to the romantic kid i knew

Sometimes, you do have a strong desire for something and maybe, you wish to grab - full range of it. Every one in sight leaves each time you see the person, alone in his little world while you picture him coming towards you. But he’s no longer the same. You honestly surrender all of your emotions that will lope to the core of his heart but this time, he won’t be aware of it anymore. You observe love in the hopes that he would soon be able to realize what he is losing.

You aren’t the romantic kid anymore…

Maybe you must find yourself, perhaps in yet undiscovered places…

Where you can build your character that he could’ve treasured…

If he only saw what was real…

tears for regrets

'There seems to be a kind of order in the universe…in the movement of the stars and the turning of the Earth and the changing of the seasons. But human life is almost pure chaos. Everyone takes his stance, asserts his own right and feelings, mistaking the motives of others, and his own."

- Katherine Anne PorterIn silence, in some way, fear dominates it all. Everything’s left with the unknown, hands outstretched seeking for companionship. The feeling of losing a part is somehow equal to a defeat from all chances and possibilities that had departed before they’ve given their meaning in one’s life. One person tries to let go, without even knowing what it is he’s letting go.

Then he attributes his blame to fate, when ignorance was the predator in the very first place.

Stop being one stupid fool, Ayie.

I don’t play games anymore. I disappeared from false belief's shadow. Cheers to what's real this time.

JAMES BLUNT'S Goodbye My Lover (Goodbye My Friend)

I am a dreamer but when I wake

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take

And as you move on, remember me

Remember us and all we used to be

i am a dreamer, big time... argh!

I woke up today with my anticipation of seeing Maria Sharapova play for the Australian Open Finals. I watched her game with Serena Williams on Star Sports. Throughout the game, I was frantic about seeing her play with her unusual condition on court.

I already had a feeling that it will not be impossible for Williams to win. I’m a 100% Sharapova devotee (or whatever you may call me) but beforehand, I’ve got to observe the strength of will from the unseeded Williams. And although my Maria, seeded as the World no. 1 (she’ll get the title on Tuesday, woohooo), I knew that she may encounter a tight play today.

My favorite Maria outfit (also from the Australian Open 2007):

The Tag Heuer Formula 1 and Sharapova (as one of her endorsements):

By the way, I saw the Tag Heuer Aquaracer today on the market and they sell it for PHP59, 985 to be exact. Fudgggeeee, I want any of the two. Dream on, Ayie! Boo. :(

She lost. I can attest to what our professor once told us. At some point, somehow, we feel affected by the emotions that constitute the hearts of people we admire or look up to. I also sensed the happiness and sadness Maria told the crowd about what she felt this morning. I enfolded all those emotions by screaming in front of the TV, “Maria, you’re still rich! You’re still pretty!” Truth is, losing comes. Something changes all the time. A part of us is reawakened, and then we start fighting once again. That’s a great part to live through.

This is a world of dreamers and soul makers. Yesterday morning, I discussed some things with someone and decided to write our long-term goals on a piece of paper. We stapled our papers and swapped. She’ll keep mine and I’ll keep hers. We agreed on reading them someday, maybe after college when some of our dreams and goals are already taking place. The catch is, we need to find each other first to help us remember all those things.

something random

:(

We are all the same

Human in all our ways and all our pain

(So let it be)

There's a love that could fall down like rain

(Let us see)

Let forgiveness wash away the pain

(What we need)

And no one really knows what they are searching for

(We believe)

This world is crying for so much more

So this world

Is too much

For you to take

Just lay it down and follow me

I'll be everything you need

In every way

"We Believe" Good Charlotte

Happy New Year

I’m currently listening to a song that reminds of people I’ve met and loved throughout the year. Playing it gives me a lot of memories and realizations about the journey I had made. At this time, I’m putting an end to some, closing toward the end of another year.

Next to me is a picture of someone---taken two years ago, the first time I ever got to know the person. The smile, the aura, and the surroundings remind me of another time, my inability to respond when it comes to new atmosphere of feelings, not sure about falling in love.

