To my two friends (yes, you!):
Can it be found somewhere? Not here. Not now, when the crescent moon would appear to offset logic. My yard definitely needs "the fire". Oh, I'm a bad girl right now. Hahaha. Shit, you make me miss it. Darn.
Like,
rarr.
Let me watch the stars in an empty embrace of desolation.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
do you know me?
Ignorance deserted me at birth. From the very moment I was brought in this world, everyday, I’d want to extend my understanding regarding life. I am what I think and my beliefs reflect bravery on how to proclaim to the world my authentic self. Usually, I repine over my ill-behavior before. I anticipate seeing myself thriving.
Stop trying to become unique. We are already. Unless we come into contact with our inner selves and understand why we live, we can never come out of our shells and establish the essence out of the perception of who we really are.
I tend not to keep some parts of my life private. Feeling humiliated can only cause forever wounds that are terrible as I go on with this journey. God loves me in the first place. I share to Him the joys of my life and if it so happens that people learn from it, it will be an additional fragment that will lift up my drive.
I'll use my freedom to free my own self and liberate honest and open minds of other people. Last year was great, I tell you. God, I love you! The drawing line of success happened and to you guys: display energy with me!
Look, in school, wisdom isn’t taught. The time I asked permission from my mom to allow me continue high school in Manila without them around, I knew that I made the best decision. Find myself. Find myself. Find it! Graduating from an all-girls school when I was in high school, my life started to change hugely. I saw myself almost in the direction of my own grave. I gave in to so much trouble. If I continue surrendering and let my psyche be transfixed by the “wicked state of mind”, I can be a slave; oblige myself to follow the decree of the bad that ensures a towering chance of a wrongly status self. One’s mental power of an academic can never comprehend all pitfalls and restore to health one thing that is about to expire or pass away. We must all gain wisdom in order to have the right judgment, on how to water and harvest from each experience that comes to all of us.
You know what I wished to God last January 1? Make me wiser.
Someone found my YM id and the two of us chatted last night. The person is an acquaintance I met years ago; cherished and sent me gifts which in return I’ve only said my deepest thanks, nothing more. I was reminded of my old self and lack of confidence back then. Everything was out of condition. I wasn’t even concerned with the way I look. My cautious consideration provided me the hint that maybe I can try dressing up nice clothes, allow my hair to grow long; get a cool style and of course, and losing weight started it all.
“If ever I want someone to love me, someone like you is what I search,” wow, I heard that. I answered in return, “There’s only one me in this world but there are so many others greater than this shithead.” I received with appreciation a number of kind adjectives included to every thought presented.
I told the person that I only do what everyone else is doing. “You’re not afraid when you give, at least,” the answer I got. Oh yes, courage. Man, it takes a lot of courage. Why can we not proceed without any interruption and go for what we really want? I am just too selfish if I resist Love. Remember what I always say? We all have limited chances and infinity of love. I use my heart when it comes to loving and order my mind guide it. I let my friends and other people meet the person of my fondness like saying, “Hey, this one is the best person ever and the shafts of sunlight for my existence!” Isn’t that great?
When I offer, a part of me goes with it. I do all the efforts to nourish myself so that I can reassure my other half that I must be loved and treasured when I am ripe (whattta word, huh?) enough. And when I let someone accept what I can give, it’s me. It’s something real.
Stop trying to become unique. We are already. Unless we come into contact with our inner selves and understand why we live, we can never come out of our shells and establish the essence out of the perception of who we really are.
I tend not to keep some parts of my life private. Feeling humiliated can only cause forever wounds that are terrible as I go on with this journey. God loves me in the first place. I share to Him the joys of my life and if it so happens that people learn from it, it will be an additional fragment that will lift up my drive.
I'll use my freedom to free my own self and liberate honest and open minds of other people. Last year was great, I tell you. God, I love you! The drawing line of success happened and to you guys: display energy with me!
Look, in school, wisdom isn’t taught. The time I asked permission from my mom to allow me continue high school in Manila without them around, I knew that I made the best decision. Find myself. Find myself. Find it! Graduating from an all-girls school when I was in high school, my life started to change hugely. I saw myself almost in the direction of my own grave. I gave in to so much trouble. If I continue surrendering and let my psyche be transfixed by the “wicked state of mind”, I can be a slave; oblige myself to follow the decree of the bad that ensures a towering chance of a wrongly status self. One’s mental power of an academic can never comprehend all pitfalls and restore to health one thing that is about to expire or pass away. We must all gain wisdom in order to have the right judgment, on how to water and harvest from each experience that comes to all of us.
You know what I wished to God last January 1? Make me wiser.
Someone found my YM id and the two of us chatted last night. The person is an acquaintance I met years ago; cherished and sent me gifts which in return I’ve only said my deepest thanks, nothing more. I was reminded of my old self and lack of confidence back then. Everything was out of condition. I wasn’t even concerned with the way I look. My cautious consideration provided me the hint that maybe I can try dressing up nice clothes, allow my hair to grow long; get a cool style and of course, and losing weight started it all.
“If ever I want someone to love me, someone like you is what I search,” wow, I heard that. I answered in return, “There’s only one me in this world but there are so many others greater than this shithead.” I received with appreciation a number of kind adjectives included to every thought presented.
