bittersweet

From the previous entry, you can trace the hurting of my heart and also, my nonfunctioning mind. Writing for me is a shock absorber. I was nearly frantic about some things that popped up seriously last night to my surprise.

I can't prolong the ache of getting choked so I have to discharge these feelings. This labyrinth of obscure thoughts commands me to search. I wish for a wiser mind.

I've just finished a conversation with my best friend. She told me that I sound good on the phone. There's one secret we discussed about and it's funny how creepy we see things. Would you believe I even chuckled? Not that much. The repair seems to be rapid huh? That might be the result of being a masochist; all worries are quickly restored to the normal manner of things. I'm trying to cope with the things that are so visible at this point.

Asking questions lead people to a more lucid state. I don't know how to handle frank questions though. Four days ago, I bumped into an old friend at the mall. She told me that the way I look and carry myself changed. I don't wear baggy clothes anymore; I assume that formed the puzzle. After that, [Personal question again] was put it in. Rarr. Earlier than this, a guy friend of mine asked me a [Personal question again] via text. I felt how cautious he tried letting his thoughts come out. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to ask. I'm just so tired with the same question and the best answer I can ever speak is worn out. It's crazy. Some would even try to discern every detail and get a bit astonished. They wouldn't even believe. So what's the sense of the question? Now, like them, I want to ask, "What's really wrong with me?" Ha ha ha.

My friend sent me a message yesterday morning to let me be one of the first people hear the news that she has a new boyfriend. Her bf wants to meet us. The manner of the message was a bit sharp with the beam of her happiness attached. I ran away from the point of getting envy about how others can find a person when I've been losing a lot lately.

"This relationship is serious," that made me so conscious about it. Why did she have to stress it out? I understand anyway. She must be tired of playing games like what I am now. Monitoring whether the connection is love or sexual. The option to choose the need to nourish each other which demands accurate reciprocation is totally harmful.

The strength of my mind will arrive at my doors one day. I believe it will be here soon to unleash these wrecked feelings.

To D: You sent me a message, "Ohayo gozaimasu". I wanted to restrain my fingers but how come I sent you "Good morning too" in return? I didn't ask how you were doing for the past weeks because I don't care for you anymore like I used to. From the things I've gathered about you, I believe that you're not the type of person who lands on blogs. You'll never get to read this. I don't feel the stress of my fondness for you, thank God. I was anxious about my grades last month. Those empty nights when I made a big fuss over early sleep, that I might leave your text messages unanswered. There was even a time I turned down the opportunity to focus on my studies when I liberated all my desires to be appreciated by you. Don't worry, my grades went up. That's an indication for you to be aware that you won't watch me fall as I undergo a pang of misery again. You're not worthy of it. Watch me go. Away from you. By the way, I don't want to be the person who will lay down bets just to make you happy. I'd rather make my own self happy.

To one special person: Here I am, sitting with my dilemma. I had to choose between two things that are evenly unfavorable to your eyes. I went along the straight line that leads me to the truth. I haven't been on the level for a long time. I remain to hope though; one day can put an end to this lifeless moment. Believe me, you're a wiser person now. When we get to hangout with each other again, I hope to see you smile even for nothing. I want you to still give your time listening to some serious things I say and even appreciate my jokes that I also take seriously. Haha. And, before I forget, you don't know everything about me. Please be careful with the words you throw to me because I take them by heart the way I understand.

And lastly, to another person dear to me: You create a smile on my face. You're a blessing. I ignore seeing some hazy things. The genuine attachment I have for you reproduce as I get to know more about you. It's quite weird that you're the only person I want to take care of now. Damn, if only I could go across the world. The abstract form of emptiness goes under each time you fill me up with your tenderness and love. I'm soon to overflow filled with the abundance of love coming from you. You're one of the few I've ever met who will always be true and honest. You're free to hold my heart and kindly return it to my chest when you don't need it anymore. You're the brightness of each day, the flaming passion inside my heart and the tranquil sea that runs through my veins. I feel like I'm embracing a positive life each time I get to hold your presence. Doubt has an influential force but my faith in you prevails.