my dinner with him

I felt such a wicked freak - and the spell lasted for an hour. What?!

The idea of letting a guy have the consent to get close to me is uneasy.

He told me, "Pare, okay lakad natin ah? Pare?"

I stared angrily.

"Ay pangrakista kasi noh?" he added.

Silence. Complete silence.

Words produced by my mouth the moment I was talking to him:
bolero ka siguro.
babaero ka siguro.
sure ako dun.

Glad, I smiled.

5 years passed until another guy headed me home safely.

Emotive Shots

I changed the link to

http://photos.yahoo.com/ying_028

What I did today...

--000--000--000--000--000--

a selfish act

To move on from the possessions of the past deflects the shedding of tears for unsuccessful romance. I do remember but do not let my mind dwell to a place that cannot sustain the existence of my affection.

I may have looked for several ways to expedite the remaining feelings yet somehow destroyed to become successful. Apparently, I did.

I should disagree with the statement "My best friend is the only person who knows the real me." Beyond my tangible flesh and agile soul, I came to know that a lot of people crossed the point that my defenses had protected for a very long time. Like a supernatural being, I sense my true identity. For others, they do not need to seek for the removal of my top secret but they see me feel good about myself.

I heard from the radio, "It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for who you are not."

(That's me! Taken last year. Look at my hair!)

Don't wait for me to converse anything when I know that you might be wasting my time. Allow me to have a discussion with you when I feel it. I guess that is the extensive amount of being true.

(Physics time last year. Mystified love. Successful in the end. Memories!)

As I was walking with some blockmates to buy myself a siopao, a friend told me how miserable she feels for a lost love.

Visualizing the old memories which you give in while admitting the defeat and still, you gain nothing as if the suffering carries on your remaining hope. Painful, isn't it?

Paraphrased:

I told her, "Don’t mind it. I mean, I've been there."

I didn't want to sound mushy.

"And, yes. I am just the person who can't prolong the desires of my heart when the person does not yearn for me anymore. I would love to suffer only if I know that it is part of the process of the never-ending connection."

I am selfish for the person who is also selfish. Love which I believe is superior to everyone else in the world. It is an emotion which is the evidence of human craving.

It is the depth of loving that allows us to encounter certain factors, BUT, heading to that direction---often undistinguished. Love does not only entail pain but suffering on the other side. Having emotions recognizes the constant sacrifice we undergo.

We gain from it. I believe that love is often selfish. The powerful love we have for a person digs up the wants to get a hold of his everything. We succumb to selfishness - the person is only exclusive for us. We allot our whole trust and, we also give the person the power to fail us or hurt us in the end.

Proper reciprocation is needed.

Okay then. When we give in to the dictates of assigning our wholeness to the person, we give. That is not a selfish act, right?

Did I also say that love is selfish? Oh, love can be selfish.

Please tell me what you think.

Off the topic:
Funny when someone told me before that I stutter when I am infront of someone enchanting on my eyes. The vision starts to be tasteless when I become nervous. Not anymore now. Trust me.

Just nothing...

Today @ Starbucks with my sister Xtel and Averee

marriage

Know all about About your reputation And how it's bound to be a heartbreak situation But I can't help it if I'm helpless Every time that I'm where you are You walk in and my strength walks out the door...baby you're the right kind of wrong... (RIGHT KIND OF WRONG Leann Rimes)

I made the drawing using Corel. That's me!

I was asked about my stand on same-sex marriage. By applying all the means of trying to be a sophisticated person careful passing on an answer, honestly, I don't agree with same-sex marriage.

I need not to involve myself to some educational efforts to support my stand.

2 reasons:
1. Straight marriage will be less meaningful when same-sex marriage takes a course on the equator.
2. Children must see role models who are not made up or imagined but do exist through their parents at home.

I would love to think that I can handle everything except the need to take care of somebody else in the future.

KRISTANNA LOKEN COMES OUT "The relationships I have had with certain women have been much more fulfilling, sexually and emotionally, than of those with certain men," Kristanna tells Curve. "I connect with an aura, with energy. And if the person with whom I connect happens to be a female, that's just the way it is. That's what makes my wheels turn."

Until now I do not know the real constitution of a certain label (bisexual/lesbian/gay). If we are to abrogate such behavior away from the norms of the society, coherence is what we seek and thus, it has to do with trust but not complete confidence. The rules of love were united not until when codified.

