Happy New Year

I’m currently listening to a song that reminds of people I’ve met and loved throughout the year. Playing it gives me a lot of memories and realizations about the journey I had made. At this time, I’m putting an end to some, closing toward the end of another year.

Next to me is a picture of someone---taken two years ago, the first time I ever got to know the person. The smile, the aura, and the surroundings remind me of another time, my inability to respond when it comes to new atmosphere of feelings, not sure about falling in love.

Sometimes we tend to forget what made us fall in love in the first place. Half way down the block, the rivalry between us and reality is often intense. I’ve made a lot of mistakes for the whole year. Usual traps of mine simply didn’t work out. The best part of all? I got to know myself well and the time I reached that point, it started my knowledge regarding things I can give and share to others. A myriad of situations changed me and that’s one reason why I’m still here, sacrificing for a principle.

Tonight, it will be great if I consider people who just came in my life as certainty. Treat them in a special way. I should keep in mind how different things will be if I am to lose them. I’m not responsible just once for all the decisions I make neither forced to live. I still won’t make a New Year’s resolution. There are so many other things I should commit myself to and why not change right at that moment when you realize something’s wrong?

A part of me wants the year 2007 to come crashing down but it's not possible. I'm hoping to see new opportunities through fresh eyes starting tomorrow.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

wandering thoughts

"Mr. Clay" Bamboo All by myself I know that I stand here alone. All your lies they feed me. I'm stronger now, stronger now than I was before. There's no way you can hurt me, move me, stop me.

I really don’t know how to start this entry. I’ve got so many things to say, things I don’t intend to just lapse into silence. For once, several days offered the best world for dreamers. I came to a point where I didn’t have to fill some spaces with formless reasons. Those days were important to me. I had felt the harshness of life departing and said to myself, I don’t believe in it anymore. But then again, that’s impossible. Running away from reality only gives a person half of the experience.

Last Tuesday, we went to Enchanted Kingdom. I saw the child in me, how my spirit was transfixed out of my amazement on things. It was a time when I didn’t sense any thing other than excitement. There was a driving impulse. All I wanted that time was to experience all those rides and didn’t care whether or not I couldn’t take the heights.

I meandered freely across the park, rode the Space Shuttle, Anchor’s Away, Wheel of Fate and all that. Happiness didn’t end there. Recalling the times we did paintball and karting couldn’t quell blissful thoughts that fulfilled my spirit. I was there; at a certain space where things turned the way I wanted and expected them to.

I had coffee with Kyels and Matthew at Gloria Jean’s Rockwell yesterday afternoon. It was a wonderful bonding moment where I found the two of them so funny that we even dared each other to do some crazy things. Boo you, you’re unfair! Haha. I can’t deny such zenith of excitement is one thing I can play over and over again. Ahhha!

We moved to Eastwoood, had dinner at Teriyaki Boy and found ourselves in OJ’s bar. I only got two bottles of beer and was utterly emotive with the music being played by an acoustic band. I held those sad emotions in abeyance, promised some things to myself. In a very short amount of time, Kyels and Matthew will soon be leaving Pinas. I knew it last night, I’d really really miss them.

The two of them are back in their country, Malaysia. I still fancy all those moments I had with them. They took great care in me. We may have argued earlier over some things but nothing can change the fact that I learned a lot from them. I was often swayed by their ideas, maybe because I’m the kind of person who’s always scared. They’re great persons who reminded me about certain ways to attack whatever system or narrow ideas present, and mostly, to not limit my outlook in life. God, they’re my true friends.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Sharing this with a person this afternoon was a practical gesture that I'm not living alone in this world.

I came out with my friends last night. We spent our night in Greenbelt, played at Timezone arcade. On our way to a bar, fireworks flickered in the soundless night so we stopped to watch first. From the 3rd level of GB3, I observed people looking at those playful colors, noiseless, but I sensed their emotions.

We went clubbing after. Absolut Vodka once again! ;) I danced as the deafening-like sound linked with every move I did. My body became exhausted but I didn’t crawl home like a snake. Last night, I learned so many things again from my dear friends. Everything is connected. You have to build your own foundation to not find yourself crumbling so bad someday. How? You must figure it out on your own. Things may appear unpleasant but life doesn’t end there. Taking a broader look and risking some things can make us understand the real language of life.

24th of December (Greenbelt)

Tonight is the night before Christmas and all through the night, I know that I’ll go reminisce about so many things, reliving the past. I’ve realized that this is going to be one Christmas I won’t ever forget. For the past few days, all the while, I was very determined to make the best of it. Sadly, problems approached my way. But maybe, things had to run like that for me to find out what Christmas spirit really means.

I’m now conversing with my reflection. It has been years that we celebrate the season along with my usual giggling in my anticipation for gifts. I trudge across this experience-filled road with my understanding that as I grow older, I receive less gifts but my attention is now centered on people who’ve touched me for the whole year---people who shared every second of happiness or even pain with me.

I thank God for giving me someone. There's always a hand for me to take. Walking on with someone and connected in love is one thing which created my perception that everything might fall down but there’s still one person in this 6.5 billion population who is willing to steady the world for me in whichever way no matter how painful. It offered the profound meaning of faith, passion, devotion and love to me. Now, I believe, I’m in the doorway where I can silently welcome Christmas by trusting myself and believing in life.

A moment of great inspiration is what you give me all the time.

Chirstmas is love.

I say this because I am experiencing it.

God, thank you so much!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU!

tagaytay and batangas

I think I’ve just crossed the threshold between reality and fantasy. The moment we arrived at Taal Vista in Tagaytay this afternoon, the view captivated my attention. It was stunning, beautiful and dramatic indeed. I felt that something in me was hurting but without waiting for another moment to escape. I knew that it was the best time to be alive. I wrote down a short poem using my phone.

From there, we moved to Picnic Grove. There was a tourist guide who gave us an offer if we’d want to avail a package in order for us to have a closer look on the Taal Volcano. Since my two friends love photography, they said it was all right. When everything was settled, we got in the car and had a short drive to Batangas.

The waves were a bit terrible when we were on the boat. Our bodies became wet but excitement filled the air. It reminded me of our boat ride in Palawan before. Oooh good memories. I looked up, tilted my head, and observed the wonder of my surroundings.

riding a horse

When we reached the shore, we can rather trek or ride a horse. We rented horses going up. Ahh, what an adventure! Unfortunately, it was past 6 in the evening when we reached the top. We did have a look on the crater of Taal but it was a bit gloomy already.

top!

(I got this crater picture from someone on the net. As what I've said, it was a bit dark already when we reached that place so wasn't able to capture it like that.)

Amazement came out naturally. Imagine, I was there, as the clouds masked everything, every corner I could see. The wind blew through my skin and finally, I got the feeling that I was part of something – something real and beautiful.

When we rode our horses again to go down, I began to remember how much I enjoyed it, being outside, having an intimate connection with a piece from the world. It was really really dark and it scared me somehow so I decided listening to some songs on my iPod. The stars were out, warm and glowing very slowly. They guided my thoughts on how I should face tomorrow when everything will be different again.

maybe this is really a wonderful world

I used to think that nothing beats flesh and blood. But lately I’ve realized that there are people I just meet or friends I’ve known for a long time who won’t use the metaphor of wounding my feelings---particularly my inner feelings.

My friends from Malaysia arrived in Pinas last Monday and since then, we’ve been going to some places in Manila. I go out almost everyday and I’m glad for that. Like last Tuesday, we went to Bagaberde to watch Nina’s and Nyoy’s performances. I totally allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the night. Absolut vodka! Haha. Yesterday, we visited Rizal Park, Intramuros and Coconut Palace. Through the act of wandering around, I’m appreciating my country more same as with the beauty of the world. From that, I’ve been finding my worth. My friends took some photos. I might post the link here soon.


