here i am again

I came back last night from one enjoyable vacation. A friend gave me a short notice regarding the trip, like hours before our departure to Oriental Mindoro last Wednesday. I even assumed that we will be going to Puerto Galera. I didn't feel entirely confident about leaving the house in a hurry, packing up quickly, but what can I do? Will ensnaring fun harm me at all?

We had a very long ride before arriving at Pao's resort in Roxas, Oriental Mindoro.

from Taft to Makati

*30-45 minutes

from Makati to Las Pinas (Pao's
house)

* 1 hour

from Las Pinas to Batangas

*2 hours

from Batangas to Mindoro
(ferry)

*3-4 hours

from port to Pao's
resort

1 1/2-2 hours

The resort was lovely. It has two swimming pools, karaoke machines, standard rooms, billiard tables and the beach is located somewhere near the other gate. Pao's relatives are so warm and very accommodating. They served us delicious food from breakfast to dinner, very satisfying to our appetites. I would often find myself with a friend, listening to the wind's whisper and looking at the striking view every limpid moment at the beach. I wandered the place with confusion as I put across all my issues. It was a place with some melodramatic divisions. Beauty rescued and calmed me down.

I am glad to come home with almost all problems solved. Boo, the plan of moving to Boracay didn't push through. They got the ferry's sked to Bora, 1-4 AM last Friday. Since it is holy week, Bora overstuffed with people, they worried that we coudn't get a ferry to get back to Manila the next day. We might need to extend our days which couldn't be possible given the limited consents from our parents.

who's this? haha.

goodbye Mindoro!

the group

ready to flee

A and A

combative

going to Mindoro's port

more photos here

click the Mindoro album

I'm sorry if I failed to write a more productive twig of thoughts/stories. Some desires abandoned me. I am indeed happy though.

beach time!

I'm off to Mindoro with my friends so I won't be around for 3 days. The plan of going to Bora after might push through so I don't know yet when I am coming back. For the meantime, please do check my other site and see what's there. Tell me what you think, please? Mwah!!!

Cheerio!

Hugs,
Ayesa

flying all day

Whenever I wake up each morning, I want to be attentive and aware. My instinct matters to me so much. I'll say a continuous prayer just to wipe away negative tones. If I feel jaded, I hate it when I set aside the struggle for change. I can't manage to be brave all the time. Today, I realized that it's not always good to escape. This day is different. I feel different. The state is unusual but drifts smoothly like a first time. More charming than what sounds here.

My phone alarmed. Early. Today's our Clearance Day and I had to arrive at school before 8:30 in the morning. Lord, it's Holy Monday, I'm sorry if I failed to think of praying. I was almost late when I reached school. I hope You understand.

I met up my friend and headed to the assigned room. All my subjects contain the word "passed" beside them. I couldn't be any happier.

YOUR CHOICE IF YOU WISH TO READ ANOTHER HEART STUFF OF MINE. I suggest you to move on to the next part though.

---

An unrealistic existence of mine was there at the Main Building with my blockmates. A sea of bitterness occurred somewhere, troubled about seeing one person. I held my phone, 1 new message, opened, "Ayie!" was what I read. A text message from you. Brief moment of silence. Will I reply? Interruption. You appeared and headed to my direction. Your gentleness is hard to remember because I always see you cynical. I can't also say we're close if only fearless motives of mine paired our unbalanced state. You stood near me, for the first time. FOR THE FIRST TIME. You smiled. You wrapped your arms around as if putting back together my collapsed affection. I realized that you're still a stranger and I haven't saved enough things about you; to concretize my opinion regarding who you are isn't fair. Are you just the kind of person who can't be verbal fearing that you might put down people? I'm confused because you let me feel you. I must continue being logical and practical but you persuaded me. The moment you held me in your arms, I felt you, scared of departing the redoubt I find in you. A temperate embrace, damn, my lips were next to kissing the back of your ear as your right cheek performed a magical moment with my hair. You're like a fragment separated from my body to which it always belonged. How good but I cut off the urge, hated the tendency to become maudlin, my weakest submission.

I noticed all the firsts, even the first time you'll be gone for a long time. Please don't think I say these things because I'll miss you. God only paved the way for me to be thankful of your presence regardless of the abusive judgment you allowed my mind to build. Forget this. Forget me. And I'll try harder to really forget about you. Fair enough?

---

I caught the movie "Moments of Love" (Dingdong Dantes, Iza Calsado, Karyle) for the second time today. I found out from Jessica Zafra's blog that the movie is somehow similar to a Chinese movie "Sky of Love" (Ken Zhu and Gigi Leung). The romance between Dingdong and Iza happens through a telephone wire conversation as they discover further about their generations which are years apart.

The movie is long and many lines capture hearts absolutely. Love sees no time, not even the end. The overall message of the movie is to impose on people that love is parallel to destiny which echoed to my disagreement.

Honestly, the scariest part is never finding the person that sees his love for me without end. I don't believe that God had made someone who is just around the corner destined to be my forever lover. Imagine how boring it can ever be if our lives were predetermined before us! If that will be the case, each struggle is pointless. As we grow old, our views start to change. When old pictures start to fade, the reality exposes us to a modified authentic present reality. Call it choice that can put forward the generation process of changes. Shifting views and a changing world supplied by coincidence and chance, who wouldn't mind not to change at all? Get me?

Jologs na kung jologs but I'm proud to introduce to you the new object of my affection, Dingdong Dantes! Hahahahah!

I said I'm scared but I am certainly prepared to flee from disappointment someday. I remember a discussion with a friend that male population (including bisexual and gay) is of a much higher density than female population. The possibility of ending up alone is there because if not, some women should be queer.

The entry is getting long! I'm just so pleased because good spirits and insights came. Soon enough, I'll share the other parts.