Is that the reason behind the breakup of Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt? Ms. Aniston fell for another woman but her fear suggests her to deny it to the public that praises her.

I still go for Angelina Jolie (awww) and Kristanna Loken of course.

I am currently in love with Tracy Chapman's Change. Click here to see the lyrics.

february 14

What is special about this day? When I go out, I will see couples everywhere and their constant distribution of flowers and chocolates.

What I remember every 14th of February:
1. first (might be the last... Only a joke!) dinner date with a guy when I was 13 years old
2. my sense of sight on daisies
3. my need to use psychological compensation

I'd love to listen on an mp3 player for others to perceive directly, "Leave me alone."

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
Share your love to everyone!

my actions tell me what i want in life

The week asked a lot of hard work from me. For JOURNALISM subject, we have to conduct an interview. A short notice (like 2 days?) put in difficulty to the interviewee of our choice.

I got the idea of interviewing Carlo Lorenzo from my friend Denise. He is a reporter from Niccolo Cosme who is a freelance photographer is a cousin of my friend BJ. BJ connected me with Niccolo's contact number and informed him about my request right away. He agreed. Like, wow. Niccolo's photos are all stunning and in style. Add the admired celebrities who appear on some of his photos so to speak. Need I say more?

I arranged a meeting with Niccolo which we had last Friday at Seattle's Best in Greenbelt. Together with Chinky, we did the interview. Chinky was the one who held the camera to capture a video of the whole interview. Niccolo was a warm person and attractive the first time we met him. I am totally fulfilled to have known a person like him who has the eye for photography (noting an answer from him).

My other groupmates, Keri and Yohann reached Makati a few minutes after Niccolo's interview. We wandered the mall and ate dinner together. Upon going home, we tried to bring the day to its end by taking shots of ourselves in Greenbelt.

Tomorrow, we will be presenting in class a movie clip featuring Niccolo Cosme. I allotted my whole dedication building that movie clip. Yesterday, my groupmates came over to help me out on the interview part of the clip since I finished the short introduction wherein Niccolo's photographs will be flashed. I so love my groupmates who inspired me so much with motivation and how they helped me composing and putting together everything on that movie clip.

This morning, I went to Starbucks with Av. I brought my laptop with me to start writing for my ENG subject and for other things. Nothing can beat a coffee shop’s ambience. When I am there, I feel my existence. I make believe to be away from city life. I sometimes hate noise which deprives me from constant concentration when I write and think. I love to talk and be heard easily without so much effort. My computer makes me complete ever since.

Courage

Today, I took a photo of my friend's crush (with all his knowledge). Most of you might think that I must have engaged myself in humiliation. But I didn't feel that. Not even a bit.

A friend of mine told me before that when you feel the sudden rush that makes you want to do something you fear, go for it. Your purpose comes together with your actions in motion. All I wanted was to see my friend happy for her to never forget about me. So what's wrong taking a picture of her dream boy?

Brainless? Stupid? Dense? No way. I love foolish things. They pour out reason and let you move forward to keep things in your memory which you will never forget in your entire life. They are cherished no matter what. They continue to live even if you choose to regret them most of the time.

As long as you don't cause a wound to(offend) anyone, you are sincere to your own self and the world is constantly faithful to you.

I am a big fan of beauty whether it may be something physical or the inner part. I'm grateful that God made each person something he must show the world to inspire others on each day of their lives. When I'm physically attracted to someone, I let the person know. If someone is gifted, I pay praise. And I have a thing about a nice person.

Self-satisfied and proud people are dust on my eyes. They go far only on their eyes as they fail to see the world that starts to send them away.

It is a risky thing to do and I needed to swipe it away today. I'm contented on the top of my lungs. I get the better of "I do this because it's the right thing to do" attitude and made a promise to look for own character.

Currently, I'm an unresponsive ass to someone. I don't free myself from being connected once again. New people can want me to live through their shadows. By really knowing who I am can never be an adequate amount. I showed interest and fondness to one person but (to you----you know who you are), don't ever think to revive what I've started to before.

The Wowowee Ticket

I didn't want to discharge my ears from the news when I was informed about the stampede that happened at the PhilSports Arena. Wowowee had the objective of making many Filipinos happy even for just a single day. My eyes took a larger view on my countrymen. Death is not the thing they should encounter that particular day, but I guess, only the hands of cash prize. They may either win and jump with high spirits or lose and go back to the normal routine of life which is to not have money for food.

