don't watch me die

(Photo taken last December before my sister's show. I want to see her sing and perform again... That may let me feel happy just like that...)

I didn't have a good sleep last night. I woke up at around 4 in the morning and texted some people on my phonebook. I knew the tough chance of getting a reply. I got nothing to do. I wished to take it easy. Every thought must turn to its rest.

I remember a weird realization of mine before. The things we want will take a hard time for us to get them while the things we need (for nourishing our souls) are there no matter how cruel they may be. I wanted sleep last night and my yearning ended up aggravating my troubled mind. It wasn't easy. Shit things are not what I want. Why are they here? If they will partake in my growth, that serves as a relief. Maybe I really need them. I start hoping.

On my way home, I took a jeepney ride. A young girl with a dirty body entered the jeep creeping. She had a rug on her hand and started to clean each passenger's pair of shoes. What a pity. One day, I told my mom how I
m so affected with a prostitute's way of living. I consider some of them clean, I tell you. This day made me head on to another mark. Unfortunate kids may need me. A month ago, I asked Kythe (an organization for cancer patient kids) how can I volunteer. They scheduled me a one-day volunteer work with the kids last January but I failed to attend due to scheduled exams in school. I contacted Aklatang Pambata a week ago and this Saturday will be my first volunteer work. I don't want a total change yet. Change alone can work at this point.

Today in school, we had to present a short play in LIT. The class was divided into two groups. Our group was the first to present. I got the role of a 3-year-old girl. Too bad, I had to act. Argh, I wouldn't know how I looked like. Was I that shit? Anyway, I want to be like the little girl, so young, undeveloped and still on her way to choose the person she will be in the future.

"TO THE END" My Chemical Romance If you marry me, Would you bury me? Would you carry me to the end?(So say goodbye) to the vows you take(And say goodbye) to the life you make(And say goodbye) to the heart you breakAnd all the cyanide you drank.

Dear you,

I am more confused than before. Nothing else matters whenever the two of us are together. Each day, two options are available to me; to settle down all by myself or with only the two of us. As I disclose every emotion to you, I am fully aware that I am in safe hands.

Right now, my chest is so heavy. I caught unkind words. They are that harmful that they ate up my system. Why not believe that I have changed a lot? Not a soul could ever enter my life, I know that. That makes the reason why I’m always afraid that I may be missing someone out there. My defenses are all set, so prepared to wipe away my attraction to anyone. So why bother at all?

I know, you don't intend to make me miserable but I undergo disorder and I'm so affected with the things uncertainty gives me indirectly. Should I give you up? No one else could love me the way you do. Am I someone who doesn’t know how to love anymore? Or have I lost you as the object of my affection?

I was never free...