firewoman, dont water down desire

Yesterday, I accompanied a friend to see a doctor. Take note, I had to get annoyed, scream and frighten her a bit first (ha ha ha) for her to comply with my will. Her ill health has been disrupting daily commitments and we must inquire about the medication to follow. My pediatrician had moved to the States and I don’t know any other healthcare professionals. I called up UST-H and asked for recommendation.

The ride to the hospital was exasperating brought by traffic and scorching heat of the sun. Her head when held by my right shoulder, I observed one face with no makeup, pale lips and silent suffering. The doctor said that all symptoms explain viral infection but there’s nothing to worry about. She can definitely free herself of such illness the natural way. Thank God!

From the hospital, we had the idea of going to Popstar. We sang couple of songs. I tried searching for Firewoman on the list of songs, not there, boo. Belinda Bye Bye was a better alternative and all songs from Barbie Almalbis.

Barbie let her Belinda go and the song explains why. The soldier tattoo on her chest fits her. She may have that feminine look but the inner strength she has is captivating. She knew how to move me in the direction of discovering more things about myself and to never ever stop learning.

Av surprised me with this stuff from EK. Wooohoo!

I still think of you.
You left a shade on my veranda today. One spirit speaks, devoid of moderation as you breathe in the gelid weather, I offer you warmth. You held the soil and crumpled, raging against one misfortune. One step forward, I saw you and then, faltered. Could anything be more horrible? Instead of you, I have this, and all enlivening pieces to put together.

I feel so safe.
I was so young that time, in my bed, covered by a sheet of comforter. The scenario given can put to vision how I felt inside. I used to hide the real side of mine for safety. You started asking things for me to answer. I found myself uncovered when I opened up to you everything about me. You were there and you never left me. I told you how weird I would always feel about myself, in return you said, I am authentic. You called me by the nickname “Free” for the first time. From that day on, I knew it. Our friendship will never end and I shouldn’t be afraid to be myself.

Hold on.
How do I start? See, I’m tensed. Would you calm me again? A smile from you (my eyes couldn’t quite get in touch with) should be called beautiful as I've named every part of you. I would hold you against your will and love you the way you’ll never forget. I suffer another attack of affection at this point---something versed in many languages I doubt if you'll ever get to learn or know. I’ll hold on to this spiritual form of vice. If sooner you’ll be too painful to handle, would I let go? Maybe I should but I don’t want to.

for bebi

Ask me one thing I like about her. She couldn't love less.

scarlet sins

One luculent feeling entwines with something that discourages a deep slumber. Beneath the untamed thoughts, I try to get hold of the influence a high ground can ever offer, without any laws of losing, falling short and a sudden collapse.

Even the slightest warmth from you creates artistic taste withdrawing my fear. All of a sudden, farewell is intransigent from time to time. I imagine days with you, most of the time I was greatly romantic and proud of it. No one else can hold me close, admit defeat and shower me hope for a future separation from the conventional principle of the society. Whenever we are together, devoid of exclusion and heartless judgment from others, if I say world, from side to side, we are both selfish. We hold hands and run away.

If I come back to that kind of globe, will you lead me to a much more brilliant path? Why does beauty break easily? If I can let something in, let it be impossibility. Don’t deny the catastrophic substance of the world. I reflect on sensing one realm of vagueness I haven’t been planning to consider.

There goes bliss. There goes denying of truth. There goes the arrival of theoretical heartbreak. Something I can’t see, touch or hear but I realize the emotions of being loved or maybe, just wanted. Those things go around me, there’s even a better love I can give than this. And as I draw nearer, I’m unaware of things I am short of. No hunger. No thirst. No complication. It’s heaven. My eyes fantasize so late each night but at least, this new craze sets a limit from tough reality and paints a reason for me to wake up each morning. Oh, goodbyes love me so much! They may even be just around the corner but I don’t mind them unless they start to massacre this new life I’ve just found. I may have a weakness for being alone, yet a selfless heart, isolated, could be found again someday.

I don’t want to spoil the purity of your love. You’re the accurate person I would learn to love again. You know me; I never learn from past mistakes. Is another shot worth a try? I don’t think so. If I learn to love you once again, I should detach myself first from the voyage of my imagination. I recover my freedom and retrieve all I can ever get. I don't feel I have something to offer, but rather, more to lose. Look, here I am, drained and unfilled. So where’s the large quantity of affection you told me I can provide you?