Sometimes we tend to forget what made us fall in love in the first place. Half way down the block, the rivalry between us and reality is often intense. I’ve made a lot of mistakes for the whole year. Usual traps of mine simply didn’t work out. The best part of all? I got to know myself well and the time I reached that point, it started my knowledge regarding things I can give and share to others. A myriad of situations changed me and that’s one reason why I’m still here, sacrificing for a principle.

Tonight, it will be great if I consider people who just came in my life as certainty. Treat them in a special way. I should keep in mind how different things will be if I am to lose them. I’m not responsible just once for all the decisions I make neither forced to live. I still won’t make a New Year’s resolution. There are so many other things I should commit myself to and why not change right at that moment when you realize something’s wrong?

A part of me wants the year 2007 to come crashing down but it's not possible. I'm hoping to see new opportunities through fresh eyes starting tomorrow.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

wandering thoughts

"Mr. Clay" Bamboo All by myself I know that I stand here alone. All your lies they feed me. I'm stronger now, stronger now than I was before. There's no way you can hurt me, move me, stop me.

I really don’t know how to start this entry. I’ve got so many things to say, things I don’t intend to just lapse into silence. For once, several days offered the best world for dreamers. I came to a point where I didn’t have to fill some spaces with formless reasons. Those days were important to me. I had felt the harshness of life departing and said to myself, I don’t believe in it anymore. But then again, that’s impossible. Running away from reality only gives a person half of the experience.

Last Tuesday, we went to Enchanted Kingdom. I saw the child in me, how my spirit was transfixed out of my amazement on things. It was a time when I didn’t sense any thing other than excitement. There was a driving impulse. All I wanted that time was to experience all those rides and didn’t care whether or not I couldn’t take the heights.

I meandered freely across the park, rode the Space Shuttle, Anchor’s Away, Wheel of Fate and all that. Happiness didn’t end there. Recalling the times we did paintball and karting couldn’t quell blissful thoughts that fulfilled my spirit. I was there; at a certain space where things turned the way I wanted and expected them to.

I had coffee with Kyels and Matthew at Gloria Jean’s Rockwell yesterday afternoon. It was a wonderful bonding moment where I found the two of them so funny that we even dared each other to do some crazy things. Boo you, you’re unfair! Haha. I can’t deny such zenith of excitement is one thing I can play over and over again. Ahhha!

We moved to Eastwoood, had dinner at Teriyaki Boy and found ourselves in OJ’s bar. I only got two bottles of beer and was utterly emotive with the music being played by an acoustic band. I held those sad emotions in abeyance, promised some things to myself. In a very short amount of time, Kyels and Matthew will soon be leaving Pinas. I knew it last night, I’d really really miss them.

The two of them are back in their country, Malaysia. I still fancy all those moments I had with them. They took great care in me. We may have argued earlier over some things but nothing can change the fact that I learned a lot from them. I was often swayed by their ideas, maybe because I’m the kind of person who’s always scared. They’re great persons who reminded me about certain ways to attack whatever system or narrow ideas present, and mostly, to not limit my outlook in life. God, they’re my true friends.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Sharing this with a person this afternoon was a practical gesture that I'm not living alone in this world.

I came out with my friends last night. We spent our night in Greenbelt, played at Timezone arcade. On our way to a bar, fireworks flickered in the soundless night so we stopped to watch first. From the 3rd level of GB3, I observed people looking at those playful colors, noiseless, but I sensed their emotions.

We went clubbing after. Absolut Vodka once again! ;) I danced as the deafening-like sound linked with every move I did. My body became exhausted but I didn’t crawl home like a snake. Last night, I learned so many things again from my dear friends. Everything is connected. You have to build your own foundation to not find yourself crumbling so bad someday. How? You must figure it out on your own. Things may appear unpleasant but life doesn’t end there. Taking a broader look and risking some things can make us understand the real language of life.

24th of December (Greenbelt)

Tonight is the night before Christmas and all through the night, I know that I’ll go reminisce about so many things, reliving the past. I’ve realized that this is going to be one Christmas I won’t ever forget. For the past few days, all the while, I was very determined to make the best of it. Sadly, problems approached my way. But maybe, things had to run like that for me to find out what Christmas spirit really means.