Off the topic: To _________, you know who you are. Back off! Stay away from my sister, or else...

bittersweet

From the previous entry, you can trace the hurting of my heart and also, my nonfunctioning mind. Writing for me is a shock absorber. I was nearly frantic about some things that popped up seriously last night to my surprise.

I can't prolong the ache of getting choked so I have to discharge these feelings. This labyrinth of obscure thoughts commands me to search. I wish for a wiser mind.

I've just finished a conversation with my best friend. She told me that I sound good on the phone. There's one secret we discussed about and it's funny how creepy we see things. Would you believe I even chuckled? Not that much. The repair seems to be rapid huh? That might be the result of being a masochist; all worries are quickly restored to the normal manner of things. I'm trying to cope with the things that are so visible at this point.

Asking questions lead people to a more lucid state. I don't know how to handle frank questions though. Four days ago, I bumped into an old friend at the mall. She told me that the way I look and carry myself changed. I don't wear baggy clothes anymore; I assume that formed the puzzle. After that, [Personal question again] was put it in. Rarr. Earlier than this, a guy friend of mine asked me a [Personal question again] via text. I felt how cautious he tried letting his thoughts come out. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to ask. I'm just so tired with the same question and the best answer I can ever speak is worn out. It's crazy. Some would even try to discern every detail and get a bit astonished. They wouldn't even believe. So what's the sense of the question? Now, like them, I want to ask, "What's really wrong with me?" Ha ha ha.

My friend sent me a message yesterday morning to let me be one of the first people hear the news that she has a new boyfriend. Her bf wants to meet us. The manner of the message was a bit sharp with the beam of her happiness attached. I ran away from the point of getting envy about how others can find a person when I've been losing a lot lately.

"This relationship is serious," that made me so conscious about it. Why did she have to stress it out? I understand anyway. She must be tired of playing games like what I am now. Monitoring whether the connection is love or sexual. The option to choose the need to nourish each other which demands accurate reciprocation is totally harmful.

The strength of my mind will arrive at my doors one day. I believe it will be here soon to unleash these wrecked feelings.

To D: You sent me a message, "Ohayo gozaimasu". I wanted to restrain my fingers but how come I sent you "Good morning too" in return? I didn't ask how you were doing for the past weeks because I don't care for you anymore like I used to. From the things I've gathered about you, I believe that you're not the type of person who lands on blogs. You'll never get to read this. I don't feel the stress of my fondness for you, thank God. I was anxious about my grades last month. Those empty nights when I made a big fuss over early sleep, that I might leave your text messages unanswered. There was even a time I turned down the opportunity to focus on my studies when I liberated all my desires to be appreciated by you. Don't worry, my grades went up. That's an indication for you to be aware that you won't watch me fall as I undergo a pang of misery again. You're not worthy of it. Watch me go. Away from you. By the way, I don't want to be the person who will lay down bets just to make you happy. I'd rather make my own self happy.

To one special person: Here I am, sitting with my dilemma. I had to choose between two things that are evenly unfavorable to your eyes. I went along the straight line that leads me to the truth. I haven't been on the level for a long time. I remain to hope though; one day can put an end to this lifeless moment. Believe me, you're a wiser person now. When we get to hangout with each other again, I hope to see you smile even for nothing. I want you to still give your time listening to some serious things I say and even appreciate my jokes that I also take seriously. Haha. And, before I forget, you don't know everything about me. Please be careful with the words you throw to me because I take them by heart the way I understand.

And lastly, to another person dear to me: You create a smile on my face. You're a blessing. I ignore seeing some hazy things. The genuine attachment I have for you reproduce as I get to know more about you. It's quite weird that you're the only person I want to take care of now. Damn, if only I could go across the world. The abstract form of emptiness goes under each time you fill me up with your tenderness and love. I'm soon to overflow filled with the abundance of love coming from you. You're one of the few I've ever met who will always be true and honest. You're free to hold my heart and kindly return it to my chest when you don't need it anymore. You're the brightness of each day, the flaming passion inside my heart and the tranquil sea that runs through my veins. I feel like I'm embracing a positive life each time I get to hold your presence. Doubt has an influential force but my faith in you prevails.

No me importa dos cajones

Dear You,

Do you remember?

You're worth a thousand tortures.

How come we've hurt each other?

We've hurt each other enough.

Paalam na sinta.

"Think about love as a snow globe that cracks and leaks. It will be useless if the snow globe dries up. It will never be the same."

from: Denise

THANK YOU!

absorbing a song

Eraserheads (1994) "With A Smile"

Lift your head, baby, don't be scared
Of the things that could go wrong along the way
You'll get by with a smile
You can't win at everything but you can try.

more?

luminous view

understanding the distance

After a few hours, I'm next to the last page of the book I'm currently reading. It tells about death's control over us. The powerful words from the book assist me to continue an intimate relationship with Jesus. I haven't lost it though anyway.

He is always with me.

At this point, I feel prepared swimming the ocean. I care to subdue the intensity of fear. I call this point a cessation of disordered thoughts or feelings coming from the inside, my inside that used to create gruesome waves whenever I come around people. Swimming the river and at the same time, knowing the endless journey ahead towards the ocean became tedious yet worthwhile. Very.

I took this one in the likeness of hours waiting for the future. Av came over our pad today and I definitely had a great time with her!

I've seen the structure of myself and my inflexibility to forever hide who I am. Not just faking a smile, oblivious when it can ever be real when I do. I would start a day with a prayer to balance faith and hope. As the day would come to its end, missing the point of all actions, even that simple prayer that must have encouraged me to be "really" in this world even for just one single day. Yes, add more my effort to breathe, just breathe.

I was lost. In the direction of the unknown, not easy to carry the unqualified outlook I thought I should choose. I found out that if I seek for Truth, I should let the deepest side of mine affect and embrace my totality as an individual. Life started on my eyes in the direction I want it to be when I took by my heart the power of acceptance. People still come and go in my life and that is constant, but my aim to connect the authentic side of mine to people doesn't leave me an artificial lass. I've got nothing to hide so just love me if you want to.

