temporary drama

Angst-ridden fear hypnotized me last night. My thinking was paralyzed and as I read some articles, I suffered deficiency to comprehend. But then again, I had to continue and maintain patience.

I can’t stand self-centered ego driven people. For the past few days, I’ve been so fucked up thinking about my friendship with someone. I wonder how the hell a person can dig up a wrong impression about me without even confronting straightforwardly. It severely lacks frankness and shit, human actions can’t be trusted all the time by just reading them. Tell me, and then I answer. Is it that hard?

Not long ago, I recovered my closeness with an old friend whom I consider very special. It’s very liberating each time I am with her and right after school, I’d usually move to their place and speak about many things. They’re all “real women” in the sense that they’re aware of the difference between “want and need”. The genuine oneness of being familiar with who I am and who they are is supreme. They’re women who don’t lay bets just to obtain narcissistic acknowledgement from others. And thus, do understand me if there’s something I cannot practice yet at the moment. I do understand them also.

Months ago, I tried speaking about my feelings to someone; describing through my actions. I received a no pity reply. I should try to act passive sometimes. I had to grind my doomed motive quickly. Truth from a person can keep my mouth shut. Charisma is truly appealing that I question why others often use it to mislead and hurt an open wound more. Look, recently, I’ve received a “persuasive” message from the same person. I contemplated for a while and didn’t reply. What can be wrong, sometimes they’re “like this” and sometimes, they’re not. The person isn't around the campus anymore. No big deal, honestly.

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh... It’s not rejection as I see it. A person can be substandard for someone and yet somebody else is capable of loving him more than he could ever imagine. Personal standards. You get me?

Pain is ever frightening. In spite of these challenges, I need to recharge. I can’t welcome broken promises, a broken heart, and deserted feelings yet. In short, I’m not a willing lover as of now. I lost courage and not ready “looking for love in all the wrong places". Ha ha ha. And if there’s even a right place for it, how do I know that it’s for me? Jaded. I have been very much captured by the mythical scene for years and the reality of most people is something else from my very own perspective.

hitting life with a bang

My strong want to play for people was granted last night at Club Halo Makati. I couldn’t be any happier. It has been almost 7 years after I first decided making a choice to learn drum playing. It’s not everyday that I can let somebody else see me play the drums. I gave my very best.

Four bands came last night. My band played 6 songs; 3 covers and 3 original compositions. Take this from me, how much I appealed requiring some muscles in support of strength each time I’d roll and revolve my drumsticks around. Breathing in an opaque fog of desire to be a man maybe? Ha ha ha! Just kidding. Generally speaking, we got good feedbacks.

Two video clips from our performance last night:
(1) Part 1 of "Anino"
(2) Part 2 of "Anino"

After the gig, around 12 midnight, I went out with my friend and headed to Starbucks near her place immediately. My thoughts proceeded to sink into a sane conversation with a person. Ahhhh… Many thoughts I’ve been carrying for days. It’s safe to unleash a heavy vaporous distress in the presence of someone you trust most.

I won’t say there’s this lack of power to stand on the ground and get a hold of several things my heart longs for sincerely. Dispatching the walls and allowing them envelop my frustration at a certain place can be a personal disaster in the future. One inspiration can turn out to be a monomania but for now, logic should colonize the head of my system and stay on the parallel level.

Disasters presumably start even on smallest things. And with the series of dramatic events that happened around me, how can I not sway trauma and release it? For whatever reason, dreaming is a solution to restore and put back into labor my evident misery. I dreamed of someone last night, probably a reflection of discouraged revelation. And on the edge of my sleep, I woke up and said silently, “Forget it.” I ponder on why my sturdy attempts to not recall can’t be possible. Yet, life seems so much like remembering all the time and in my case, uncovering the motive in my heart most of the time.

the catch of my dilemma

School started last week and it feels good to be inside a classroom, smashing the boundaries of learning. Over the course of time, bearing in mind my first year in college, I’m very much aware that nothing can bother me especially by confusion involving myself with a question if I am going to pursue the course I’m taking up.

People will usually subject it to thorough analysis. If I say Journalism, what comes into your mind? Interestingly enough, I think I’m capable of detecting the words that are on your mind.