Our university had the Paskuhan last night; an event for everyone this Christmas season. Too bad I wasn’t really able to watch the fireworks. We got stuck in the traffic. Argh. But nonetheless, still kinda lucky that I was able to see it, very briefly though. There were various performances from students last night and some bands also performed. I walked with Kyels, Matt and Jessica around the campus. I toured them inside with Jessica. Haha.

I had a wonderful discussion with Kyels. I know, I crumbled apart recently after being suspected by these people close to me that I’ve been keeping a dark secret regarding myself. Fuck it. She told me that I should go, find my way. I definitely believe that we all have what it takes to make it there---to that place where we can be honest to ourselves, gain the pride of finding peace, acceptance and the road to endless possibilities.

I want to hold my life on my own. Will it ever be “happily ever after” for me? I don’t know. I honestly told her as well that I have this fear of seeing myself alone someday. Faith is still within me and it has a tendency to provide me the power of holding chances by removing the odds from my mind.

I may have the feeling of loss at some point but it doesn’t kill me anyway. If ever I hold pain, will I ever reach numbness? If ever I hold happiness, will it ever make me forget about some things? I thought I was stronger than this. This time, I guess I should be. The challenge is here, that living must be constantly made.

To one person pulling me down: Thank you very much. It’s strange to me how you can ever find pleasure from hurting others. Does that make you pathetic? Or a person who doesn’t have a life to live on his own? And what’s special about your life anyway? Money, beauty and fame? The artificial world, oh no! I pity you.

phoenix

Unexpected twists are coming in my life. I don’t find myself at a point where things are ending. Thoughts and actions are swallowed by my passion to love - every second of it. I’ve been admiring the phoenix, a legendary bird for a long time. It gets pleasure from immortality as it is renewed with fire every 500 years from the ashes. The thought of being like a phoenix can only take my mind as far as I’d want to because in reality, I can’t be exactly like it. Through the declaration of some truth, I want a new life. I want to fix some things at a better place. Hopefully, scars will just remind me of the past, make me less angry this time. Then maybe, it will be a new life for me.

Last night, I had couple of drinks with good friends. I realized how captivated I am with the act of guidance they give me; the great feeling of our bond like a family and sometimes, even more. They’re always there. When it comes to people, I don’t embrace just anybody. I need to know about your inherent beautiful qualities and great stories to tell which I can admire, learn from.

Whenever I attach myself to something, it will be hard for me to stay away from it that easy. Not because I am a believer of forever whatsoever, but the fact that I know it can’t be repeated again. I can be selfless. So when I find something to passionately love, I learn to make use of my strengths and weaknesses, see where they’ll take me.

Being happy is a wonderful thing. I’ve forgotten how it feels to say how happy I am at a certain point. Saying it is easy same as the feeling that is transient. Holding happiness is quite sensitive, for it opens a person to fragility, easily damaged, easily broken. That’s a scary part.

I can forget myself and avoid learning from past mistakes. There goes the challenge for me to face. Let things rush over me, stand firmly and with a direction. I openly said a lot of things about me to someone, which no one else knows. I believe it’s a great way looking at the world. You can still find someone whom you can trust and put everything in perspective. Start believing that you two can go far together.

This time, I will not permit myself to get lost. The bleak path must vanish. I’m still a bit angry and bitter but not seeking revenge. I’m ready to take chances, see people leave if they must. It’s not anyone’s problem, anyone’s fault why things suddenly bend, suddenly end. It’s really about the choices we make. It’s the process that will dare us to hope, to live and to fight… to try again.

:)

"Some things are true whether you believe in them or not." ---City of Angels

I am not going anywhere, bound to be present through my shadow that is often pursued by the light. For one reason, I see you as my light, the greatest. This is the best time to thank God.

part of change's web

"GRAVITY" Vienna Teng
Look love
They've given up believing
They've turned aside our stories of the gentle fall
But don't you believe them
Don't you drink their poison too
These are the scars that words have carved on me

Up to now, there are times I’d love to see myself in a coffee shop, being with someone, and just so interested exchanging our stories. I did it with a friend last Wednesday as we discussed about the important things we consider at this point; what we need, what we want, what we feel, how we act in response to their call. Talking personally and listening to the voice of a person’s heart appears to be an act of becoming genuinely interested in others, getting familiar with the world he has. The reason is not only about the intention to know the story behind a thing, but more importantly, comprehending on why the person likes a thing that much and how passionate he can go for it. I’d also want to visualize how passion is presented and how it is seen and experienced with the way he looks at things. It’s the response that really matters.

It occurred to me the other day that there are things which are higher than my power to control. At the present, I can come up with several things which are significant to me, but though, time may come when these things will have little meaning already or no meaning at all. There are dirty little secrets that go unspoken in the everyday of our lives. They promote lying as long as no one would get hurt by the truth. As a person would continuously cover up these truths, the futile attempt can never deliver him from disappointment. Just for the sake of avoiding a conflict, people lie and consider alternatives and accept them as true.

There are things I miss doing. There are also things which I doubt if I can ever do again. I know it’s quite emotional, but it’s all part of not seeing the kind of self I used to be with a person before, with a person who’s no longer at my side. Going on with life is not just about doing just right in the mending a heart process or the art of letting go thingy. It’s more about the willingness to step out the gates of where I used to be, having the courage to modify, with a purpose to associate “the self” with new people and new options. Change is a product of one’s personal choice that cannot be dictated by what others do or react.

It’s pouring my heart and soul into something new and observing what kind of nourishment would appear, anticipating that there will be growth. There must be growth. I may even go the extra mile to find out what’s there to find, with my hope to pursue that things will be better this time around. If it means fighting about things I can never own, the experience is the one responsible for the kind of influence that will fit perfectly on me. It's taking risks, determined about not missing one thing that could change my life forever which is important this time.

just something

OUR HOUSE IN CAVITE

Have you ever thought if things couldn’t just go back to the way they used to be as a child? Going home to Cavite last week, I felt how my longing extended up to the air. I was at a familiar setting, the place where I was raised. Everyone has their own time to hold the power on how to set goals and directions. With a set of circumstances, at some point in my life, I decided to move somewhere with my need to see and comprehend things about my self. My skills and instincts to determine what I wanted enabled me to move forward and live in Manila although with a deep seeded confusion.

Somewhere in the path of my young life, certain things came along which I encountered to define or destroy me. It takes a lot of courage most of the time. For me, there is only one hope in life left. It is by shaping our convictions that there are things that aren’t just real. And by accepting who we really are with sincerity to not pretend that we love ourselves and also others, it is the only truth from where we can start to climb up the ladder. One is a brand new person indeed..

I am sorry if my thoughts aren’t going somewhere. I am currently at a net café because our phone is (still) fucked up and there’s no DSL. Boo PLDT! I’ve been sort of melodramatic for the past few days. There are issues I can’t just toy around with. Please bear with me, that for me, the desire to be understood by others cannot be surpassed only by the action to be right. Here comes my desire to be right. I may not know how. All the time, I just follow my heart. I’ve forgotten the presence of my mind thinking that I might miss something. Tell me, is it the right thing to do? And, am I doing it now?

Funny how a friend of mind directly and honestly told me how others might be in complete doubt why I never had a boyfriend yet in my entire life. Apparently, we have different ways looking at it. I might work it out someday but I’m afraid now that I’m already decided. Okay, I must try to keep my mind and heart open. Maybe. It won’t do me any harm anyway. But I tell you, it’s hard for me.