So many questions go around my system still. To leave suddenly cannot help. I was sort of an escapist before. There is more to dream living in reality. I should swim the ocean towards truth.

Right now, I'm sitting down, very silent and willing to go beyond the question "why".

Ah, the intensity of my drive to write is back. It feels good. I also know the reason "why".

I love the song "Listen" by Stonefree. It gives an organized way of some feelings I can't verbalize yet. You can see the lyrics here and even hear it. Pinoy music rocks.

keeping you posted on how things were going

The warm gentle wind arrived at a position that is somehow immovable at this point. Yes, I feel better and I'll make this condition settle for days. There are many great things that can gratify my senses. I'm so grateful to get back to a feeling such as this; missing the spot "I'm supposed to", and rather a change for the better. Nowhere can I find the path that is constant to yield all distractions and other forms of desperation I feel. I see a lucid breathing space and let me indulge myself for a moment.

My friend and I stretched time to walk around the area of Shang mall yesterday. The ambience was fine which made an increase to my upbeat mood. The mall has satisfactory surroundings, of good standing when it comes to a serene place for enjoyment. Sometimes, I can be so picky to my choice of malls. Sure, I can go anywhere but I tolerate showing favoritism. Not because I limit my grounds on entering malls overstuffed with luxurious stores but the real fact that I search for tranquility, there are quite a few malls that can represent for it. You definitely know what are these malls anyway, right?

So there, my day started with a caramel frappuccino from Starbucks. Our heart-to-heart conversation offered a calm storage for my thoughts. I felt unstressed as I consumed more of my drink. Nothing can ever beat the paradise I consider to feel each time coffee takes a course to my system. Cheers to a pleasant communication with a person who has sane words to say that can sort of uplift my spirits.

(I caught Ice Age 2 at G4 last Saturday with a friend. Go watch it. It's a great film!)

We went into one store and another, carried out a non-stop food trip as well. My knees felt tired and upon recognizing the time past 3 in the afternoon, we tried reaching my sister's show on the agreed time. When we arrived at the place, we got our chairs and were so damn excited to watch.

The show was enjoyable. Who would decline listening to my sister's voice as she sings "Stickwitu" by Pussycat Dolls and Lady Marmalade (Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya & Pink)? Here I go again... Proud sister? Yes I am, definitely.

Gooood Day :)

at Shangri-La

at home (condo)

more uploaded photos here

another day, another thought

Do I need to transform myself into a protean character and then pick out the right thing for me to get praise or at least high approval? The illusory self I should/must reveal is apt to be ephemeral then if it's going to be like that. In the case of my difficulty being away from indomitable viewpoints of others, I remain calm with the thought that "I'm not perfect but He gave me freedom..."

I'm receptive to the might every angle this world I am enclosed. Being sentient to whatever way that appeals to me as a thing to be loved doesn't only show an idea of my ability to become unguarded but moreover, ever evolving self of mine and yes, improving self (?), admitting the weakest spot and letting the concentration of strength gush through my veins.

I don't have to stoop myself; act to become decisive for in no form will the unwavering character that I've got will be shown. Things should be different now and I must be away from the depths of desolation.

Summer would usually give me a scope of self-indulgence to the extent that I will never forget each substantial memory it provided me (...like knowing the point of religion, my careless getaway to a beach and my union with a skewed juvenile romance). But now, will this summer be pointless? I feel like I've lost something...I don't even know what it is.

Get the feeling that you're never

All alone and I remember now

At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies

She dies

(My Chemical Romance "The Ghost of You")

*last night in my bed*

Whenever I pay attention to music, feeling low, music sets me away from feeling worse out of my current disposition. It's also like an act of absolving my sins, may it be grave or just one hell regular idiocy. My plan of "really" learning the guitar should take place this vacation. My friend had asked me last night if I'm willing to play with them, compete for the Band Expo and I replied to her that I'm interested.

Still, a part of me has an amount of uneasiness. I may be able to go home all the way to Cavite, engage myself in uncontrolled drum playing for our band practice and succeed in my aim to be away from resonant sound of city life that often leaves me without peace of mind BUT to abscond from all the hopes Manila could promise me for the coming days can increase the length of dullness the whole place has been for several days. I feel like there's still something good coming my way which I will definitely find here. Yes, "here".

By the way, I received my high school yearbook with my barkada last Wednesday. Before opening it, I became so concerned about the write-up on my page which was written by Aila, my bestfriend. My nature to forget attacked me once again that I failed to recall what she wrote for me. I read it seriously. It made me smile. I don't only give respect to her for being a writer (a good one) but my high regard as well that she knows me and how we tried in our own ways to understand, love and be aware of the value of our friendship.

Sorry if this entry is getting so long. I give an apology also to some people if I don't reply to your messages via sms. I get the chance reading them. My phone needs rest and my fingers are drained pressing down keys. Please try to reach me through YM (I'm always on invisible mode) or e-mail.

Ying_028@yahoo.com

i hope that i won't stay with this kind of feeling for months

My belongingness to things interweaves as each string keeps on connecting from one point to another. There I go, remaining to hope ruled by danger. Loose or tight thread (how we hold or the way we are held)---not the root, but the stem. It is the support. The thing to sustain me is unclear, but could be found somewhere I believe.

My actions and decisions apparently flee on the way to the next part. I am just like you. I think of several people who left me and I have let go. I draw closer to rejection, failure, desolation and especially, the collapsed hidden part of mine that swallows in secret. Yes, like you too, though I am deflecting the chance of things around me to remain unchanged.

I carry gravitas at the same time turning away from a thought that I am immeasurably small. It is a clash inside me. Undergoing such, I do not identify the measure of endurance. I am at an imbalanced state diminishing the weight of my anguish, trying if it is the thing that must be done. But how do I start? Where is the beginning? Do I have to do random guessing? So many questions, and look, I am perceptive. So do not think that I find this state a trouble-free one, when in fact, it is not.

