reflect on uncertainties

I have been attracting pain, misery and difficulty for weeks but don’t suffer that much. The most evil act I can ever do is failure to maintain my sleeping habits I had before. I stay up dreaming and fighting for so many things. The abandoned feeling floats and I love it. I love possessing my thoughts, manipulating them and dealing with them. I couldn’t allow someone else do that again for me.

I’m becoming selfish, probably. I learned that fear is something that should suggest us what to do and never let it appear as a barrier. The consequence that will occur could deliver us into something we loathe to bear. Modification shapes difference. Adaptation is the key. I’m used to denial and rejection. Whenever people do that to me, on the other side, I become more skilled at loving, allowing my feelings to just flow, fill up an invisible jar. I refuse to say that they aren’t painful at all. I don’t notice the emptiness inside, unmindful where can I ever get the power to offer without anyone answering back the procedure. Could it be possible that recognizing the real side of mine is enough at this moment? I think it is. That’s the fuel that tolerates my drive.

This is the state that works for me now. We can’t stay in one place forever, right Denise? I’ll drop all these as soon as I figured out the lesson. Objects react upon objects. I hell commit myself into something formless, dedicate and allot logical answers. Something better may come. I must be patient.

I had chest pain last night and it’s associated with the kind of heart disease I have which was detected last year. Those irregular heart beats won’t let me die young, I assume. I took a rest for a while and listened to some songs.

Inside I was a child that could not mend a broken wing

Outside I looked for a way, too teach my heart to sing
No I've never been afraid to cry, now I finally have a reason why

I'll remember
(I'll remember)

~"I'll Remember" Madonna

That’s a song dedicated to my mom. I asked her to listen but she didn’t pay much attention to the lyrics. Aww. In the nearness of her sight is our trademark, all- time theme song, “You Were There”. What made my day so poignant yesterday was when I shared with someone those ordinary, horrific and remarkable happenings that I had with people. I didn’t manage to sum up one long narration without crying. I was cleansed. The words "strength" "love" "save" and "change", are important to appreciate at length from the song “I’ll Remember”.

I so love the magic of love. It’s a matter of self-discovery. I hate to embrace anyone just because of the need. I threw a joke on my friend yesterday and told her that I haven’t been taking care of myself for the past few days because I believe someone out there must do that for me. Ha ha ha. I miss the feeling of waking up with all awareness that I get to let someone smile.

A fall down is inevitable. New connections are certain. You go to one place and do interrogation and suddenly you’re attached with one another. For a few weeks, you learn more about the person and the other discovers the thing that makes you tick. All these don’t serve as guidelines to sex or relationship for that someone might just need friendship and the whole package of being friends.

Saguijo here I come!

There are so much more things which I need to learn about myself before I mold confidence then try giving myself fully to a person of my standard in the future. I’m so attracted to one’s intelligence, loyalty and authentic experiences he can share with me. And yet, I can mess them up by appearing so difficult to be read. I shall offer directness and clarity, hoping someone will not only understand but love me for who I am.

Sorry if I'm too wordy. This is not for the audience. I don't even know who really gets to read this and understand with interest. This is my journal and I deserve the courage back like the blogger I was before.