Electricity, water and phone fucked up yesterday due to the strong typhoon Milenyo. Whatthe. And for God’s sake, the calamity damaged the lives of many. Early in the morning, we thought about moving to my uncle’s place to save us from trouble and little inconveniences. Everything was packed up perfectly… when, dyaran! Electricity! Water! Phone! Back! Yeah, good thing everything went back to normal and that was around 8 or 9 in the morning I think. Today, temperate weather’s in the region.
I have always felt that one of the most significant things in the world is connection. To be able to converse, relate and reveal your inner side as much as you could to someone. I’ve admitted many times that I’m not friendly. I choose people I want to enter in my life and if it would require much commitment, I’d sincerely give it to them. If I don’t like you, please don’t hang around and wait for me utter a single word. I wouldn’t. People tell me things they don’t usually tell other people; maybe because I’m always prepared to offer my hand. I don’t think twice. I know right away who’s worth it.
I love my friends… I’m so in love with my friends who’ve been there to transmute this anger I occasionally feel into love. I was about to pay money for my plane tickets today because I’ll be flying in October but the system went down. I made plans about flying outside Pinas with my bestfriend but new decisions somehow broke previous plans. I have yet to see Petronas Towers. I really will. Probably, next year. Yeah! For the meantime, before this year ends, Aklan is my target place. And besides, my close friend lives there. I couldn’t wait to meet the whole familia.
I’d love to leave city life and its noise for a while. Give me a break. It contaminates my spirit. I long for different shores. I will never consider that this is all I deserve. I need new pictures with friends as we create smiles together, observe how the impact of several songs would change and breathing space will shed freedom. I yearn for peace and I’ll damn go for it. I. Can’t. Wait.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
memoir
I don’t know what to call it. There’s this force that drives me easily to consider new highs. And I talk more intimately and sincerely. I imagine myself standing. The crossroads. To be devoted to something is sweeter than the agony of defeat. I still… I still move violently against my personal will. I call it my daily struggles
Who’s gonna take me to the perimeter of the abyss? Falling.. Falling…Falling in.
A lot of changes have been occurring in my life lately which means more living and less blogging. I still write, once in a while on my other journal which nobody else knows. It’s an alternative during times when I shouldn’t be extremely open. I hold back my illegal fantasies and private acts. This is still my home. No matter how frank and honest I may be frequently, the reward I get has a bang that feels right.
Three years ago, my madness for one person started. Each day, I grew weak but my feelings for the person went high. I decided to go far, stand up through my desire and understand my thoughts. I became aware. Some questions I’ve asked for so many years were answered. That was the first time I got a tongue ring and an argument with my mother. It served as a symbol for a great possibility that knocked at my doors. I desperately defended logic, not minding how I should focus on things because I was afraid to forget about the best way to create depth. We parted ways with that person unaware how my heart was damaged inch by inch. Things between us were too short but without those things; a part of me wouldn’t be strong enough to face the gates of elusiveness. I saw myself aim for something bigger, risk walking on a scorching iron, look excited as the force of destruction would singe my wholeness. All I wanted was to be remembered---by the person. And was not serious in my meditation, one day, I heard it personally, and then I left.
And right now, I still look into the flames not that terrified by the energy and power in the fire. For the second time around, summer 2006 brought into new existence my second tongue ring. The breath in my lungs reduced the slightest ache the time I had it pierced. I felt very empty. Physical pain was inferior to all things that crumbled my world. What does this piercing remind me of? I should keep it as a secret. Something similar to anguish. But on the brighter side, the belligerent act of emptiness it would always remind me of taught me several things.
I learned about God. God mesmerized our family, lured us in to give an idea how a potent strength could be received as we endure the crisis. It grabbed my attention. There were times that I wanted to cry when I shouldn’t put my fears on view. My involvement on such difficulties consumed my spirit, and I started to believe, I’ll never be the same.
Why am I saying all these? I’ve realized that two things come together: the too short or too long. They both happen. They both come and go. And the fleeting moment they bring can modify every page of our lives.
Who’s gonna take me to the perimeter of the abyss? Falling.. Falling…Falling in.
A lot of changes have been occurring in my life lately which means more living and less blogging. I still write, once in a while on my other journal which nobody else knows. It’s an alternative during times when I shouldn’t be extremely open. I hold back my illegal fantasies and private acts. This is still my home. No matter how frank and honest I may be frequently, the reward I get has a bang that feels right.