Moving on... Off the earlier thought.

I have been praying to win the process altogether of getting the attention of the person I have a thing for. I want a more permanent solution. I received the trust. Imagine that. An adequate amount of appreciation coming from the person becomes very perceptible. All my defenses surrender to fondness, circumventing the connection that is only between the two of us.

But that is that. Just that. Not that I am incapable of giving love but the force seems to be insufficient or maybe the time for it has not reached my place yet. And yes, I just love helping people most especially in a certain case that I find his/her situation similar to the thing I have experienced in the past.

Three people via sms called for my help today. One person even said that I am a person from the paradise. The feeling is gratifying. It made me smile even for a short time.

hello summer!

I am extremely happy. Finally, summer break is mine!

After school, I was with the company of some blockmates. We ate together. Fun! I won't refuse to shout here that I will miss them.

What made my day really grand? I grabbed the chance to play the drums. The hell, I couldn't be any happier at this very moment. We rented a room at Perfect Pitch. There, we hooked the i-pod on an amplifier so I can have an accompaniment. My mood turned positive. Rock and roll!

When I was in 3rd year hs, I started to have poor vision eyes. I was advised to wear glasses. I have a pair but I feel uneasy whenever I would wear them. When I strolled the mall, I saw a nice frame and bought it. Look at the upper left photo. Weird enough?

Dad brought home a Yamaha CG-100A years ago. No one at home tried playing it. It is a classical guitar and a good one, I assume. To be skilled at playing the guitar is my goal this summer. I will be enrolling in a music school this April.

Finally!

I so love the song "Hands Down". Here is the video of it...

Just nothing...

I had to see the person take my breath away again. I do not want to take a greater affection once more. I am considering the fact that I was over that person for about two days already and do not recognize our chance of going out (when we had plans for it). Do I have to experience a hysterical food trip everytime that I want a person be elsewhere? When deep inside, I am exposed to a feeling I could not deny---so uncomforting, and frightening at the same time.

I delay time and pray that I would not receive any message via sms from the person I am mentioning here.

We watched the movie "Just Friends" on dvd while waiting for our next exam.

I would love to blog for more things but I have to start studying for our last exam scheduled tomorrow. Summer break is coming!

I will be on a diet right away. I need to recover.

describing what i feel

How should I start? Earlier than this, I was seriously thinking about a lot of things. I must thank divinatory practices that seek to reveal something about the future from the inner part of someone I come close (gaydar ability, predicted absences of professors, some don't-know-how-to-explain-but-I-just-know). Oops, did I scare you? Do not take that seriously. The tendencies and possibilities are great when visualized. It is not with the loudness of our words needed to be able to communicate well with one another. Through the power of silence, there is the core of sincerity so calm and continues to send powerful waves constantly. Practically, it hopes to be perceived through actions.

I see people who refuse to fight ever and take a lot of risk in life. When a person holds back from the thing he wants, he only delays time and waits for the arrival of sleepless nights, tear-soaked journal and yes, the disposition to forever distress arising from too much bitterness.

That was the person in me before. Well, partially.

My dreams are inanimate. I must keep in mind that I will always need the right kind or sense of passion to bestow life and light upon the journey.

I remember! Three days before this, I was so hard to be read by a lot of people. Love can be "mutually destructive". Once I give in, I forget being logical about it. One day, our professor told us that we do not need to define love. I am glad to be reminded of that. It is a feeling - the feeling of being one with each other with the different effects on two individuals as they experience romance.

Am I talking about love again? It cannot go out of my system, not now. If ever I will think about reducing it drastically, I am just afraid to encounter grief or pain itself. I will miss out something definitely.

Pain will lighten a lone soul once again. As it stands up, it has been recharged and ready to pour forth liberally its identity.

Am I to make mistakes again? Let us see.

go away paranoia

I was saved by an ice cream

can i watch a leaf fall?

The tears I saw from someone's eyes is something I cannot recover from at this moment. I maintain truthful intention to each action that I choose to do. I may want to embrace the huge love from this particular person but it seems to be wrong when I know that I am not the right person to take it. I am away from being selfish.

I am glad to learn a lot of things from new people. Last night, I was with some of my blockmates to finish our newsletter in journ subject. "Do you know yourself?" I was asked. It made me think. Straightforward I answered, "Not that much. But I do."

I am so pleased whenever I find myself in an unusual conversation. Whenever I share something significant about my character, I feel like I was never deprived by life. It is by knowing and maintaining absorption to discover more of the inner self. I was never free. I only let freedom get close to me even just a bit. That is enough for now.

CHANCE is the thing I aspire at this moment.

I will be posting some lines from the novel that I am writing for quite a long time already. :)

It is not the planned things that she needs. I, Chance, can dissipate the deficiency of requiring the unplanned shade the road. I might be given a commendation for future's domination. If she would only listen to my genuine hushed acclamation, grand things will be cherished.

In a soundless freedom space, I was created. Gods from above with lengthy hair stretched across the cosmos. A herculean task was equivocated to me one day. As every man catches a glimpse on a jet black sky, gods' hair move backward and forward all together. There, the stars neither lose their colors nor lighten; they only embrace the burnished magic as long as they do not go on for too long. In our universe, possibilities are valued. Every kind of subterfuge positions is my aim for a good foundation. I believe these things reflect best when brought together.

Away From You

I am experiencing a naive form as I deal with things. I thought that I was the most free person on earth! Damn it. I am at the most vulnerable stage and perhaps, the place I fret a lot because of the change it can give my life only by a single shot.

Each day, I search for unexplainable things. Every sense of touch matters to me. The journey links up with the sublime, I understand carefully. I might have won acceptance of some but that does not make my life untouchable. I will still meet questions, grief and all forms of uncertainty.