Listen, I am attached to human race and what nature has to say to all of us. I always try to remember and refuse to forget as much as I could. All the way back to my days as a toddler, heading on to my teenage years, it will be a pleasure grasping all negative behavior of mine and the variety of fragments which modified me into a person I would love to.

I have numerous unspoken plans regarding my lifestyle after graduating and my anticipation of governing myself on my own; without my parents. I’ve found it ideal to make use of words, crafting a cosmos that I can call mine. Be in love with words and new life with intimate adventures are both part of the distance I would love people to reach. Determine the language of mind and heart. I have a high regard for people who do what they love. I go after the principle of my sister who’s a college graduate and would like to do whatever it takes to become a famous performing artist someday. Money isn’t the best thing that carries a path full of light. When one is conscious about direction and would love every minute traversing it, he’ll definitely reach the end very pleased; beyond what he presumed at the very beginning. I'll give it a go.

I don’t like the month of June!!! “Rain, rain, go away...”

One night, I told a friend how dim the skies above together with the stream of depression upon me. Whenever I try showing extreme disapproval of rain pouring down, my thoughts couldn’t accomplish take no notice of melancholy building imagination, uniting the dots of my memories when I was a child. It will always appear to be an insuperable struggle and desolation would win through over a day. Thank God, my friend reminded me that there will always be a rainbow after the rain. Smile… I could.

Photo taken last month with Lini and Mae ( I miss you gals!!! )

If I could materialize prejudice, I guess, I can develop a parade out of it. Ha ha ha. Don’t get me wrong. I learned that we are all objects of pain; only the intensity of it may differ from one person to the other. Yes, an equal opportunity on how to let it down, defeat it or get away from its unsympathetic hands. What can be bearable to you can be unbearable to me.

I don’t want to dangerously place my hope on a formless resolution of other people enlightening me to transform me into the person I am not. I’m tired explaining and I am more willing to declare things I do believe can never be stolen or damaged and these are the physically powerful puzzle pieces as a person. I travel afloat not covering up my interior. I often don’t feel comfortable discussing so many things in person, but hey, try to take a glance at my eyes and they would reveal stories for your enjoyment! :)

maintaining equilibrium

I am in my skin and one truth that I deal with my character is always there. I’m conscious of excitement which has moved elsewhere. It was never predictable but very abstract. I couldn’t seem to establish decisions. Is it wrong to desire so much for something that cannot be found in possessions, recognition and even money?

There’s a little escape I can do to end this up. Abstain myself and get ready for dark grey rain clouds cover up my world. When colors depart, I feel worthless. How can I imagine letting go of one thing very real that penetrates my soul?

For other people, it will be a strange act tolerating one heck rigorous course. I honestly think there’s no need to run away. I would like to stay as much as I could. Very often, I’m misunderstood. Man, you could’ve been me. You. Could. Have. Been. Me. Thumbs down to anyone who’d assign any label to me. I remain uninfluenced by the opinions and conclusions of the crowd declaring who I am, may it be politically or socially.

Experimenting is sweet in sound for others. It’s not for me though. Everything’s one shot and once you give in, you can closely see yourself ending up in your own grave. Reality doesn’t wait for anyone tomorrow. Fuck putting into action the more appropriate ones. For the past years I’ve sensed a foreign gift and the loss of courage expired innocent love I can offer.

It was me all the time. I worried about having no one drawing closer that I tended to search and go for them rapidly. Once in my life, magic commanded me to love yet the ever present pain directed me to pay attention why I can’t have everything and that I should never stop trying and believing of the perfect idea that it will all account to something great in the end.

To you: How good flesh and blood present at all times of precious memories. Hell why? Dear, you are so far. Can the world offer the same force at two different places? It’s not the worst that could ever happen as I observe couples around me. I’m very much in love with people loving each other. Now I can tell, I'm in love. Ha ha ha. Distance generates my future of being with you sitting quietly and safely. Dreaming permits me to expect and look forward to all possibilities. Tell me, when do I need to wake up? I might be forgetting it all the while. It doesn’t annoy me much determining the degree of longing to have someone discover my innermost feelings and never fail to send it through actions. I'd love it to be you. For now, it’s not wrong to slake desire and give my heart a break, right? Let me sing these lines to you, "And my love for you is still unknown. Till now I always got by on my own. I never really cared until I met you. And now it chills me to the bone. How do I get you alone?"

i'm just like a race car making it to the extremes

Photo taken @ Glorietta 4

Darkness flickers that I am lost decoding some voices I couldn’t understand. I can never be notable acquiring an instant success just because I’ve sensed truth out of my assumptions. Man, I don’t do such thing. I never assume for the best guess can lead me to a much more nameless crushed world. Get lost more, huh? No way.