Being with someone for me is that we don’t make demands. We don’t count on bizarre possibilities. We go on with our indomitable and self ambitious lives no matter what and when we need each other, we’ll be there for each other. There must be no suspicions and only little amount of jealousy because I find it sweet. Haha. I don’t want to be constantly asked whether I’ve been faithful. It’s just when I love someone, my feelings perfectly flow. I feel so free to show my inner emotions. That’s a great part, right?

reflections

The Church

Have you ever been in a place where everything is highly uncomfortable? I tell you, eventhough going to this place we've just went to was a long 4-hour drive, arriving at our destination somehow lifted gripped fear out the grave. We went to Pangasinan today, visited the miraculous Our Lady of Manaoag. Out in the distance, I recalled a vision, somehow familiar. It was my second time to go there.

me!

with mom and sister

Far too long, I’ve been guilty of anger inside my chest. I don't forget and it was never easy for me to forgive. I would always spend time in the secret place of my heart, contemplating when can I ever go on and forgive these people who haven’t paid enough to me, unaware of my worth as a person or for causing pain to people who are very dear to me. Also, sometimes, rather than to be genuinely thankful of the person I am now, I can’t stop it if guilt ridden fear is around, thinking and feeling sorry if someone has been cursing me for giving pain in his life.

Where she was seen before

We are all given choices. I love being with honest people. People I can learn new things from. People who are real. It’s often distressing to observe that there are people who constantly judge right away without any clear understanding of situations. Fuck them. Fuck people who are too boastful. They’d constantly narrate the saga of their lives and how they’ve worked hard for their goals. I doubt how long they will go far while being so insensitive at the same time. For me, the reality is that you can’t have achieved goals or things by yourself without the will of someone up there. He is the person that gives the opportunity and ability to you. I struggle that much and how deep my pain now is something you can’t ever see. But hopes are everywhere. I see light from people who are worthy of my attention. I’ll never silently close my heart to them.

3 candles and my 3 prayers

Why do I say these things? Several bitter circumstances have just occured. Visiting the church in Pangasinan was a great opportunity. People say that it's okay to tell the Lady about your wishes and she might grant them. Aside from other things that I've wished for, what I really want in my life right now is to forgive and to be forgiven.

I'm lazy to blog! Rarrrr so just visit thishttp://photos.yahoo.com/ying_028 for more pix. You can find last Monday's pix also (my 18th bday). Hugs!

my 18th birthday

..delivered yesterday from Mommy and Daddy...

THANK YOU!!!

Turning 18 had been a wonderful gift to me. The time I realized that it was my special day, the very moment implied gratification of all senses. Everything was closely related to the past but not identical. The contrast between wisdom and ignorance connived with my consciousness that I’ve learned many things through the years and the closing stages are far-flung.

My decision on how I am going to celebrate 19^th of October was central to drama. It involved my dilemma that I’m willing to have a formal party, with the 18 roses and everything, only if my dad could witness the celebration. For me, dancing with him on that very day will be the best gift I’d ever receive in life. It was an ongoing search for a moment with a very close person to my heart. The discordant bit that cannot make it all possible is that he’s out of the country and can’t leave work for a while for it. My inner drive to strongly support my decision came.

Here are some pictures. I can't upload all pictures yet because DSL fucked up at home and I'm at a net cafe right now...

with Tito Delfin, Tita Aida, Aim and Monica

with my girls

with my mom and sister

with Papa Jimmy and Mama Alice (my loving uncle and aunt)

I decided to stick with my plan of gathering my friends and spend my whole night with them. Last Tuesday, I went to Krocodile Grille in Greenbelt to make a reservation for next week. I told mom that that if we’ll have a dinner buffet whatsoever with our relatives, I want everything to be a simple one. Forget the getting and spending thing. I had no idea what came to her mind and I was just surprised that she had a reservation in Discovery Suites for me.

I appreciate everyone who came last night. I am very very happy. I found myself, who I am today. I owe my existence to my parents, from the day I was born, at once so delicate. The current manifestation of my character can no longer be separated from me. I still cannot win my freedom from the pain but I have to stand firmly on the ground and do what it takes to change something in this sorry world.

get real

Having bizarre circumstances trained me to familiarize what is within me. I believe that what I call for is inside me: strength, determination and stability. I can give it a go if I would want to. It’s miraculous enough to just wake up in the morning, bear in mind that madness could begin or end immediately.

I don’t say that we don’t need people. Dealings with people around develop one’s horizons and learning is endless. I can learn about myself each time I learn something new about someone. What drives me to intimately hold on to a connection, whether it is with a buddy or family member, is achieving the affirmation that I am someone worthy of time and attention; and that I’m not used only for the worth he could get from me. A personal truth can produce a false expectation (we are worthy of love) when we create it as reality. That is why often times, people go away, depressed and lonely when love is not reciprocated. What I do think about is we don’t require socializing to satisfy our basic needs. Having ourselves is enough. Imagine the end where you’ll find yourself alone, calculating the amount of wisdom gained from all experiences.

Justifying our existence can be made each time we create relationships. I try to know myself well---fully. I’ve been practicing it. I want to make sure that I can come to myself to quench my loneliness when no one else could. I don’t want to be too much of a coward when no one affirms me. I should believe that I can get any better when I have confidence to share myself openly by revealing to them my wants and needs. If ever I share my anger only to myself, I’m just decent enough to not let anyone suffer on my selfish desires. And I am doing it, see.

Be fair. That’s all I ask.

If any moment you feel that you’ll falter, you know where to find me.

freedom in the air

Electricity, water and phone fucked up yesterday due to the strong typhoon Milenyo. Whatthe. And for God’s sake, the calamity damaged the lives of many. Early in the morning, we thought about moving to my uncle’s place to save us from trouble and little inconveniences. Everything was packed up perfectly… when, dyaran! Electricity! Water! Phone! Back! Yeah, good thing everything went back to normal and that was around 8 or 9 in the morning I think. Today, temperate weather’s in the region.

I have always felt that one of the most significant things in the world is connection. To be able to converse, relate and reveal your inner side as much as you could to someone. I’ve admitted many times that I’m not friendly. I choose people I want to enter in my life and if it would require much commitment, I’d sincerely give it to them. If I don’t like you, please don’t hang around and wait for me utter a single word. I wouldn’t. People tell me things they don’t usually tell other people; maybe because I’m always prepared to offer my hand. I don’t think twice. I know right away who’s worth it.

I love my friends… I’m so in love with my friends who’ve been there to transmute this anger I occasionally feel into love. I was about to pay money for my plane tickets today because I’ll be flying in October but the system went down. I made plans about flying outside Pinas with my bestfriend but new decisions somehow broke previous plans. I have yet to see Petronas Towers. I really will. Probably, next year. Yeah! For the meantime, before this year ends, Aklan is my target place. And besides, my close friend lives there. I couldn’t wait to meet the whole familia.

I’d love to leave city life and its noise for a while. Give me a break. It contaminates my spirit. I long for different shores. I will never consider that this is all I deserve. I need new pictures with friends as we create smiles together, observe how the impact of several songs would change and breathing space will shed freedom. I yearn for peace and I’ll damn go for it. I. Can’t. Wait.

memoir

I don’t know what to call it. There’s this force that drives me easily to consider new highs. And I talk more intimately and sincerely. I imagine myself standing. The crossroads. To be devoted to something is sweeter than the agony of defeat. I still… I still move violently against my personal will. I call it my daily struggles

Who’s gonna take me to the perimeter of the abyss? Falling.. Falling…Falling in.

A lot of changes have been occurring in my life lately which means more living and less blogging. I still write, once in a while on my other journal which nobody else knows. It’s an alternative during times when I shouldn’t be extremely open. I hold back my illegal fantasies and private acts. This is still my home. No matter how frank and honest I may be frequently, the reward I get has a bang that feels right.

