries the capacity to love unconditionally. The happiness you feel is exactly the same thing that flows inside my chest.

The photo is the henna I've got last night.

life and sins

2006-05-17T00:47:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I realize how things can’t go on, that I no longer need to pay attention, let somebody see my smile and become adapted to a new environment. At a certain point when all my dreams and hopes are equal and uniform, my faith conspires with the will. I cannot run away. Not now.

My willpower soars above a large waterfall where drowning has no place. The flickering light of beauty guards my character and right there, at the core of my heart. What a great picture, isn’t it?

I forgive tears as I treasure another misery. I let go bitterness as I learn the hard way.

Looking through The British Museum website, I found myself at the Ancient India corner to uncover and frame insights- “the fundamental truths of life”, from The Buddha story.

What were the Buddha's fundamental truths of life?
"These truths are: all men who are born eventually have to die, sickness comes to all men, old age comes to all men, and renouncing worldly possessions is the way to attaining peace and salvation. "

Like Prince Siddhartha, as I deal with the remorseful world, I’ll do the attempt shaping myself into someone and not just something before the unhappy world starts to eat me completely.

Does religion play an important role to people? Or to make it simple, isn’t the spirit of respect an innate thing possessed? I wonder. Seven capital vices (or sins) are present yet people manage to sin continually. I must admit, I am one of them sometimes but not very often though.

Missing coed’s body found in Cavite creek The most horrible, most evil act eagerly assumes self-satisfaction at the degree of violating human dignity. I may be a sinner BUT I can’t take it bringing into being others’ sense of worth deterioration out of MY impious conduct.

WOMEN should be loved, please remember that!!!

My Cousin's Wedding

2006-05-15T17:27:00.000+08:00

@ San Agustin Church

Joanna and Eugene

@ Diamond Hotel

Yuvienco Family :)

Want more?

here

someone sent me this one and i'm scared

2006-05-11T18:15:00.000+08:00

Scared? Or bothered? The crime of love has an absolute mission. Mixed emotions surround me.

*Changed two images with a question mark*

vague mixture

2006-05-09T12:02:00.000+08:00

Loneliness stifles the spirit and all emotions. The visible trace of moving forward and leave something behind are written in the path you must take. Too many wild nights are very painful to handle. Sacrificing isn't always rewarded. It's Sacrfice. That's it.

You start to ask, "How long?" In the beginning, the feeling had a great flavour but bittersweet moment entered when you've found yourself as one freedom fighter. You try to comfort yourself not until the next morning when the only reason for you to smile is finally lost. You definitely know how and where you can search for it, but you couldn't dare to try because when you start to, you may never stop or, it will be pointless.

You've been so attached to it, denying the truth and living with the illusion the two of you once created. In the same way, that very exact position, you are still holding on and dreaming. Does he have to teach you how to wake up? It was easy for him to do it. He's gone. You're alone and even if you try to escape a close and silent confinement, you wouldn't want to.

He believes in love and everything that is governed by nature, sun and music. His knowledge about love had expanded the moment you came; a great thing that can't be found in scientific or technical contexts. His care doesn't modify the subject that is your heart. He only sees a part of the picture, that he has learnt to love you. Nothing more.

He seems fulfilled with the small taste of love experience and he'll leave everything that way. He won't fight for it and nonetheless, will try to dissolve the feeling one step at a time. Even if it's to see you go and forget about everything, he'll go for it. Besides, most people believe that we have to let go. Not everyone agrees. You absolutely do not agree why you have to when one special thing aims to be desired and loved in a particular manner.

He blames the peccadillo of fate for one reason that to set him alone, so desolate was planned ahead before him. Why can't he see that you found him lonely and resigning him from too many miseries is the thing you offer. Real emotions lie behind the image of you. He's blind to figure it out that you are greater than destiny. You love him and you're haunted by guilt-ridden feeling each time you hurt yourself just to see him happy. You risk and take chances even if it can claim the embarassment of rejection. Aren't these things produce Sacrifice where the power of Love begins?

You experimented with a number of connections before. It started with a failure and ended up with another failure. An antithetical idea; you love and start to hate or you hate and start to love again. The acme of the situation is to let go, maybe. But you have to wake up first before you do.

Now deserted, you can't radically restrict one memory of the past. "Please don't let go. Stay with me." One person told that to you before. You listened. You felt it. You said your goodbye after. You realize now that you've arrogated that position which is asking someone to stay; to try a farrago of faith, hope, sympathy and love to bring the romance to its life.

Maybe you want to... what? "What goes around comes around." Pondering on that quote is the best thing to do. Your world is now filled in stygian darkness. Your suffering is finite; it's universal so to speak. Your love for him is infinite. How hard, right?

emotional rollercoaster

2006-05-08T23:05:00.000+08:00

I admire people who know what is real and what is illusion. Forgive me if I don't learn from past mistakes and I'm one hell complicated person. Someone is beginning to instill one thing profoundly to me; the great feeling to be loved. All the while, all my hopes saturated together with broken pieces Love played in the air before. I love and I can love everything that is in that person. Empty nights may have returned yet I fail to notice them again. I'm stranded. I'm hanging in the western sky and inspired to write a two-line poem.

But maybe, I might end up writing "your name" again. The reason? I don't forget. I always remember.

Is your love questionable? Fuck permanent love. There's no such thing and that's for sure. Short-lived? Yeah, right?

Something's wrong with "me".

no title

2006-05-06T04:12:00.000+08:00

My hardened feelings fell down; sympathetic enough to deal with the inner side. Music conveyed an energizing meaning. I’ve just arrived from one ggggreat gimmick after watching Erwin’s gig (at Baywalk) with his band. And yes, Thea is also part of their band; another good pal. The band was fantastico. They’ll go far!

Old things are stored inside my heart. Erwin was my former drum teacher way back seven years ago. We haven’t been seeing each other for a long time and Friendster brought back together our mislaid bond. At times we do chat. He sends me sugary adjectives he never said before. Wtf. If only I had a different age back then and how I wish that I’ve acquired from God the right amount of charm to captivate him (so I can display signs to please him, he he he) then the right timing for breathtaking moments was placed on my hands. JUST KIDDIN’! Whew, everything’s different now.

@ Hap Chang Tea House (after Baywalk)

A lot of things did change. (I'm irritated right now, urk.) My plain boredom came to its existence. I couldn’t predict what is yet to come; that’s for sure. I’m so pissed at a few men. I’m quite thankful that I deal with several average and decent guy friends who create stability to my spilling lack of interest. I'm bored with attractive men. I'm not charismatic in the least, so I have no idea why sweet talkers would arrive and couldn’t be a sport when I speak of the truth.

Why does one mini-tale drama with a man need to exist in my life? I’m just one hopeful woman, who stands day after day inside an arctic planet, and soon, will come to enter the human race as the syrup of intimacy rich with fondness and love showers strength to cut some futile strands.

All the time, I try to be honest-brutally honest. There was even a time when an acquaintance sent me a message to ask me one private question. To save myself from harm didn’t become a priority. It was my attention to mystery. There’s a lot of process, trivial path on the road to my mysterious persona which will unfold. I didn’t answer the question. I didn’t even have a second thought to surpass such thing by telling a lie. I DIDN'T LIE. I CAN'T TAKE IT.

