reflections

The Church

Have you ever been in a place where everything is highly uncomfortable? I tell you, eventhough going to this place we've just went to was a long 4-hour drive, arriving at our destination somehow lifted gripped fear out the grave. We went to Pangasinan today, visited the miraculous Our Lady of Manaoag. Out in the distance, I recalled a vision, somehow familiar. It was my second time to go there.

me!

with mom and sister

Far too long, I’ve been guilty of anger inside my chest. I don't forget and it was never easy for me to forgive. I would always spend time in the secret place of my heart, contemplating when can I ever go on and forgive these people who haven’t paid enough to me, unaware of my worth as a person or for causing pain to people who are very dear to me. Also, sometimes, rather than to be genuinely thankful of the person I am now, I can’t stop it if guilt ridden fear is around, thinking and feeling sorry if someone has been cursing me for giving pain in his life.

Where she was seen before

We are all given choices. I love being with honest people. People I can learn new things from. People who are real. It’s often distressing to observe that there are people who constantly judge right away without any clear understanding of situations. Fuck them. Fuck people who are too boastful. They’d constantly narrate the saga of their lives and how they’ve worked hard for their goals. I doubt how long they will go far while being so insensitive at the same time. For me, the reality is that you can’t have achieved goals or things by yourself without the will of someone up there. He is the person that gives the opportunity and ability to you. I struggle that much and how deep my pain now is something you can’t ever see. But hopes are everywhere. I see light from people who are worthy of my attention. I’ll never silently close my heart to them.

3 candles and my 3 prayers

Why do I say these things? Several bitter circumstances have just occured. Visiting the church in Pangasinan was a great opportunity. People say that it's okay to tell the Lady about your wishes and she might grant them. Aside from other things that I've wished for, what I really want in my life right now is to forgive and to be forgiven.

I'm lazy to blog! Rarrrr so just visit thishttp://photos.yahoo.com/ying_028 for more pix. You can find last Monday's pix also (my 18th bday). Hugs!

my 18th birthday

..delivered yesterday from Mommy and Daddy...

THANK YOU!!!

Turning 18 had been a wonderful gift to me. The time I realized that it was my special day, the very moment implied gratification of all senses. Everything was closely related to the past but not identical. The contrast between wisdom and ignorance connived with my consciousness that I’ve learned many things through the years and the closing stages are far-flung.

My decision on how I am going to celebrate 19^th of October was central to drama. It involved my dilemma that I’m willing to have a formal party, with the 18 roses and everything, only if my dad could witness the celebration. For me, dancing with him on that very day will be the best gift I’d ever receive in life. It was an ongoing search for a moment with a very close person to my heart. The discordant bit that cannot make it all possible is that he’s out of the country and can’t leave work for a while for it. My inner drive to strongly support my decision came.

Here are some pictures. I can't upload all pictures yet because DSL fucked up at home and I'm at a net cafe right now...

with Tito Delfin, Tita Aida, Aim and Monica

with my girls

with my mom and sister

with Papa Jimmy and Mama Alice (my loving uncle and aunt)

I decided to stick with my plan of gathering my friends and spend my whole night with them. Last Tuesday, I went to Krocodile Grille in Greenbelt to make a reservation for next week. I told mom that that if we’ll have a dinner buffet whatsoever with our relatives, I want everything to be a simple one. Forget the getting and spending thing. I had no idea what came to her mind and I was just surprised that she had a reservation in Discovery Suites for me.

I appreciate everyone who came last night. I am very very happy. I found myself, who I am today. I owe my existence to my parents, from the day I was born, at once so delicate. The current manifestation of my character can no longer be separated from me. I still cannot win my freedom from the pain but I have to stand firmly on the ground and do what it takes to change something in this sorry world.

get real

Having bizarre circumstances trained me to familiarize what is within me. I believe that what I call for is inside me: strength, determination and stability. I can give it a go if I would want to. It’s miraculous enough to just wake up in the morning, bear in mind that madness could begin or end immediately.

I don’t say that we don’t need people. Dealings with people around develop one’s horizons and learning is endless. I can learn about myself each time I learn something new about someone. What drives me to intimately hold on to a connection, whether it is with a buddy or family member, is achieving the affirmation that I am someone worthy of time and attention; and that I’m not used only for the worth he could get from me. A personal truth can produce a false expectation (we are worthy of love) when we create it as reality. That is why often times, people go away, depressed and lonely when love is not reciprocated. What I do think about is we don’t require socializing to satisfy our basic needs. Having ourselves is enough. Imagine the end where you’ll find yourself alone, calculating the amount of wisdom gained from all experiences.

Justifying our existence can be made each time we create relationships. I try to know myself well---fully. I’ve been practicing it. I want to make sure that I can come to myself to quench my loneliness when no one else could. I don’t want to be too much of a coward when no one affirms me. I should believe that I can get any better when I have confidence to share myself openly by revealing to them my wants and needs. If ever I share my anger only to myself, I’m just decent enough to not let anyone suffer on my selfish desires. And I am doing it, see.

Be fair. That’s all I ask.

If any moment you feel that you’ll falter, you know where to find me.