shedding life to my dim world

Resentment and hate came back to their gods, affection enters in secret. Rambling thoughts remind me of love, not just romantic love but love in general. Why can't we practice it as an art? Wouldn’t it be great to see different colors merge, stubbornly resistant to the disarray of brightness and dullness fusion, aware if things are routinely practiced or not. I like a challenging level, genuinely reaching the hands of people.

My inner heart learned to store all worries. When I make music from it, from the deepest side, the concrete anger inside my chest converts everything into something people would love to hear in awe. I love what I love to do. I love music. I love performing with or for people. Unfortunately, I’ve been bent when some people tried to destroy the walls of my affection. Right now, this is something I don’t think I can let go of. It’s a test seeing how life rotates. I had been terribly bored for the past few days and yet, God offered me a wonderful gift last night on our acquaintance party at Virgin Café Tomas Morato.

It served as a pre-pageant competition for the Mr. and Ms. Journ (ahem, don't laugh!) and we actually got the Best in Talent award. Yipeeee!!! Regarding the upcoming pageant, I don't feel like joining it. I'm not confident in the least and it can never be my thing. Moving on, I can spend a lifetime valuing my class, especially those who were there and showed their support. Hee hee hee. Salamat Lord! I love God for being that someone who puts distinction to some things I should discover. I’m vulnerable so to speak. But thanks for protecting me… I love you!!!

I searched high and low for that particular feeling. And. I. Couldn’t. Help. It. I’m human, who’s attracted to all forms of beauty. Playing “Balisong” by Rivermaya as our first song (next was Anino by Imago); gloomy mood had been spawned by the nostalgic atmosphere present. Personally, the song contains a part of my history as a person. For whatever other reasons, these lines captured my attention, “Your face lights up the sky on the highway. Someday, you'll share your world with me someday…You mesmerize me with diamond eyes…” I don’t filter reality. An act serves as a gateway for truth and with my eyes; I select those people I’d like to spend my valued time with, someone I can derive inspiring days from. Also, eyes tease me… He he he!!!

Somewhere, someone is constantly demanding several things. Even if he sees everything, he still wouldn’t believe it at all. Sometimes, I can be that person. Or I am really that person. If seeing is believing, how far can we go for something we see which appears hazy yet powerful as its effect overwhelms us extremely?

I ended the night dancing on the dance floor with some good friends. Man, it’s ever-liberating, the pressure of alcohol upon me and of course, people who gave me the desire to dance with them.

everything's twisting

Finally, I’m restored to health. I’ve recharged energy. My body isn’t anymore pressed on all sides by some destructive forces! The new challenge is to disregard going on a diet again. I should eat the essential food for a healthy way of living. I’ll try to.

As I divulge these words, I recollect. The foundation of my life used to be built on illusion when I was a child. When I entered teenagehood, strong walls of mistakes constructed my place. Now, I feel lost. It’s like having a requirement of going back to scratch and starting all over again, but how?

The time I was very sick, a friend called me up to inform me about something. The verdict preoccupies all other options on how should I decide. Or, I’ve really made my decision. Some friends think I am dangerously in love. I am not. I’m obsessed with love.

All forms of it, name it, come on! And holla, I like flipping the pages of my life and meeting new people. If we’re friends, we’re friends. It’s unethical to fall for you. If I like you, I won’t pair it up with friendship. If my motive is to love you nice and slow, then I’ll do it. And if you say, “Hey can we be just friends?” Fuck, I can never be friendly. Thanks for telling me what you want but it doesn't mean we can share the same want. No further thoughts. I want the truth so I should also give the truth at the very beginning. I enjoy having myself and being with wise people around me anyway.

Please don’t judge how I live my life. It’s not everyday that I can try expressing my thoughts in a transparent manner. The real nature of my feelings is a strong affection. Now, the internal feelings fluctuate. I’m falling under. Believe me; I fell so hard for that person. Anonymity was hard but very rewarding. I rarely forget how I should handle my surroundings, my needs. I was tempted not by allure that wouldn’t last forever. It wasn't even because I went crazy about finding something to lust for. The authentic persona brought me in a home of wonder. You can’t blame me.