You may ask me now why I say these things. I’m the kind of person who can’t be easily governed or tricked! I hate it. I hate it when someone would create a fake identity to obtain my constant attention. My annoyance can’t be thoroughly stated here. We all have standards, right? I can’t lower down mine. I’m still open though that one can definitely find himself with the opposite of his criterion.

To that person: I can absolutely accept parallels and contrasts. I want honesty and quiddity of a person. Be extremely careful generating a new identity just to pass the standard I set. You didn’t succeed fooling me. Could you please stop fooling yourself now?

how do i love thee?

2006-05-05T02:59:00.000+08:00

At this point in time I am concerned with the function of my heart and the inspiration my mind should grasp. I do wonder about my worth and how the hell will I live the next days of my life. As I grow each day, I sometimes undergo a certain point of ennui. I’m so familiar with all harmful sentiments it can give me, so still, I cannot give up.

The fluctuation of loving has demonstrated one thing to me. The feeling appears so weird and one abundant opportunity which is to experience it right there and then, by my ever-demanding self can never be given automatically. I should let hatred and bitterness get out of a cage for the atmosphere to purify them.

If I kneel down and thank God for giving me these special people I love, I will also state to Him that I do believe in the purpose of getting hurt - a course everyone should experience. Hey, let me add this one. How about when someone will always try to hurt me once in a while without giving me a good reason at all? And for another predicament to notice, he or she may even be a family member who has never been too nice to me.

I will never apologize if I’m becoming more open here. My blog isn’t popular anyway. I’m surprised from time to time when some people would tell me that they are my silent readers. For definitely, I have this to extricate my hand from something that doesn’t help me liberate my feelings. If this entry appears to be a pathetic form of wrath, you’ve just seen my slayer tendency for one damaging thing love can declare.

Did I say love? Oh, am I loved by that person anyway?

That’s one story about monsters I perceive. Can we try not to mess up one’s productive life that’s running through a practical way? Don’t give a damn and I won’t fuckin’ care about you too.

How Do I Love Thee?
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

I live with that one from Browning, a poem I’ve encountered in LIT class, first year college. When we love, it shall lead us to a spiritual realm. Souls do interact and that’s why we should be aware of the initial movement our hearts would create the first time we meet a person. That soul matter can also provide the idea why I can love anyone as long as there’s positive energy for me to dig.

I shall but love thee better after death. The line jolted through me. This sorry world can never be enough to articulate the fertility of one true love. I’ve tried so many times before to just vanish whenever someone would hurt me. I did hurt myself physically and begged God if He can bring my life to an end because usually, when I feel so ready to provide everything, the elasticity of both sides would just snap out. With those series of loses I’ve experienced or people sensed because of me, I request forgiveness to those people and to my own self also.

In paradise, one great thing shall remain and take two lovers up again. There's one thing we should die for. Realizing that the most worth it thing is the hardest thing to give up and nothing can hold us back to sacrifice a lot for it, I’ve decided that I can try to hurt myself again next time but I must be sure that I’ll definitely die and see myself in paradise where everything flows smoothly under God’s grace. I find it hard deciding on what form of death I should undergo. And for one non-fiction crime of mine, I haven’t found the person yet for it. Too early. I’ll live and heal brain trauma because I see one person on earth at this point who can expand my limits when I express love. I want to give it a try. Let’s see what can happen!

in-depth

2006-05-04T16:00:00.000+08:00

Rockwell reflexively helped me a lot to discharge some worries of mine yesterday. The relaxing and comforting atmosphere of the place, I am enthralled. I went to a salon for new haircut and hair color. I think it turned out fine, reasonable for the price I paid. My friend Av said so too. Ooops, my mom didn’t like the color at all. Mom thinks that I poked the bitchy machine and yes, I look like one matured ley-deh now? She’s nagging me about it. She agreed to my appeal. To keep this one for a week, then, change the color after. Urk. Rarrrr…..ahhhhh….

….But anyway, I realized yesterday that I can show reluctance still. Ok, I met someone new. At that certain point, I turned down one thing and threw my cards on the garbage can. For that certain moment, I didn’t think that one opportunity may be lost, nevertheless, I didn’t need radical adjustments. I was so aware of what I really want. And it wasn’t there.

Moving on, apparent disagreement challenges me. One serious discussion renders to be unhelpful when it comes to inducing a new belief and putting it into practice straightforwardly. This cannot happen overnight and I hate it when someone would sound like, “Hey you know what, the truth is…. And yeah, go agree, because, I said so.”

There are different beliefs which we exercise and even if someone tries to encourage you to follow a new one, it will take years or it can never work for you. Past experiences do shape beliefs. An experience will forever remain a sole remembrance for you alone. Others can never be on that same situation you had. They can relate because their experiences may be “quite similar” with yours, a slight representation but can never be equivalent.

A suggestion which is to cast a shadow over one’s principle can absolutely make everything vague and many circumstances that are to follow may appear cryptic and puzzling. I’m not grumpy and sometimes, when someone would whine into something, it will be okay for me to just listen and discover how other people could handle this way of life. Opposing values can be in conflict forever and thus, “respect” can put everything in order. Don’t get caught by the foiling inertia.

Dear friend, I'm glad we're okay now. I was able to pull off a formless thought by asking directly and getting an honest answer in return. I felt so bad last night. I knew it, something was wrong but it couldn’t be me. Well, maybe. From the past months, I had given a constant attention to someone and probably, he is right to say that my act of separation can be a tough one to consider and can accentuate to one misunderstanding between the two of us.

I’m indeed flattered. I’ve just heard one smooth and sweet reason why he has that kind of fondness for me. I’m not easy to read and most people would tell me that I’m reserved most of the time. Umm, yes? Not that I am cautious or something but I see to it that every word, every action I produce must be heard and felt by people. I don’t want my time to be wasted. I don’t want to waste other people’s time either. I’m expressive and I have this experimental attitude. I follow my instinct and fear can never accommodate my drive when it's about loving people close to me. And besides, isn’t it good to be even anyway?

wanna read what's on my mind?

2006-05-02T02:38:00.000+08:00

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do you know now?

trace the dots if they'll lead you somewhere.

but i guess, not at all.

i guess, we're both clueless.

the catalyst

2006-05-01T15:18:00.000+08:00

I’m driven by cravings to remember and uphold every memory. As I trace the earlier period of sweet memories, I see myself had gone a long way from it, nestled at a steady point. The fugacious spirit of a moment in time, something that lasts but only for a short time yet you can never discharge yourself once it haunts your presence.

On that one clear day, a good friend visited me. How come we haven’t seen each other for years? The past appeared on my eyes. All heartfelt letters from her that were left tear-soaked, every hug that crafted a vibrant feeling and everything she did for me without operating a single thrust to upset me.

The gratifying thing about her, she’s a good listener. She can’t stand in the way to oppose my beliefs but rather, pays respect. She started saying “So…. Blah blah…but…” and ended with one question I happen to ask myself all the time.

“Are you happy?” she said looking very interested.

Directly, I told her how odd my behavior could be for some, but it’s an extraordinary thing which I am proud to let somebody dear to me see and understand. I’d love to be faster than my tenseness, uninterrupted and said the Truth.

