dot

I’m lacking spirituality these days. I don’t want to choose which one is stronger. My exterior illustrates things about me, but it’s not likely you’ll know who I am, unless you begin digging dipper. What about those things dwelling in my heart for decades? Should I just cover them with anger all the time?

“Distant Fingers” – Patti Smith
When, when will you be landing?
When, when will you return?
Feel, feel my heart expanding
You and your alien arms

Deep in the forest I whirl like I did as a little girl
Let my eyes rise in the sky looking for you
Oh you know, I would go anywhere at all
'Cause no star is too far with you, with you

It’s good being a mad person all the time, however, still able to discover people who could win my attention. I’m not friendly, one reason to be amazed when at one point, my doors would open; let somebody else get hold of the softest part of me. I remember these people all the time. One’s pain brings tears to my eyes. I can try not to heal one’s pain so I’m not alone dealing with pain. But I can’t. I just can’t.

Try Patti Smith's (70's) music. Very poetic rock 'n' roll, man.

Oohhh Vienna Teng!!!

How long can I go on with common cold, cough and fever? Rarrrrr. My body is still being attacked by some forces that make me pale and weak. I press myself though to go to the university with my wish to sustain this energy left. Strangely, this is my struggle! Ha ha ha!

The first sway of wonder and appreciation hits my mind listening to some female singers nowadays. I have a secret audience in my mind that is pleased each time songs from Vienna Teng, Tori Amos, Ani DiFranco, Joan Armatrading, Sheryl Crow and Sarah McLachlan would be heard. Over the years, Michelle Branch’s songs are buried as valuable treasures in my chest.

Very appropriate for the moment are Vienna Teng’s songs. The heart and mind dominance conquers my deepest desires. Her songs are full of meaning and interesting to the point that they tempt my being and wipes away the melodramas of my life. Deep thoughts slide next to me; satisfaction appears exclusive, but in reality, it’s challenging to arrive at that state.

Vienna Teng - Eric's Song (my favorite!)


"strange how you know inside me
I measure the time and I stand amazed
strange how I know inside you
my hand is outstretched toward the damp of the haze"

Vienna Teng - Enough To Go By


"would it be enough to go by
if there's moonlight pulling the tide
would it be enough to live on
if my love could keep you alive...
so carry the weight
carry the weight of me in your heart
carry the weight
carry the weight of me..."

Vienna Teng - Between


"freedom is being alone
I fear liberation but something more alive than silence
swallows conversation
no pleasing drama in subtle averted eyes
the swelling fermata as the chord dies... "

Vienna Teng - Harbor

"sail your sea
meet your storm
all I want is to be your harbor
the light in me
will guide you home
all I want is to be your harbor..."

Joan Armatrading - The Weakness In Me

"Why do you call me when you know I can't answer the phone
Make me lie when I don't want to
And make someone else some kind of unknowing fool
You make me stay when I should not
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me
Why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by
But I mean to see you
And I mean to hold you, tightly.."

Tots, this one's for you...

If things were less complicated, I’d love you the way you’ll never forget as I’ve promised. But I have yet to question the world. I believe we can have our own time, our own season, when the world can no longer question how can we be happy when we disobey its own rules. One day, they'll understand us. That we exsit. That we're for real. That we can love selflessly. That. We. Are. Normal. My love seems to be overflowing that I’m willing to give it in any way. I had never felt what I felt for you. I can’t take it if I lose you; now that your presence rests in my heart. I never fought before. I’ll tell you when I’m ready. I’d take that chance for us.

I want to enter the ring of fire and find myself coming out dancing.

Punyetang buhay minsan. Okay lang naman masaktan, huwag lang sana "ganon". "Sana" ang sinabi ko. Mundo, sana tao ka na lang. Tapos mag-uusap tayo. Ang dami kong gustong itanong!!

Superman Returns

It’s no secret anymore that Batman is my first love when it comes to action figures. I never really enjoyed playing with dolls even when I was still a child. All my friends could tell how I can nearly go frantic about him that very often, I’d get Batman stuff as a present. In spite of being a Batman fanatic, I wanted to develop a sense of entitlement to watch Superman Returns. Starring Brandon Routh as Clark Kent and Kate Bosworth who’s listed on my top 3 Hollywood actresses as Lois Lane, it can absolutely be very overwhelming to elicit lovely fantasies in my mind while watching! My curiosity was grasped for a couple of times that I decided going to a movie house with someone quickly today.