To you: But I can’t be in love when I believe it wouldn’t work. There was even a time that I wanted to discern badly, on how you see me. I was afraid that I won't be able to love someone new not until I get over you. Somebody else made it easy for me to put you out of my mind. Don’t get me wrong. I still care. I'll always do.You weren’t the one who taught me not to love you. All complications did. I’m only human who instantly surrendered to your overwhelming gravity that brought inner peace and put my life back in order. Your force, such force pulls me everyday that when I try to leave, you pull me once again. If this would formulate an open end on our very own story, please close it for me.

spero ed attendo,

The Sinner

dot

I’m lacking spirituality these days. I don’t want to choose which one is stronger. My exterior illustrates things about me, but it’s not likely you’ll know who I am, unless you begin digging dipper. What about those things dwelling in my heart for decades? Should I just cover them with anger all the time?

“Distant Fingers” – Patti Smith
When, when will you be landing?
When, when will you return?
Feel, feel my heart expanding
You and your alien arms

Deep in the forest I whirl like I did as a little girl
Let my eyes rise in the sky looking for you
Oh you know, I would go anywhere at all
'Cause no star is too far with you, with you

It’s good being a mad person all the time, however, still able to discover people who could win my attention. I’m not friendly, one reason to be amazed when at one point, my doors would open; let somebody else get hold of the softest part of me. I remember these people all the time. One’s pain brings tears to my eyes. I can try not to heal one’s pain so I’m not alone dealing with pain. But I can’t. I just can’t.

Try Patti Smith's (70's) music. Very poetic rock 'n' roll, man.

Oohhh Vienna Teng!!!

How long can I go on with common cold, cough and fever? Rarrrrr. My body is still being attacked by some forces that make me pale and weak. I press myself though to go to the university with my wish to sustain this energy left. Strangely, this is my struggle! Ha ha ha!

The first sway of wonder and appreciation hits my mind listening to some female singers nowadays. I have a secret audience in my mind that is pleased each time songs from Vienna Teng, Tori Amos, Ani DiFranco, Joan Armatrading, Sheryl Crow and Sarah McLachlan would be heard. Over the years, Michelle Branch’s songs are buried as valuable treasures in my chest.

Very appropriate for the moment are Vienna Teng’s songs. The heart and mind dominance conquers my deepest desires. Her songs are full of meaning and interesting to the point that they tempt my being and wipes away the melodramas of my life. Deep thoughts slide next to me; satisfaction appears exclusive, but in reality, it’s challenging to arrive at that state.

Vienna Teng - Eric's Song (my favorite!)


"strange how you know inside me
I measure the time and I stand amazed
strange how I know inside you
my hand is outstretched toward the damp of the haze"

Vienna Teng - Enough To Go By


"would it be enough to go by
if there's moonlight pulling the tide
would it be enough to live on
if my love could keep you alive...
so carry the weight
carry the weight of me in your heart
carry the weight
carry the weight of me..."

Vienna Teng - Between


"freedom is being alone
I fear liberation but something more alive than silence
swallows conversation
no pleasing drama in subtle averted eyes
the swelling fermata as the chord dies... "

Vienna Teng - Harbor

"sail your sea
meet your storm
all I want is to be your harbor
the light in me
will guide you home
all I want is to be your harbor..."

Joan Armatrading - The Weakness In Me

"Why do you call me when you know I can't answer the phone
Make me lie when I don't want to
And make someone else some kind of unknowing fool
You make me stay when I should not
Are you so strong or is all the weakness in me
Why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by
But I mean to see you
And I mean to hold you, tightly.."

Tots, this one's for you...

If things were less complicated, I’d love you the way you’ll never forget as I’ve promised. But I have yet to question the world. I believe we can have our own time, our own season, when the world can no longer question how can we be happy when we disobey its own rules. One day, they'll understand us. That we exsit. That we're for real. That we can love selflessly. That. We. Are. Normal. My love seems to be overflowing that I’m willing to give it in any way. I had never felt what I felt for you. I can’t take it if I lose you; now that your presence rests in my heart. I never fought before. I’ll tell you when I’m ready. I’d take that chance for us.

I want to enter the ring of fire and find myself coming out dancing.