She didn’t hurt me. The swelling strings of my heart went frozen, so still. She could’ve dropped the painful sensation of mine to see it worse as I would elucidate more painful emotion but she looked at my eyes, shook of the sinister setting and removed all the discouraging moods that have troubled me for a long time.

“I’m proud of what you’ve become now. Keep in mind that whoever you choose to be, I will love you not less but even more…”

How disappointing that most people would try to be guided by the primitive way of living when most of them are having difficulties at the present time and suffer an entire loss. Some have long forgotten the real meaning of happiness and the power of choice.

I can still note an insulting verbal attack from my cousin one particular night that could splinter my frame of mind each time I wonder about myself. There’s no other fitting image I can have for myself rather than the gift my Savior bestowed on me. It was the first time I’ve felt so rejected and probably the last BUT never would I stop shooting down rejection as I'll continue revealing to the world the interior side of mine people should learn.

2006-04-26T21:35:00.000+08:00

firewoman, dont water down desire

2006-04-25T16:23:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I accompanied a friend to see a doctor. Take note, I had to get annoyed, scream and frighten her a bit first (ha ha ha) for her to comply with my will. Her ill health has been disrupting daily commitments and we must inquire about the medication to follow. My pediatrician had moved to the States and I don’t know any other healthcare professionals. I called up UST-H and asked for recommendation.

The ride to the hospital was exasperating brought by traffic and scorching heat of the sun. Her head when held by my right shoulder, I observed one face with no makeup, pale lips and silent suffering. The doctor said that all symptoms explain viral infection but there’s nothing to worry about. She can definitely free herself of such illness the natural way. Thank God!

From the hospital, we had the idea of going to Popstar. We sang couple of songs. I tried searching for Firewoman on the list of songs, not there, boo. Belinda Bye Bye was a better alternative and all songs from Barbie Almalbis.

Barbie let her Belinda go and the song explains why. The soldier tattoo on her chest fits her. She may have that feminine look but the inner strength she has is captivating. She knew how to move me in the direction of discovering more things about myself and to never ever stop learning.

Av surprised me with this stuff from EK. Wooohoo!

I still think of you.
You left a shade on my veranda today. One spirit speaks, devoid of moderation as you breathe in the gelid weather, I offer you warmth. You held the soil and crumpled, raging against one misfortune. One step forward, I saw you and then, faltered. Could anything be more horrible? Instead of you, I have this, and all enlivening pieces to put together.

I feel so safe.
I was so young that time, in my bed, covered by a sheet of comforter. The scenario given can put to vision how I felt inside. I used to hide the real side of mine for safety. You started asking things for me to answer. I found myself uncovered when I opened up to you everything about me. You were there and you never left me. I told you how weird I would always feel about myself, in return you said, I am authentic. You called me by the nickname “Free” for the first time. From that day on, I knew it. Our friendship will never end and I shouldn’t be afraid to be myself.

Hold on.
How do I start? See, I’m tensed. Would you calm me again? A smile from you (my eyes couldn’t quite get in touch with) should be called beautiful as I've named every part of you. I would hold you against your will and love you the way you’ll never forget. I suffer another attack of affection at this point---something versed in many languages I doubt if you'll ever get to learn or know. I’ll hold on to this spiritual form of vice. If sooner you’ll be too painful to handle, would I let go? Maybe I should but I don’t want to.

for bebi

2006-04-24T20:53:00.000+08:00

Ask me one thing I like about her. She couldn't love less.

scarlet sins

2006-04-22T18:01:00.000+08:00

One luculent feeling entwines with something that discourages a deep slumber. Beneath the untamed thoughts, I try to get hold of the influence a high ground can ever offer, without any laws of losing, falling short and a sudden collapse.

Even the slightest warmth from you creates artistic taste withdrawing my fear. All of a sudden, farewell is intransigent from time to time. I imagine days with you, most of the time I was greatly romantic and proud of it. No one else can hold me close, admit defeat and shower me hope for a future separation from the conventional principle of the society. Whenever we are together, devoid of exclusion and heartless judgment from others, if I say world, from side to side, we are both selfish. We hold hands and run away.

If I come back to that kind of globe, will you lead me to a much more brilliant path? Why does beauty break easily? If I can let something in, let it be impossibility. Don’t deny the catastrophic substance of the world. I reflect on sensing one realm of vagueness I haven’t been planning to consider.

There goes bliss. There goes denying of truth. There goes the arrival of theoretical heartbreak. Something I can’t see, touch or hear but I realize the emotions of being loved or maybe, just wanted. Those things go around me, there’s even a better love I can give than this. And as I draw nearer, I’m unaware of things I am short of. No hunger. No thirst. No complication. It’s heaven. My eyes fantasize so late each night but at least, this new craze sets a limit from tough reality and paints a reason for me to wake up each morning. Oh, goodbyes love me so much! They may even be just around the corner but I don’t mind them unless they start to massacre this new life I’ve just found. I may have a weakness for being alone, yet a selfless heart, isolated, could be found again someday.

I don’t want to spoil the purity of your love. You’re the accurate person I would learn to love again. You know me; I never learn from past mistakes. Is another shot worth a try? I don’t think so. If I learn to love you once again, I should detach myself first from the voyage of my imagination. I recover my freedom and retrieve all I can ever get. I don't feel I have something to offer, but rather, more to lose. Look, here I am, drained and unfilled. So where’s the large quantity of affection you told me I can provide you?

I can make it to the critical hole, as I may surrender once again, one sinful move for one reason that you are tempting me. There wasn’t any love lost, only malfunction. I try to forget and erase how it felt, but I couldn’t do it fully because you restored my “I love you” and reawaken those three words at a great distance from how I see you right now. I listen to songs and to my surprise, new form of hope often intrude on my eyes. The significance has changed, undergoing paranoia, wanting to love someone else new but I couldn’t, unless true love begins to exist, and is so much greater than this doubt I undergo.

Off the topic: I don't like to have a dim template anymore. I removed the tag-board too.

reflect on uncertainties

2006-04-20T14:23:00.000+08:00

I have been attracting pain, misery and difficulty for weeks but don’t suffer that much. The most evil act I can ever do is failure to maintain my sleeping habits I had before. I stay up dreaming and fighting for so many things. The abandoned feeling floats and I love it. I love possessing my thoughts, manipulating them and dealing with them. I couldn’t allow someone else do that again for me.

I’m becoming selfish, probably. I learned that fear is something that should suggest us what to do and never let it appear as a barrier. The consequence that will occur could deliver us into something we loathe to bear. Modification shapes difference. Adaptation is the key. I’m used to denial and rejection. Whenever people do that to me, on the other side, I become more skilled at loving, allowing my feelings to just flow, fill up an invisible jar. I refuse to say that they aren’t painful at all. I don’t notice the emptiness inside, unmindful where can I ever get the power to offer without anyone answering back the procedure. Could it be possible that recognizing the real side of mine is enough at this moment? I think it is. That’s the fuel that tolerates my drive.

This is the state that works for me now. We can’t stay in one place forever, right Denise? I’ll drop all these as soon as I figured out the lesson. Objects react upon objects. I hell commit myself into something formless, dedicate and allot logical answers. Something better may come. I must be patient.