Some stuffs in my room..

Superman doesn’t belong to humanity yet desires to work alone saving the world. The Man of Steel is the savior of men that his charisma gushes forth like temperate oil. His bodily muscles manufacture him as someone physically attractive, and the pride in him challenges the evil, lures injustice to surrender. On one hand, he’s like a persona of an alien not well connected to people. Still, he has the ability to instantly acquire trust from them the moment he flies and rescue those who are in need of his help. I can tell you, he’s passionate to the core. The part of the movie which includes romance in his saga made my mood a bit cheerless.

His mysterious disappearance for five years confused the city of Metropolis and served up the unkindness of love to Lois Lane, a journalist for the Daily Planet. It’s true that distance can fracture some relationships. For this case, Superman didn’t even say his goodbye to the love of his life and just left. His silence made Lois disappointed, without any knowledge if Superman belongs to her or will never belong to her again. The genuine hope flew by some means, and the moment Superman came back, she’s engaged and has a son already.

I don’t think Superman is selfish. We can never know how heavy his heart was the time he had to go away from the Metropolis. It might have been filled with guilt, bitterness and loneliness. Who knows? The man is no more a hero? Don’t think that way. Sometimes, people should go when they can no longer supply your needs. They may try as much as they could but to the point that will no longer gratify what you really require for. People do change when things around them modify resulting in consequences they can’t agree to anymore.

Ah… distressing. Goodbye is unspoken yet a highly aching subject. A lot of people would agree to the notion of some people leaving without even saying goodbye. And when the person comes back, expects that nothing has changed. How pathetic, right? Very unfair to the side of Lois who waited and tried so hard to move on and go on with her life without her Superman. Life is just like that.

Somewhere deep in my conviction lies the truth that Superman is a real hero. I can't be like him who's ready to sacrifice my personal happiness for everybody else's. He can never have Lois. His power keeps him in a condition which is to protect human kind all the time. So what do you say?

pawning off negative behavior

It’s a bit confusing how people appeal to me. I’m ultimately focused on their reactions that could sometimes not pass my standards yet I pay respect and eventually learn from them. We don’t have classes today. It’s raining hard. Here comes the struggle of my conscious mind.

I went straight home yesterday and didn’t have time to hangout with some friends. Yes, I’m falling under the grip of this fuckin’ life but I can’t give up. I’m still happy. Someone IS making me so damn happy without the need to order me masquerade myself into someone I’m not.

I was delivered from the sweetness of rebellious teenagehood. It's over. I dread about starting a fight or entering one. It became very upsetting to hear from the person (mentioned earlier) who has a very charming and charismatic personality, that she was terrorized with some offensive words. To the idiot: Back off!!! I won’t bitch about you heartless people. All I can say is, F you!

One day, I asked myself why the Big Boss did choose this terrain of life for me that often lead to complexity. Does my spirit speak for itself? I don’t enjoy lying. Being honest is a sensible act to sway rational people though I’d get hold of wrath each time heartbreaking words are thrown to me. I wonder how many people have reached my destination without even realizing it. Where does my question begin and end?

A lot who've been categorizing my radical ideas as pointless ones plagues me today. I’ll do what it takes to see myself happy and my beliefs can’t be yet reputed. Are these people born that way or society molds them? Cruel. Very cruel. My emotions have erupted and bang. At present, I do feel absent from the home of my heart which is my family. Forgive me. I do love you nevertheless.

I’ve found trust in my friends. I value you guys. I understand how some couldn’t help me sometimes when their lives get in the way, but frequently, they do listen. They accept me and aware that I’m very much annoyed to people who care about me only to use me for their own needs in the end. How many more should I meet who have no ability to show love, care, consideration and compassion?

a high level of fantasy

I am hanging on and waiting to be well soon. Common cold plus slight fever, how bad, right? I don’t take any medicine, though I drink salabat, plenty of water and eat some fruits. I’m very much familiar with the need for time. Want to get well now!!! Argh.

I’ve been thinking about some personal beliefs. I’m learning from life. Meaning, I’m discovering from “the best”. How many times have I said that I’d like to give up? No, not anymore. It’s wonderful to get the message out of personal principles that have transpired the moment shared with people. Whatever possible alarm or whatever emotional baggage, the fire is burning once again! I’m strong enough this time… I should be.