Days have appeared interesting to me. I had to rebuild my thirsty hair and get a treatment for it. Going out with my mom has been a habit. I accompanied her to some places without hesitation that I got a bonus! She bought new items for me. To a much more motivating instance, I spent more than saving money in the past. I’ve just got a new bank account and more or less, I’ll be the one who’ll go on deposit some money from my allowance.

My body suffered soreness last night and the moment I arrived home, I positioned myself in bed right away. I should call it extravagant exhaustion. It stopped the flow of energy; I recharged my being another time. How the hell did I think of so many ways to cease a downpour of difficulties? Dramatic events ensnared me for several days that I was entirely disturbed finding myself crying all expressions of grief. Fuck it. I “was” emotionally and physically tired.

That point isn’t something preferred though I believe I constantly draw them closer and so often I feel cursed. I had felt such feeling not only once, or even twice but so many times. I’m not almost hopeless having the fact that there are still people around valuable for me to keep. Thank you!

I may have focused and multiplied misery. Sorry, the show must be over. I need to. Forget the drama queen. It isn’t good to live in an incomprehensible losing world. I sundered from it. It exists to losers and hey, we are all winners right at the very beginning. A form of entanglement can seize the worth out of hardships so never drown yourself and die. A combat mission is truly exciting and full of meaning.

Evaluating the measure to radically begin a new connection is not my thing anymore. My friend gave me a notice last night, “Don’t rush, please. I’m worried.” Each conversation I carry with a friend can be very argumentative. What’s certain is that I can feel lost once again. I’ll make sure this time to catch the right signals and not only that, go discover for more without fear. Just never stop putting out of my mind that I can subdue damaging occurrences no matter how enthralling a brief exciting moment could ever be.

The sun and moon could both rise at the same time. If this is mere fantasy, I don’t care but I believe it to be true. I experience it. My family overwhelms me at this very moment. Hey, dad is home! And as I do orbit with one person far away, I don’t seem to be extremely distanced. I can say each day, "I belong."

playing in the fields

Have you ever felt rage spinning slowly that you toil intently for it to stop? By no means would it let you breathe and gulp whatever air is present around you. I perfectly believe that sometimes, we can’t control everything. If you must let violent anger come out and explode, then you definitely should free them.

From time to time I ask myself if I just don’t know how to interpret one’s certain way of thinking. So often, it would end up unjustly diminishing fondness on our cherished connection. Furthermore, how can one person would manage to become unaffected as he gets pleasure from hurting someone?

I simply do not get it.

my new desktop wallpaper (reminds me of one song Barbie dedicated to our lord)

"PLAYING IN THE FIELDS" by Barbie's Cradle

It's Your might, it's Your crown

You're the one who is praise worthy and not me

My life is in your care, I've no reason to be scared

Coz You are there

And we're playing in the fields

I know, we're flying all day

And I've seen the secret of the light

It's hard to believe but I wish they would see it

The pain appears brutal and very difficult to heal. You attempt making an effort for repair but you simply can’t when you’re powerless. Every fragment lacks harmony with others, given to cause tears that place their own unnerving ache while running down your face. You think about it, that same anguish occupying your totality. May it be your parents directing you to follow (when you’re only beginning to discover your individuality), brothers and sisters gradually stab you in the back (that you turn out very suspicious even of other people who can love you greater than they do; if they do!), acquaintances gossiping about your private life and other shitheads who formulate erroneously another you from your very own genuine character.

Slap my face! The void in one’s heart can never stumble on the gates of perfect happiness by letting temporary things be in control of your performance as a person. Evil is a contagious substance and love alleviates any form of bitterness. It learns to forgive and trust once again no matter how the heart had suffered an entire loss. Beware of the greatest frauds of all time. Some of us may try giving in to falsehood for one reason that we don’t know who we are.

To one person: Go fabricate your outward appearance others may fantasize about, but poor you, someone up there can see you and would love a pure heart more than anything. I suppose, His true followers will do the same thing.