Punyetang buhay minsan. Okay lang naman masaktan, huwag lang sana "ganon". "Sana" ang sinabi ko. Mundo, sana tao ka na lang. Tapos mag-uusap tayo. Ang dami kong gustong itanong!!

Superman Returns

It’s no secret anymore that Batman is my first love when it comes to action figures. I never really enjoyed playing with dolls even when I was still a child. All my friends could tell how I can nearly go frantic about him that very often, I’d get Batman stuff as a present. In spite of being a Batman fanatic, I wanted to develop a sense of entitlement to watch Superman Returns. Starring Brandon Routh as Clark Kent and Kate Bosworth who’s listed on my top 3 Hollywood actresses as Lois Lane, it can absolutely be very overwhelming to elicit lovely fantasies in my mind while watching! My curiosity was grasped for a couple of times that I decided going to a movie house with someone quickly today.

Some stuffs in my room..

Superman doesn’t belong to humanity yet desires to work alone saving the world. The Man of Steel is the savior of men that his charisma gushes forth like temperate oil. His bodily muscles manufacture him as someone physically attractive, and the pride in him challenges the evil, lures injustice to surrender. On one hand, he’s like a persona of an alien not well connected to people. Still, he has the ability to instantly acquire trust from them the moment he flies and rescue those who are in need of his help. I can tell you, he’s passionate to the core. The part of the movie which includes romance in his saga made my mood a bit cheerless.

His mysterious disappearance for five years confused the city of Metropolis and served up the unkindness of love to Lois Lane, a journalist for the Daily Planet. It’s true that distance can fracture some relationships. For this case, Superman didn’t even say his goodbye to the love of his life and just left. His silence made Lois disappointed, without any knowledge if Superman belongs to her or will never belong to her again. The genuine hope flew by some means, and the moment Superman came back, she’s engaged and has a son already.

I don’t think Superman is selfish. We can never know how heavy his heart was the time he had to go away from the Metropolis. It might have been filled with guilt, bitterness and loneliness. Who knows? The man is no more a hero? Don’t think that way. Sometimes, people should go when they can no longer supply your needs. They may try as much as they could but to the point that will no longer gratify what you really require for. People do change when things around them modify resulting in consequences they can’t agree to anymore.

Ah… distressing. Goodbye is unspoken yet a highly aching subject. A lot of people would agree to the notion of some people leaving without even saying goodbye. And when the person comes back, expects that nothing has changed. How pathetic, right? Very unfair to the side of Lois who waited and tried so hard to move on and go on with her life without her Superman. Life is just like that.

Somewhere deep in my conviction lies the truth that Superman is a real hero. I can't be like him who's ready to sacrifice my personal happiness for everybody else's. He can never have Lois. His power keeps him in a condition which is to protect human kind all the time. So what do you say?

pawning off negative behavior

It’s a bit confusing how people appeal to me. I’m ultimately focused on their reactions that could sometimes not pass my standards yet I pay respect and eventually learn from them. We don’t have classes today. It’s raining hard. Here comes the struggle of my conscious mind.

I went straight home yesterday and didn’t have time to hangout with some friends. Yes, I’m falling under the grip of this fuckin’ life but I can’t give up. I’m still happy. Someone IS making me so damn happy without the need to order me masquerade myself into someone I’m not.

I was delivered from the sweetness of rebellious teenagehood. It's over. I dread about starting a fight or entering one. It became very upsetting to hear from the person (mentioned earlier) who has a very charming and charismatic personality, that she was terrorized with some offensive words. To the idiot: Back off!!! I won’t bitch about you heartless people. All I can say is, F you!

One day, I asked myself why the Big Boss did choose this terrain of life for me that often lead to complexity. Does my spirit speak for itself? I don’t enjoy lying. Being honest is a sensible act to sway rational people though I’d get hold of wrath each time heartbreaking words are thrown to me. I wonder how many people have reached my destination without even realizing it. Where does my question begin and end?

A lot who've been categorizing my radical ideas as pointless ones plagues me today. I’ll do what it takes to see myself happy and my beliefs can’t be yet reputed. Are these people born that way or society molds them? Cruel. Very cruel. My emotions have erupted and bang. At present, I do feel absent from the home of my heart which is my family. Forgive me. I do love you nevertheless.