Now playing...

"Silent All These Years" by Tori Amos
I said sometimes I hear my voice And it's been here silent all these... Years go by Will I still be waiting For somebody else to understand Years go by If I'm stripped of my beauty And the orange clouds Raining in head Years go by Will I choke on my tears Till finally there is nothing left One more casualty You know we're too easy easy

Considering all possibilities, one day, I dream flying to L.A. or New Orleans. Basically because of the need to expand the sphere of my life. Someone’s going to be with me anyway. Wooohoo. Some friends also, if they’ll push through with it. My present will one day become my past. This present? You mean, “this one”? I’m so mad whenever some people of this country habitually judge, to the point that I feel so deeply flawed. A lot of personal issues to unravel. I’d rather not only deal with them on my own but at the same time, extract some more from what I’ve understood. And hopefully, uncover truth. God, do assemble everything for me and bring in this future dream to my life. Grant my wish and let it be my present someday! 10 years? 20 years? I can wait. "We" can wait. I wish! I wish!

let me fly

Dad left Pinas :(

Since the time I learned bout my dad’s international work, I knew that the value of a father couldn’t be replaced by anything. Dad had worked in different places outside Pinas. Those were the days I could’ve said about dreams, failures and jokes personally with someone very special who’d never make me feel stupid or embarrassed.

Distance has the capacity to fill the void in my heart for completeness each time I feel my love for my father inside my heart, encouraging me to live and be thankful. When we headed to the airport yesterday afternoon for Daddy, I thought years I cried without him have solidified tears I could shed. Hey no. Physical changes may have eventually appeared in my life but not emotional changes. I saw myself with the “cry baby” who’ll be waiting with her mom and sis for Daddy to come home by next year.

Constant sacrifice. I’m a fan of my father when it comes to patience and strength, you know.

Jeni celebrated her 18th birthday last night.

I was very happy seeing my barkada and some members of 4L Pets way back senior year. Aieen, Kris, Loren… where are you guys?! We tried replaying all events of the past. They’re so damn real hard to digest. Ha ha ha. Life goes on. Some of us may have involved ourselves in sensitive situations we can’t cancel out anymore but we'll always be there for each other. I wish I could protect my friends from the interests of others who would want to give it a try hurting them. Quality is extremely irreplaceable and I will never go for quantity.

I’ve heard enough of the latest scoops in our batch. We ended the night throwing jokes. I avoided the appeal of all the highs and drunkenness. I made a promise to myself, do not come into the gates of reckless living again. Friends teased me, “May thing kayo niyan before diba?” My senses used to be perfect every time I’d see someone attractive and I couldn’t help to feel completely dismantled. Fuck, I’m not coward to speak for myself anymore and sing, “O tukso, layuan mo ako…” Ha ha ha. Enough is enough. I can’t be a slave to blind attraction. And besides, I’m very much contented with my life right now. I guess I’ve surrendered to the real sense of security.

God, allow me to become faithful with what you’ve given me. You know me. I’m very honest and open with you that I’m often lost on my own. You accept me nonetheless. I’m so tired running from the unidentified, explanations and cruel judgments. Someday, I’ll be the person I want to be, right? Right? Be with me. Stay with me. Accept me. Forgive me. Love me. Let me feel the kind of serenity I’ve never felt in my life before. Please.

temporary drama

Angst-ridden fear hypnotized me last night. My thinking was paralyzed and as I read some articles, I suffered deficiency to comprehend. But then again, I had to continue and maintain patience.

I can’t stand self-centered ego driven people. For the past few days, I’ve been so fucked up thinking about my friendship with someone. I wonder how the hell a person can dig up a wrong impression about me without even confronting straightforwardly. It severely lacks frankness and shit, human actions can’t be trusted all the time by just reading them. Tell me, and then I answer. Is it that hard?

Not long ago, I recovered my closeness with an old friend whom I consider very special. It’s very liberating each time I am with her and right after school, I’d usually move to their place and speak about many things. They’re all “real women” in the sense that they’re aware of the difference between “want and need”. The genuine oneness of being familiar with who I am and who they are is supreme. They’re women who don’t lay bets just to obtain narcissistic acknowledgement from others. And thus, do understand me if there’s something I cannot practice yet at the moment. I do understand them also.