I do not want to waste the love of this person many times. The hardest part is not falling in love, but allowing yourself to fall out. In that case, I certainly know the calculated feelings I keep and if I would allow love to let go, that is it. I know what I want. But for the other, I might be viewed as an unreasonable jerk, when in fact, I am not.

I hate to worsen the situation so I decided to disappear and learn what I did by heart. Love has no guarantees. It only works when two people set the attempt of feeding the connection with honesty, faith and love of course.

I have just asked myself, "Was it all worth it?"

Silence.

"Yes."

7 Things

• the world that has almost everything allows me to search for some more
• one's passion for life makes me want to think at a lucid state
• screaming voices of the Filipino people tell me why my aching soul must be muted for days
• as many people search for new connections, such act reminds me of the people whom I have lost in the past
• getting expressive to what I feel for someone is opening myself to a vivid connection and risking my doors to despair
• knowing the fact that I am not a kid anymore keeps me connected with the time I might waste or taken with interest
• writing these things only means that I am living the great days life can ever offer

What I have been eating for days.

Damn love it. :)

Aila's Finally 18!

Last night was Aila's debut. Finally, she's 18. Legal! More exciting exploration is to get nearer and that is for sure.

I asked my mom to put makeup on my face. I am not in favor of having somebody else do it for me. My mom knows well what I want. It turned out to be fine anyway.

The party was held at Silang Forest Life in Silang, Cavite. The place was charming and the arrangement was impressive. Flowers encircled the place. The swimming pool somewhere at the core of the place was damn striking. Many guests arrived, so thrilled about the flow of the celebration.

Me, Aiza, Hannah and Joan

Aiza and Ian were the night's hosts. As they started to provide words that will serve as a signal for Aila to come out, I was so energized of seeing how she will look on her night.

She appeared. Wow. The hours of darkness departed the moment she headed near the swimming pool. We saw her. I witnessed my bestfriend's transformation into a lady and I damn loved it.

Off the topic:

The man I thought I loved diverted my attention to what I am now. The woman I chose to be is essential to my character and how I deal with people. I will still do things on the way I would love to even if others disagree.

I only want to love and be loved.

So what is the matter?

I did another scary move and I felt so good after doing it.

THE L Word

It is grateful to see that somehow, the world is finally unwrapped to put on view the lives of queer people.

Our professor in sociology asked us to watch Brokeback Mountain and pass a movie analysis as part of our requirements. . The film is about two cowboys falling in love with each other. Yes, queer as it sounds. But, if I were to choose what story is to be assessed, I would go for the tv series The L Word.

I think two women look good together. It is a new approach on female's homosexuality. I watched the first episode of The L Word's season 1 and it brought real lives to the screen.

Considering the fact that your actions do not fit the mannerisms of stereotypes, this does not mean that you are not gay.

Gay and straight exist although a lot of people are somewhere in the middle. For me, the best thing to do is to find the real voice from the inner part of the soul if you are gay.

The term bisexual (same sex and opposite sex) is for people who would prefer to wait for further examination. And in the end,

choose from two options: straight or lesbian.

Labels are not important after all. To pursue happiness does not depend on the sex of the person you are with.

It is an excellent opportunity to know who you are. Honesty can bring you happiness. Love wipes away differences.

Damien Rice "Cannonball" Still a little bit of your ghost your witness Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed You step a little closer each day Still I can't say what's going on Stones taught me to fly Love taught me to lie Life taught me to die So it's not hard to fall When you float like a cannonball... 'Cause it's not hard to fall And I don't wanna scare her It's not hard to fall And I don't wanna lose It's not hard to grow When you know that you just don't know...

heart thing

I am the kind of person who prefers the physical look be something else. Not so vain, only attached to the Lord's gift.

I managed to get a new hairstyle right after school. I asked the hair stylist to put on golden brown highlights on my hair.

Look…


Shall I say that my heart is so tough when it comes to falling in love? The guy I have been mentioning here is getting to know me. He admitted his real feelings for me. I admire romance but getting in there, no way. Its will to overpower my own mind and heart is something sufferable for me. I cannot take it.

When he is around, he makes me feel that I am a woman. When he offers ways to make me smile, I experience a heavenly feeling. BUT, I hate to be treated like a princess by a man. The scene becomes awful.

Whenever Silence comes, I start to think. There is trauma inside me and the cure seems a long way to be reached. There are things people can never understand and I hope, this would not last long.

My feelings for him can never be similar to what he has for me. He knows the reason but why can't he stop?

I want to live devoted

I talked with a friend about my childhood life. The imaginary girl at the window whom I named Dolores, my guns, the Robin Padilla look of mine to impress my mom and lola with the changed inflection of my voice sounding like a boy. What my friend did not know, while I was that generous sharing my childhood days, on my mind, one floating thought came.

Puff the Magic Dragon. The song talks about a little boy who loses interest in his playmate Puff, the dragon and suddenly escapes from the wings of childhood.

I remember then. That was a favorite! Currently, I am seventeen. Whew.

Look at what the exploration did to me. It cannot be over - not until my last breath. And there, yes, to the Lord I must surrender in the end

In school, I learn a lot. I do not grab the tendency of letting it be a daily routine. I love what I learn and appreciate the chance. LIT class never fails to gratify my senses.

I had a thought before on what life must have been if I am taking up Creative Writing or Literature. I am a paramour of such courses. Like what others say, music and art are almost as full of allusions as literature is. I will leave it there and continue taking steps towards my ambition as I finish Journalism one day.

The god from the machine has the most excellent contribution to every problem I am to encounter in life. But without my own being to play, life is pointless.