Three years ago, my madness for one person started. Each day, I grew weak but my feelings for the person went high. I decided to go far, stand up through my desire and understand my thoughts. I became aware. Some questions I’ve asked for so many years were answered. That was the first time I got a tongue ring and an argument with my mother. It served as a symbol for a great possibility that knocked at my doors. I desperately defended logic, not minding how I should focus on things because I was afraid to forget about the best way to create depth. We parted ways with that person unaware how my heart was damaged inch by inch. Things between us were too short but without those things; a part of me wouldn’t be strong enough to face the gates of elusiveness. I saw myself aim for something bigger, risk walking on a scorching iron, look excited as the force of destruction would singe my wholeness. All I wanted was to be remembered---by the person. And was not serious in my meditation, one day, I heard it personally, and then I left.

And right now, I still look into the flames not that terrified by the energy and power in the fire. For the second time around, summer 2006 brought into new existence my second tongue ring. The breath in my lungs reduced the slightest ache the time I had it pierced. I felt very empty. Physical pain was inferior to all things that crumbled my world. What does this piercing remind me of? I should keep it as a secret. Something similar to anguish. But on the brighter side, the belligerent act of emptiness it would always remind me of taught me several things.

I learned about God. God mesmerized our family, lured us in to give an idea how a potent strength could be received as we endure the crisis. It grabbed my attention. There were times that I wanted to cry when I shouldn’t put my fears on view. My involvement on such difficulties consumed my spirit, and I started to believe, I’ll never be the same.

Why am I saying all these? I’ve realized that two things come together: the too short or too long. They both happen. They both come and go. And the fleeting moment they bring can modify every page of our lives.

Ohhh Maria!!!!

Boo ENGLISH PAPER! Deliver me, deliver me from it! Rarrrrr. See my Masha? All mine! And I did the easiest way to get that one today. Yeeeeeheeee!!! Next target, Prince. :D

?

How many steps forward are comparable to an act which is to live fully? And one must die to realize something he can never know.

find it

This must be called a day. I slept early last night which I haven’t practiced for a long time. The moment morning came, I sensed good things coming. Today, I’ve realized that I am still a slave to emotions but the influence of my heart doesn’t bind me up in chains.

I went to R Place to get a gift for a friend and after doing so, my feet ended up entering the Nike Women store. Seeing my Sharapova, my goodness, I lost my defenses. She’s so beautiful! Right there and then, I got trapped by all marketing strategies. I won’t tell here how personal addictions became slightly impulsive! Heehee. From there, I moved to SM Mall of Asia and met an old friend.

For hours, we’ve discussed about personal matters. I’m so impressed on how I can actually always look at her and straightly tell my issues. Sensitively observing things around ultimately lead me to one profound thought. I’m so thankful that I found a friend like her. It has been eight years of letting somebody watch my soul and help me prove the strength in me. God, I love her.

She told me that it’s hard to unlearn something you’ve learned for a long time. My question is, how much more for something you’ve loved? I’ve let go. I did. At some point, I certainly believe that not everyone could understand me. I can even be called as one selfish bitch for a person! But I don’t care. I really don’t care. I just hope people won’t grasp things easily only for a fact that they see them happen and yet their minds don’t understand the story beyond. If they can’t do it, then I don’t mind also.

But everything doesn’t stop there. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I admitted them one by one. My eyes are now sharp that the hours are long; there’s a lifetime to escape from being a slave to the stupid system I allowed myself consume. I can’t take a life where walls are too narrow. I don’t want anyone to serve as destruction to my intimacy, ability to commit, and my way of letting the best in me come out. A lucid memory reminds me to remember how I got here in the first place. I don’t regret at all. It’s not always being right, following the rules and turning away from evil that could emphasize my depth and sincerity for reaching a good life. It’s my willpower to try a thing that I see is good even if others disagree. It talks about my strength of mind that no matter how discouraged I may be in the end,I knew what I wanted and made a way for it which most of the time, people don’t have courage to do so.

Life is merely walking through mazes. People come and go. I’m not anymore heavily guarded by misery and bitterness. In the end, a person will be alone and must discover the place he allowed himself to go. It’s a matter of choices.

I act on things using my gentler attitude; a new person serves as a new form of happiness. This is the kind of happiness where there is acceptance and freedom goes with it. My point is, always be ready to learn because people change, everything changes and one must adapt whether he likes it or not. We can’t stay in one place forever and expect that only a single person can change us. We must grow. We should. I told my friend that I want to give my all. And I asked a stupid question to her, “Would I do it?” I see a good thing right in front of my face, I’d like to hold it with care but won’t measure or weigh it. I’ll believe and love.

A true character begins when you’re hurting, growing and in the end, happy and contented.

i am closer to you

The chaotic current cannot divide us. I exist not to just find someone who’d keep me but rather, would love me as if I can’t find my luck elsewhere. And because I’m passionately loved, I understand things around me without the need of tears rushing down my face and fragile heart falling to pieces. You made me realize something I’ve missed all these years… All I can think about is how to make you happy. And someday, I wish that you’d look at me, tell me that I am beautiful for you know who I am, you know what’s inside my soul, and you're not bothered about the way people think I am.

ugh.

Give me a prize for being an asshole. I wanna keep it going, moving forward. Allow my past to pierce my heart nice and slow. Let it hurt me so that I don't do the same mistake again. Is it that hard to understand? I look at myself and still recognize the reflection before me. I'd like to pitch it all out and be an adult. When I apologize, it comes from my heart. I attach myself to people and they attach themselves to me. Formless situations come out and they spread distractions to some relationships. I didn’t choose to change. I didn’t choose to be this way. I’m accountable for all the actions I’ve done through the years, I won’t ever deny that. I’ve been out of my mood lately. I'll probably be back to normal again tomorrow. My over-active imagination is still here, defeating my doubts and all uncertainties. This is my new reality.

I LOVE YOU MASHA!!!

US OPEN 2006 CHAMPION!

US Open 2006

Maria Sharapova (RUS)[3] defeated Amelie Mauresmo (FRA)[1] 6-0, 4-6, 6-0 in a women's semifinal match.

GO MASHA!!! You'll make it to the top! I'm so excited! Woooohooooooooo! Can't wait to see the last match.

do you hold a powerful thing?

Sinking. Drowning. Going under. Wretched memories, days filled with sorrow, conspire with the affirmative side of desolation which is hope. Under the surface of the skin, veins become unemotional as blood continues to flow, only for the need but without the awareness of existence. The divine inspiration, a teardrop, finds a person and continuously would sing every sickening note of a song. As the future draws closer, the inscrutable significance, blurred and out of reach.

Insuperable distractions can convince how empty, unfilled, and that there’s no definitive way to impress people around. Time and time again, in the region of human beings, people fail, give up, feel sorry and yet still believe that they can be happy only that the time for it must be extended. How deeply would it hurt for things left unsaid? On the outside, a smile is depicted with pride, the might of concealing the torment, and yet sadness just sitting inches from the presence of life, often neglected and thus, the real meaning of happiness is wrongly used.

You can’t be happy when you lay blame on other people bearing the thoughts that your own self is in charge for your own actions. Obsessed with bitterness for the sake of selfish desires provides cruel thoughts for the mind, which the heart can never cleanse anymore as the presence of animosity starts to creep in. You can’t be happy if you see sex as a healthy entertainment. Wild nature implanted within human beings must be in control when one puts passion to it. The story of two souls begins when freedom had started and extended the moment love was presented. You can’t be happy when you’re not. You can’t be, when you let yourself drown and get only half of the experience. You’re not happy when you’re denied, when all your time is wasted and when nobody gets you at full price.

In the end, how cliché this sounds, but this one is true: it will always be the power of choice's dictate if you want to avail happiness.

How about me?