Months ago, I tried speaking about my feelings to someone; describing through my actions. I received a no pity reply. I should try to act passive sometimes. I had to grind my doomed motive quickly. Truth from a person can keep my mouth shut. Charisma is truly appealing that I question why others often use it to mislead and hurt an open wound more. Look, recently, I’ve received a “persuasive” message from the same person. I contemplated for a while and didn’t reply. What can be wrong, sometimes they’re “like this” and sometimes, they’re not. The person isn't around the campus anymore. No big deal, honestly.

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh... It’s not rejection as I see it. A person can be substandard for someone and yet somebody else is capable of loving him more than he could ever imagine. Personal standards. You get me?

Pain is ever frightening. In spite of these challenges, I need to recharge. I can’t welcome broken promises, a broken heart, and deserted feelings yet. In short, I’m not a willing lover as of now. I lost courage and not ready “looking for love in all the wrong places". Ha ha ha. And if there’s even a right place for it, how do I know that it’s for me? Jaded. I have been very much captured by the mythical scene for years and the reality of most people is something else from my very own perspective.

hitting life with a bang

My strong want to play for people was granted last night at Club Halo Makati. I couldn’t be any happier. It has been almost 7 years after I first decided making a choice to learn drum playing. It’s not everyday that I can let somebody else see me play the drums. I gave my very best.

Four bands came last night. My band played 6 songs; 3 covers and 3 original compositions. Take this from me, how much I appealed requiring some muscles in support of strength each time I’d roll and revolve my drumsticks around. Breathing in an opaque fog of desire to be a man maybe? Ha ha ha! Just kidding. Generally speaking, we got good feedbacks.

Two video clips from our performance last night:
(1) Part 1 of "Anino"
(2) Part 2 of "Anino"

After the gig, around 12 midnight, I went out with my friend and headed to Starbucks near her place immediately. My thoughts proceeded to sink into a sane conversation with a person. Ahhhh… Many thoughts I’ve been carrying for days. It’s safe to unleash a heavy vaporous distress in the presence of someone you trust most.

I won’t say there’s this lack of power to stand on the ground and get a hold of several things my heart longs for sincerely. Dispatching the walls and allowing them envelop my frustration at a certain place can be a personal disaster in the future. One inspiration can turn out to be a monomania but for now, logic should colonize the head of my system and stay on the parallel level.

Disasters presumably start even on smallest things. And with the series of dramatic events that happened around me, how can I not sway trauma and release it? For whatever reason, dreaming is a solution to restore and put back into labor my evident misery. I dreamed of someone last night, probably a reflection of discouraged revelation. And on the edge of my sleep, I woke up and said silently, “Forget it.” I ponder on why my sturdy attempts to not recall can’t be possible. Yet, life seems so much like remembering all the time and in my case, uncovering the motive in my heart most of the time.

the catch of my dilemma

School started last week and it feels good to be inside a classroom, smashing the boundaries of learning. Over the course of time, bearing in mind my first year in college, I’m very much aware that nothing can bother me especially by confusion involving myself with a question if I am going to pursue the course I’m taking up.

People will usually subject it to thorough analysis. If I say Journalism, what comes into your mind? Interestingly enough, I think I’m capable of detecting the words that are on your mind.

Listen, I am attached to human race and what nature has to say to all of us. I always try to remember and refuse to forget as much as I could. All the way back to my days as a toddler, heading on to my teenage years, it will be a pleasure grasping all negative behavior of mine and the variety of fragments which modified me into a person I would love to.

I have numerous unspoken plans regarding my lifestyle after graduating and my anticipation of governing myself on my own; without my parents. I’ve found it ideal to make use of words, crafting a cosmos that I can call mine. Be in love with words and new life with intimate adventures are both part of the distance I would love people to reach. Determine the language of mind and heart. I have a high regard for people who do what they love. I go after the principle of my sister who’s a college graduate and would like to do whatever it takes to become a famous performing artist someday. Money isn’t the best thing that carries a path full of light. When one is conscious about direction and would love every minute traversing it, he’ll definitely reach the end very pleased; beyond what he presumed at the very beginning. I'll give it a go.

I don’t like the month of June!!! “Rain, rain, go away...”

One night, I told a friend how dim the skies above together with the stream of depression upon me. Whenever I try showing extreme disapproval of rain pouring down, my thoughts couldn’t accomplish take no notice of melancholy building imagination, uniting the dots of my memories when I was a child. It will always appear to be an insuperable struggle and desolation would win through over a day. Thank God, my friend reminded me that there will always be a rainbow after the rain. Smile… I could.