I’m now conversing with my reflection. It has been years that we celebrate the season along with my usual giggling in my anticipation for gifts. I trudge across this experience-filled road with my understanding that as I grow older, I receive less gifts but my attention is now centered on people who’ve touched me for the whole year---people who shared every second of happiness or even pain with me.

I thank God for giving me someone. There's always a hand for me to take. Walking on with someone and connected in love is one thing which created my perception that everything might fall down but there’s still one person in this 6.5 billion population who is willing to steady the world for me in whichever way no matter how painful. It offered the profound meaning of faith, passion, devotion and love to me. Now, I believe, I’m in the doorway where I can silently welcome Christmas by trusting myself and believing in life.

A moment of great inspiration is what you give me all the time.

Chirstmas is love.

I say this because I am experiencing it.

God, thank you so much!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU!

tagaytay and batangas

I think I’ve just crossed the threshold between reality and fantasy. The moment we arrived at Taal Vista in Tagaytay this afternoon, the view captivated my attention. It was stunning, beautiful and dramatic indeed. I felt that something in me was hurting but without waiting for another moment to escape. I knew that it was the best time to be alive. I wrote down a short poem using my phone.

From there, we moved to Picnic Grove. There was a tourist guide who gave us an offer if we’d want to avail a package in order for us to have a closer look on the Taal Volcano. Since my two friends love photography, they said it was all right. When everything was settled, we got in the car and had a short drive to Batangas.

The waves were a bit terrible when we were on the boat. Our bodies became wet but excitement filled the air. It reminded me of our boat ride in Palawan before. Oooh good memories. I looked up, tilted my head, and observed the wonder of my surroundings.

riding a horse

When we reached the shore, we can rather trek or ride a horse. We rented horses going up. Ahh, what an adventure! Unfortunately, it was past 6 in the evening when we reached the top. We did have a look on the crater of Taal but it was a bit gloomy already.

top!

(I got this crater picture from someone on the net. As what I've said, it was a bit dark already when we reached that place so wasn't able to capture it like that.)

Amazement came out naturally. Imagine, I was there, as the clouds masked everything, every corner I could see. The wind blew through my skin and finally, I got the feeling that I was part of something – something real and beautiful.

When we rode our horses again to go down, I began to remember how much I enjoyed it, being outside, having an intimate connection with a piece from the world. It was really really dark and it scared me somehow so I decided listening to some songs on my iPod. The stars were out, warm and glowing very slowly. They guided my thoughts on how I should face tomorrow when everything will be different again.

maybe this is really a wonderful world

I used to think that nothing beats flesh and blood. But lately I’ve realized that there are people I just meet or friends I’ve known for a long time who won’t use the metaphor of wounding my feelings---particularly my inner feelings.

My friends from Malaysia arrived in Pinas last Monday and since then, we’ve been going to some places in Manila. I go out almost everyday and I’m glad for that. Like last Tuesday, we went to Bagaberde to watch Nina’s and Nyoy’s performances. I totally allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the night. Absolut vodka! Haha. Yesterday, we visited Rizal Park, Intramuros and Coconut Palace. Through the act of wandering around, I’m appreciating my country more same as with the beauty of the world. From that, I’ve been finding my worth. My friends took some photos. I might post the link here soon.


Our university had the Paskuhan last night; an event for everyone this Christmas season. Too bad I wasn’t really able to watch the fireworks. We got stuck in the traffic. Argh. But nonetheless, still kinda lucky that I was able to see it, very briefly though. There were various performances from students last night and some bands also performed. I walked with Kyels, Matt and Jessica around the campus. I toured them inside with Jessica. Haha.

I had a wonderful discussion with Kyels. I know, I crumbled apart recently after being suspected by these people close to me that I’ve been keeping a dark secret regarding myself. Fuck it. She told me that I should go, find my way. I definitely believe that we all have what it takes to make it there---to that place where we can be honest to ourselves, gain the pride of finding peace, acceptance and the road to endless possibilities.

I want to hold my life on my own. Will it ever be “happily ever after” for me? I don’t know. I honestly told her as well that I have this fear of seeing myself alone someday. Faith is still within me and it has a tendency to provide me the power of holding chances by removing the odds from my mind.