I had chest pain last night and it’s associated with the kind of heart disease I have which was detected last year. Those irregular heart beats won’t let me die young, I assume. I took a rest for a while and listened to some songs.

Inside I was a child that could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way, too teach my heart to sing
No I've never been afraid to cry, now I finally have a reason why
I'll remember
(I'll remember)
~"I'll Remember" Madonna

That’s a song dedicated to my mom. I asked her to listen but she didn’t pay much attention to the lyrics. Aww. In the nearness of her sight is our trademark, all- time theme song, “You Were There”. What made my day so poignant yesterday was when I shared with someone those ordinary, horrific and remarkable happenings that I had with people. I didn’t manage to sum up one long narration without crying. I was cleansed. The words "strength" "love" "save" and "change", are important to appreciate at length from the song “I’ll Remember”.

I so love the magic of love. It’s a matter of self-discovery. I hate to embrace anyone just because of the need. I threw a joke on my friend yesterday and told her that I haven’t been taking care of myself for the past few days because I believe someone out there must do that for me. Ha ha ha. I miss the feeling of waking up with all awareness that I get to let someone smile.

A fall down is inevitable. New connections are certain. You go to one place and do interrogation and suddenly you’re attached with one another. For a few weeks, you learn more about the person and the other discovers the thing that makes you tick. All these don’t serve as guidelines to sex or relationship for that someone might just need friendship and the whole package of being friends.

Saguijo here I come!

There are so much more things which I need to learn about myself before I mold confidence then try giving myself fully to a person of my standard in the future. I’m so attracted to one’s intelligence, loyalty and authentic experiences he can share with me. And yet, I can mess them up by appearing so difficult to be read. I shall offer directness and clarity, hoping someone will not only understand but love me for who I am.

Sorry if I'm too wordy. This is not for the audience. I don't even know who really gets to read this and understand with interest. This is my journal and I deserve the courage back like the blogger I was before.

lost and found

2006-04-19T02:04:00.000+08:00

Poem I wrote last week:

"Fill Me Up"
Boring walks refrain from hasty intake of happiness
under the influence of despair
Combining the blurred and real
comes up a mysterious liking
Perdurable moments of sincerity,warmness and devotion
together with life’s shifting hands
Gloomy the sky, life hasn’t changed at all
my life is you, you are with me
The soft susurration of desolation
at a distance, crushed by the unheard,unfelt, and unseen presence of yours
And everything’s hidden
covered by a fake smile
I have soon to overcome
~o0o~

The drive to write left again. Like my soul has been starving for something meaningful. Rarrr.

"How can you love something that scares you?"

"It isn’t," my friend said.

"It is."

"Are you serious?"

"Away from being logical and practical, my answer is a yes," I added.

There I bear the duty of determining strength as I should face fear. Maybe, no one could ever escape in this life. I was born alone in the first place and in the end, I shall be alone. This isn’t the end yet, am I right? The pellucid separation is here, how come? Beauty contains many languages and the hardest to learn is coping with pleasure out of the pain it can offer. I’m tempted and coating the bareness with refusal. How odd! I’ve never been like this before, believe it or not. I must be. Not all the time should all questions be answered, and to this one, I’m hopeless but I wait.

I’ve just asked my sister, “What date is it now?” “19,” she said.

I never thought how a certain thing can come up and knock on my door. I
never thought how fast everything went like or let's just say, I've been blinded
all the while. With what? I don't care to know anymore. Now I feel happy and
partly scared. Although I know, this someone will always be there for me-vice
versa I assume. For a long time (I think) we've been oriented with each other,
we feel so comfortable already. I open up things as if I'm just saying
everything to myself on the mirror. This person is a reflection of all the
beauty I see in this world. I don't care if end will come for the two of us, but
what I'm thinking about now is the present, and everything will follow I know.
Definitely, I care for this person more than everyone knows. This feeling seems
to grow now. "I'm bout to fall already......." what I told this person when we
were talking until 2 AM. I got an answer; someone is ready to catch me. None
other than this person I'm talking about...............
---March 31, 2004

I ripped that off from a blog site I had two years ago which I wouldn’t dare to put the link here. The connection had a right formula in the beginning and then all of a sudden ambiguous hum brought it to an end. I haven’t seen the person for years and there’s something special with April 19. Powerful words imported fertile love, didn’t notice of the primitive view of people, here I am alone and remembering them all. Those days vanished but I found them now or they have found me.

I lost my passion in eager desire. I can’t encourage something I want to embrace me even for a short time as I divert my attention from the fact that it will utter its goodbye one day. If only we can command one thing we want most to stay, just stay. Will that be of high cost? A momentary possession would be worth it for as long as we arrive at the point of remembering the formula and reaction. The passion, fire and emotion, I may try to be numb, but they’ll revolve as always and create my own world.

Chaos destroyed the diagram of my life at this point. No gaps + No worries + No pain= No life. Uh-oh, I want life.

"My stubborn skin is wearing thin I bared my soul you waltzed right in I gave you
everything and you just made me feel so very naked, and I can’t remember how
I let myself become so unraveled I’m naked pretty as a heart ache waiting
for my second skin to settle in..."
---"Naked" Tracy Bonham

“You do the same thing to some people," a friend said. I drop people, in a softer way. How come some had dropped me so hard and left me shattered. "Bring that to an end. Showing what you feel for them creates difficulties. Why not let them run to you?"

They may even run to me and depart secretly.

Express your appreciation to your gods! I was born to fill myself up with the too much or with one small amount. I only want the just right thing and I’m fine. Friendship? That weaves my essence. How I wish some entries were meant for someone else, but I can’t lie. I haven’t lied about it though. I haven’t uttered even a single word about the truth behind one matter. I'm scared. Too scared. Scared of being this scared. Ahhh!!!

Darn, another self-destructive action no one can figure out. Is this a secret? Some know about this but they submit to either puzzlement or plain instability of complete comprehension. I’d rather be quiet and hope for that day to be better than what the word “fine” requires.

To those who can relate: That pic is Shane/Kate. I found that pic last night. I looove it! Far from her usual role on tv. Observe the crystal stare. Heeehuh!

selected ramble

2006-04-17T20:19:00.000+08:00

I don't say that I go for the frisson about sharing some of my secrets. It's my awareness that pushes me to open up or hide from the view of other people as I am guarded most of the time.

I never thought that at one point, some people can offer me words to tell me how they feel about my presence. Some just did. It felt good, serenading my sleeping sense of worth, relating to the absent figure that I need to trace.

Holding back the crisis for a very long time, my solemn plea is to be alone, be still and get away from the average doings. I'd rather sit without anything than to engage into something I can’t contribute completely. I'm often bored, high of seriousness and calling for change.

I'm one frustrated perfectionist. I stand with principles that lack bravery to persevere because deep inside, a clash of feelings takes place that suggest me to be in motion with a question mark. I call for an inspiration, unavoidable, they run away. The problem rests upon my confusion that until this moment, I provide invalid answers.

An idyll scenario never existed. From too much looking back, I worry about delaying progress. Last Tuesday night, I had a dream which was located in the domain of sadness. I tried my best to re-create my imagination just to forget, but I couldn’t.