Photo taken last month with Lini and Mae ( I miss you gals!!! )

If I could materialize prejudice, I guess, I can develop a parade out of it. Ha ha ha. Don’t get me wrong. I learned that we are all objects of pain; only the intensity of it may differ from one person to the other. Yes, an equal opportunity on how to let it down, defeat it or get away from its unsympathetic hands. What can be bearable to you can be unbearable to me.

I don’t want to dangerously place my hope on a formless resolution of other people enlightening me to transform me into the person I am not. I’m tired explaining and I am more willing to declare things I do believe can never be stolen or damaged and these are the physically powerful puzzle pieces as a person. I travel afloat not covering up my interior. I often don’t feel comfortable discussing so many things in person, but hey, try to take a glance at my eyes and they would reveal stories for your enjoyment! :)

maintaining equilibrium

I am in my skin and one truth that I deal with my character is always there. I’m conscious of excitement which has moved elsewhere. It was never predictable but very abstract. I couldn’t seem to establish decisions. Is it wrong to desire so much for something that cannot be found in possessions, recognition and even money?

There’s a little escape I can do to end this up. Abstain myself and get ready for dark grey rain clouds cover up my world. When colors depart, I feel worthless. How can I imagine letting go of one thing very real that penetrates my soul?

For other people, it will be a strange act tolerating one heck rigorous course. I honestly think there’s no need to run away. I would like to stay as much as I could. Very often, I’m misunderstood. Man, you could’ve been me. You. Could. Have. Been. Me. Thumbs down to anyone who’d assign any label to me. I remain uninfluenced by the opinions and conclusions of the crowd declaring who I am, may it be politically or socially.

Experimenting is sweet in sound for others. It’s not for me though. Everything’s one shot and once you give in, you can closely see yourself ending up in your own grave. Reality doesn’t wait for anyone tomorrow. Fuck putting into action the more appropriate ones. For the past years I’ve sensed a foreign gift and the loss of courage expired innocent love I can offer.

It was me all the time. I worried about having no one drawing closer that I tended to search and go for them rapidly. Once in my life, magic commanded me to love yet the ever present pain directed me to pay attention why I can’t have everything and that I should never stop trying and believing of the perfect idea that it will all account to something great in the end.

To you: How good flesh and blood present at all times of precious memories. Hell why? Dear, you are so far. Can the world offer the same force at two different places? It’s not the worst that could ever happen as I observe couples around me. I’m very much in love with people loving each other. Now I can tell, I'm in love. Ha ha ha. Distance generates my future of being with you sitting quietly and safely. Dreaming permits me to expect and look forward to all possibilities. Tell me, when do I need to wake up? I might be forgetting it all the while. It doesn’t annoy me much determining the degree of longing to have someone discover my innermost feelings and never fail to send it through actions. I'd love it to be you. For now, it’s not wrong to slake desire and give my heart a break, right? Let me sing these lines to you, "And my love for you is still unknown. Till now I always got by on my own. I never really cared until I met you. And now it chills me to the bone. How do I get you alone?"

i'm just like a race car making it to the extremes

Photo taken @ Glorietta 4

Darkness flickers that I am lost decoding some voices I couldn’t understand. I can never be notable acquiring an instant success just because I’ve sensed truth out of my assumptions. Man, I don’t do such thing. I never assume for the best guess can lead me to a much more nameless crushed world. Get lost more, huh? No way.

Days have appeared interesting to me. I had to rebuild my thirsty hair and get a treatment for it. Going out with my mom has been a habit. I accompanied her to some places without hesitation that I got a bonus! She bought new items for me. To a much more motivating instance, I spent more than saving money in the past. I’ve just got a new bank account and more or less, I’ll be the one who’ll go on deposit some money from my allowance.

My body suffered soreness last night and the moment I arrived home, I positioned myself in bed right away. I should call it extravagant exhaustion. It stopped the flow of energy; I recharged my being another time. How the hell did I think of so many ways to cease a downpour of difficulties? Dramatic events ensnared me for several days that I was entirely disturbed finding myself crying all expressions of grief. Fuck it. I “was” emotionally and physically tired.