I may have the feeling of loss at some point but it doesn’t kill me anyway. If ever I hold pain, will I ever reach numbness? If ever I hold happiness, will it ever make me forget about some things? I thought I was stronger than this. This time, I guess I should be. The challenge is here, that living must be constantly made.

To one person pulling me down: Thank you very much. It’s strange to me how you can ever find pleasure from hurting others. Does that make you pathetic? Or a person who doesn’t have a life to live on his own? And what’s special about your life anyway? Money, beauty and fame? The artificial world, oh no! I pity you.

phoenix

Unexpected twists are coming in my life. I don’t find myself at a point where things are ending. Thoughts and actions are swallowed by my passion to love - every second of it. I’ve been admiring the phoenix, a legendary bird for a long time. It gets pleasure from immortality as it is renewed with fire every 500 years from the ashes. The thought of being like a phoenix can only take my mind as far as I’d want to because in reality, I can’t be exactly like it. Through the declaration of some truth, I want a new life. I want to fix some things at a better place. Hopefully, scars will just remind me of the past, make me less angry this time. Then maybe, it will be a new life for me.

Last night, I had couple of drinks with good friends. I realized how captivated I am with the act of guidance they give me; the great feeling of our bond like a family and sometimes, even more. They’re always there. When it comes to people, I don’t embrace just anybody. I need to know about your inherent beautiful qualities and great stories to tell which I can admire, learn from.

Whenever I attach myself to something, it will be hard for me to stay away from it that easy. Not because I am a believer of forever whatsoever, but the fact that I know it can’t be repeated again. I can be selfless. So when I find something to passionately love, I learn to make use of my strengths and weaknesses, see where they’ll take me.

Being happy is a wonderful thing. I’ve forgotten how it feels to say how happy I am at a certain point. Saying it is easy same as the feeling that is transient. Holding happiness is quite sensitive, for it opens a person to fragility, easily damaged, easily broken. That’s a scary part.

I can forget myself and avoid learning from past mistakes. There goes the challenge for me to face. Let things rush over me, stand firmly and with a direction. I openly said a lot of things about me to someone, which no one else knows. I believe it’s a great way looking at the world. You can still find someone whom you can trust and put everything in perspective. Start believing that you two can go far together.

This time, I will not permit myself to get lost. The bleak path must vanish. I’m still a bit angry and bitter but not seeking revenge. I’m ready to take chances, see people leave if they must. It’s not anyone’s problem, anyone’s fault why things suddenly bend, suddenly end. It’s really about the choices we make. It’s the process that will dare us to hope, to live and to fight… to try again.

:)

"Some things are true whether you believe in them or not." ---City of Angels

I am not going anywhere, bound to be present through my shadow that is often pursued by the light. For one reason, I see you as my light, the greatest. This is the best time to thank God.

part of change's web

"GRAVITY" Vienna Teng
Look love
They've given up believing
They've turned aside our stories of the gentle fall
But don't you believe them
Don't you drink their poison too
These are the scars that words have carved on me

Up to now, there are times I’d love to see myself in a coffee shop, being with someone, and just so interested exchanging our stories. I did it with a friend last Wednesday as we discussed about the important things we consider at this point; what we need, what we want, what we feel, how we act in response to their call. Talking personally and listening to the voice of a person’s heart appears to be an act of becoming genuinely interested in others, getting familiar with the world he has. The reason is not only about the intention to know the story behind a thing, but more importantly, comprehending on why the person likes a thing that much and how passionate he can go for it. I’d also want to visualize how passion is presented and how it is seen and experienced with the way he looks at things. It’s the response that really matters.

It occurred to me the other day that there are things which are higher than my power to control. At the present, I can come up with several things which are significant to me, but though, time may come when these things will have little meaning already or no meaning at all. There are dirty little secrets that go unspoken in the everyday of our lives. They promote lying as long as no one would get hurt by the truth. As a person would continuously cover up these truths, the futile attempt can never deliver him from disappointment. Just for the sake of avoiding a conflict, people lie and consider alternatives and accept them as true.