One thing, I am happy. I don't have a perfect love to give but I want it to be encompassing. Great things come for people who work for it.

me will be sleeping after this ;)

The aching mélange of experiences had forgotten the means to live and believe, both of which added uncertainty to her philosophy. Her false appearance expressed grief with her regret for sins. She committed them---exceedingly harmful. The smell in the car provoked that there was still a road for more. And the destructive fire, an obsession that begged to be breathed in.

Never-ending prayers mollified the silent ache; north and south moved back and forth, like her feelings, very opposite, both can’t be parallel. The tie of one tear to another tear when sundered, splits the wholeness of her torment; the only thing that was whole in her.

That was before.

I am at my best. I’m not being judged, betrayed or accused. When I produce, share my biggest part and acquire something in return, something divine, it performs with the purpose that it was made for. After a long wait, someone isn’t trying to get over on me, disgrace or take advantage of me.

I can’t manipulate feelings to my own advantage. For as long as I remember, there were several cases that I’ve been hurt by people having an important worth in my life. I’m such a drama queen, fuck it. All I know is that, what matters is our response. It’s when one pays attention, listens carefully and starts to value such difficulties. It must be done when one gets hold of the power to perform with all strength.

Dear God

Napapagod na po ako...

just a quick insight

Today has formed one thing such as life; where seconds, minutes, hours, actions, words, thoughts, emotions and people enclosed me inside a calm region. The sweetest thing. No more poems today. In no way would I write another letter that materializes how dysfunctional it is without being read by anyone. And my soul dives, drinking quickly the prevailing zeal in behalf of any causes; embracing change and difference and swarming all the troubles of the world that very soon, will be swallowed by the deep water I used to stand in.

This gives a signal that I have changed; that my dissatisfaction patterned an extensive array of new choices and decisions. And a state like this requires constant care or else, it could die rapidly, faster than my stretched arms.

I notice things I never did before. The way I perceive and respond to sensations bearing disturbances (a bit), appear to be brighter, warmer and younger. Goodbye to you ongoing depression. The harmony of things is apt to be ephemeral but I don’t care. It chose me. It contains me. Opposite feelings are far away from me.

Han tagged me! So here it goes:

Once tagged by this entry, write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about yourself. In the end of it, pick six ofyour friends and tag them! (No tag backs).This explanation must be included of course!

1. I'm truly interested in expanding my vocabulary so when I'm bored, I browse words from my electronic dictionary.

2. I'm a sentient being who welcomes and responds to sensations. What I love most? When somebody's near me and we do body language together.

3. When I'm not interested, I'm not. I don't care about any law, rule... whatsoever.

4. Summer 2006, I spent time going online from 9 PM until 3 AM or 4 AM. Whoa! I miss those days. Man, that was everyday.

5. A particular someone had given me 3 rosaries already that I'll definitely treasure forever.

6. The phoenix, a firebird is what I want to be.

Who to tag? Anyone! You're free to do so. :)

new faith

I’m no longer confined by the influence of grief and disorder of thoughts but it's still there. I’m not skilled at putting out of my mind something special, something that for a long span of time had become a part of me and established my kind of world---a variety of what I needed and what I wanted. It was exceptional and for once, the most important thing to me.

At some point, I’ve been very sorry. The spell of guilt is provided to me in abundance like you can never imagine. I’m not being blamed by someone though, yet I know that I should be mindful about these things that fell just like that and ruined one thing we shared and devoted our very best.

I was told that there must be change. In the moment of ecstasy, my insecurities were covered up with something that was eager to give me endless days of excitement. I was deeply carried away. What I have to be sorry about is the way I treated these things, meanly. Selfish motives of mine departed the most magical life given to me freely. Ugh. Magic must be gone when it has no more reason to stay. It must go to some other place, a better one where somebody else will determine the significance of its spell as he undergoes innocence, unaware of what he’ll be getting out of it. The powerless individual; there goes vulnerability when one’s power is reduced by another power or rather a spell that’s more dominant.

I was that person before, a person swayed by the greatest gift. But the rush of sinful thoughts dwelled upon me like a curse. An expression of disappointment gleamed out upon my features, proving that there was darkness within me. I’ve been terribly lost. I thought that the best way of finding my path at length was to look for some more, even for short-term without realizing how it could hurt a delicate soul.

"Remember Me This Way" Jordan Hill

You're the best friend that I've found

I know you can't stay

But part of you will never, ever go away

Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you

And hope it will come true

That life will just be kind

To such a gentle mind

If you lose your way

Think back on yesterday

Remember me this way.. Remeber me this way..

This chaos crumbles the path, a path that could decay very soon. I won't let it happen. If this is the only way I must be punished, I gladly accept it. Regret is quaking within me but peace is something that must come in that I had never allowed entering before. These sorrowful occurrences had flung against my attention that when I give this time, I should offer entirely, sincerely. My heart had now grown hard and durable. This experience is composed of glittering symbols which will serve as my guide to protect and love something or someone who is essential. To offer love even as by silence, attentive enough that I wouldn’t let somebody else’s life sacrifice for the expectation of suffering pain that I can give.

For days, I’ve been sharing a moving conversation with a friend at this coffee shop. Frankness produces our willpower to be driven, share with each other about our experiences or even bringing up things we don’t like about each other. Very true, take everything one step at a time. The problem is not how it will be easy for you to move on, but to put directions to where you’re going. Setting free doesn’t represent how ready you are to learn and accept your fate. It must be done to give better things the chance to work for you, build the new form of happiness. New love comes. And it goes. You know what’s the best thing I like bout it? When it’s there, with me. The moment I’m determined to submit my fragile heart to it, not expecting for something to be given in return. I’m happy and what’s scary about it? To miss the chance of responding to its call, unafraid to take the risk and endure the torture that may come around. The profound depth, the mystery of falling in love naturally is here. Through the whole ugliness of my mistakes, with these remorseful feelings, I think there’s no effort anymore for me to change. Someone new came and changed me. I continue the care in all good faith.

there's no phoenix here

Probably, I am overreacting. Frustration is no stranger to anyone. Someone can’t constantly position me on a certain place and observe the way I respond to some things. With so many people living in this world, can you possibly refuse yourself to get to know someone new and allow your own world get bigger?

Desire and excitement begin to creep in and we ask, “What do these things want from me?” It’s shit when we consider the thought that everything happens for a reason. That only proves that there are many things not under our control. Some people refuse to open their eyes and limit their capacity to gain some more. It’s easy for a friend to recommend the “get over it” or “it will soon end” strategy. I hope it works for some, for a person to build a genuine character. But for me, it simply doesn’t work.

All I want is to be just, to have a new beginning and a fresh start. Depth. Such thing is what I want for myself and to receive from others as well. Who in the world can accept me? Who in the world can forgive me? Who in the world can love me? Time needs to slow down a bit. For so many years, one person has been giving me the right amount of affection I should accept out of a reasonable reason: I am loved by someone who isn’t afraid to reciprocate.

I can’t go on to the next phase and compare my life to someone else. My mistakes shouldn’t bring my determination to an end. I don’t stop caring and giving. On the brighter side, I still belong in the world, not empty.

I’m in the corner and yes, I'm tired, yet my doors are positioned at a certain place where a lot of people pass by. Who would I see coming across and enter into my world with his whole heart? I give it a chance to shield myself, somehow, and say no to the hurting voice even just for now. I don’t mean that I will disconnect myself from a life of freedom and hope. I’ll always want to learn. If my own memory is the only tool I can choose to invent an event that can never happen or can never happen again, why not? Illusion can be a better option sometimes. In the first place, I expected so much... when I shouldn't.

If someone still needs to re-open my scars and step on them please, please, do it now. Do it now. Don’t wait for the moment that I can no longer feel, that I can no longer see how everything makes sense.

