Happy New Year

I’m currently listening to a song that reminds of people I’ve met and loved throughout the year. Playing it gives me a lot of memories and realizations about the journey I had made. At this time, I’m putting an end to some, closing toward the end of another year.

Next to me is a picture of someone---taken two years ago, the first time I ever got to know the person. The smile, the aura, and the surroundings remind me of another time, my inability to respond when it comes to new atmosphere of feelings, not sure about falling in love.

Sometimes we tend to forget what made us fall in love in the first place. Half way down the block, the rivalry between us and reality is often intense. I’ve made a lot of mistakes for the whole year. Usual traps of mine simply didn’t work out. The best part of all? I got to know myself well and the time I reached that point, it started my knowledge regarding things I can give and share to others. A myriad of situations changed me and that’s one reason why I’m still here, sacrificing for a principle.

Tonight, it will be great if I consider people who just came in my life as certainty. Treat them in a special way. I should keep in mind how different things will be if I am to lose them. I’m not responsible just once for all the decisions I make neither forced to live. I still won’t make a New Year’s resolution. There are so many other things I should commit myself to and why not change right at that moment when you realize something’s wrong?

A part of me wants the year 2007 to come crashing down but it's not possible. I'm hoping to see new opportunities through fresh eyes starting tomorrow.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

wandering thoughts

"Mr. Clay" Bamboo All by myself I know that I stand here alone. All your lies they feed me. I'm stronger now, stronger now than I was before. There's no way you can hurt me, move me, stop me.

I really don’t know how to start this entry. I’ve got so many things to say, things I don’t intend to just lapse into silence. For once, several days offered the best world for dreamers. I came to a point where I didn’t have to fill some spaces with formless reasons. Those days were important to me. I had felt the harshness of life departing and said to myself, I don’t believe in it anymore. But then again, that’s impossible. Running away from reality only gives a person half of the experience.

Last Tuesday, we went to Enchanted Kingdom. I saw the child in me, how my spirit was transfixed out of my amazement on things. It was a time when I didn’t sense any thing other than excitement. There was a driving impulse. All I wanted that time was to experience all those rides and didn’t care whether or not I couldn’t take the heights.

I meandered freely across the park, rode the Space Shuttle, Anchor’s Away, Wheel of Fate and all that. Happiness didn’t end there. Recalling the times we did paintball and karting couldn’t quell blissful thoughts that fulfilled my spirit. I was there; at a certain space where things turned the way I wanted and expected them to.

I had coffee with Kyels and Matthew at Gloria Jean’s Rockwell yesterday afternoon. It was a wonderful bonding moment where I found the two of them so funny that we even dared each other to do some crazy things. Boo you, you’re unfair! Haha. I can’t deny such zenith of excitement is one thing I can play over and over again. Ahhha!

We moved to Eastwoood, had dinner at Teriyaki Boy and found ourselves in OJ’s bar. I only got two bottles of beer and was utterly emotive with the music being played by an acoustic band. I held those sad emotions in abeyance, promised some things to myself. In a very short amount of time, Kyels and Matthew will soon be leaving Pinas. I knew it last night, I’d really really miss them.

The two of them are back in their country, Malaysia. I still fancy all those moments I had with them. They took great care in me. We may have argued earlier over some things but nothing can change the fact that I learned a lot from them. I was often swayed by their ideas, maybe because I’m the kind of person who’s always scared. They’re great persons who reminded me about certain ways to attack whatever system or narrow ideas present, and mostly, to not limit my outlook in life. God, they’re my true friends.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Sharing this with a person this afternoon was a practical gesture that I'm not living alone in this world.

I came out with my friends last night. We spent our night in Greenbelt, played at Timezone arcade. On our way to a bar, fireworks flickered in the soundless night so we stopped to watch first. From the 3rd level of GB3, I observed people looking at those playful colors, noiseless, but I sensed their emotions.

We went clubbing after. Absolut Vodka once again! ;) I danced as the deafening-like sound linked with every move I did. My body became exhausted but I didn’t crawl home like a snake. Last night, I learned so many things again from my dear friends. Everything is connected. You have to build your own foundation to not find yourself crumbling so bad someday. How? You must figure it out on your own. Things may appear unpleasant but life doesn’t end there. Taking a broader look and risking some things can make us understand the real language of life.

24th of December (Greenbelt)

Tonight is the night before Christmas and all through the night, I know that I’ll go reminisce about so many things, reliving the past. I’ve realized that this is going to be one Christmas I won’t ever forget. For the past few days, all the while, I was very determined to make the best of it. Sadly, problems approached my way. But maybe, things had to run like that for me to find out what Christmas spirit really means.

