lost and found

Poem I wrote last week:

"Fill Me Up"
Boring walks refrain from hasty intake of happiness
under the influence of despair
Combining the blurred and real
comes up a mysterious liking
Perdurable moments of sincerity,warmness and devotion
together with life’s shifting hands
Gloomy the sky, life hasn’t changed at all
my life is you, you are with me
The soft susurration of desolation
at a distance, crushed by the unheard,unfelt, and unseen presence of yours
And everything’s hidden
covered by a fake smile
I have soon to overcome
~o0o~

The drive to write left again. Like my soul has been starving for something meaningful. Rarrr.

"How can you love something that scares you?"

"It isn’t," my friend said.

"It is."

"Are you serious?"

"Away from being logical and practical, my answer is a yes," I added.

There I bear the duty of determining strength as I should face fear. Maybe, no one could ever escape in this life. I was born alone in the first place and in the end, I shall be alone. This isn’t the end yet, am I right? The pellucid separation is here, how come? Beauty contains many languages and the hardest to learn is coping with pleasure out of the pain it can offer. I’m tempted and coating the bareness with refusal. How odd! I’ve never been like this before, believe it or not. I must be. Not all the time should all questions be answered, and to this one, I’m hopeless but I wait.


I’ve just asked my sister, “What date is it now?” “19,” she said.

I never thought how a certain thing can come up and knock on my door. I
never thought how fast everything went like or let's just say, I've been blinded
all the while. With what? I don't care to know anymore. Now I feel happy and
partly scared. Although I know, this someone will always be there for me-vice
versa I assume. For a long time (I think) we've been oriented with each other,
we feel so comfortable already. I open up things as if I'm just saying
everything to myself on the mirror. This person is a reflection of all the
beauty I see in this world. I don't care if end will come for the two of us, but
what I'm thinking about now is the present, and everything will follow I know.
Definitely, I care for this person more than everyone knows. This feeling seems
to grow now. "I'm bout to fall already......." what I told this person when we
were talking until 2 AM. I got an answer; someone is ready to catch me. None
other than this person I'm talking about...............
---March 31, 2004

I ripped that off from a blog site I had two years ago which I wouldn’t dare to put the link here. The connection had a right formula in the beginning and then all of a sudden ambiguous hum brought it to an end. I haven’t seen the person for years and there’s something special with April 19. Powerful words imported fertile love, didn’t notice of the primitive view of people, here I am alone and remembering them all. Those days vanished but I found them now or they have found me.

I lost my passion in eager desire. I can’t encourage something I want to embrace me even for a short time as I divert my attention from the fact that it will utter its goodbye one day. If only we can command one thing we want most to stay, just stay. Will that be of high cost? A momentary possession would be worth it for as long as we arrive at the point of remembering the formula and reaction. The passion, fire and emotion, I may try to be numb, but they’ll revolve as always and create my own world.

Chaos destroyed the diagram of my life at this point. No gaps + No worries + No pain= No life. Uh-oh, I want life.

"My stubborn skin is wearing thin I bared my soul you waltzed right in I gave you
everything and you just made me feel so very naked, and I can’t remember how
I let myself become so unraveled I’m naked pretty as a heart ache waiting
for my second skin to settle in..."

---"Naked" Tracy Bonham

“You do the same thing to some people," a friend said. I drop people, in a softer way. How come some had dropped me so hard and left me shattered. "Bring that to an end. Showing what you feel for them creates difficulties. Why not let them run to you?"

They may even run to me and depart secretly.

Express your appreciation to your gods! I was born to fill myself up with the too much or with one small amount. I only want the just right thing and I’m fine. Friendship? That weaves my essence. How I wish some entries were meant for someone else, but I can’t lie. I haven’t lied about it though. I haven’t uttered even a single word about the truth behind one matter. I'm scared. Too scared. Scared of being this scared. Ahhh!!!

Darn, another self-destructive action no one can figure out. Is this a secret? Some know about this but they submit to either puzzlement or plain instability of complete comprehension. I’d rather be quiet and hope for that day to be better than what the word “fine” requires.

To those who can relate: That pic is Shane/Kate. I found that pic last night. I looove it! Far from her usual role on tv. Observe the crystal stare. Heeehuh!