I can make it to the critical hole, as I may surrender once again, one sinful move for one reason that you are tempting me. There wasn’t any love lost, only malfunction. I try to forget and erase how it felt, but I couldn’t do it fully because you restored my “I love you” and reawaken those three words at a great distance from how I see you right now. I listen to songs and to my surprise, new form of hope often intrude on my eyes. The significance has changed, undergoing paranoia, wanting to love someone else new but I couldn’t, unless true love begins to exist, and is so much greater than this doubt I undergo.

Off the topic: I don't like to have a dim template anymore. I removed the tag-board too.

reflect on uncertainties

I have been attracting pain, misery and difficulty for weeks but don’t suffer that much. The most evil act I can ever do is failure to maintain my sleeping habits I had before. I stay up dreaming and fighting for so many things. The abandoned feeling floats and I love it. I love possessing my thoughts, manipulating them and dealing with them. I couldn’t allow someone else do that again for me.

I’m becoming selfish, probably. I learned that fear is something that should suggest us what to do and never let it appear as a barrier. The consequence that will occur could deliver us into something we loathe to bear. Modification shapes difference. Adaptation is the key. I’m used to denial and rejection. Whenever people do that to me, on the other side, I become more skilled at loving, allowing my feelings to just flow, fill up an invisible jar. I refuse to say that they aren’t painful at all. I don’t notice the emptiness inside, unmindful where can I ever get the power to offer without anyone answering back the procedure. Could it be possible that recognizing the real side of mine is enough at this moment? I think it is. That’s the fuel that tolerates my drive.

This is the state that works for me now. We can’t stay in one place forever, right Denise? I’ll drop all these as soon as I figured out the lesson. Objects react upon objects. I hell commit myself into something formless, dedicate and allot logical answers. Something better may come. I must be patient.

I had chest pain last night and it’s associated with the kind of heart disease I have which was detected last year. Those irregular heart beats won’t let me die young, I assume. I took a rest for a while and listened to some songs.

Inside I was a child that could not mend a broken wing

Outside I looked for a way, too teach my heart to sing
No I've never been afraid to cry, now I finally have a reason why

I'll remember
(I'll remember)

~"I'll Remember" Madonna

That’s a song dedicated to my mom. I asked her to listen but she didn’t pay much attention to the lyrics. Aww. In the nearness of her sight is our trademark, all- time theme song, “You Were There”. What made my day so poignant yesterday was when I shared with someone those ordinary, horrific and remarkable happenings that I had with people. I didn’t manage to sum up one long narration without crying. I was cleansed. The words "strength" "love" "save" and "change", are important to appreciate at length from the song “I’ll Remember”.

I so love the magic of love. It’s a matter of self-discovery. I hate to embrace anyone just because of the need. I threw a joke on my friend yesterday and told her that I haven’t been taking care of myself for the past few days because I believe someone out there must do that for me. Ha ha ha. I miss the feeling of waking up with all awareness that I get to let someone smile.

A fall down is inevitable. New connections are certain. You go to one place and do interrogation and suddenly you’re attached with one another. For a few weeks, you learn more about the person and the other discovers the thing that makes you tick. All these don’t serve as guidelines to sex or relationship for that someone might just need friendship and the whole package of being friends.

Saguijo here I come!

There are so much more things which I need to learn about myself before I mold confidence then try giving myself fully to a person of my standard in the future. I’m so attracted to one’s intelligence, loyalty and authentic experiences he can share with me. And yet, I can mess them up by appearing so difficult to be read. I shall offer directness and clarity, hoping someone will not only understand but love me for who I am.

Sorry if I'm too wordy. This is not for the audience. I don't even know who really gets to read this and understand with interest. This is my journal and I deserve the courage back like the blogger I was before.

lost and found

Poem I wrote last week:

"Fill Me Up"
Boring walks refrain from hasty intake of happiness
under the influence of despair
Combining the blurred and real
comes up a mysterious liking
Perdurable moments of sincerity,warmness and devotion
together with life’s shifting hands
Gloomy the sky, life hasn’t changed at all
my life is you, you are with me
The soft susurration of desolation
at a distance, crushed by the unheard,unfelt, and unseen presence of yours
And everything’s hidden
covered by a fake smile
I have soon to overcome
~o0o~

The drive to write left again. Like my soul has been starving for something meaningful. Rarrr.