Maybe letting go communicates one’s strength. Maybe love isn’t enough to let someone love you freely, in an instant. Maybe some wonderful things are just meant to be discovered, not to be learned and experienced each day. Maybe I still have to be still and see if someone would let me feel useful and worthy. Maybe. Or maybe, it’s time to stand on my own two feet again.

Off the topic: I changed my hair color. This is change. Simple one.

eternal freedom

Happiness for me has been rarely attained. I felt low last Friday. My sister made plans earlier about going to the mall with her. It was the first time I spent too much for myself for a single day. I felt like I don’t want to understand some situations. I tried escaping but failed. I do stand up for myself, for my beliefs, but it hasn’t been that easy, to search for truth in life, to feel strongly about things, to let go when you must, to be hated and loved at the same time.

My energy can be somehow drained about the comings and goings that are happening in my life. Some friends are in agreement with my new decisions while others aren’t. I am the one who’ll be left with no one and nothing in the end, if that will be my luck this time, so why bother? If there’s someone who’d really want to come in, I’ll feel grateful. No one on earth is abandoned. We spend too much time to offer all our attention to something that attracts us and we capture it to experience rush motions, endless longings and striking fantasies that formulate our everyday pleasure. Do you ever imagine the time it will go? I can’t picture it now. Or I don’t want to. But I had been there and was almost at the point of jadedness. It doesn’t scare me that much. I can’t kid myself, at this point that I am putting big emphasis on connection. I build my dreams in the dark. I put passion to love and desire.

If you ask where am I in my life today, my answer will be, “I don’t know and not so aware how everything has worked out so far for me.” My ambition remains. I can’t stop. I can directly look into the mirror of truth and genuinely review the past chapters of my life. Funny, the moment I tried reading old testimonials in my Friendster account. It reminded me about lost loved ones, people who left, how I’ve been hurt and how I’ve been used. Definitely, I should strip off the things that are holding me back today and the things about me which they’ve learned to love must be eternal treasures as I embark on my journey.

My faith is being sharpened by a person, someone who can’t be outside my reality. I’m afraid that one day will come that I’ll be dropped very hard and find myself shattered in the end. Sabi nga nina D and A, “Bawal ma-excite!” I've been practicing it. My intellect demands a lot of answers by asking one simple question. I am flying without any direction, see? I’m enjoying free will. The feeling of not distanced allows me to get pleasure from trouble-free days; holding the gift of peace. Finally. Yes, I think so.

I bought two classic books and I’m currently reading Nathaniel Hawthorne’s “The Scarlet Letter”. I wanna go on to the next chapter! Boo to school papers that must be submitted. Rarrr. Ha ha.

the unknown

Someone threw care to me through the wind and just left. Fair enough because I believe, a better life awaits that person and that's one thing I cannot give anymore. I’m through with the rough patch. New strength is finally here to enjoy “one great feeling” more. To do stupid things, act strangely and offer anything from this wonderful bliss. It defeated my defenses but nonetheless, it has become a part of me; a deeper emotion. Days have been appearing gentle with their static electricity wrapping me from within. I feel a change coming though I don’t know how it would affect me and what it is really all about.

I’m walking around blind, attaching myself to what I feel and I am serious about it. This is freedom. It reminds me that I have choices. That I have options. I never really stopped hoping and believing because there isn’t anything guaranteed. Let’s see where it will take me. No matter how hard I’d try to forget it ever happened, a week filled with breathtaking moments, I won’t let it slip away that easy. It’s something. It’s beauty. It’s something---something for me to give my all.

Sssssh...

Sleeping didn’t lift up my troubles, vulnerability and moving thoughts last night. My actions must be pleasant from day to day when they don’t appear to be. I’ve been weird for the past dew days. The same person I’ve mentioned from my previous entry still needs my help and I want to be there for that person. She has been crying, separating happiness from the paradise of delight, visualizing memories she shared with the guy for they’re the only ones that appear responsive to her senses.

She asked me if I can find a girl for her. Yes, she can’t stay in one place forever but there is a road made especially for her. I didn’t use my gaydar ability. Based on the saga of her life as I’ve been witnessing it, a new possible love must begin for her (she deserves it) and it will definitely be given by a man, I believe. I made use of the time to explain further about it. I wonder why a lot of people detest homosexuality but they can’t dare not to look at it or think about it. What saddens me is when one is drawn to show his extreme dislike to ensure he isn’t like that or the other way around which is granting the other option, trying to portray one’s self as homosexual or bisexual after a great turbulence in life---breaking up with his partner. It’s a special thing exclusive to few people. Why make it as an excuse? You have to slow down a bit if your heart is capable to enter its world when it’s the one that invites in the first place. Love is all about souls and their splendor.

I find myself caught in a maelstrom of emotion, although I admit I have my own issues to be solved. Several possibilities don’t resonate when a lot of times, I wouldn’t realize about having that particular thing wanting me badly not until the anticipation for disappointment had already confined my desire to give in. My dominance to hold in personal feelings was already destroyed by an erroneous conclusion, when in fact, that certain world is one thing I haven’t crossed or stepped on with pride. To make it short, I’m not free enough to wipe away grievances by embracing magic.

Don’t ever say we haven’t experienced magic. It chooses us. We’re not well-informed about it and allowing the spell to occupy one’s self is a risky thing to do. Everything has its end and so many acts of misery and pain no matter how brief, will be done. It’s just part of the story very different from what we pictured them to be. Better not to expect. I’d rather fall to the ground with my own weight and believe that I want to see more of the world by blasting off into the next dimension.

I’ve been asked by some people how I am able to say these things using this blog. By the way I started blogging when I was in Grade 5. At home, I was raised to become conscious of the good and bad though I don’t stand for rules without deciphering first of what they tell me before exercising right away. Some rules don’t work for me so I drop them. There comes a point when I’d like to go back and be a rebel daughter again but in the back of my mind, the person I am now cares to put me into awareness how it won’t be worth it after all.

I sincerely mean every action, every word I do and say to people around me. These things give greater strength and form the story of my life. I’m never empty as new experiences are never-ending and do fill me up constantly. I’ve been a carrier of secrets having the thought that I make sure that the gentleness of my curiosity would allow someone to open up without any form of distraction. It has been working just by answering my need for others’ experiences and learning from them is my first priority. This blog is all about me and you and you and, you.

I love the metaphor of life: The unexpected twists, randomness, silence, regret, confusion, captivating helpless moments. I'm overwhelmed. Waaahooo.

when do you say it's over?

That's Emz, my soooo damn beautiful friend! Wooohoo! He went to our place today. We prepared one great celebration for him!

There are women who thrive on making men feel guilty after a game. Sure, I could be a victim of stupid games but I’m old enough to discern if something isn’t sexual, isn’t love or for God’s sake, just plain “nothing”. Women should redeem their extraordinary identity; one reason why an irresistible allure ensnares my respect and attentiveness while observing them. I couldn’t put pity on a person when she was the one who chose her fate in the first place but it doesn’t put an end to my question on why there are men who are fond of creating victims, women so to speak.

Evil pulled me down; my heart is filled with annoyance. I got a call this afternoon from a person very close to me. She asked me a favor if there’s a way I could fetch her, head home with her, after waking up from a plaything, believing that the guy loved her. As what I always say, I’m ready to beat someone in whichever way he’ll try to hurt these people very special to me. It’s a lousy thing to do, manipulating a person and getting pleasure out of a controlled response. How can you actually tell “I love you” when these three words are not in agreement? Giving the idea that there’s a relationship when in fact, you’re granting the person that power he can never possess. And lastly, building a promise but unaware of its real meaning.