That point isn’t something preferred though I believe I constantly draw them closer and so often I feel cursed. I had felt such feeling not only once, or even twice but so many times. I’m not almost hopeless having the fact that there are still people around valuable for me to keep. Thank you!

I may have focused and multiplied misery. Sorry, the show must be over. I need to. Forget the drama queen. It isn’t good to live in an incomprehensible losing world. I sundered from it. It exists to losers and hey, we are all winners right at the very beginning. A form of entanglement can seize the worth out of hardships so never drown yourself and die. A combat mission is truly exciting and full of meaning.

Evaluating the measure to radically begin a new connection is not my thing anymore. My friend gave me a notice last night, “Don’t rush, please. I’m worried.” Each conversation I carry with a friend can be very argumentative. What’s certain is that I can feel lost once again. I’ll make sure this time to catch the right signals and not only that, go discover for more without fear. Just never stop putting out of my mind that I can subdue damaging occurrences no matter how enthralling a brief exciting moment could ever be.

The sun and moon could both rise at the same time. If this is mere fantasy, I don’t care but I believe it to be true. I experience it. My family overwhelms me at this very moment. Hey, dad is home! And as I do orbit with one person far away, I don’t seem to be extremely distanced. I can say each day, "I belong."

playing in the fields

Have you ever felt rage spinning slowly that you toil intently for it to stop? By no means would it let you breathe and gulp whatever air is present around you. I perfectly believe that sometimes, we can’t control everything. If you must let violent anger come out and explode, then you definitely should free them.

From time to time I ask myself if I just don’t know how to interpret one’s certain way of thinking. So often, it would end up unjustly diminishing fondness on our cherished connection. Furthermore, how can one person would manage to become unaffected as he gets pleasure from hurting someone?

I simply do not get it.

my new desktop wallpaper (reminds me of one song Barbie dedicated to our lord)

"PLAYING IN THE FIELDS" by Barbie's Cradle

It's Your might, it's Your crown

You're the one who is praise worthy and not me

My life is in your care, I've no reason to be scared

Coz You are there

And we're playing in the fields

I know, we're flying all day

And I've seen the secret of the light

It's hard to believe but I wish they would see it

The pain appears brutal and very difficult to heal. You attempt making an effort for repair but you simply can’t when you’re powerless. Every fragment lacks harmony with others, given to cause tears that place their own unnerving ache while running down your face. You think about it, that same anguish occupying your totality. May it be your parents directing you to follow (when you’re only beginning to discover your individuality), brothers and sisters gradually stab you in the back (that you turn out very suspicious even of other people who can love you greater than they do; if they do!), acquaintances gossiping about your private life and other shitheads who formulate erroneously another you from your very own genuine character.

Slap my face! The void in one’s heart can never stumble on the gates of perfect happiness by letting temporary things be in control of your performance as a person. Evil is a contagious substance and love alleviates any form of bitterness. It learns to forgive and trust once again no matter how the heart had suffered an entire loss. Beware of the greatest frauds of all time. Some of us may try giving in to falsehood for one reason that we don’t know who we are.

To one person: Go fabricate your outward appearance others may fantasize about, but poor you, someone up there can see you and would love a pure heart more than anything. I suppose, His true followers will do the same thing.

something random

To my two friends (yes, you!):

Can it be found somewhere? Not here. Not now, when the crescent moon would appear to offset logic. My yard definitely needs "the fire". Oh, I'm a bad girl right now. Hahaha. Shit, you make me miss it. Darn.

Like,
rarr.

Let me watch the stars in an empty embrace of desolation.

do you know me?

Ignorance deserted me at birth. From the very moment I was brought in this world, everyday, I’d want to extend my understanding regarding life. I am what I think and my beliefs reflect bravery on how to proclaim to the world my authentic self. Usually, I repine over my ill-behavior before. I anticipate seeing myself thriving.

Stop trying to become unique. We are already. Unless we come into contact with our inner selves and understand why we live, we can never come out of our shells and establish the essence out of the perception of who we really are.

I tend not to keep some parts of my life private. Feeling humiliated can only cause forever wounds that are terrible as I go on with this journey. God loves me in the first place. I share to Him the joys of my life and if it so happens that people learn from it, it will be an additional fragment that will lift up my drive.

I'll use my freedom to free my own self and liberate honest and open minds of other people. Last year was great, I tell you. God, I love you! The drawing line of success happened and to you guys: display energy with me!