"How can you love something that scares you?"

"It isn’t," my friend said.

"It is."

"Are you serious?"

"Away from being logical and practical, my answer is a yes," I added.

There I bear the duty of determining strength as I should face fear. Maybe, no one could ever escape in this life. I was born alone in the first place and in the end, I shall be alone. This isn’t the end yet, am I right? The pellucid separation is here, how come? Beauty contains many languages and the hardest to learn is coping with pleasure out of the pain it can offer. I’m tempted and coating the bareness with refusal. How odd! I’ve never been like this before, believe it or not. I must be. Not all the time should all questions be answered, and to this one, I’m hopeless but I wait.


I’ve just asked my sister, “What date is it now?” “19,” she said.

I never thought how a certain thing can come up and knock on my door. I
never thought how fast everything went like or let's just say, I've been blinded
all the while. With what? I don't care to know anymore. Now I feel happy and
partly scared. Although I know, this someone will always be there for me-vice
versa I assume. For a long time (I think) we've been oriented with each other,
we feel so comfortable already. I open up things as if I'm just saying
everything to myself on the mirror. This person is a reflection of all the
beauty I see in this world. I don't care if end will come for the two of us, but
what I'm thinking about now is the present, and everything will follow I know.
Definitely, I care for this person more than everyone knows. This feeling seems
to grow now. "I'm bout to fall already......." what I told this person when we
were talking until 2 AM. I got an answer; someone is ready to catch me. None
other than this person I'm talking about...............
---March 31, 2004

I ripped that off from a blog site I had two years ago which I wouldn’t dare to put the link here. The connection had a right formula in the beginning and then all of a sudden ambiguous hum brought it to an end. I haven’t seen the person for years and there’s something special with April 19. Powerful words imported fertile love, didn’t notice of the primitive view of people, here I am alone and remembering them all. Those days vanished but I found them now or they have found me.

I lost my passion in eager desire. I can’t encourage something I want to embrace me even for a short time as I divert my attention from the fact that it will utter its goodbye one day. If only we can command one thing we want most to stay, just stay. Will that be of high cost? A momentary possession would be worth it for as long as we arrive at the point of remembering the formula and reaction. The passion, fire and emotion, I may try to be numb, but they’ll revolve as always and create my own world.

Chaos destroyed the diagram of my life at this point. No gaps + No worries + No pain= No life. Uh-oh, I want life.

"My stubborn skin is wearing thin I bared my soul you waltzed right in I gave you
everything and you just made me feel so very naked, and I can’t remember how
I let myself become so unraveled I’m naked pretty as a heart ache waiting
for my second skin to settle in..."

---"Naked" Tracy Bonham

“You do the same thing to some people," a friend said. I drop people, in a softer way. How come some had dropped me so hard and left me shattered. "Bring that to an end. Showing what you feel for them creates difficulties. Why not let them run to you?"

They may even run to me and depart secretly.

Express your appreciation to your gods! I was born to fill myself up with the too much or with one small amount. I only want the just right thing and I’m fine. Friendship? That weaves my essence. How I wish some entries were meant for someone else, but I can’t lie. I haven’t lied about it though. I haven’t uttered even a single word about the truth behind one matter. I'm scared. Too scared. Scared of being this scared. Ahhh!!!

Darn, another self-destructive action no one can figure out. Is this a secret? Some know about this but they submit to either puzzlement or plain instability of complete comprehension. I’d rather be quiet and hope for that day to be better than what the word “fine” requires.

To those who can relate: That pic is Shane/Kate. I found that pic last night. I looove it! Far from her usual role on tv. Observe the crystal stare. Heeehuh!

selected ramble

I don't say that I go for the frisson about sharing some of my secrets. It's my awareness that pushes me to open up or hide from the view of other people as I am guarded most of the time.

I never thought that at one point, some people can offer me words to tell me how they feel about my presence. Some just did. It felt good, serenading my sleeping sense of worth, relating to the absent figure that I need to trace.

Holding back the crisis for a very long time, my solemn plea is to be alone, be still and get away from the average doings. I'd rather sit without anything than to engage into something I can’t contribute completely. I'm often bored, high of seriousness and calling for change.