People can do the best thing in this kind of world by loving one another. I witnessed her crying the moment I was there to see her. Tears wrapped her soul, one soul that had so much love to offer. If there’s a way to release the hold that guy had on her, IF ONLY! How could I? My own conviction can’t rule her life. I’d like to change her fear. I’d like to convert her pain into a brighter realization. I’d like to run away with her from this sorry world. Tough one. Very tough. There’s a sturdy force, a magnet for stitching two people and logic going into the situation is unable to help. You rarely notice it. Like other people, I’ve been dying to be influenced by the force: to “always” see the fireworks, the magic, and the brightness of every day. Probably, like her, fear is ruling my life.

Something is wrong with me (also) and it’s breaking my heart. I may want to see this person feel this affection as I do. I was told that I’m unfair and how can I possibly learn to reciprocate the love offered to me. In no way can I go farther, when I’m stranded. I can’t have everything I want. Not even peace.

whatever form of wrath!

Finally, over with the exams! I couldn’t be any happier!

I’ve been talking to some high school friends for the past few days. The feeling of security and comfort is just remarkable. The platonic level combines with my free will and it’s very liberating. They just know me very well.

I’m still fucked up. I finally have admitted to myself, I lost a good high school friend. Selfishness is deeply embedded inside her heart. I hate it, when the self-centered passion of one person has a cruel attempt to attain all passions and desires in whichever way even if it can violate the right kind of ethics and character. I’ve fallen into the trap of speaking so much about my private life to her. And dyaraaaaan, everyone knows about it now! Shit. It was evident how much I trusted her. I was dropped like hell for one reason that a kind of desire she had, I couldn’t be in agreement with. As the saying goes, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” Nothing’s bad when you flirt a little, but the danger side of it is when the overwhelming greediness can convert you to become inconsiderate. It has been depressing, people come and go; scenario vaguely tells me how I could actually go through this kind of life without these people I consider as my “friends”.

But what am I to do. Life is full of obstacles. It comes in all shapes and sizes. I believe people must say about their stories (man, so many stories to tell!!) in able to attain the level of sincerity he must provide people around him. I talk about my reality and I’m not afraid to do so. Many broken relationships are all over the place so as lonely and depressed people. The façade of anger would constantly hold up the power to forgive. It takes time, a lot of time. In my case, I wouldn’t wait for the time I’m willing to give up this anger I am feeling. I just hope that it will arrive at my doors and this bleak path will soon go away. I don’t forget easily. I just don’t.

The way people practice the art of loving nowadays appears alien to me. The emergence of such belief in connection and partnership doesn’t make any sense to me anymore. Possessiveness and lack of trust, damn, pathetic. If trust ain’t around, make me forget about the whole connection.

I’ve been carefully counting the days, the point I totally couldn’t have extreme happiness. My yearning for a promising thing, something that wouldn’t disappear easily brought me to this haze. Beauty is appealing. Sometimes, we could forget appreciating once in a while that it's mainly found in people and not in just ordinary things.

a feeling of weariness

A Supply of Misery

The stronghold of my life
Must conspire with wrath and bitterness
More words are necessary to express
One lost its meaning beforehand

It’s déjà vu
Previously been here
Fugacious smile captivates something within
Deep and peaceful flow, acuteness of hallucination

Sanctum promises freedom, urbane direct actions
My biting temper attracts confusion
And the other part of the story,
Which is Change itself

Predilection ought to be constrained
The might of my eyes expressing grief
The bragging voice and sweet words
The tender care of an aching silence

Halcyon days drawing closer
No more great quantities of ecstasy

Aliveness of luminosity,
Gentle current of sadness,
Untamed plea of freedom,
Places where I once considered home

The stable appearance of bliss left
And yet its momentary stay
Taught the dangers and nature of life

Ohhh, I took an online quiz :)

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

m a d

I can't imagine how many times I've lost it. Decisions aren't enough for my mind be in wonder. I want my body to be committed at the same time. How can I make a jump? I'm so upset; permitting my heart to get numb when someone doesn't acknowledge my need for touch and sensitivity. Look, inside my heart and you'll see addicitions, unforgiveness, pride!! All these rough edges were taken away the moment I realised that I have to change; one step at a time. Yes, I'm so fucking mad. Something happened today. One message made this day soooo hella shit. I hope the person would feel shame and guilt and couldn't escape!!

I'd like to give a part of myself having my other parts obedient as well.

Good thing, I learned two great words (both in Italian) today:

pazienza and sacrificio.

saying enough from too much drama

OPERATOR, THE LINE IS DEAD

Jason Lo

I guess I never wanted this

Another 'ever after' kiss...

Oh Operator, the line is dead

Oh no, it's only me and all the walls inside my head

And for the record I was lost

With only one road I could never cross

And that's the road that takes me here

Oh no, not again

This is where it started

I need you, I'm for you

You threw me, I caught you

Don't leave me and say that you want to find a way back

Believe me, I followed all you said...

Oh Operator, the line is dead

How come you never look away

Everybody bought but I paid

You're not the one who left me here

Oh no, that was me and all the things I wanted

But now I find you different

You broke up all the walls in my head

Please don't go

Thanks Kyels, for introducing the song to me! ;)

There are things I shouldn't take personally anymore. Damn, Aila, my best friend, I need you now. Only you could give me one heck reasonable explanation. Har har. Does saying things directly, honestly and openly could put you into harm? Well I guess, yes. Sometimes. God wants one thing for me: to be happy. It's not all the time that I can find someone eager to safeguard my shattered soul, and so by doing a single brave move for me, I feel loved and wanted. It feels so easy for me to be me. Beat that!

what a ym status!

"But only in their dreams can men be truly free." John Keating to McAllister - from the movie Dead Poets Society

You visited my dreams and the moment I woke up, something inside began to hurt. Right there, you found me guilty of something. Time is fleeting. In reality, there should be no time for dreams. What is it about you? You're probably just a dream or rather, a fantasy. But nonetheless, you set me free, once again. You take me from one moment to the next. Everything is full of surprises. You've been a gift in my life. You always execute a sweet gesture. You don't judge. I can bother you with my troubles because you listen; what an effective way to find you too attractive and charming. It has been a year, of trying to avoid this admiration I have for you.

Off the topic: I couldn't believe I've written this mushy thing before! Yes, click the link if you'd like to. It's an old entry.

the flight of chaotic wind

I wasn’t trained not to question. To be genuinely honest regarding what is inside my heart is what I want. I listen to what I have to know and can’t bear letting my mind be somewhere else. I do listen. I’ve decided that there has to be change though I couldn’t celebrate life’s indulgences yet. Not at this moment when I lost my focus on things.

Thanks to these people who took care of me and have shown great tenderness. There’s one thing dear to me which I believe hasn’t ended badly. When I let go of something, there’s this aching level of sadness that goes with it. But yes, I am not yet letting go. My rules have disappointed me though I’d still choose to locate myself at that certain position for others to examine how they should treat me.

I’d like to help people. It’s not everyday that you can let somebody else monitor if you’re passing through the right path. If you’re hurt, no one holds the responsibility for your personal pain. Some people just can’t control themselves. I do have my helpless moments and once in a while, I do travel to the stream of consciousness in order to have clear thinking. Some people want others to help them, but what’s the point when they go off to do their thing as though have never listened and the initial request made it difficult to help them. I see no point.

The act of being myself and to be appreciated by someone is wonderful. There are certain things that would draw closer to me no matter how hard I try departing in secret. I ask for the truth because denial has a way of grasping and squeezing the chest when things have to be forgotten and of course, denied. Remember, there’s no way you can run from these things.