Look, in school, wisdom isn’t taught. The time I asked permission from my mom to allow me continue high school in Manila without them around, I knew that I made the best decision. Find myself. Find myself. Find it! Graduating from an all-girls school when I was in high school, my life started to change hugely. I saw myself almost in the direction of my own grave. I gave in to so much trouble. If I continue surrendering and let my psyche be transfixed by the “wicked state of mind”, I can be a slave; oblige myself to follow the decree of the bad that ensures a towering chance of a wrongly status self. One’s mental power of an academic can never comprehend all pitfalls and restore to health one thing that is about to expire or pass away. We must all gain wisdom in order to have the right judgment, on how to water and harvest from each experience that comes to all of us.

You know what I wished to God last January 1? Make me wiser.

Someone found my YM id and the two of us chatted last night. The person is an acquaintance I met years ago; cherished and sent me gifts which in return I’ve only said my deepest thanks, nothing more. I was reminded of my old self and lack of confidence back then. Everything was out of condition. I wasn’t even concerned with the way I look. My cautious consideration provided me the hint that maybe I can try dressing up nice clothes, allow my hair to grow long; get a cool style and of course, and losing weight started it all.

“If ever I want someone to love me, someone like you is what I search,” wow, I heard that. I answered in return, “There’s only one me in this world but there are so many others greater than this shithead.” I received with appreciation a number of kind adjectives included to every thought presented.

I told the person that I only do what everyone else is doing. “You’re not afraid when you give, at least,” the answer I got. Oh yes, courage. Man, it takes a lot of courage. Why can we not proceed without any interruption and go for what we really want? I am just too selfish if I resist Love. Remember what I always say? We all have limited chances and infinity of love. I use my heart when it comes to loving and order my mind guide it. I let my friends and other people meet the person of my fondness like saying, “Hey, this one is the best person ever and the shafts of sunlight for my existence!” Isn’t that great?

When I offer, a part of me goes with it. I do all the efforts to nourish myself so that I can reassure my other half that I must be loved and treasured when I am ripe (whattta word, huh?) enough. And when I let someone accept what I can give, it’s me. It’s something real.

GOD is LOVE

Loving to a large extent is one great act we must perform in order to create change in our society. I heard mass today and the meaning of the homily appeared holier to me than it should be. Visualize the sorry world where we lay down questions every other time on how we can overcome distance, conquer fear, to cease torment within ourselves and wipe out the disarray of faith to one another.

We are produced by the love of God and thus, we are His followers. We are all fragmented mysteries trying to answer our own point of existence. Without the picture of Love ahead of us, nothing can ever guide us.

For the young one, loving isn’t that complicated. Cheap thrills would satisfy and wipe down every tear on his face. Soon as he starts to grow, he finds his spirit heading on to the verge of reality with consciousness that not everything is right in this world. He tries to use freedom and will start to live separately from others. But oh, he must be loved! Does he realize how much time he spent searching for fame supposing that many can love him out of it? No one wants to stay, how disheartening! It hurts when everyone is leaving and he’s left all alone defining everything for himself.

This is what we all call, Life. Love is the answer.

As we draw ourselves closer and closer to the perimeter of conclusion, our capacity to love is extending. God is love. Love is stronger than a mixture of regret, anger, hatred and jealousy.

I prayed to God this evening. I told him that I’m tired to some extent and sometimes admitting my defeat already BUT I can’t be angry at Hope.

Something weird is happening to me now. I will tell more about it next time. ;)

fun fun fun

Yesterday was amazingly fun and everyone came to celebrate Mae’s 18th birthday except for Angge. Boo. While I was chilling with my friends in Glorietta, I received a text message blended with sadness and guilt from someone after and I told Jeni, “Hey, I want to be their distraction. Accompany me there.”

We found ourselves like on a long crusade the time we headed to Starbucks (Greenbelt). We arrived at the place and I chose a chair. “The fella isn’t like you… I can’t explain it,” I heard that clearly from someone.

Of course, we aren’t the same. We’re two different people. Honestly, not to conduct my own praises, but I was absolutely flattered. One person has been impressed with the things I do constantly regardless of my selfishness and impatience. And my virtue is the reason why another person must be dropped. Depressing but that’s life.