I see that my perspective is not homologous to some. At this point, I am at the peak where I see disgrace on the lack of understanding by some people and their disrespectful reactions on others' personal views. No matter how things can be potentially dangerous, I want to talk about life, human behavior, love, death, fate, being true to one's self and the balanced state of giving. I carry time to discover, look up and look down, dance, sing, weep, say what is on my mind and to pray

I offer my mind and heart to people, secrets and freedom.

my dinner with him

I felt such a wicked freak - and the spell lasted for an hour. What?!

The idea of letting a guy have the consent to get close to me is uneasy.

He told me, "Pare, okay lakad natin ah? Pare?"

I stared angrily.

"Ay pangrakista kasi noh?" he added.

Silence. Complete silence.

Words produced by my mouth the moment I was talking to him:
bolero ka siguro.
babaero ka siguro.
sure ako dun.

Glad, I smiled.

5 years passed until another guy headed me home safely.

Emotive Shots

I changed the link to

http://photos.yahoo.com/ying_028

What I did today...

--000--000--000--000--000--

a selfish act

To move on from the possessions of the past deflects the shedding of tears for unsuccessful romance. I do remember but do not let my mind dwell to a place that cannot sustain the existence of my affection.

I may have looked for several ways to expedite the remaining feelings yet somehow destroyed to become successful. Apparently, I did.

I should disagree with the statement "My best friend is the only person who knows the real me." Beyond my tangible flesh and agile soul, I came to know that a lot of people crossed the point that my defenses had protected for a very long time. Like a supernatural being, I sense my true identity. For others, they do not need to seek for the removal of my top secret but they see me feel good about myself.

I heard from the radio, "It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you are not."

(That's me! Taken last year. Look at my hair!)

Don't wait for me to converse anything when I know that you might be wasting my time. Allow me to have a discussion with you when I feel it. I guess that is the extensive amount of being true.

(Physics time last year. Mystified love. Successful in the end. Memories!)

As I was walking with some blockmates to buy myself a siopao, a friend told me how miserable she feels for a lost love.

Visualizing the old memories which you give in while admitting the defeat and still, you gain nothing as if the suffering carries on your remaining hope. Painful, isn't it?

Paraphrased:

I told her, "Don’t mind it. I mean, I've been there."

I didn't want to sound mushy.

"And, yes. I am just the person who can't prolong the desires of my heart when the person does not yearn for me anymore. I would love to suffer only if I know that it is part of the process of the never-ending connection."

I am selfish for the person who is also selfish. Love which I believe is superior to everyone else in the world. It is an emotion which is the evidence of human craving.

It is the depth of loving that allows us to encounter certain factors, BUT, heading to that direction---often undistinguished. Love does not only entail pain but suffering on the other side. Having emotions recognizes the constant sacrifice we undergo.

We gain from it. I believe that love is often selfish. The powerful love we have for a person digs up the wants to get a hold of his everything. We succumb to selfishness - the person is only exclusive for us. We allot our whole trust and, we also give the person the power to fail us or hurt us in the end.

Proper reciprocation is needed.

Okay then. When we give in to the dictates of assigning our wholeness to the person, we give. That is not a selfish act, right?

Did I also say that love is selfish? Oh, love can be selfish.

Please tell me what you think.

Off the topic:
Funny when someone told me before that I stutter when I am infront of someone enchanting on my eyes. The vision starts to be tasteless when I become nervous. Not anymore now. Trust me.

Just nothing...

Today @ Starbucks with my sister Xtel and Averee

marriage

Know all about About your reputation And how it's bound to be a heartbreak situation But I can't help it if I'm helpless Every time that I'm where you are You walk in and my strength walks out the door...baby you're the right kind of wrong... (RIGHT KIND OF WRONG Leann Rimes)

I made the drawing using Corel. That's me!

I was asked about my stand on same-sex marriage. By applying all the means of trying to be a sophisticated person careful passing on an answer, honestly, I don't agree with same-sex marriage.

I need not to involve myself to some educational efforts to support my stand.

2 reasons:
1. Straight marriage will be less meaningful when same-sex marriage takes a course on the equator.
2. Children must see role models who are not made up or imagined but do exist through their parents at home.

I would love to think that I can handle everything except the need to take care of somebody else in the future.

KRISTANNA LOKEN COMES OUT "The relationships I have had with certain women have been much more fulfilling, sexually and emotionally, than of those with certain men," Kristanna tells Curve. "I connect with an aura, with energy. And if the person with whom I connect happens to be a female, that's just the way it is. That's what makes my wheels turn."

Until now I do not know the real constitution of a certain label (bisexual/lesbian/gay). If we are to abrogate such behavior away from the norms of the society, coherence is what we seek and thus, it has to do with trust but not complete confidence. The rules of love were united not until when codified.

Is that the reason behind the breakup of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt? Ms. Aniston fell for another woman but her fear suggests her to deny it to the public that praises her.

I still go for Angelina Jolie (awww) and Kristanna Loken of course.

I am currently in love with Tracy Chapman's Change. Click here to see the lyrics.

february 14

What is special about this day? When I go out, I will see couples everywhere and their constant distribution of flowers and chocolates.

What I remember every 14th of February:
1. first (might be the last... Only a joke!) dinner date with a guy when I was 13 years old
2. my sense of sight on daisies
3. my need to use psychological compensation

I'd love to listen on an mp3 player for others to perceive directly, "Leave me alone."

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
Share your love to everyone!

my actions tell me what i want in life

The week asked a lot of hard work from me. For JOURNALISM subject, we have to conduct an interview. A short notice (like 2 days?) put in difficulty to the interviewee of our choice.

I got the idea of interviewing Carlo Lorenzo from my friend Denise. He is a reporter from Niccolo Cosme who is a freelance photographer is a cousin of my friend BJ. BJ connected me with Niccolo's contact number and informed him about my request right away. He agreed. Like, wow. Niccolo's photos are all stunning and in style. Add the admired celebrities who appear on some of his photos so to speak. Need I say more?