There are things I miss doing. There are also things which I doubt if I can ever do again. I know it’s quite emotional, but it’s all part of not seeing the kind of self I used to be with a person before, with a person who’s no longer at my side. Going on with life is not just about doing just right in the mending a heart process or the art of letting go thingy. It’s more about the willingness to step out the gates of where I used to be, having the courage to modify, with a purpose to associate “the self” with new people and new options. Change is a product of one’s personal choice that cannot be dictated by what others do or react.

It’s pouring my heart and soul into something new and observing what kind of nourishment would appear, anticipating that there will be growth. There must be growth. I may even go the extra mile to find out what’s there to find, with my hope to pursue that things will be better this time around. If it means fighting about things I can never own, the experience is the one responsible for the kind of influence that will fit perfectly on me. It's taking risks, determined about not missing one thing that could change my life forever which is important this time.

just something

OUR HOUSE IN CAVITE

Have you ever thought if things couldn’t just go back to the way they used to be as a child? Going home to Cavite last week, I felt how my longing extended up to the air. I was at a familiar setting, the place where I was raised. Everyone has their own time to hold the power on how to set goals and directions. With a set of circumstances, at some point in my life, I decided to move somewhere with my need to see and comprehend things about my self. My skills and instincts to determine what I wanted enabled me to move forward and live in Manila although with a deep seeded confusion.

Somewhere in the path of my young life, certain things came along which I encountered to define or destroy me. It takes a lot of courage most of the time. For me, there is only one hope in life left. It is by shaping our convictions that there are things that aren’t just real. And by accepting who we really are with sincerity to not pretend that we love ourselves and also others, it is the only truth from where we can start to climb up the ladder. One is a brand new person indeed..

I am sorry if my thoughts aren’t going somewhere. I am currently at a net café because our phone is (still) fucked up and there’s no DSL. Boo PLDT! I’ve been sort of melodramatic for the past few days. There are issues I can’t just toy around with. Please bear with me, that for me, the desire to be understood by others cannot be surpassed only by the action to be right. Here comes my desire to be right. I may not know how. All the time, I just follow my heart. I’ve forgotten the presence of my mind thinking that I might miss something. Tell me, is it the right thing to do? And, am I doing it now?

Funny how a friend of mind directly and honestly told me how others might be in complete doubt why I never had a boyfriend yet in my entire life. Apparently, we have different ways looking at it. I might work it out someday but I’m afraid now that I’m already decided. Okay, I must try to keep my mind and heart open. Maybe. It won’t do me any harm anyway. But I tell you, it’s hard for me.

Being with someone for me is that we don’t make demands. We don’t count on bizarre possibilities. We go on with our indomitable and self ambitious lives no matter what and when we need each other, we’ll be there for each other. There must be no suspicions and only little amount of jealousy because I find it sweet. Haha. I don’t want to be constantly asked whether I’ve been faithful. It’s just when I love someone, my feelings perfectly flow. I feel so free to show my inner emotions. That’s a great part, right?

reflections

The Church

Have you ever been in a place where everything is highly uncomfortable? I tell you, eventhough going to this place we've just went to was a long 4-hour drive, arriving at our destination somehow lifted gripped fear out the grave. We went to Pangasinan today, visited the miraculous Our Lady of Manaoag. Out in the distance, I recalled a vision, somehow familiar. It was my second time to go there.

me!

with mom and sister

Far too long, I’ve been guilty of anger inside my chest. I don't forget and it was never easy for me to forgive. I would always spend time in the secret place of my heart, contemplating when can I ever go on and forgive these people who haven’t paid enough to me, unaware of my worth as a person or for causing pain to people who are very dear to me. Also, sometimes, rather than to be genuinely thankful of the person I am now, I can’t stop it if guilt ridden fear is around, thinking and feeling sorry if someone has been cursing me for giving pain in his life.