They say that there are things in the reality you can never posses so you absolutely withdraw from them. In your subconscious, there's a well that bears all disturbances and disappointments. When you sleep, away from consciousness, you travel across that hidden universe and there you notice the things you've been keeping for a long time.

There was one incident last year that created a drastic change in my belief and faith in a certain thing – a dreadful reminder for drive accompanied by bitterness. I don't want to write down the details. Only few people comprehended about it. It visited my dreams for the first time. I opened my eyes and cried.

Do your thing but stay conscious about the ache you can bestow on people around you, unintentionally may it be. One ruined relationship redounded to the clearness of my sight. My story regarding my trip to Mindoro was limited because new realisations came in. Stop putting to picture a certain sentiment here, not a proper place to.

I was asked by someone, "How come you don't appear as one rebellious person?" I'm not but I am mad, so mad that I'll f*ckin do what it takes to be happy someday. I shall just deposit to my memory one bitter taste drama. For all we know, we can't rely on the memory that can easily forget. Inside my chest, one thing rests forgoing the need to move on.

Off the topic:

HOME

I had lunch yesterday with my mom and Av. Mom suggested that Av might want to have her vacation with us in Cavite. I keep my fingers crossed; I miss home – the base of my development as an individual.

We discussed about my debut in October. Dad can’t absolutely come because of his work. Mom and Av witnessed my eyes causing tears to flow down my cheeks and then I smiled and said, “It’s actually okay. Too bad, I can’t have a last dance from Daddy. Don’t worry; I’ll search for a boyfriend to do that.” That was a joke.

Dad e-mailed me about his previous works… I’m a proud daughter you can't do anything to erase that.

Hong Kong International Airport

Taiwan High-Speed Rail Corp.

And now, as an electrical engineer, he’ll be a consultant in KEO, a globally known large international design firm.

Dad, you read my blog and capable of perceiving my senses for this is the only way you can witness me grow each day. Yes, I am proud of you and I don’t know the best way for you to be aware of it because rarely can I come beside you and say what’s on my mind. So here I am telling the world that you’re a hardworking father and I love you for crafting me in this world. I continue my journey that someday, someone would realize my capability and worth like how I view yours right now. You used to be gone for months and now, for years. How unkind life can be but remain strong and turn to God. There’s still a long way for us both.

here i am again

2006-04-16T18:32:00.000+08:00

I came back last night from one enjoyable vacation. A friend gave me a short notice regarding the trip, like hours before our departure to Oriental Mindoro last Wednesday. I even assumed that we will be going to Puerto Galera. I didn't feel entirely confident about leaving the house in a hurry, packing up quickly, but what can I do? Will ensnaring fun harm me at all?

We had a very long ride before arriving at Pao's resort in Roxas, Oriental Mindoro.

from Taft to Makati
*30-45 minutes
from Makati to Las Pinas (Pao's
house)
* 1 hour
from Las Pinas to Batangas
*2 hours
from Batangas to Mindoro
(ferry)
*3-4 hours
from port to Pao's
resort
1 1/2-2 hours

The resort was lovely. It has two swimming pools, karaoke machines, standard rooms, billiard tables and the beach is located somewhere near the other gate. Pao's relatives are so warm and very accommodating. They served us delicious food from breakfast to dinner, very satisfying to our appetites. I would often find myself with a friend, listening to the wind's whisper and looking at the striking view every limpid moment at the beach. I wandered the place with confusion as I put across all my issues. It was a place with some melodramatic divisions. Beauty rescued and calmed me down.

I am glad to come home with almost all problems solved. Boo, the plan of moving to Boracay didn't push through. They got the ferry's sked to Bora, 1-4 AM last Friday. Since it is holy week, Bora overstuffed with people, they worried that we coudn't get a ferry to get back to Manila the next day. We might need to extend our days which couldn't be possible given the limited consents from our parents.

who's this? haha.

goodbye Mindoro!

the group

ready to flee

A and A

combative

going to Mindoro's port

more photos here

click the Mindoro album

I'm sorry if I failed to write a more productive twig of thoughts/stories. Some desires abandoned me. I am indeed happy though.

beach time!

2006-04-12T15:20:00.000+08:00

I'm off to Mindoro with my friends so I won't be around for 3 days. The plan of going to Bora after might push through so I don't know yet when I am coming back. For the meantime, please do check my other site and see what's there. Tell me what you think, please? Mwah!!!

Cheerio!

Hugs,
Ayesa

flying all day

2006-04-10T20:54:00.000+08:00

Whenever I wake up each morning, I want to be attentive and aware. My instinct matters to me so much. I'll say a continuous prayer just to wipe away negative tones. If I feel jaded, I hate it when I set aside the struggle for change. I can't manage to be brave all the time. Today, I realized that it's not always good to escape. This day is different. I feel different. The state is unusual but drifts smoothly like a first time. More charming than what sounds here.

My phone alarmed. Early. Today's our Clearance Day and I had to arrive at school before 8:30 in the morning. Lord, it's Holy Monday, I'm sorry if I failed to think of praying. I was almost late when I reached school. I hope You understand.

I met up my friend and headed to the assigned room. All my subjects contain the word "passed" beside them. I couldn't be any happier.

YOUR CHOICE IF YOU WISH TO READ ANOTHER HEART STUFF OF MINE. I suggest you to move on to the next part though.

---

An unrealistic existence of mine was there at the Main Building with my blockmates. A sea of bitterness occurred somewhere, troubled about seeing one person. I held my phone, 1 new message, opened, "Ayie!" was what I read. A text message from you. Brief moment of silence. Will I reply? Interruption. You appeared and headed to my direction. Your gentleness is hard to remember because I always see you cynical. I can't also say we're close if only fearless motives of mine paired our unbalanced state. You stood near me, for the first time. FOR THE FIRST TIME. You smiled. You wrapped your arms around as if putting back together my collapsed affection. I realized that you're still a stranger and I haven't saved enough things about you; to concretize my opinion regarding who you are isn't fair. Are you just the kind of person who can't be verbal fearing that you might put down people? I'm confused because you let me feel you. I must continue being logical and practical but you persuaded me. The moment you held me in your arms, I felt you, scared of departing the redoubt I find in you. A temperate embrace, damn, my lips were next to kissing the back of your ear as your right cheek performed a magical moment with my hair. You're like a fragment separated from my body to which it always belonged. How good but I cut off the urge, hated the tendency to become maudlin, my weakest submission.

I noticed all the firsts, even the first time you'll be gone for a long time. Please don't think I say these things because I'll miss you. God only paved the way for me to be thankful of your presence regardless of the abusive judgment you allowed my mind to build. Forget this. Forget me. And I'll try harder to really forget about you. Fair enough?

---

I caught the movie "Moments of Love" (Dingdong Dantes, Iza Calsado, Karyle) for the second time today. I found out from Jessica Zafra's blog that the movie is somehow similar to a Chinese movie "Sky of Love" (Ken Zhu and Gigi Leung). The romance between Dingdong and Iza happens through a telephone wire conversation as they discover further about their generations which are years apart.