I arranged a meeting with Niccolo which we had last Friday at Seattle's Best in Greenbelt. Together with Chinky, we did the interview. Chinky was the one who held the camera to capture a video of the whole interview. Niccolo was a warm person and attractive the first time we met him. I am totally fulfilled to have known a person like him who has the eye for photography (noting an answer from him).

My other groupmates, Keri and Yohann reached Makati a few minutes after Niccolo's interview. We wandered the mall and ate dinner together. Upon going home, we tried to bring the day to its end by taking shots of ourselves in Greenbelt.

Tomorrow, we will be presenting in class a movie clip featuring Niccolo Cosme. I allotted my whole dedication building that movie clip. Yesterday, my groupmates came over to help me out on the interview part of the clip since I finished the short introduction wherein Niccolo's photographs will be flashed. I so love my groupmates who inspired me so much with motivation and how they helped me composing and putting together everything on that movie clip.

This morning, I went to Starbucks with Av. I brought my laptop with me to start writing for my ENG subject and for other things. Nothing can beat a coffee shop’s ambience. When I am there, I feel my existence. I make believe to be away from city life. I sometimes hate noise which deprives me from constant concentration when I write and think. I love to talk and be heard easily without so much effort. My computer makes me complete ever since.

Courage

Today, I took a photo of my friend's crush (with all his knowledge). Most of you might think that I must have engaged myself in humiliation. But I didn't feel that. Not even a bit.

A friend of mine told me before that when you feel the sudden rush that makes you want to do something you fear, go for it. Your purpose comes together with your actions in motion. All I wanted was to see my friend happy for her to never forget about me. So what's wrong taking a picture of her dream boy?

Brainless? Stupid? Dense? No way. I love foolish things. They pour out reason and let you move forward to keep things in your memory which you will never forget in your entire life. They are cherished no matter what. They continue to live even if you choose to regret them most of the time.

As long as you don't cause a wound to(offend) anyone, you are sincere to your own self and the world is constantly faithful to you.

I am a big fan of beauty whether it may be something physical or the inner part. I'm grateful that God made each person something he must show the world to inspire others on each day of their lives. When I'm physically attracted to someone, I let the person know. If someone is gifted, I pay praise. And I have a thing about a nice person.

Self-satisfied and proud people are dust on my eyes. They go far only on their eyes as they fail to see the world that starts to send them away.

It is a risky thing to do and I needed to swipe it away today. I'm contented on the top of my lungs. I get the better of "I do this because it's the right thing to do" attitude and made a promise to look for own character.

Currently, I'm an unresponsive ass to someone. I don't free myself from being connected once again. New people can want me to live through their shadows. By really knowing who I am can never be an adequate amount. I showed interest and fondness to one person but (to you----you know who you are), don't ever think to revive what I've started to before.

The Wowowee Ticket

I didn't want to discharge my ears from the news when I was informed about the stampede that happened at the PhilSports Arena. Wowowee had the objective of making many Filipinos happy even for just a single day. My eyes took a larger view on my countrymen. Death is not the thing they should encounter that particular day, but I guess, only the hands of cash prize. They may either win and jump with high spirits or lose and go back to the normal routine of life which is to not have money for food.

Equal opportunity doesn't exist in this society.

The arrival of my thoughts doesn't dwell on the evident carelessness of ABS-CBN. Recover from blaming ABS-CBN. At least, they had the intention of transforming some lives of unfortunate people, only that they failed. The people who died held the key to arrange our inner selves.

I heard from my sister that she was told by her friend (who works in a credit card company) that Richard Gutierrez most likely spends P20,000 per day out of his credit card. For Wowowee people, before winning P20,000, they had to feel first the high temperature of the sun, suffocate a bit and the worst thing, unanticipated death for them.

ABS-CBN's Wowowee started the best way to help but failed. The network will learn and that's certain. But for us, when? When can our financial system pull through? Shame to the hands that manipulate the nation. We haven't started at all.

OFF THE TOPIC:

Nothing in this life at this present time can go better than the feeling of being appreciated. When someone has confidence in the things I'm going to say when he shares me his problems, the fact that trust has been launched earlier, intensity styled on each word I am to give is unbound to progress.

You know who you guys are. I will always keep and learn from the stories of your lives. Thank you so much...

The process comes back to me like a twosome matter. I carefully listen and make the biggest effort to become the best person to be asked. Gaining the knowledge of uncommon situations, I also see how a lone emotion would rise above. And that thing nonetheless is love.

The moment we usually feel that we exist in this world is whenever we give ourselves to others. May it be even for the smallest thing yet a mighty one for some future adjustments on how we are to live in the next few days and an unexpected change in the world we live.

Unexpected? I am a fan of it. It's a stimulant for me. Regular days do exist so I always give out my best to uncover a grand revelation out of them. But I don't want to pressure up my life. A smile isn't used to seal a miserable soul. Attach a symbol to the real meaning of it. So when I'm sad, I don't want discussions. Silence, I don't talk. When I'm happy, I speak, smile and feel deep inside my heart the spirit of happiness that dumps stress and pessimism.

I can't wait to give simple gifts to my close friends on February 14. Money for my food and things isn't mine; they are my parents'. Love is the thing which is really mine and to share it will instill nourishment in my life.

The Next Pop Superstar

My sister has started to make the approach and let the structure of her dreams come true. As her sister, my support for her cannot and would never be absent. Morning of this day, I went with her for the Pinoy Pop Superstar registration in GMA 7. Thus, today I believe, can be the beginning of vast changes in her life for a person like her with an extraordinary talent in singing.

When we arrived there, numerous people were in the line looking forward for their luck to be accepted for the search. The scorching heat of the sun started to burn our skins. Lucky, we brought umbrellas with us.

There was this good-looking man who came near us and asked about the line arrangement. My sister recalled that the guy became her classmate in DLSU. They started to engage themselves in a conversation.