Where she was seen before

We are all given choices. I love being with honest people. People I can learn new things from. People who are real. It’s often distressing to observe that there are people who constantly judge right away without any clear understanding of situations. Fuck them. Fuck people who are too boastful. They’d constantly narrate the saga of their lives and how they’ve worked hard for their goals. I doubt how long they will go far while being so insensitive at the same time. For me, the reality is that you can’t have achieved goals or things by yourself without the will of someone up there. He is the person that gives the opportunity and ability to you. I struggle that much and how deep my pain now is something you can’t ever see. But hopes are everywhere. I see light from people who are worthy of my attention. I’ll never silently close my heart to them.

3 candles and my 3 prayers

Why do I say these things? Several bitter circumstances have just occured. Visiting the church in Pangasinan was a great opportunity. People say that it's okay to tell the Lady about your wishes and she might grant them. Aside from other things that I've wished for, what I really want in my life right now is to forgive and to be forgiven.

I'm lazy to blog! Rarrrr so just visit thishttp://photos.yahoo.com/ying_028 for more pix. You can find last Monday's pix also (my 18th bday). Hugs!

my 18th birthday

..delivered yesterday from Mommy and Daddy...

THANK YOU!!!

Turning 18 had been a wonderful gift to me. The time I realized that it was my special day, the very moment implied gratification of all senses. Everything was closely related to the past but not identical. The contrast between wisdom and ignorance connived with my consciousness that I’ve learned many things through the years and the closing stages are far-flung.

My decision on how I am going to celebrate 19^th of October was central to drama. It involved my dilemma that I’m willing to have a formal party, with the 18 roses and everything, only if my dad could witness the celebration. For me, dancing with him on that very day will be the best gift I’d ever receive in life. It was an ongoing search for a moment with a very close person to my heart. The discordant bit that cannot make it all possible is that he’s out of the country and can’t leave work for a while for it. My inner drive to strongly support my decision came.

Here are some pictures. I can't upload all pictures yet because DSL fucked up at home and I'm at a net cafe right now...

with Tito Delfin, Tita Aida, Aim and Monica

with my girls

with my mom and sister

with Papa Jimmy and Mama Alice (my loving uncle and aunt)

I decided to stick with my plan of gathering my friends and spend my whole night with them. Last Tuesday, I went to Krocodile Grille in Greenbelt to make a reservation for next week. I told mom that that if we’ll have a dinner buffet whatsoever with our relatives, I want everything to be a simple one. Forget the getting and spending thing. I had no idea what came to her mind and I was just surprised that she had a reservation in Discovery Suites for me.

I appreciate everyone who came last night. I am very very happy. I found myself, who I am today. I owe my existence to my parents, from the day I was born, at once so delicate. The current manifestation of my character can no longer be separated from me. I still cannot win my freedom from the pain but I have to stand firmly on the ground and do what it takes to change something in this sorry world.

get real

Having bizarre circumstances trained me to familiarize what is within me. I believe that what I call for is inside me: strength, determination and stability. I can give it a go if I would want to. It’s miraculous enough to just wake up in the morning, bear in mind that madness could begin or end immediately.

I don’t say that we don’t need people. Dealings with people around develop one’s horizons and learning is endless. I can learn about myself each time I learn something new about someone. What drives me to intimately hold on to a connection, whether it is with a buddy or family member, is achieving the affirmation that I am someone worthy of time and attention; and that I’m not used only for the worth he could get from me. A personal truth can produce a false expectation (we are worthy of love) when we create it as reality. That is why often times, people go away, depressed and lonely when love is not reciprocated. What I do think about is we don’t require socializing to satisfy our basic needs. Having ourselves is enough. Imagine the end where you’ll find yourself alone, calculating the amount of wisdom gained from all experiences.

Justifying our existence can be made each time we create relationships. I try to know myself well---fully. I’ve been practicing it. I want to make sure that I can come to myself to quench my loneliness when no one else could. I don’t want to be too much of a coward when no one affirms me. I should believe that I can get any better when I have confidence to share myself openly by revealing to them my wants and needs. If ever I share my anger only to myself, I’m just decent enough to not let anyone suffer on my selfish desires. And I am doing it, see.

Be fair. That’s all I ask.