The movie is long and many lines capture hearts absolutely. Love sees no time, not even the end. The overall message of the movie is to impose on people that love is parallel to destiny which echoed to my disagreement.

Honestly, the scariest part is never finding the person that sees his love for me without end. I don't believe that God had made someone who is just around the corner destined to be my forever lover. Imagine how boring it can ever be if our lives were predetermined before us! If that will be the case, each struggle is pointless. As we grow old, our views start to change. When old pictures start to fade, the reality exposes us to a modified authentic present reality. Call it choice that can put forward the generation process of changes. Shifting views and a changing world supplied by coincidence and chance, who wouldn't mind not to change at all? Get me?

Jologs na kung jologs but I'm proud to introduce to you the new object of my affection, Dingdong Dantes! Hahahahah!

I said I'm scared but I am certainly prepared to flee from disappointment someday. I remember a discussion with a friend that male population (including bisexual and gay) is of a much higher density than female population. The possibility of ending up alone is there because if not, some women should be queer.

The entry is getting long! I'm just so pleased because good spirits and insights came. Soon enough, I'll share the other parts.

Off the topic: To _________, you know who you are. Back off! Stay away from my sister, or else...

bittersweet

2006-04-10T00:22:00.000+08:00

From the previous entry, you can trace the hurting of my heart and also, my nonfunctioning mind. Writing for me is a shock absorber. I was nearly frantic about some things that popped up seriously last night to my surprise.

I can't prolong the ache of getting choked so I have to discharge these feelings. This labyrinth of obscure thoughts commands me to search. I wish for a wiser mind.

I've just finished a conversation with my best friend. She told me that I sound good on the phone. There's one secret we discussed about and it's funny how creepy we see things. Would you believe I even chuckled? Not that much. The repair seems to be rapid huh? That might be the result of being a masochist; all worries are quickly restored to the normal manner of things. I'm trying to cope with the things that are so visible at this point.

Asking questions lead people to a more lucid state. I don't know how to handle frank questions though. Four days ago, I bumped into an old friend at the mall. She told me that the way I look and carry myself changed. I don't wear baggy clothes anymore; I assume that formed the puzzle. After that, [Personal question again] was put it in. Rarr. Earlier than this, a guy friend of mine asked me a [Personal question again] via text. I felt how cautious he tried letting his thoughts come out. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to ask. I'm just so tired with the same question and the best answer I can ever speak is worn out. It's crazy. Some would even try to discern every detail and get a bit astonished. They wouldn't even believe. So what's the sense of the question? Now, like them, I want to ask, "What's really wrong with me?" Ha ha ha.

My friend sent me a message yesterday morning to let me be one of the first people hear the news that she has a new boyfriend. Her bf wants to meet us. The manner of the message was a bit sharp with the beam of her happiness attached. I ran away from the point of getting envy about how others can find a person when I've been losing a lot lately.

"This relationship is serious," that made me so conscious about it. Why did she have to stress it out? I understand anyway. She must be tired of playing games like what I am now. Monitoring whether the connection is love or sexual. The option to choose the need to nourish each other which demands accurate reciprocation is totally harmful.

The strength of my mind will arrive at my doors one day. I believe it will be here soon to unleash these wrecked feelings.

To D: You sent me a message, "Ohayo gozaimasu". I wanted to restrain my fingers but how come I sent you "Good morning too" in return? I didn't ask how you were doing for the past weeks because I don't care for you anymore like I used to. From the things I've gathered about you, I believe that you're not the type of person who lands on blogs. You'll never get to read this. I don't feel the stress of my fondness for you, thank God. I was anxious about my grades last month. Those empty nights when I made a big fuss over early sleep, that I might leave your text messages unanswered. There was even a time I turned down the opportunity to focus on my studies when I liberated all my desires to be appreciated by you. Don't worry, my grades went up. That's an indication for you to be aware that you won't watch me fall as I undergo a pang of misery again. You're not worthy of it. Watch me go. Away from you. By the way, I don't want to be the person who will lay down bets just to make you happy. I'd rather make my own self happy.

To one special person: Here I am, sitting with my dilemma. I had to choose between two things that are evenly unfavorable to your eyes. I went along the straight line that leads me to the truth. I haven't been on the level for a long time. I remain to hope though; one day can put an end to this lifeless moment. Believe me, you're a wiser person now. When we get to hangout with each other again, I hope to see you smile even for nothing. I want you to still give your time listening to some serious things I say and even appreciate my jokes that I also take seriously. Haha. And, before I forget, you don't know everything about me. Please be careful with the words you throw to me because I take them by heart the way I understand.

And lastly, to another person dear to me: You create a smile on my face. You're a blessing. I ignore seeing some hazy things. The genuine attachment I have for you reproduce as I get to know more about you. It's quite weird that you're the only person I want to take care of now. Damn, if only I could go across the world. The abstract form of emptiness goes under each time you fill me up with your tenderness and love. I'm soon to overflow filled with the abundance of love coming from you. You're one of the few I've ever met who will always be true and honest. You're free to hold my heart and kindly return it to my chest when you don't need it anymore. You're the brightness of each day, the flaming passion inside my heart and the tranquil sea that runs through my veins. I feel like I'm embracing a positive life each time I get to hold your presence. Doubt has an influential force but my faith in you prevails.

No me importa dos cajones

2006-04-09T00:27:00.000+08:00

Dear You,

Do you remember?

You're worth a thousand tortures.

How come we've hurt each other?

We've hurt each other enough.

Paalam na sinta.

"Think about love as a snow globe that cracks and leaks. It will be useless if the snow globe dries up. It will never be the same."

from: Denise

THANK YOU!

absorbing a song

2006-04-07T02:24:00.000+08:00

Eraserheads (1994) "With A Smile"

Lift your head, baby, don't be scared
Of the things that could go wrong along the way
You'll get by with a smile
You can't win at everything but you can try.

more?

luminous view

2006-04-04T23:42:00.000+08:00

understanding the distance

After a few hours, I'm next to the last page of the book I'm currently reading. It tells about death's control over us. The powerful words from the book assist me to continue an intimate relationship with Jesus. I haven't lost it though anyway.

He is always with me.

At this point, I feel prepared swimming the ocean. I care to subdue the intensity of fear. I call this point a cessation of disordered thoughts or feelings coming from the inside, my inside that used to create gruesome waves whenever I come around people. Swimming the river and at the same time, knowing the endless journey ahead towards the ocean became tedious yet worthwhile. Very.

I took this one in the likeness of hours waiting for the future. Av came over our pad today and I definitely had a great time with her!

I've seen the structure of myself and my inflexibility to forever hide who I am. Not just faking a smile, oblivious when it can ever be real when I do. I would start a day with a prayer to balance faith and hope. As the day would come to its end, missing the point of all actions, even that simple prayer that must have encouraged me to be "really" in this world even for just one single day. Yes, add more my effort to breathe, just breathe.

I was lost. In the direction of the unknown, not easy to carry the unqualified outlook I thought I should choose. I found out that if I seek for Truth, I should let the deepest side of mine affect and embrace my totality as an individual. Life started on my eyes in the direction I want it to be when I took by my heart the power of acceptance. People still come and go in my life and that is constant, but my aim to connect the authentic side of mine to people doesn't leave me an artificial lass. I've got nothing to hide so just love me if you want to.