I’m now conversing with my reflection. It has been years that we celebrate the season along with my usual giggling in my anticipation for gifts. I trudge across this experience-filled road with my understanding that as I grow older, I receive less gifts but my attention is now centered on people who’ve touched me for the whole year---people who shared every second of happiness or even pain with me.

I thank God for giving me someone. There's always a hand for me to take. Walking on with someone and connected in love is one thing which created my perception that everything might fall down but there’s still one person in this 6.5 billion population who is willing to steady the world for me in whichever way no matter how painful. It offered the profound meaning of faith, passion, devotion and love to me. Now, I believe, I’m in the doorway where I can silently welcome Christmas by trusting myself and believing in life.

A moment of great inspiration is what you give me all the time.

Chirstmas is love.

I say this because I am experiencing it.

God, thank you so much!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU!

tagaytay and batangas

I think I’ve just crossed the threshold between reality and fantasy. The moment we arrived at Taal Vista in Tagaytay this afternoon, the view captivated my attention. It was stunning, beautiful and dramatic indeed. I felt that something in me was hurting but without waiting for another moment to escape. I knew that it was the best time to be alive. I wrote down a short poem using my phone.

From there, we moved to Picnic Grove. There was a tourist guide who gave us an offer if we’d want to avail a package in order for us to have a closer look on the Taal Volcano. Since my two friends love photography, they said it was all right. When everything was settled, we got in the car and had a short drive to Batangas.

The waves were a bit terrible when we were on the boat. Our bodies became wet but excitement filled the air. It reminded me of our boat ride in Palawan before. Oooh good memories. I looked up, tilted my head, and observed the wonder of my surroundings.

riding a horse

When we reached the shore, we can rather trek or ride a horse. We rented horses going up. Ahh, what an adventure! Unfortunately, it was past 6 in the evening when we reached the top. We did have a look on the crater of Taal but it was a bit gloomy already.

top!

(I got this crater picture from someone on the net. As what I've said, it was a bit dark already when we reached that place so wasn't able to capture it like that.)

Amazement came out naturally. Imagine, I was there, as the clouds masked everything, every corner I could see. The wind blew through my skin and finally, I got the feeling that I was part of something – something real and beautiful.

When we rode our horses again to go down, I began to remember how much I enjoyed it, being outside, having an intimate connection with a piece from the world. It was really really dark and it scared me somehow so I decided listening to some songs on my iPod. The stars were out, warm and glowing very slowly. They guided my thoughts on how I should face tomorrow when everything will be different again.

maybe this is really a wonderful world

I used to think that nothing beats flesh and blood. But lately I’ve realized that there are people I just meet or friends I’ve known for a long time who won’t use the metaphor of wounding my feelings---particularly my inner feelings.

My friends from Malaysia arrived in Pinas last Monday and since then, we’ve been going to some places in Manila. I go out almost everyday and I’m glad for that. Like last Tuesday, we went to Bagaberde to watch Nina’s and Nyoy’s performances. I totally allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the night. Absolut vodka! Haha. Yesterday, we visited Rizal Park, Intramuros and Coconut Palace. Through the act of wandering around, I’m appreciating my country more same as with the beauty of the world. From that, I’ve been finding my worth. My friends took some photos. I might post the link here soon.


Our university had the Paskuhan last night; an event for everyone this Christmas season. Too bad I wasn’t really able to watch the fireworks. We got stuck in the traffic. Argh. But nonetheless, still kinda lucky that I was able to see it, very briefly though. There were various performances from students last night and some bands also performed. I walked with Kyels, Matt and Jessica around the campus. I toured them inside with Jessica. Haha.

I had a wonderful discussion with Kyels. I know, I crumbled apart recently after being suspected by these people close to me that I’ve been keeping a dark secret regarding myself. Fuck it. She told me that I should go, find my way. I definitely believe that we all have what it takes to make it there---to that place where we can be honest to ourselves, gain the pride of finding peace, acceptance and the road to endless possibilities.

I want to hold my life on my own. Will it ever be “happily ever after” for me? I don’t know. I honestly told her as well that I have this fear of seeing myself alone someday. Faith is still within me and it has a tendency to provide me the power of holding chances by removing the odds from my mind.

I may have the feeling of loss at some point but it doesn’t kill me anyway. If ever I hold pain, will I ever reach numbness? If ever I hold happiness, will it ever make me forget about some things? I thought I was stronger than this. This time, I guess I should be. The challenge is here, that living must be constantly made.

To one person pulling me down: Thank you very much. It’s strange to me how you can ever find pleasure from hurting others. Does that make you pathetic? Or a person who doesn’t have a life to live on his own? And what’s special about your life anyway? Money, beauty and fame? The artificial world, oh no! I pity you.