Three years ago, my madness for one person started. Each day, I grew weak but my feelings for the person went high. I decided to go far, stand up through my desire and understand my thoughts. I became aware. Some questions I’ve asked for so many years were answered. That was the first time I got a tongue ring and an argument with my mother. It served as a symbol for a great possibility that knocked at my doors. I desperately defended logic, not minding how I should focus on things because I was afraid to forget about the best way to create depth. We parted ways with that person unaware how my heart was damaged inch by inch. Things between us were too short but without those things; a part of me wouldn’t be strong enough to face the gates of elusiveness. I saw myself aim for something bigger, risk walking on a scorching iron, look excited as the force of destruction would singe my wholeness. All I wanted was to be remembered---by the person. And was not serious in my meditation, one day, I heard it personally, and then I left.
And right now, I still look into the flames not that terrified by the energy and power in the fire. For the second time around, summer 2006 brought into new existence my second tongue ring. The breath in my lungs reduced the slightest ache the time I had it pierced. I felt very empty. Physical pain was inferior to all things that crumbled my world. What does this piercing remind me of? I should keep it as a secret. Something similar to anguish. But on the brighter side, the belligerent act of emptiness it would always remind me of taught me several things.
I learned about God. God mesmerized our family, lured us in to give an idea how a potent strength could be received as we endure the crisis. It grabbed my attention. There were times that I wanted to cry when I shouldn’t put my fears on view. My involvement on such difficulties consumed my spirit, and I started to believe, I’ll never be the same.
Why am I saying all these? I’ve realized that two things come together: the too short or too long. They both happen. They both come and go. And the fleeting moment they bring can modify every page of our lives.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Ohhh Maria!!!!
Boo ENGLISH PAPER! Deliver me, deliver me from it! Rarrrrr. See my Masha? All mine! And I did the easiest way to get that one today. Yeeeeeheeee!!! Next target, Prince. :D
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
?
How many steps forward are comparable to an act which is to live fully? And one must die to realize something he can never know.
Friday, September 15, 2006
find it
This must be called a day. I slept early last night which I haven’t practiced for a long time. The moment morning came, I sensed good things coming. Today, I’ve realized that I am still a slave to emotions but the influence of my heart doesn’t bind me up in chains.
I went to R Place to get a gift for a friend and after doing so, my feet ended up entering the Nike Women store. Seeing my Sharapova, my goodness, I lost my defenses. She’s so beautiful! Right there and then, I got trapped by all marketing strategies. I won’t tell here how personal addictions became slightly impulsive! Heehee. From there, I moved to SM Mall of Asia and met an old friend.
For hours, we’ve discussed about personal matters. I’m so impressed on how I can actually always look at her and straightly tell my issues. Sensitively observing things around ultimately lead me to one profound thought. I’m so thankful that I found a friend like her. It has been eight years of letting somebody watch my soul and help me prove the strength in me. God, I love her.
She told me that it’s hard to unlearn something you’ve learned for a long time. My question is, how much more for something you’ve loved? I’ve let go. I did. At some point, I certainly believe that not everyone could understand me. I can even be called as one selfish bitch for a person! But I don’t care. I really don’t care. I just hope people won’t grasp things easily only for a fact that they see them happen and yet their minds don’t understand the story beyond. If they can’t do it, then I don’t mind also.
But everything doesn’t stop there. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I admitted them one by one. My eyes are now sharp that the hours are long; there’s a lifetime to escape from being a slave to the stupid system I allowed myself consume. I can’t take a life where walls are too narrow. I don’t want anyone to serve as destruction to my intimacy, ability to commit, and my way of letting the best in me come out. A lucid memory reminds me to remember how I got here in the first place. I don’t regret at all. It’s not always being right, following the rules and turning away from evil that could emphasize my depth and sincerity for reaching a good life. It’s my willpower to try a thing that I see is good even if others disagree. It talks about my strength of mind that no matter how discouraged I may be in the end,I knew what I wanted and made a way for it which most of the time, people don’t have courage to do so.
Life is merely walking through mazes. People come and go. I’m not anymore heavily guarded by misery and bitterness. In the end, a person will be alone and must discover the place he allowed himself to go. It’s a matter of choices.
I act on things using my gentler attitude; a new person serves as a new form of happiness. This is the kind of happiness where there is acceptance and freedom goes with it. My point is, always be ready to learn because people change, everything changes and one must adapt whether he likes it or not. We can’t stay in one place forever and expect that only a single person can change us. We must grow. We should. I told my friend that I want to give my all. And I asked a stupid question to her, “Would I do it?” I see a good thing right in front of my face, I’d like to hold it with care but won’t measure or weigh it. I’ll believe and love.