I'm one frustrated perfectionist. I stand with principles that lack bravery to persevere because deep inside, a clash of feelings takes place that suggest me to be in motion with a question mark. I call for an inspiration, unavoidable, they run away. The problem rests upon my confusion that until this moment, I provide invalid answers.

An idyll scenario never existed. From too much looking back, I worry about delaying progress. Last Tuesday night, I had a dream which was located in the domain of sadness. I tried my best to re-create my imagination just to forget, but I couldn’t.

They say that there are things in the reality you can never posses so you absolutely withdraw from them. In your subconscious, there's a well that bears all disturbances and disappointments. When you sleep, away from consciousness, you travel across that hidden universe and there you notice the things you've been keeping for a long time.

There was one incident last year that created a drastic change in my belief and faith in a certain thing – a dreadful reminder for drive accompanied by bitterness. I don't want to write down the details. Only few people comprehended about it. It visited my dreams for the first time. I opened my eyes and cried.

Do your thing but stay conscious about the ache you can bestow on people around you, unintentionally may it be. One ruined relationship redounded to the clearness of my sight. My story regarding my trip to Mindoro was limited because new realisations came in. Stop putting to picture a certain sentiment here, not a proper place to.

I was asked by someone, "How come you don't appear as one rebellious person?" I'm not but I am mad, so mad that I'll f*ckin do what it takes to be happy someday. I shall just deposit to my memory one bitter taste drama. For all we know, we can't rely on the memory that can easily forget. Inside my chest, one thing rests forgoing the need to move on.

Off the topic:

HOME

I had lunch yesterday with my mom and Av. Mom suggested that Av might want to have her vacation with us in Cavite. I keep my fingers crossed; I miss home – the base of my development as an individual.

We discussed about my debut in October. Dad can’t absolutely come because of his work. Mom and Av witnessed my eyes causing tears to flow down my cheeks and then I smiled and said, “It’s actually okay. Too bad, I can’t have a last dance from Daddy. Don’t worry; I’ll search for a boyfriend to do that.” That was a joke.

Dad e-mailed me about his previous works… I’m a proud daughter you can't do anything to erase that.

Hong Kong International Airport

Taiwan High-Speed Rail Corp.

And now, as an electrical engineer, he’ll be a consultant in KEO, a globally known large international design firm.

Dad, you read my blog and capable of perceiving my senses for this is the only way you can witness me grow each day. Yes, I am proud of you and I don’t know the best way for you to be aware of it because rarely can I come beside you and say what’s on my mind. So here I am telling the world that you’re a hardworking father and I love you for crafting me in this world. I continue my journey that someday, someone would realize my capability and worth like how I view yours right now. You used to be gone for months and now, for years. How unkind life can be but remain strong and turn to God. There’s still a long way for us both.

here i am again

I came back last night from one enjoyable vacation. A friend gave me a short notice regarding the trip, like hours before our departure to Oriental Mindoro last Wednesday. I even assumed that we will be going to Puerto Galera. I didn't feel entirely confident about leaving the house in a hurry, packing up quickly, but what can I do? Will ensnaring fun harm me at all?

We had a very long ride before arriving at Pao's resort in Roxas, Oriental Mindoro.

from Taft to Makati

*30-45 minutes

from Makati to Las Pinas (Pao's
house)

* 1 hour

from Las Pinas to Batangas

*2 hours

from Batangas to Mindoro
(ferry)

*3-4 hours

from port to Pao's
resort

1 1/2-2 hours

The resort was lovely. It has two swimming pools, karaoke machines, standard rooms, billiard tables and the beach is located somewhere near the other gate. Pao's relatives are so warm and very accommodating. They served us delicious food from breakfast to dinner, very satisfying to our appetites. I would often find myself with a friend, listening to the wind's whisper and looking at the striking view every limpid moment at the beach. I wandered the place with confusion as I put across all my issues. It was a place with some melodramatic divisions. Beauty rescued and calmed me down.