I told my sister that I couldn't pay no attention on the guy's face. My sister gave me a word of warning. I should see the fine-looking boyfriend of the guy.

Silence. I should back off.

Gates were opened for us at 11something. The staff said that only participants for the audition could come into the room. I had to act as if I'll be signing up so that I wouldn't be left outside and try to enjoy the misfortune presence of the heat of the sun.

Was I tensed? The audition can never be for me.

(Application on my hand)
Why are you joining Pinoy Pop Superstar?
(something like...) to make my dream of becoming a star come true…
Wtf, I never thought of becoming a star.

Song for the audition:
Firewoman by Hungry Young Poets
Did I say a song from Barbie Almalbis' former band?! I sing and can carry a tune BUT I am not the person like my sister who has all the potentials of becoming a diva.

The staff gave us a quick orientation and said that the audition is scheduled tomorrow. Without unwillingness, I crumpled the application right away. Oh yes, I won't be forced for the audition. My sister will be the only one who will go back tomorrow for it.

I know that she will make it.

Renz asked me via sms if I can meet them up at Starbucks (Taft). I arrived there first and had to kill time for their delayed arrival. I'm sorry, but I'm the person that has weakness when it comes to waiting. I told them that I can't really wait. I headed to the place they told me to go for me to see them.

With (the best pare ever) Mitchie

Mitchie, Meeee, Trina

Rendi Boy and Tom

Drinking session happened at our building (condominium)'s rooftop. We romanticized at the striking view upon our arrival and then formed a circle to drink.

With Renz, Tom, Mitchie and Trina around me, my problem of world-melancholy didn't reach my destination.

don't watch me die

(Photo taken last December before my sister's show. I want to see her sing and perform again... That may let me feel happy just like that...)

I didn't have a good sleep last night. I woke up at around 4 in the morning and texted some people on my phonebook. I knew the tough chance of getting a reply. I got nothing to do. I wished to take it easy. Every thought must turn to its rest.

I remember a weird realization of mine before. The things we want will take a hard time for us to get them while the things we need (for nourishing our souls) are there no matter how cruel they may be. I wanted sleep last night and my yearning ended up aggravating my troubled mind. It wasn't easy. Shit things are not what I want. Why are they here? If they will partake in my growth, that serves as a relief. Maybe I really need them. I start hoping.

On my way home, I took a jeepney ride. A young girl with a dirty body entered the jeep creeping. She had a rug on her hand and started to clean each passenger's pair of shoes. What a pity. One day, I told my mom how I
m so affected with a prostitute's way of living. I consider some of them clean, I tell you. This day made me head on to another mark. Unfortunate kids may need me. A month ago, I asked Kythe (an organization for cancer patient kids) how can I volunteer. They scheduled me a one-day volunteer work with the kids last January but I failed to attend due to scheduled exams in school. I contacted Aklatang Pambata a week ago and this Saturday will be my first volunteer work. I don't want a total change yet. Change alone can work at this point.

Today in school, we had to present a short play in LIT. The class was divided into two groups. Our group was the first to present. I got the role of a 3-year-old girl. Too bad, I had to act. Argh, I wouldn't know how I looked like. Was I that shit? Anyway, I want to be like the little girl, so young, undeveloped and still on her way to choose the person she will be in the future.

"TO THE END" My Chemical Romance If you marry me, Would you bury me? Would you carry me to the end?(So say goodbye) to the vows you take(And say goodbye) to the life you make(And say goodbye) to the heart you breakAnd all the cyanide you drank.

Dear you,

I am more confused than before. Nothing else matters whenever the two of us are together. Each day, two options are available to me; to settle down all by myself or with only the two of us. As I disclose every emotion to you, I am fully aware that I am in safe hands.

Right now, my chest is so heavy. I caught unkind words. They are that harmful that they ate up my system. Why not believe that I have changed a lot? Not a soul could ever enter my life, I know that. That makes the reason why I’m always afraid that I may be missing someone out there. My defenses are all set, so prepared to wipe away my attraction to anyone. So why bother at all?

I know, you don't intend to make me miserable but I undergo disorder and I'm so affected with the things uncertainty gives me indirectly. Should I give you up? No one else could love me the way you do. Am I someone who doesn’t know how to love anymore? Or have I lost you as the object of my affection?

I was never free...

TO THE FRIEND I LOST

I am waiting for a certain moment sometime this month of February and I'll have my tongue piercing back for it. From my previous journal entries on my former blog, I've realized that I appear to be someone who has nothing to keep. I've been very open regarding my sentiments. I don't make available to public my personal life; only a part of it. These things are not my totality, please try to remember.

I learned by heart how to recollect all the things we shared from the first time we met. And that moment so to speak, made me believe that our friendship is never-ending. This longing presses on questions needed to be answered. I lack a solemn way to understand and a trouble-free way to let this emotion go. I miss someone. Undemanding, I would love to be with him. I know there is no more time available for my wish. I do not see him anymore.

I will never fall for a friend and that promise of mine has never been broken. For me, it will be unethical if I will let my defenses be fond of eyeing on a friend. How come he never told me? The purpose of him was there right at the very beginning. How come? Should I point a finger to my insensitiveness?

One night he confessed. I told him I don't believe in courtship and how I see it as "pakitang-tao". I explained that he is a friend; nothing more. Days drew closer to me as school work in height. The air sustained each conversation we had before as our breaths pronounced to each other the things we had on our minds. Now, to reminisce is the only thing I can get from everything. I used to be the person he would love to be with for companionship's sake.

I lost a friend. For him, did he also lose a friend or only a scheming thought potential love?

Bad.

I will never fall in love with a friend - never. Why can't we be friends still after all?

Several days and weightless feelings were rapid. I know someone out there is ready to catch me but there's this feeling inside me that will prefer to live on my own just for a brief time. Not being selfish. Give me my own time for my own self please.