Equal opportunity doesn't exist in this society.

The arrival of my thoughts doesn't dwell on the evident carelessness of ABS-CBN. Recover from blaming ABS-CBN. At least, they had the intention of transforming some lives of unfortunate people, only that they failed. The people who died held the key to arrange our inner selves.

I heard from my sister that she was told by her friend (who works in a credit card company) that Richard Gutierrez most likely spends P20,000 per day out of his credit card. For Wowowee people, before winning P20,000, they had to feel first the high temperature of the sun, suffocate a bit and the worst thing, unanticipated death for them.

ABS-CBN's Wowowee started the best way to help but failed. The network will learn and that's certain. But for us, when? When can our financial system pull through? Shame to the hands that manipulate the nation. We haven't started at all.

OFF THE TOPIC:

Nothing in this life at this present time can go better than the feeling of being appreciated. When someone has confidence in the things I'm going to say when he shares me his problems, the fact that trust has been launched earlier, intensity styled on each word I am to give is unbound to progress.

You know who you guys are. I will always keep and learn from the stories of your lives. Thank you so much...

The process comes back to me like a twosome matter. I carefully listen and make the biggest effort to become the best person to be asked. Gaining the knowledge of uncommon situations, I also see how a lone emotion would rise above. And that thing nonetheless is love.

The moment we usually feel that we exist in this world is whenever we give ourselves to others. May it be even for the smallest thing yet a mighty one for some future adjustments on how we are to live in the next few days and an unexpected change in the world we live.

Unexpected? I am a fan of it. It's a stimulant for me. Regular days do exist so I always give out my best to uncover a grand revelation out of them. But I don't want to pressure up my life. A smile isn't used to seal a miserable soul. Attach a symbol to the real meaning of it. So when I'm sad, I don't want discussions. Silence, I don't talk. When I'm happy, I speak, smile and feel deep inside my heart the spirit of happiness that dumps stress and pessimism.

I can't wait to give simple gifts to my close friends on February 14. Money for my food and things isn't mine; they are my parents'. Love is the thing which is really mine and to share it will instill nourishment in my life.

The Next Pop Superstar

My sister has started to make the approach and let the structure of her dreams come true. As her sister, my support for her cannot and would never be absent. Morning of this day, I went with her for the Pinoy Pop Superstar registration in GMA 7. Thus, today I believe, can be the beginning of vast changes in her life for a person like her with an extraordinary talent in singing.

When we arrived there, numerous people were in the line looking forward for their luck to be accepted for the search. The scorching heat of the sun started to burn our skins. Lucky, we brought umbrellas with us.

There was this good-looking man who came near us and asked about the line arrangement. My sister recalled that the guy became her classmate in DLSU. They started to engage themselves in a conversation.

I told my sister that I couldn't pay no attention on the guy's face. My sister gave me a word of warning. I should see the fine-looking boyfriend of the guy.

Silence. I should back off.

Gates were opened for us at 11something. The staff said that only participants for the audition could come into the room. I had to act as if I'll be signing up so that I wouldn't be left outside and try to enjoy the misfortune presence of the heat of the sun.

Was I tensed? The audition can never be for me.

(Application on my hand)
Why are you joining Pinoy Pop Superstar?
(something like...) to make my dream of becoming a star come true…
Wtf, I never thought of becoming a star.

Song for the audition:
Firewoman by Hungry Young Poets
Did I say a song from Barbie Almalbis' former band?! I sing and can carry a tune BUT I am not the person like my sister who has all the potentials of becoming a diva.

The staff gave us a quick orientation and said that the audition is scheduled tomorrow. Without unwillingness, I crumpled the application right away. Oh yes, I won't be forced for the audition. My sister will be the only one who will go back tomorrow for it.

I know that she will make it.

Renz asked me via sms if I can meet them up at Starbucks (Taft). I arrived there first and had to kill time for their delayed arrival. I'm sorry, but I'm the person that has weakness when it comes to waiting. I told them that I can't really wait. I headed to the place they told me to go for me to see them.

With (the best pare ever) Mitchie

Mitchie, Meeee, Trina

Rendi Boy and Tom

Drinking session happened at our building (condominium)'s rooftop. We romanticized at the striking view upon our arrival and then formed a circle to drink.