I am glad to come home with almost all problems solved. Boo, the plan of moving to Boracay didn't push through. They got the ferry's sked to Bora, 1-4 AM last Friday. Since it is holy week, Bora overstuffed with people, they worried that we coudn't get a ferry to get back to Manila the next day. We might need to extend our days which couldn't be possible given the limited consents from our parents.

who's this? haha.

goodbye Mindoro!

the group

ready to flee

A and A

combative

going to Mindoro's port

more photos here

click the Mindoro album

I'm sorry if I failed to write a more productive twig of thoughts/stories. Some desires abandoned me. I am indeed happy though.

beach time!

I'm off to Mindoro with my friends so I won't be around for 3 days. The plan of going to Bora after might push through so I don't know yet when I am coming back. For the meantime, please do check my other site and see what's there. Tell me what you think, please? Mwah!!!

Cheerio!

Hugs,
Ayesa

flying all day

Whenever I wake up each morning, I want to be attentive and aware. My instinct matters to me so much. I'll say a continuous prayer just to wipe away negative tones. If I feel jaded, I hate it when I set aside the struggle for change. I can't manage to be brave all the time. Today, I realized that it's not always good to escape. This day is different. I feel different. The state is unusual but drifts smoothly like a first time. More charming than what sounds here.

My phone alarmed. Early. Today's our Clearance Day and I had to arrive at school before 8:30 in the morning. Lord, it's Holy Monday, I'm sorry if I failed to think of praying. I was almost late when I reached school. I hope You understand.

I met up my friend and headed to the assigned room. All my subjects contain the word "passed" beside them. I couldn't be any happier.

YOUR CHOICE IF YOU WISH TO READ ANOTHER HEART STUFF OF MINE. I suggest you to move on to the next part though.

---

An unrealistic existence of mine was there at the Main Building with my blockmates. A sea of bitterness occurred somewhere, troubled about seeing one person. I held my phone, 1 new message, opened, "Ayie!" was what I read. A text message from you. Brief moment of silence. Will I reply? Interruption. You appeared and headed to my direction. Your gentleness is hard to remember because I always see you cynical. I can't also say we're close if only fearless motives of mine paired our unbalanced state. You stood near me, for the first time. FOR THE FIRST TIME. You smiled. You wrapped your arms around as if putting back together my collapsed affection. I realized that you're still a stranger and I haven't saved enough things about you; to concretize my opinion regarding who you are isn't fair. Are you just the kind of person who can't be verbal fearing that you might put down people? I'm confused because you let me feel you. I must continue being logical and practical but you persuaded me. The moment you held me in your arms, I felt you, scared of departing the redoubt I find in you. A temperate embrace, damn, my lips were next to kissing the back of your ear as your right cheek performed a magical moment with my hair. You're like a fragment separated from my body to which it always belonged. How good but I cut off the urge, hated the tendency to become maudlin, my weakest submission.

I noticed all the firsts, even the first time you'll be gone for a long time. Please don't think I say these things because I'll miss you. God only paved the way for me to be thankful of your presence regardless of the abusive judgment you allowed my mind to build. Forget this. Forget me. And I'll try harder to really forget about you. Fair enough?

---

I caught the movie "Moments of Love" (Dingdong Dantes, Iza Calsado, Karyle) for the second time today. I found out from Jessica Zafra's blog that the movie is somehow similar to a Chinese movie "Sky of Love" (Ken Zhu and Gigi Leung). The romance between Dingdong and Iza happens through a telephone wire conversation as they discover further about their generations which are years apart.

The movie is long and many lines capture hearts absolutely. Love sees no time, not even the end. The overall message of the movie is to impose on people that love is parallel to destiny which echoed to my disagreement.

Honestly, the scariest part is never finding the person that sees his love for me without end. I don't believe that God had made someone who is just around the corner destined to be my forever lover. Imagine how boring it can ever be if our lives were predetermined before us! If that will be the case, each struggle is pointless. As we grow old, our views start to change. When old pictures start to fade, the reality exposes us to a modified authentic present reality. Call it choice that can put forward the generation process of changes. Shifting views and a changing world supplied by coincidence and chance, who wouldn't mind not to change at all? Get me?

Jologs na kung jologs but I'm proud to introduce to you the new object of my affection, Dingdong Dantes! Hahahahah!

I said I'm scared but I am certainly prepared to flee from disappointment someday. I remember a discussion with a friend that male population (including bisexual and gay) is of a much higher density than female population. The possibility of ending up alone is there because if not, some women should be queer.

The entry is getting long! I'm just so pleased because good spirits and insights came. Soon enough, I'll share the other parts.