A true character begins when you’re hurting, growing and in the end, happy and contented.
I went to R Place to get a gift for a friend and after doing so, my feet ended up entering the Nike Women store. Seeing my Sharapova, my goodness, I lost my defenses. She’s so beautiful! Right there and then, I got trapped by all marketing strategies. I won’t tell here how personal addictions became slightly impulsive! Heehee. From there, I moved to SM Mall of Asia and met an old friend.
For hours, we’ve discussed about personal matters. I’m so impressed on how I can actually always look at her and straightly tell my issues. Sensitively observing things around ultimately lead me to one profound thought. I’m so thankful that I found a friend like her. It has been eight years of letting somebody watch my soul and help me prove the strength in me. God, I love her.
She told me that it’s hard to unlearn something you’ve learned for a long time. My question is, how much more for something you’ve loved? I’ve let go. I did. At some point, I certainly believe that not everyone could understand me. I can even be called as one selfish bitch for a person! But I don’t care. I really don’t care. I just hope people won’t grasp things easily only for a fact that they see them happen and yet their minds don’t understand the story beyond. If they can’t do it, then I don’t mind also.
But everything doesn’t stop there. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I admitted them one by one. My eyes are now sharp that the hours are long; there’s a lifetime to escape from being a slave to the stupid system I allowed myself consume. I can’t take a life where walls are too narrow. I don’t want anyone to serve as destruction to my intimacy, ability to commit, and my way of letting the best in me come out. A lucid memory reminds me to remember how I got here in the first place. I don’t regret at all. It’s not always being right, following the rules and turning away from evil that could emphasize my depth and sincerity for reaching a good life. It’s my willpower to try a thing that I see is good even if others disagree. It talks about my strength of mind that no matter how discouraged I may be in the end,I knew what I wanted and made a way for it which most of the time, people don’t have courage to do so.
Life is merely walking through mazes. People come and go. I’m not anymore heavily guarded by misery and bitterness. In the end, a person will be alone and must discover the place he allowed himself to go. It’s a matter of choices.
I act on things using my gentler attitude; a new person serves as a new form of happiness. This is the kind of happiness where there is acceptance and freedom goes with it. My point is, always be ready to learn because people change, everything changes and one must adapt whether he likes it or not. We can’t stay in one place forever and expect that only a single person can change us. We must grow. We should. I told my friend that I want to give my all. And I asked a stupid question to her, “Would I do it?” I see a good thing right in front of my face, I’d like to hold it with care but won’t measure or weigh it. I’ll believe and love.
A true character begins when you’re hurting, growing and in the end, happy and contented.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
i am closer to you
The chaotic current cannot divide us. I exist not to just find someone who’d keep me but rather, would love me as if I can’t find my luck elsewhere. And because I’m passionately loved, I understand things around me without the need of tears rushing down my face and fragile heart falling to pieces. You made me realize something I’ve missed all these years… All I can think about is how to make you happy. And someday, I wish that you’d look at me, tell me that I am beautiful for you know who I am, you know what’s inside my soul, and you're not bothered about the way people think I am.
Monday, September 11, 2006
ugh.
Give me a prize for being an asshole. I wanna keep it going, moving forward. Allow my past to pierce my heart nice and slow. Let it hurt me so that I don't do the same mistake again. Is it that hard to understand? I look at myself and still recognize the reflection before me. I'd like to pitch it all out and be an adult. When I apologize, it comes from my heart. I attach myself to people and they attach themselves to me. Formless situations come out and they spread distractions to some relationships. I didn’t choose to change. I didn’t choose to be this way. I’m accountable for all the actions I’ve done through the years, I won’t ever deny that. I’ve been out of my mood lately. I'll probably be back to normal again tomorrow. My over-active imagination is still here, defeating my doubts and all uncertainties. This is my new reality.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Saturday, September 09, 2006
US Open 2006
Maria Sharapova (RUS)[3] defeated Amelie Mauresmo (FRA)[1] 6-0, 4-6, 6-0 in a women's semifinal match.GO MASHA!!! You'll make it to the top! I'm so excited! Woooohooooooooo! Can't wait to see the last match.
Friday, September 08, 2006
do you hold a powerful thing?
Sinking. Drowning. Going under. Wretched memories, days filled with sorrow, conspire with the affirmative side of desolation which is hope. Under the surface of the skin, veins become unemotional as blood continues to flow, only for the need but without the awareness of existence. The divine inspiration, a teardrop, finds a person and continuously would sing every sickening note of a song. As the future draws closer, the inscrutable significance, blurred and out of reach.
