phoenix

Unexpected twists are coming in my life. I don’t find myself at a point where things are ending. Thoughts and actions are swallowed by my passion to love - every second of it. I’ve been admiring the phoenix, a legendary bird for a long time. It gets pleasure from immortality as it is renewed with fire every 500 years from the ashes. The thought of being like a phoenix can only take my mind as far as I’d want to because in reality, I can’t be exactly like it. Through the declaration of some truth, I want a new life. I want to fix some things at a better place. Hopefully, scars will just remind me of the past, make me less angry this time. Then maybe, it will be a new life for me.

Last night, I had couple of drinks with good friends. I realized how captivated I am with the act of guidance they give me; the great feeling of our bond like a family and sometimes, even more. They’re always there. When it comes to people, I don’t embrace just anybody. I need to know about your inherent beautiful qualities and great stories to tell which I can admire, learn from.

Whenever I attach myself to something, it will be hard for me to stay away from it that easy. Not because I am a believer of forever whatsoever, but the fact that I know it can’t be repeated again. I can be selfless. So when I find something to passionately love, I learn to make use of my strengths and weaknesses, see where they’ll take me.

Being happy is a wonderful thing. I’ve forgotten how it feels to say how happy I am at a certain point. Saying it is easy same as the feeling that is transient. Holding happiness is quite sensitive, for it opens a person to fragility, easily damaged, easily broken. That’s a scary part.

I can forget myself and avoid learning from past mistakes. There goes the challenge for me to face. Let things rush over me, stand firmly and with a direction. I openly said a lot of things about me to someone, which no one else knows. I believe it’s a great way looking at the world. You can still find someone whom you can trust and put everything in perspective. Start believing that you two can go far together.

This time, I will not permit myself to get lost. The bleak path must vanish. I’m still a bit angry and bitter but not seeking revenge. I’m ready to take chances, see people leave if they must. It’s not anyone’s problem, anyone’s fault why things suddenly bend, suddenly end. It’s really about the choices we make. It’s the process that will dare us to hope, to live and to fight… to try again.

:)

"Some things are true whether you believe in them or not." ---City of Angels

I am not going anywhere, bound to be present through my shadow that is often pursued by the light. For one reason, I see you as my light, the greatest. This is the best time to thank God.

part of change's web

"GRAVITY" Vienna Teng
Look love
They've given up believing
They've turned aside our stories of the gentle fall
But don't you believe them
Don't you drink their poison too
These are the scars that words have carved on me

Up to now, there are times I’d love to see myself in a coffee shop, being with someone, and just so interested exchanging our stories. I did it with a friend last Wednesday as we discussed about the important things we consider at this point; what we need, what we want, what we feel, how we act in response to their call. Talking personally and listening to the voice of a person’s heart appears to be an act of becoming genuinely interested in others, getting familiar with the world he has. The reason is not only about the intention to know the story behind a thing, but more importantly, comprehending on why the person likes a thing that much and how passionate he can go for it. I’d also want to visualize how passion is presented and how it is seen and experienced with the way he looks at things. It’s the response that really matters.

It occurred to me the other day that there are things which are higher than my power to control. At the present, I can come up with several things which are significant to me, but though, time may come when these things will have little meaning already or no meaning at all. There are dirty little secrets that go unspoken in the everyday of our lives. They promote lying as long as no one would get hurt by the truth. As a person would continuously cover up these truths, the futile attempt can never deliver him from disappointment. Just for the sake of avoiding a conflict, people lie and consider alternatives and accept them as true.

There are things I miss doing. There are also things which I doubt if I can ever do again. I know it’s quite emotional, but it’s all part of not seeing the kind of self I used to be with a person before, with a person who’s no longer at my side. Going on with life is not just about doing just right in the mending a heart process or the art of letting go thingy. It’s more about the willingness to step out the gates of where I used to be, having the courage to modify, with a purpose to associate “the self” with new people and new options. Change is a product of one’s personal choice that cannot be dictated by what others do or react.

It’s pouring my heart and soul into something new and observing what kind of nourishment would appear, anticipating that there will be growth. There must be growth. I may even go the extra mile to find out what’s there to find, with my hope to pursue that things will be better this time around. If it means fighting about things I can never own, the experience is the one responsible for the kind of influence that will fit perfectly on me. It's taking risks, determined about not missing one thing that could change my life forever which is important this time.

just something

OUR HOUSE IN CAVITE

Have you ever thought if things couldn’t just go back to the way they used to be as a child? Going home to Cavite last week, I felt how my longing extended up to the air. I was at a familiar setting, the place where I was raised. Everyone has their own time to hold the power on how to set goals and directions. With a set of circumstances, at some point in my life, I decided to move somewhere with my need to see and comprehend things about my self. My skills and instincts to determine what I wanted enabled me to move forward and live in Manila although with a deep seeded confusion.

Somewhere in the path of my young life, certain things came along which I encountered to define or destroy me. It takes a lot of courage most of the time. For me, there is only one hope in life left. It is by shaping our convictions that there are things that aren’t just real. And by accepting who we really are with sincerity to not pretend that we love ourselves and also others, it is the only truth from where we can start to climb up the ladder. One is a brand new person indeed..

I am sorry if my thoughts aren’t going somewhere. I am currently at a net café because our phone is (still) fucked up and there’s no DSL. Boo PLDT! I’ve been sort of melodramatic for the past few days. There are issues I can’t just toy around with. Please bear with me, that for me, the desire to be understood by others cannot be surpassed only by the action to be right. Here comes my desire to be right. I may not know how. All the time, I just follow my heart. I’ve forgotten the presence of my mind thinking that I might miss something. Tell me, is it the right thing to do? And, am I doing it now?

Funny how a friend of mind directly and honestly told me how others might be in complete doubt why I never had a boyfriend yet in my entire life. Apparently, we have different ways looking at it. I might work it out someday but I’m afraid now that I’m already decided. Okay, I must try to keep my mind and heart open. Maybe. It won’t do me any harm anyway. But I tell you, it’s hard for me.

Being with someone for me is that we don’t make demands. We don’t count on bizarre possibilities. We go on with our indomitable and self ambitious lives no matter what and when we need each other, we’ll be there for each other. There must be no suspicions and only little amount of jealousy because I find it sweet. Haha. I don’t want to be constantly asked whether I’ve been faithful. It’s just when I love someone, my feelings perfectly flow. I feel so free to show my inner emotions. That’s a great part, right?