Off the topic: To _________, you know who you are. Back off! Stay away from my sister, or else...

bittersweet

From the previous entry, you can trace the hurting of my heart and also, my nonfunctioning mind. Writing for me is a shock absorber. I was nearly frantic about some things that popped up seriously last night to my surprise.

I can't prolong the ache of getting choked so I have to discharge these feelings. This labyrinth of obscure thoughts commands me to search. I wish for a wiser mind.

I've just finished a conversation with my best friend. She told me that I sound good on the phone. There's one secret we discussed about and it's funny how creepy we see things. Would you believe I even chuckled? Not that much. The repair seems to be rapid huh? That might be the result of being a masochist; all worries are quickly restored to the normal manner of things. I'm trying to cope with the things that are so visible at this point.

Asking questions lead people to a more lucid state. I don't know how to handle frank questions though. Four days ago, I bumped into an old friend at the mall. She told me that the way I look and carry myself changed. I don't wear baggy clothes anymore; I assume that formed the puzzle. After that, [Personal question again] was put it in. Rarr. Earlier than this, a guy friend of mine asked me a [Personal question again] via text. I felt how cautious he tried letting his thoughts come out. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to ask. I'm just so tired with the same question and the best answer I can ever speak is worn out. It's crazy. Some would even try to discern every detail and get a bit astonished. They wouldn't even believe. So what's the sense of the question? Now, like them, I want to ask, "What's really wrong with me?" Ha ha ha.

My friend sent me a message yesterday morning to let me be one of the first people hear the news that she has a new boyfriend. Her bf wants to meet us. The manner of the message was a bit sharp with the beam of her happiness attached. I ran away from the point of getting envy about how others can find a person when I've been losing a lot lately.

"This relationship is serious," that made me so conscious about it. Why did she have to stress it out? I understand anyway. She must be tired of playing games like what I am now. Monitoring whether the connection is love or sexual. The option to choose the need to nourish each other which demands accurate reciprocation is totally harmful.

The strength of my mind will arrive at my doors one day. I believe it will be here soon to unleash these wrecked feelings.

To D: You sent me a message, "Ohayo gozaimasu". I wanted to restrain my fingers but how come I sent you "Good morning too" in return? I didn't ask how you were doing for the past weeks because I don't care for you anymore like I used to. From the things I've gathered about you, I believe that you're not the type of person who lands on blogs. You'll never get to read this. I don't feel the stress of my fondness for you, thank God. I was anxious about my grades last month. Those empty nights when I made a big fuss over early sleep, that I might leave your text messages unanswered. There was even a time I turned down the opportunity to focus on my studies when I liberated all my desires to be appreciated by you. Don't worry, my grades went up. That's an indication for you to be aware that you won't watch me fall as I undergo a pang of misery again. You're not worthy of it. Watch me go. Away from you. By the way, I don't want to be the person who will lay down bets just to make you happy. I'd rather make my own self happy.

To one special person: Here I am, sitting with my dilemma. I had to choose between two things that are evenly unfavorable to your eyes. I went along the straight line that leads me to the truth. I haven't been on the level for a long time. I remain to hope though; one day can put an end to this lifeless moment. Believe me, you're a wiser person now. When we get to hangout with each other again, I hope to see you smile even for nothing. I want you to still give your time listening to some serious things I say and even appreciate my jokes that I also take seriously. Haha. And, before I forget, you don't know everything about me. Please be careful with the words you throw to me because I take them by heart the way I understand.

And lastly, to another person dear to me: You create a smile on my face. You're a blessing. I ignore seeing some hazy things. The genuine attachment I have for you reproduce as I get to know more about you. It's quite weird that you're the only person I want to take care of now. Damn, if only I could go across the world. The abstract form of emptiness goes under each time you fill me up with your tenderness and love. I'm soon to overflow filled with the abundance of love coming from you. You're one of the few I've ever met who will always be true and honest. You're free to hold my heart and kindly return it to my chest when you don't need it anymore. You're the brightness of each day, the flaming passion inside my heart and the tranquil sea that runs through my veins. I feel like I'm embracing a positive life each time I get to hold your presence. Doubt has an influential force but my faith in you prevails.

No me importa dos cajones

Dear You,

Do you remember?