I’ve found trust in my friends. I value you guys. I understand how some couldn’t help me sometimes when their lives get in the way, but frequently, they do listen. They accept me and aware that I’m very much annoyed to people who care about me only to use me for their own needs in the end. How many more should I meet who have no ability to show love, care, consideration and compassion?

a high level of fantasy

I am hanging on and waiting to be well soon. Common cold plus slight fever, how bad, right? I don’t take any medicine, though I drink salabat, plenty of water and eat some fruits. I’m very much familiar with the need for time. Want to get well now!!! Argh.

I’ve been thinking about some personal beliefs. I’m learning from life. Meaning, I’m discovering from “the best”. How many times have I said that I’d like to give up? No, not anymore. It’s wonderful to get the message out of personal principles that have transpired the moment shared with people. Whatever possible alarm or whatever emotional baggage, the fire is burning once again! I’m strong enough this time… I should be.

Now playing...

"Silent All These Years" by Tori Amos
I said sometimes I hear my voice And it's been here silent all these... Years go by Will I still be waiting For somebody else to understand Years go by If I'm stripped of my beauty And the orange clouds Raining in head Years go by Will I choke on my tears Till finally there is nothing left One more casualty You know we're too easy easy

Considering all possibilities, one day, I dream flying to L.A. or New Orleans. Basically because of the need to expand the sphere of my life. Someone’s going to be with me anyway. Wooohoo. Some friends also, if they’ll push through with it. My present will one day become my past. This present? You mean, “this one”? I’m so mad whenever some people of this country habitually judge, to the point that I feel so deeply flawed. A lot of personal issues to unravel. I’d rather not only deal with them on my own but at the same time, extract some more from what I’ve understood. And hopefully, uncover truth. God, do assemble everything for me and bring in this future dream to my life. Grant my wish and let it be my present someday! 10 years? 20 years? I can wait. "We" can wait. I wish! I wish!

let me fly

Dad left Pinas :(

Since the time I learned bout my dad’s international work, I knew that the value of a father couldn’t be replaced by anything. Dad had worked in different places outside Pinas. Those were the days I could’ve said about dreams, failures and jokes personally with someone very special who’d never make me feel stupid or embarrassed.

Distance has the capacity to fill the void in my heart for completeness each time I feel my love for my father inside my heart, encouraging me to live and be thankful. When we headed to the airport yesterday afternoon for Daddy, I thought years I cried without him have solidified tears I could shed. Hey no. Physical changes may have eventually appeared in my life but not emotional changes. I saw myself with the “cry baby” who’ll be waiting with her mom and sis for Daddy to come home by next year.

Constant sacrifice. I’m a fan of my father when it comes to patience and strength, you know.

Jeni celebrated her 18th birthday last night.

I was very happy seeing my barkada and some members of 4L Pets way back senior year. Aieen, Kris, Loren… where are you guys?! We tried replaying all events of the past. They’re so damn real hard to digest. Ha ha ha. Life goes on. Some of us may have involved ourselves in sensitive situations we can’t cancel out anymore but we'll always be there for each other. I wish I could protect my friends from the interests of others who would want to give it a try hurting them. Quality is extremely irreplaceable and I will never go for quantity.

I’ve heard enough of the latest scoops in our batch. We ended the night throwing jokes. I avoided the appeal of all the highs and drunkenness. I made a promise to myself, do not come into the gates of reckless living again. Friends teased me, “May thing kayo niyan before diba?” My senses used to be perfect every time I’d see someone attractive and I couldn’t help to feel completely dismantled. Fuck, I’m not coward to speak for myself anymore and sing, “O tukso, layuan mo ako…” Ha ha ha. Enough is enough. I can’t be a slave to blind attraction. And besides, I’m very much contented with my life right now. I guess I’ve surrendered to the real sense of security.

God, allow me to become faithful with what you’ve given me. You know me. I’m very honest and open with you that I’m often lost on my own. You accept me nonetheless. I’m so tired running from the unidentified, explanations and cruel judgments. Someday, I’ll be the person I want to be, right? Right? Be with me. Stay with me. Accept me. Forgive me. Love me. Let me feel the kind of serenity I’ve never felt in my life before. Please.