Insuperable distractions can convince how empty, unfilled, and that there’s no definitive way to impress people around. Time and time again, in the region of human beings, people fail, give up, feel sorry and yet still believe that they can be happy only that the time for it must be extended. How deeply would it hurt for things left unsaid? On the outside, a smile is depicted with pride, the might of concealing the torment, and yet sadness just sitting inches from the presence of life, often neglected and thus, the real meaning of happiness is wrongly used.
You can’t be happy when you lay blame on other people bearing the thoughts that your own self is in charge for your own actions. Obsessed with bitterness for the sake of selfish desires provides cruel thoughts for the mind, which the heart can never cleanse anymore as the presence of animosity starts to creep in. You can’t be happy if you see sex as a healthy entertainment. Wild nature implanted within human beings must be in control when one puts passion to it. The story of two souls begins when freedom had started and extended the moment love was presented. You can’t be happy when you’re not. You can’t be, when you let yourself drown and get only half of the experience. You’re not happy when you’re denied, when all your time is wasted and when nobody gets you at full price.
In the end, how cliché this sounds, but this one is true: it will always be the power of choice's dictate if you want to avail happiness.
How about me?
One thing, I am happy. I don't have a perfect love to give but I want it to be encompassing. Great things come for people who work for it.
Insuperable distractions can convince how empty, unfilled, and that there’s no definitive way to impress people around. Time and time again, in the region of human beings, people fail, give up, feel sorry and yet still believe that they can be happy only that the time for it must be extended. How deeply would it hurt for things left unsaid? On the outside, a smile is depicted with pride, the might of concealing the torment, and yet sadness just sitting inches from the presence of life, often neglected and thus, the real meaning of happiness is wrongly used.
You can’t be happy when you lay blame on other people bearing the thoughts that your own self is in charge for your own actions. Obsessed with bitterness for the sake of selfish desires provides cruel thoughts for the mind, which the heart can never cleanse anymore as the presence of animosity starts to creep in. You can’t be happy if you see sex as a healthy entertainment. Wild nature implanted within human beings must be in control when one puts passion to it. The story of two souls begins when freedom had started and extended the moment love was presented. You can’t be happy when you’re not. You can’t be, when you let yourself drown and get only half of the experience. You’re not happy when you’re denied, when all your time is wasted and when nobody gets you at full price.
In the end, how cliché this sounds, but this one is true: it will always be the power of choice's dictate if you want to avail happiness.
How about me?
One thing, I am happy. I don't have a perfect love to give but I want it to be encompassing. Great things come for people who work for it.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
me will be sleeping after this ;)
The aching mélange of experiences had forgotten the means to live and believe, both of which added uncertainty to her philosophy. Her false appearance expressed grief with her regret for sins. She committed them---exceedingly harmful. The smell in the car provoked that there was still a road for more. And the destructive fire, an obsession that begged to be breathed in.
Never-ending prayers mollified the silent ache; north and south moved back and forth, like her feelings, very opposite, both can’t be parallel. The tie of one tear to another tear when sundered, splits the wholeness of her torment; the only thing that was whole in her.
That was before.
I am at my best. I’m not being judged, betrayed or accused. When I produce, share my biggest part and acquire something in return, something divine, it performs with the purpose that it was made for. After a long wait, someone isn’t trying to get over on me, disgrace or take advantage of me.
I can’t manipulate feelings to my own advantage. For as long as I remember, there were several cases that I’ve been hurt by people having an important worth in my life. I’m such a drama queen, fuck it. All I know is that, what matters is our response. It’s when one pays attention, listens carefully and starts to value such difficulties. It must be done when one gets hold of the power to perform with all strength.
Never-ending prayers mollified the silent ache; north and south moved back and forth, like her feelings, very opposite, both can’t be parallel. The tie of one tear to another tear when sundered, splits the wholeness of her torment; the only thing that was whole in her.
That was before.
I am at my best. I’m not being judged, betrayed or accused. When I produce, share my biggest part and acquire something in return, something divine, it performs with the purpose that it was made for. After a long wait, someone isn’t trying to get over on me, disgrace or take advantage of me.
I can’t manipulate feelings to my own advantage. For as long as I remember, there were several cases that I’ve been hurt by people having an important worth in my life. I’m such a drama queen, fuck it. All I know is that, what matters is our response. It’s when one pays attention, listens carefully and starts to value such difficulties. It must be done when one gets hold of the power to perform with all strength.
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