You're worth a thousand tortures.

How come we've hurt each other?

We've hurt each other enough.

Paalam na sinta.

"Think about love as a snow globe that cracks and leaks. It will be useless if the snow globe dries up. It will never be the same."

from: Denise

THANK YOU!

absorbing a song

Eraserheads (1994) "With A Smile"

Lift your head, baby, don't be scared
Of the things that could go wrong along the way
You'll get by with a smile
You can't win at everything but you can try.

more?

luminous view

understanding the distance

After a few hours, I'm next to the last page of the book I'm currently reading. It tells about death's control over us. The powerful words from the book assist me to continue an intimate relationship with Jesus. I haven't lost it though anyway.

He is always with me.

At this point, I feel prepared swimming the ocean. I care to subdue the intensity of fear. I call this point a cessation of disordered thoughts or feelings coming from the inside, my inside that used to create gruesome waves whenever I come around people. Swimming the river and at the same time, knowing the endless journey ahead towards the ocean became tedious yet worthwhile. Very.

I took this one in the likeness of hours waiting for the future. Av came over our pad today and I definitely had a great time with her!

I've seen the structure of myself and my inflexibility to forever hide who I am. Not just faking a smile, oblivious when it can ever be real when I do. I would start a day with a prayer to balance faith and hope. As the day would come to its end, missing the point of all actions, even that simple prayer that must have encouraged me to be "really" in this world even for just one single day. Yes, add more my effort to breathe, just breathe.

I was lost. In the direction of the unknown, not easy to carry the unqualified outlook I thought I should choose. I found out that if I seek for Truth, I should let the deepest side of mine affect and embrace my totality as an individual. Life started on my eyes in the direction I want it to be when I took by my heart the power of acceptance. People still come and go in my life and that is constant, but my aim to connect the authentic side of mine to people doesn't leave me an artificial lass. I've got nothing to hide so just love me if you want to.

So many questions go around my system still. To leave suddenly cannot help. I was sort of an escapist before. There is more to dream living in reality. I should swim the ocean towards truth.

Right now, I'm sitting down, very silent and willing to go beyond the question "why".

Ah, the intensity of my drive to write is back. It feels good. I also know the reason "why".

I love the song "Listen" by Stonefree. It gives an organized way of some feelings I can't verbalize yet. You can see the lyrics here and even hear it. Pinoy music rocks.

keeping you posted on how things were going

The warm gentle wind arrived at a position that is somehow immovable at this point. Yes, I feel better and I'll make this condition settle for days. There are many great things that can gratify my senses. I'm so grateful to get back to a feeling such as this; missing the spot "I'm supposed to", and rather a change for the better. Nowhere can I find the path that is constant to yield all distractions and other forms of desperation I feel. I see a lucid breathing space and let me indulge myself for a moment.

My friend and I stretched time to walk around the area of Shang mall yesterday. The ambience was fine which made an increase to my upbeat mood. The mall has satisfactory surroundings, of good standing when it comes to a serene place for enjoyment. Sometimes, I can be so picky to my choice of malls. Sure, I can go anywhere but I tolerate showing favoritism. Not because I limit my grounds on entering malls overstuffed with luxurious stores but the real fact that I search for tranquility, there are quite a few malls that can represent for it. You definitely know what are these malls anyway, right?

So there, my day started with a caramel frappuccino from Starbucks. Our heart-to-heart conversation offered a calm storage for my thoughts. I felt unstressed as I consumed more of my drink. Nothing can ever beat the paradise I consider to feel each time coffee takes a course to my system. Cheers to a pleasant communication with a person who has sane words to say that can sort of uplift my spirits.

(I caught Ice Age 2 at G4 last Saturday with a friend. Go watch it. It's a great film!)

We went into one store and another, carried out a non-stop food trip as well. My knees felt tired and upon recognizing the time past 3 in the afternoon, we tried reaching my sister's show on the agreed time. When we arrived at the place, we got our chairs and were so damn excited to watch.

The show was enjoyable. Who would decline listening to my sister's voice as she sings "Stickwitu" by Pussycat Dolls and Lady Marmalade (Christina Aguilera, Lil' Kim, Mya & Pink)? Here I go again... Proud sister? Yes I am, definitely.

Gooood Day :)

at Shangri-La

at home (condo)

more uploaded photos here