I still have hope in my heart, it’s funny. A part that also saddens me. I found my kind of world. And I want to be part of it. I don’t want too much to spend my time in experimentation. I’m surely aware of what these results are. To that certain world of mine, someday, I’ll make it there. People would be aware that there are a lot of possibilities, that there are so many other things beyond our control. I can’t spend the rest of my life trying to please people, ending up displeased. I don’t impose my will on people but there’s this responsibility I should do to myself. Even if I'm living in my own chaotic world, on the brighter side of it, there's "chance" when I give it a try and present my own force. I won't be planning the route, I know who I am, and it's the journey that really matters.

Shit.

There are various causes for this pain I am feeling. Several people. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to cry at the suffering that has captured one’s heart. It makes me want to cry that one day, I’ll suffer badly at my own decisions. It makes me want to cry that I’ll always be incapable of complete happiness when I could hurt others out of the force which comes from my heart’s influence. If I should end up alone in the end, it’s the fear of the unknown that would rule me. The act of loss and bitterness, if should be done, how would I react? I wish there’ll always be hope no matter how foggy the direction forward is.

come and resurrect me

Damn it, yesterday was tough. I got into a disastrous conflict with some people. It was shit, man. I hate people who crave badly just to get into the social status for labels like “hottie” and “cool”. Forget them! What can someone get out of his thirst for attention that drives the need only to harm others? Popularity is transitory and fleeting. And by the way, they’ve crossed the edge of my patience. My principle cannot be disproved no matter how hard you try! And besides, I cannot believe without any doubt to all false and artificial stories (especially made) by these two morons regarding one person “very” close to me. My values taught me to recognize the difference of a firm foundation from a fake one. I do my thing. Do your “own” thing. Back off!

Regardless of some desolate moments, I’ve learned to smile once in a while. I can’t make an attempt to invent what I think others would accept. The process is hard, wrapping aggravation around me, but there is nothing wrong when I love these people beyond measure and obey my thirst. I’ve been too much of a coward to expose myself to the truth, so please, give me time.

Have you somehow felt it, I mean, you believe that emptiness is right there inside your heart? And, it’s something you can’t explain. You just feel it. I have three things on my mind right now. I still lay my bets and try winning the lottery. I do go to a fortune teller thrice a year. I don’t learn from past mistakes.

Desire for real life can sometimes be unmanageable. I’m not a god. I’ll always be searching for these things and see if they can fill the hole in my heart. It’s frustrating when the more I search, the more I get lost. In reality, I got to see that gaining money from the lottery can’t be promised, predictions from a fortune teller are true but interpretations vary that they could mislead, and it’s up to you if you want to learn (from life), yet there will always be growth in the end. It’s all about trying, believing and enduring. Of course, put God above everything; to humbly strive and reach your goals.

Dreaming is limitless. It’s a shame that sometimes I construct it as my reality already. My emotional senses are often shaken, and I can be an evil person that you’ll wonder if I’m a real Christian. I do break laws. I’m not concerned about the consequences when I believe that what I am doing is right. Let me be the one to realize on my own if it is wrong. I don’t confess my sins to a priest because I do it directly with God. I’m one sinful person so to speak, and commandments shouldn’t discipline me when I can rely on my own self to do such thing. My personal relationship with Him can’t be seen through signing of the cross or attending mass every Sunday. I serve God with my character as a person by presenting what I can give to other people freely and without reluctance.

shedding life to my dim world

Resentment and hate came back to their gods, affection enters in secret. Rambling thoughts remind me of love, not just romantic love but love in general. Why can't we practice it as an art? Wouldn’t it be great to see different colors merge, stubbornly resistant to the disarray of brightness and dullness fusion, aware if things are routinely practiced or not. I like a challenging level, genuinely reaching the hands of people.

My inner heart learned to store all worries. When I make music from it, from the deepest side, the concrete anger inside my chest converts everything into something people would love to hear in awe. I love what I love to do. I love music. I love performing with or for people. Unfortunately, I’ve been bent when some people tried to destroy the walls of my affection. Right now, this is something I don’t think I can let go of. It’s a test seeing how life rotates. I had been terribly bored for the past few days and yet, God offered me a wonderful gift last night on our acquaintance party at Virgin Café Tomas Morato.

It served as a pre-pageant competition for the Mr. and Ms. Journ (ahem, don't laugh!) and we actually got the Best in Talent award. Yipeeee!!! Regarding the upcoming pageant, I don't feel like joining it. I'm not confident in the least and it can never be my thing. Moving on, I can spend a lifetime valuing my class, especially those who were there and showed their support. Hee hee hee. Salamat Lord! I love God for being that someone who puts distinction to some things I should discover. I’m vulnerable so to speak. But thanks for protecting me… I love you!!!

I searched high and low for that particular feeling. And. I. Couldn’t. Help. It. I’m human, who’s attracted to all forms of beauty. Playing “Balisong” by Rivermaya as our first song (next was Anino by Imago); gloomy mood had been spawned by the nostalgic atmosphere present. Personally, the song contains a part of my history as a person. For whatever other reasons, these lines captured my attention, “Your face lights up the sky on the highway. Someday, you'll share your world with me someday…You mesmerize me with diamond eyes…” I don’t filter reality. An act serves as a gateway for truth and with my eyes; I select those people I’d like to spend my valued time with, someone I can derive inspiring days from. Also, eyes tease me… He he he!!!

Somewhere, someone is constantly demanding several things. Even if he sees everything, he still wouldn’t believe it at all. Sometimes, I can be that person. Or I am really that person. If seeing is believing, how far can we go for something we see which appears hazy yet powerful as its effect overwhelms us extremely?

I ended the night dancing on the dance floor with some good friends. Man, it’s ever-liberating, the pressure of alcohol upon me and of course, people who gave me the desire to dance with them.

everything's twisting

Finally, I’m restored to health. I’ve recharged energy. My body isn’t anymore pressed on all sides by some destructive forces! The new challenge is to disregard going on a diet again. I should eat the essential food for a healthy way of living. I’ll try to.

As I divulge these words, I recollect. The foundation of my life used to be built on illusion when I was a child. When I entered teenagehood, strong walls of mistakes constructed my place. Now, I feel lost. It’s like having a requirement of going back to scratch and starting all over again, but how?

The time I was very sick, a friend called me up to inform me about something. The verdict preoccupies all other options on how should I decide. Or, I’ve really made my decision. Some friends think I am dangerously in love. I am not. I’m obsessed with love.

All forms of it, name it, come on! And holla, I like flipping the pages of my life and meeting new people. If we’re friends, we’re friends. It’s unethical to fall for you. If I like you, I won’t pair it up with friendship. If my motive is to love you nice and slow, then I’ll do it. And if you say, “Hey can we be just friends?” Fuck, I can never be friendly. Thanks for telling me what you want but it doesn't mean we can share the same want. No further thoughts. I want the truth so I should also give the truth at the very beginning. I enjoy having myself and being with wise people around me anyway.

Please don’t judge how I live my life. It’s not everyday that I can try expressing my thoughts in a transparent manner. The real nature of my feelings is a strong affection. Now, the internal feelings fluctuate. I’m falling under. Believe me; I fell so hard for that person. Anonymity was hard but very rewarding. I rarely forget how I should handle my surroundings, my needs. I was tempted not by allure that wouldn’t last forever. It wasn't even because I went crazy about finding something to lust for. The authentic persona brought me in a home of wonder. You can’t blame me.

To you: But I can’t be in love when I believe it wouldn’t work. There was even a time that I wanted to discern badly, on how you see me. I was afraid that I won't be able to love someone new not until I get over you. Somebody else made it easy for me to put you out of my mind. Don’t get me wrong. I still care. I'll always do.You weren’t the one who taught me not to love you. All complications did. I’m only human who instantly surrendered to your overwhelming gravity that brought inner peace and put my life back in order. Your force, such force pulls me everyday that when I try to leave, you pull me once again. If this would formulate an open end on our very own story, please close it for me.

spero ed attendo,

The Sinner