With Renz, Tom, Mitchie and Trina around me, my problem of world-melancholy didn't reach my destination.

don't watch me die

(Photo taken last December before my sister's show. I want to see her sing and perform again... That may let me feel happy just like that...)

I didn't have a good sleep last night. I woke up at around 4 in the morning and texted some people on my phonebook. I knew the tough chance of getting a reply. I got nothing to do. I wished to take it easy. Every thought must turn to its rest.

I remember a weird realization of mine before. The things we want will take a hard time for us to get them while the things we need (for nourishing our souls) are there no matter how cruel they may be. I wanted sleep last night and my yearning ended up aggravating my troubled mind. It wasn't easy. Shit things are not what I want. Why are they here? If they will partake in my growth, that serves as a relief. Maybe I really need them. I start hoping.

On my way home, I took a jeepney ride. A young girl with a dirty body entered the jeep creeping. She had a rug on her hand and started to clean each passenger's pair of shoes. What a pity. One day, I told my mom how I
m so affected with a prostitute's way of living. I consider some of them clean, I tell you. This day made me head on to another mark. Unfortunate kids may need me. A month ago, I asked Kythe (an organization for cancer patient kids) how can I volunteer. They scheduled me a one-day volunteer work with the kids last January but I failed to attend due to scheduled exams in school. I contacted Aklatang Pambata a week ago and this Saturday will be my first volunteer work. I don't want a total change yet. Change alone can work at this point.

Today in school, we had to present a short play in LIT. The class was divided into two groups. Our group was the first to present. I got the role of a 3-year-old girl. Too bad, I had to act. Argh, I wouldn't know how I looked like. Was I that shit? Anyway, I want to be like the little girl, so young, undeveloped and still on her way to choose the person she will be in the future.

"TO THE END" My Chemical Romance If you marry me, Would you bury me? Would you carry me to the end?(So say goodbye) to the vows you take(And say goodbye) to the life you make(And say goodbye) to the heart you breakAnd all the cyanide you drank.

Dear you,

I am more confused than before. Nothing else matters whenever the two of us are together. Each day, two options are available to me; to settle down all by myself or with only the two of us. As I disclose every emotion to you, I am fully aware that I am in safe hands.

Right now, my chest is so heavy. I caught unkind words. They are that harmful that they ate up my system. Why not believe that I have changed a lot? Not a soul could ever enter my life, I know that. That makes the reason why I’m always afraid that I may be missing someone out there. My defenses are all set, so prepared to wipe away my attraction to anyone. So why bother at all?

I know, you don't intend to make me miserable but I undergo disorder and I'm so affected with the things uncertainty gives me indirectly. Should I give you up? No one else could love me the way you do. Am I someone who doesn’t know how to love anymore? Or have I lost you as the object of my affection?

I was never free...

TO THE FRIEND I LOST

I am waiting for a certain moment sometime this month of February and I'll have my tongue piercing back for it. From my previous journal entries on my former blog, I've realized that I appear to be someone who has nothing to keep. I've been very open regarding my sentiments. I don't make available to public my personal life; only a part of it. These things are not my totality, please try to remember.

I learned by heart how to recollect all the things we shared from the first time we met. And that moment so to speak, made me believe that our friendship is never-ending. This longing presses on questions needed to be answered. I lack a solemn way to understand and a trouble-free way to let this emotion go. I miss someone. Undemanding, I would love to be with him. I know there is no more time available for my wish. I do not see him anymore.

I will never fall for a friend and that promise of mine has never been broken. For me, it will be unethical if I will let my defenses be fond of eyeing on a friend. How come he never told me? The purpose of him was there right at the very beginning. How come? Should I point a finger to my insensitiveness?

One night he confessed. I told him I don't believe in courtship and how I see it as "pakitang-tao". I explained that he is a friend; nothing more. Days drew closer to me as school work in height. The air sustained each conversation we had before as our breaths pronounced to each other the things we had on our minds. Now, to reminisce is the only thing I can get from everything. I used to be the person he would love to be with for companionship's sake.

I lost a friend. For him, did he also lose a friend or only a scheming thought potential love?

Bad.

I will never fall in love with a friend - never. Why can't we be friends still after all?

Several days and weightless feelings were rapid. I know someone out there is ready to catch me but there's this feeling inside me that will prefer to live on my own just for a brief time. Not being selfish. Give me my own time for my own self please.