So many questions go around my system still. To leave suddenly cannot help. I was sort of an escapist before. There is more to dream living in reality. I should swim the ocean towards truth.

Right now, I'm sitting down, very silent and willing to go beyond the question "why".

Ah, the intensity of my drive to write is back. It feels good. I also know the reason "why".

I love the song "Listen" by Stonefree. It gives an organized way of some feelings I can't verbalize yet. You can see the lyrics here and even hear it. Pinoy music rocks.

keeping you posted on how things were going

2006-04-03T14:53:00.000+08:00

The warm gentle wind arrived at a position that is somehow immovable at this point. Yes, I feel better and I'll make this condition settle for days. There are many great things that can gratify my senses. I'm so grateful to get back to a feeling such as this; missing the spot "I'm supposed to", and rather a change for the better. Nowhere can I find the path that is constant to yield all distractions and other forms of desperation I feel. I see a lucid breathing space and let me indulge myself for a moment.

My friend and I stretched time to walk around the area of Shang mall yesterday. The ambience was fine which made an increase to my upbeat mood. The mall has satisfactory surroundings, of good standing when it comes to a serene place for enjoyment. Sometimes, I can be so picky to my choice of malls. Sure, I can go anywhere but I tolerate showing favoritism. Not because I limit my grounds on entering malls overstuffed with luxurious stores but the real fact that I search for tranquility, there are quite a few malls that can represent for it. You definitely know what are these malls anyway, right?

So there, my day started with a caramel frappuccino from Starbucks. Our heart-to-heart conversation offered a calm storage for my thoughts. I felt unstressed as I consumed more of my drink. Nothing can ever beat the paradise I consider to feel each time coffee takes a course to my system. Cheers to a pleasant communication with a person who has sane words to say that can sort of uplift my spirits.

(I caught Ice Age 2 at G4 last Saturday with a friend. Go watch it. It's a great film!)

We went into one store and another, carried out a non-stop food trip as well. My knees felt tired and upon recognizing the time past 3 in the afternoon, we tried reaching my sister's show on the agreed time. When we arrived at the place, we got our chairs and were so damn excited to watch.

The show was enjoyable. Who would decline listening to my sister's voice as she sings "Stickwitu" by Pussycat Dolls and Lady Marmalade (Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya & Pink)? Here I go again... Proud sister? Yes I am, definitely.

Gooood Day :)

2006-04-03T02:01:00.000+08:00

at Shangri-La

at home (condo)

more uploaded photos here

another day, another thought

2006-03-31T11:13:00.000+08:00

Do I need to transform myself into a protean character and then pick out the right thing for me to get praise or at least high approval? The illusory self I should/must reveal is apt to be ephemeral then if it's going to be like that. In the case of my difficulty being away from indomitable viewpoints of others, I remain calm with the thought that "I'm not perfect but He gave me freedom..."

I'm receptive to the might every angle this world I am enclosed. Being sentient to whatever way that appeals to me as a thing to be loved doesn't only show an idea of my ability to become unguarded but moreover, ever evolving self of mine and yes, improving self (?), admitting the weakest spot and letting the concentration of strength gush through my veins.

I don't have to stoop myself; act to become decisive for in no form will the unwavering character that I've got will be shown. Things should be different now and I must be away from the depths of desolation.

Summer would usually give me a scope of self-indulgence to the extent that I will never forget each substantial memory it provided me (...like knowing the point of religion, my careless getaway to a beach and my union with a skewed juvenile romance). But now, will this summer be pointless? I feel like I've lost something...I don't even know what it is.

Get the feeling that you're never

All alone and I remember now

At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies

She dies

(My Chemical Romance "The Ghost of You")

*last night in my bed*

Whenever I pay attention to music, feeling low, music sets me away from feeling worse out of my current disposition. It's also like an act of absolving my sins, may it be grave or just one hell regular idiocy. My plan of "really" learning the guitar should take place this vacation. My friend had asked me last night if I'm willing to play with them, compete for the Band Expo and I replied to her that I'm interested.

Still, a part of me has an amount of uneasiness. I may be able to go home all the way to Cavite, engage myself in uncontrolled drum playing for our band practice and succeed in my aim to be away from resonant sound of city life that often leaves me without peace of mind BUT to abscond from all the hopes Manila could promise me for the coming days can increase the length of dullness the whole place has been for several days. I feel like there's still something good coming my way which I will definitely find here. Yes, "here".

By the way, I received my high school yearbook with my barkada last Wednesday. Before opening it, I became so concerned about the write-up on my page which was written by Aila, my bestfriend. My nature to forget attacked me once again that I failed to recall what she wrote for me. I read it seriously. It made me smile. I don't only give respect to her for being a writer (a good one) but my high regard as well that she knows me and how we tried in our own ways to understand, love and be aware of the value of our friendship.

Sorry if this entry is getting so long. I give an apology also to some people if I don't reply to your messages via sms. I get the chance reading them. My phone needs rest and my fingers are drained pressing down keys. Please try to reach me through YM (I'm always on invisible mode) or e-mail.

Ying_028@yahoo.com

i hope that i won't stay with this kind of feeling for months

2006-03-27T17:42:00.000+08:00

My belongingness to things interweaves as each string keeps on connecting from one point to another. There I go, remaining to hope ruled by danger. Loose or tight thread (how we hold or the way we are held)---not the root, but the stem. It is the support. The thing to sustain me is unclear, but could be found somewhere I believe.

My actions and decisions apparently flee on the way to the next part. I am just like you. I think of several people who left me and I have let go. I draw closer to rejection, failure, desolation and especially, the collapsed hidden part of mine that swallows in secret. Yes, like you too, though I am deflecting the chance of things around me to remain unchanged.

I carry gravitas at the same time turning away from a thought that I am immeasurably small. It is a clash inside me. Undergoing such, I do not identify the measure of endurance. I am at an imbalanced state diminishing the weight of my anguish, trying if it is the thing that must be done. But how do I start? Where is the beginning? Do I have to do random guessing? So many questions, and look, I am perceptive. So do not think that I find this state a trouble-free one, when in fact, it is not.

Moving on... Off the earlier thought.

I have been praying to win the process altogether of getting the attention of the person I have a thing for. I want a more permanent solution. I received the trust. Imagine that. An adequate amount of appreciation coming from the person becomes very perceptible. All my defenses surrender to fondness, circumventing the connection that is only between the two of us.

But that is that. Just that. Not that I am incapable of giving love but the force seems to be insufficient or maybe the time for it has not reached my place yet. And yes, I just love helping people most especially in a certain case that I find his/her situation similar to the thing I have experienced in the past.

Three people via sms called for my help today. One person even said that I am a person from the paradise. The feeling is gratifying. It made me smile even for a short time.

hello summer!

2006-03-23T20:44:00.000+08:00

I am extremely happy. Finally, summer break is mine!

After school, I was with the company of some blockmates. We ate together. Fun! I won't refuse to shout here that I will miss them.

What made my day really grand? I grabbed the chance to play the drums. The hell, I couldn't be any happier at this very moment. We rented a room at Perfect Pitch. There, we hooked the i-pod on an amplifier so I can have an accompaniment. My mood turned positive. Rock and roll!