If any moment you feel that you’ll falter, you know where to find me.

freedom in the air

Electricity, water and phone fucked up yesterday due to the strong typhoon Milenyo. Whatthe. And for God’s sake, the calamity damaged the lives of many. Early in the morning, we thought about moving to my uncle’s place to save us from trouble and little inconveniences. Everything was packed up perfectly… when, dyaran! Electricity! Water! Phone! Back! Yeah, good thing everything went back to normal and that was around 8 or 9 in the morning I think. Today, temperate weather’s in the region.

I have always felt that one of the most significant things in the world is connection. To be able to converse, relate and reveal your inner side as much as you could to someone. I’ve admitted many times that I’m not friendly. I choose people I want to enter in my life and if it would require much commitment, I’d sincerely give it to them. If I don’t like you, please don’t hang around and wait for me utter a single word. I wouldn’t. People tell me things they don’t usually tell other people; maybe because I’m always prepared to offer my hand. I don’t think twice. I know right away who’s worth it.

I love my friends… I’m so in love with my friends who’ve been there to transmute this anger I occasionally feel into love. I was about to pay money for my plane tickets today because I’ll be flying in October but the system went down. I made plans about flying outside Pinas with my bestfriend but new decisions somehow broke previous plans. I have yet to see Petronas Towers. I really will. Probably, next year. Yeah! For the meantime, before this year ends, Aklan is my target place. And besides, my close friend lives there. I couldn’t wait to meet the whole familia.

I’d love to leave city life and its noise for a while. Give me a break. It contaminates my spirit. I long for different shores. I will never consider that this is all I deserve. I need new pictures with friends as we create smiles together, observe how the impact of several songs would change and breathing space will shed freedom. I yearn for peace and I’ll damn go for it. I. Can’t. Wait.

memoir

I don’t know what to call it. There’s this force that drives me easily to consider new highs. And I talk more intimately and sincerely. I imagine myself standing. The crossroads. To be devoted to something is sweeter than the agony of defeat. I still… I still move violently against my personal will. I call it my daily struggles

Who’s gonna take me to the perimeter of the abyss? Falling.. Falling…Falling in.

A lot of changes have been occurring in my life lately which means more living and less blogging. I still write, once in a while on my other journal which nobody else knows. It’s an alternative during times when I shouldn’t be extremely open. I hold back my illegal fantasies and private acts. This is still my home. No matter how frank and honest I may be frequently, the reward I get has a bang that feels right.

Three years ago, my madness for one person started. Each day, I grew weak but my feelings for the person went high. I decided to go far, stand up through my desire and understand my thoughts. I became aware. Some questions I’ve asked for so many years were answered. That was the first time I got a tongue ring and an argument with my mother. It served as a symbol for a great possibility that knocked at my doors. I desperately defended logic, not minding how I should focus on things because I was afraid to forget about the best way to create depth. We parted ways with that person unaware how my heart was damaged inch by inch. Things between us were too short but without those things; a part of me wouldn’t be strong enough to face the gates of elusiveness. I saw myself aim for something bigger, risk walking on a scorching iron, look excited as the force of destruction would singe my wholeness. All I wanted was to be remembered---by the person. And was not serious in my meditation, one day, I heard it personally, and then I left.

And right now, I still look into the flames not that terrified by the energy and power in the fire. For the second time around, summer 2006 brought into new existence my second tongue ring. The breath in my lungs reduced the slightest ache the time I had it pierced. I felt very empty. Physical pain was inferior to all things that crumbled my world. What does this piercing remind me of? I should keep it as a secret. Something similar to anguish. But on the brighter side, the belligerent act of emptiness it would always remind me of taught me several things.

I learned about God. God mesmerized our family, lured us in to give an idea how a potent strength could be received as we endure the crisis. It grabbed my attention. There were times that I wanted to cry when I shouldn’t put my fears on view. My involvement on such difficulties consumed my spirit, and I started to believe, I’ll never be the same.

Why am I saying all these? I’ve realized that two things come together: the too short or too long. They both happen. They both come and go. And the fleeting moment they bring can modify every page of our lives.

Ohhh Maria!!!!

Boo ENGLISH PAPER! Deliver me, deliver me from it! Rarrrrr. See my Masha? All mine! And I did the easiest way to get that one today. Yeeeeeheeee!!! Next target, Prince. :D