I thought you'll be another's. For a very short correspondence, meeting the "new one", I tried to initiate the talk and interrogation but the person isn’t courteous at all. Must be really dropped, I think.

The same special person to me has been asking me why I set a standard to someone who can exclusively enter in my life. My friends have detected that I lost my interest to meet someone new. I’m uninterested. My pulses are fine. The inner awareness and courage is in me. A person puts something of himself to each moment he creates with someone. Exciting and pleasurable moments could have been specified already. They’re everywhere. Why can’t you make it extraordinary allowing someone you really have a thing for do something to you that would appear like everything? And not giving up to a simple joy without any profound attachment; very unfair each time the other one surrenders his everything, but to you, it’s just something. Well, something monotonous. Then in the end, you both realize how you wasted all your time. To stress here again, I can’t reduce the standard I set.

Gotta see other pix from Lini's cam soon!

Mae is a real heartthrob!

You are the best! I love you!

Party

Ooops. R-18. We're innocent.

Skirt awww!

Fugly look of mine with the undies I gave Mae

Sweeet. Mwah!

At Temple Bar in Makati, I danced with my girl friends all night long. I was greater than a supernatural being! In the dark, how good when your hands would tremble so slowly and can’t afford to get too close to new people. You’ll never say, “I am yours.” You may wish to date all of them but you’re too discreet that you’d hate it if they get to know you more.

My spirit is in the cradle of delight, so fulfilled how a beautiful friendship with my group has been with me all the time despite the distance. Knowing everything about me, they always minimize the ache of my heart for me to never be painfully hurt. Hearts do gather and memories, tears, and laughters are the always present elements that can never take us apart.

to love each day of my life

I sat across a close friend yesterday at Seattle’s Best (Greenbelt), spilled my heart and poured down the rain of thoughts. No such thing prodded me and calmness did act together with my deep silence.

After dinner, we caught some live bands. The music, oh, very wild and magical, combined forces of my realization that I’ve loved and learned the cherished ways of old. Above all, I’ll continue loving the world everyday. It nourishes my heart and makes it bigger.

I’ll be going out later again with friends but before I do, here I am getting the afterglow, basking in the same way I’ve been doing for the past few days. I’m trying to bring back into its life each dull moment; a rebirth indeed.

I don’t need to re-create an established bond very close to me. We’re both fans of reciprocation and even there’s this masochism in me, of why I had fallen at a very low level for so many times, I believe in true love. Once you’ve found genuine love, everything’s there. It’s all worth it. And I love having it for myself and for people who’ve got to possess it.

So to “YOU”, I had made you vulnerable and so deeply lonely. Good to know how you’ve been so intimate with somebody else lately and that one person carries the capacity to love unconditionally. The happiness you feel is exactly the same thing that flows inside my chest.

The photo is the henna I've got last night.

life and sins

Sometimes I realize how things can’t go on, that I no longer need to pay attention, let somebody see my smile and become adapted to a new environment. At a certain point when all my dreams and hopes are equal and uniform, my faith conspires with the will. I cannot run away. Not now.

My willpower soars above a large waterfall where drowning has no place. The flickering light of beauty guards my character and right there, at the core of my heart. What a great picture, isn’t it?

I forgive tears as I treasure another misery. I let go bitterness as I learn the hard way.

Looking through The British Museum website, I found myself at the Ancient India corner to uncover and frame insights- “the fundamental truths of life”, from The Buddha story.

What were the Buddha's fundamental truths of life?
"These truths are: all men who are born eventually have to die, sickness comes to all men, old age comes to all men, and renouncing worldly possessions is the way to attaining peace and salvation. "

Like Prince Siddhartha, as I deal with the remorseful world, I’ll do the attempt shaping myself into someone and not just something before the unhappy world starts to eat me completely.

Does religion play an important role to people? Or to make it simple, isn’t the spirit of respect an innate thing possessed? I wonder. Seven capital vices (or sins) are present yet people manage to sin continually. I must admit, I am one of them sometimes but not very often though.

Missing coed’s body found in Cavite creek The most horrible, most evil act eagerly assumes self-satisfaction at the degree of violating human dignity. I may be a sinner BUT I can’t take it bringing into being others’ sense of worth deterioration out of MY impious conduct.

WOMEN should be loved, please remember that!!!

My Cousin's Wedding

@ San Agustin Church

Joanna and Eugene

@ Diamond Hotel

Yuvienco Family :)

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