When I was in 3rd year hs, I started to have poor vision eyes. I was advised to wear glasses. I have a pair but I feel uneasy whenever I would wear them. When I strolled the mall, I saw a nice frame and bought it. Look at the upper left photo. Weird enough?

Dad brought home a Yamaha CG-100A years ago. No one at home tried playing it. It is a classical guitar and a good one, I assume. To be skilled at playing the guitar is my goal this summer. I will be enrolling in a music school this April.

Finally!

I so love the song "Hands Down". Here is the video of it...

Just nothing...

2006-03-22T18:44:00.000+08:00

I had to see the person take my breath away again. I do not want to take a greater affection once more. I am considering the fact that I was over that person for about two days already and do not recognize our chance of going out (when we had plans for it). Do I have to experience a hysterical food trip everytime that I want a person be elsewhere? When deep inside, I am exposed to a feeling I could not deny---so uncomforting, and frightening at the same time.

I delay time and pray that I would not receive any message via sms from the person I am mentioning here.

We watched the movie "Just Friends" on dvd while waiting for our next exam.

I would love to blog for more things but I have to start studying for our last exam scheduled tomorrow. Summer break is coming!

I will be on a diet right away. I need to recover.

describing what i feel

2006-03-19T02:26:00.000+08:00

How should I start? Earlier than this, I was seriously thinking about a lot of things. I must thank divinatory practices that seek to reveal something about the future from the inner part of someone I come close (gaydar ability, predicted absences of professors, some don't-know-how-to-explain-but-I-just-know). Oops, did I scare you? Do not take that seriously. The tendencies and possibilities are great when visualized. It is not with the loudness of our words needed to be able to communicate well with one another. Through the power of silence, there is the core of sincerity so calm and continues to send powerful waves constantly. Practically, it hopes to be perceived through actions.

I see people who refuse to fight ever and take a lot of risk in life. When a person holds back from the thing he wants, he only delays time and waits for the arrival of sleepless nights, tear-soaked journal and yes, the disposition to forever distress arising from too much bitterness.

That was the person in me before. Well, partially.

My dreams are inanimate. I must keep in mind that I will always need the right kind or sense of passion to bestow life and light upon the journey.

I remember! Three days before this, I was so hard to be read by a lot of people. Love can be "mutually destructive". Once I give in, I forget being logical about it. One day, our professor told us that we do not need to define love. I am glad to be reminded of that. It is a feeling - the feeling of being one with each other with the different effects on two individuals as they experience romance.

Am I talking about love again? It cannot go out of my system, not now. If ever I will think about reducing it drastically, I am just afraid to encounter grief or pain itself. I will miss out something definitely.

Pain will lighten a lone soul once again. As it stands up, it has been recharged and ready to pour forth liberally its identity.

Am I to make mistakes again? Let us see.

go away paranoia

2006-03-18T14:53:00.000+08:00

I was saved by an ice cream

can i watch a leaf fall?

2006-03-17T17:13:00.000+08:00

The tears I saw from someone's eyes is something I cannot recover from at this moment. I maintain truthful intention to each action that I choose to do. I may want to embrace the huge love from this particular person but it seems to be wrong when I know that I am not the right person to take it. I am away from being selfish.

I am glad to learn a lot of things from new people. Last night, I was with some of my blockmates to finish our newsletter in journ subject. "Do you know yourself?" I was asked. It made me think. Straightforward I answered, "Not that much. But I do."

I am so pleased whenever I find myself in an unusual conversation. Whenever I share something significant about my character, I feel like I was never deprived by life. It is by knowing and maintaining absorption to discover more of the inner self. I was never free. I only let freedom get close to me even just a bit. That is enough for now.

CHANCE is the thing I aspire at this moment.

I will be posting some lines from the novel that I am writing for quite a long time already. :)

It is not the planned things that she needs. I, Chance, can dissipate the deficiency of requiring the unplanned shade the road. I might be given a commendation for future's domination. If she would only listen to my genuine hushed acclamation, grand things will be cherished.

In a soundless freedom space, I was created. Gods from above with lengthy hair stretched across the cosmos. A herculean task was equivocated to me one day. As every man catches a glimpse on a jet black sky, gods' hair move backward and forward all together. There, the stars neither lose their colors nor lighten; they only embrace the burnished magic as long as they do not go on for too long. In our universe, possibilities are valued. Every kind of subterfuge positions is my aim for a good foundation. I believe these things reflect best when brought together.

Away From You

2006-03-15T18:38:00.000+08:00

I am experiencing a naive form as I deal with things. I thought that I was the most free person on earth! Damn it. I am at the most vulnerable stage and perhaps, the place I fret a lot because of the change it can give my life only by a single shot.

Each day, I search for unexplainable things. Every sense of touch matters to me. The journey links up with the sublime, I understand carefully. I might have won acceptance of some but that does not make my life untouchable. I will still meet questions, grief and all forms of uncertainty.

I do not want to waste the love of this person many times. The hardest part is not falling in love, but allowing yourself to fall out. In that case, I certainly know the calculated feelings I keep and if I would allow love to let go, that is it. I know what I want. But for the other, I might be viewed as an unreasonable jerk, when in fact, I am not.

I hate to worsen the situation so I decided to disappear and learn what I did by heart. Love has no guarantees. It only works when two people set the attempt of feeding the connection with honesty, faith and love of course.

I have just asked myself, "Was it all worth it?"

Silence.

"Yes."

7 Things

2006-03-13T22:30:00.000+08:00

the world that has almost everything allows me to search for some more
one's passion for life makes me want to think at a lucid state
screaming voices of the Filipino people tell me why my aching soul must be muted for days
as many people search for new connections, such act reminds me of the people whom I have lost in the past
getting expressive to what I feel for someone is opening myself to a vivid connection and risking my doors to despair
knowing the fact that I am not a kid anymore keeps me connected with the time I might waste or taken with interest
writing these things only means that I am living the great days life can ever offer

What I have been eating for days.

Damn love it. :)

Aila's Finally 18!

2006-03-12T12:12:00.000+08:00

Last night was Aila's debut. Finally, she's 18. Legal! More exciting exploration is to get nearer and that is for sure.

I asked my mom to put makeup on my face. I am not in favor of having somebody else do it for me. My mom knows well what I want. It turned out to be fine anyway.

The party was held at Silang Forest Life in Silang, Cavite. The place was charming and the arrangement was impressive. Flowers encircled the place. The swimming pool somewhere at the core of the place was damn striking. Many guests arrived, so thrilled about the flow of the celebration.

Me, Aiza, Hannah and Joan

Aiza and Ian were the night's hosts. As they started to provide words that will serve as a signal for Aila to come out, I was so energized of seeing how she will look on her night.

She appeared. Wow. The hours of darkness departed the moment she headed near the swimming pool. We saw her. I witnessed my bestfriend's transformation into a lady and I damn loved it.

Off the topic:

The man I thought I loved diverted my attention to what I am now. The woman I chose to be is essential to my character and how I deal with people. I will still do things on the way I would love to even if others disagree.

I only want to love and be loved.

So what is the matter?

I did another scary move and I felt so good after doing it.