I told the person that I only do what everyone else is doing. “You’re not afraid when you give, at least,” the answer I got. Oh yes, courage. Man, it takes a lot of courage. Why can we not proceed without any interruption and go for what we really want? I am just too selfish if I resist Love. Remember what I always say? We all have limited chances and infinity of love. I use my heart when it comes to loving and order my mind guide it. I let my friends and other people meet the person of my fondness like saying, “Hey, this one is the best person ever and the shafts of sunlight for my existence!” Isn’t that great?
When I offer, a part of me goes with it. I do all the efforts to nourish myself so that I can reassure my other half that I must be loved and treasured when I am ripe (whattta word, huh?) enough. And when I let someone accept what I can give, it’s me. It’s something real.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
GOD is LOVE
Loving to a large extent is one great act we must perform in order to create change in our society. I heard mass today and the meaning of the homily appeared holier to me than it should be. Visualize the sorry world where we lay down questions every other time on how we can overcome distance, conquer fear, to cease torment within ourselves and wipe out the disarray of faith to one another.
We are produced by the love of God and thus, we are His followers. We are all fragmented mysteries trying to answer our own point of existence. Without the picture of Love ahead of us, nothing can ever guide us.
For the young one, loving isn’t that complicated. Cheap thrills would satisfy and wipe down every tear on his face. Soon as he starts to grow, he finds his spirit heading on to the verge of reality with consciousness that not everything is right in this world. He tries to use freedom and will start to live separately from others. But oh, he must be loved! Does he realize how much time he spent searching for fame supposing that many can love him out of it? No one wants to stay, how disheartening! It hurts when everyone is leaving and he’s left all alone defining everything for himself.
This is what we all call, Life. Love is the answer.
As we draw ourselves closer and closer to the perimeter of conclusion, our capacity to love is extending. God is love. Love is stronger than a mixture of regret, anger, hatred and jealousy.
I prayed to God this evening. I told him that I’m tired to some extent and sometimes admitting my defeat already BUT I can’t be angry at Hope.
Something weird is happening to me now. I will tell more about it next time. ;)
Saturday, May 20, 2006
fun fun fun
Yesterday was amazingly fun and everyone came to celebrate Mae’s 18th birthday except for Angge. Boo. While I was chilling with my friends in Glorietta, I received a text message blended with sadness and guilt from someone after and I told Jeni, “Hey, I want to be their distraction. Accompany me there.”
We found ourselves like on a long crusade the time we headed to Starbucks (Greenbelt). We arrived at the place and I chose a chair. “The fella isn’t like you… I can’t explain it,” I heard that clearly from someone.
Of course, we aren’t the same. We’re two different people. Honestly, not to conduct my own praises, but I was absolutely flattered. One person has been impressed with the things I do constantly regardless of my selfishness and impatience. And my virtue is the reason why another person must be dropped. Depressing but that’s life.
We found ourselves like on a long crusade the time we headed to Starbucks (Greenbelt). We arrived at the place and I chose a chair. “The fella isn’t like you… I can’t explain it,” I heard that clearly from someone.
Of course, we aren’t the same. We’re two different people. Honestly, not to conduct my own praises, but I was absolutely flattered. One person has been impressed with the things I do constantly regardless of my selfishness and impatience. And my virtue is the reason why another person must be dropped. Depressing but that’s life.
I thought you'll be another's. For a very short correspondence, meeting the "new one", I tried to initiate the talk and interrogation but the person isn’t courteous at all. Must be really dropped, I think.
The same special person to me has been asking me why I set a standard to someone who can exclusively enter in my life. My friends have detected that I lost my interest to meet someone new. I’m uninterested. My pulses are fine. The inner awareness and courage is in me. A person puts something of himself to each moment he creates with someone. Exciting and pleasurable moments could have been specified already. They’re everywhere. Why can’t you make it extraordinary allowing someone you really have a thing for do something to you that would appear like everything? And not giving up to a simple joy without any profound attachment; very unfair each time the other one surrenders his everything, but to you, it’s just something. Well, something monotonous. Then in the end, you both realize how you wasted all your time. To stress here again, I can’t reduce the standard I set.
The same special person to me has been asking me why I set a standard to someone who can exclusively enter in my life. My friends have detected that I lost my interest to meet someone new. I’m uninterested. My pulses are fine. The inner awareness and courage is in me. A person puts something of himself to each moment he creates with someone. Exciting and pleasurable moments could have been specified already. They’re everywhere. Why can’t you make it extraordinary allowing someone you really have a thing for do something to you that would appear like everything? And not giving up to a simple joy without any profound attachment; very unfair each time the other one surrenders his everything, but to you, it’s just something. Well, something monotonous. Then in the end, you both realize how you wasted all your time. To stress here again, I can’t reduce the standard I set.
Gotta see other pix from Lini's cam soon!
You are the best! I love you!
Ooops. R-18. We're innocent.
Skirt awww!
Fugly look of mine with the undies I gave Mae
Sweeet. Mwah!
At Temple Bar in Makati, I danced with my girl friends all night long. I was greater than a supernatural being! In the dark, how good when your hands would tremble so slowly and can’t afford to get too close to new people. You’ll never say, “I am yours.” You may wish to date all of them but you’re too discreet that you’d hate it if they get to know you more.
My spirit is in the cradle of delight, so fulfilled how a beautiful friendship with my group has been with me all the time despite the distance. Knowing everything about me, they always minimize the ache of my heart for me to never be painfully hurt. Hearts do gather and memories, tears, and laughters are the always present elements that can never take us apart.
Friday, May 19, 2006
to love each day of my life
I sat across a close friend yesterday at Seattle’s Best (Greenbelt), spilled my heart and poured down the rain of thoughts. No such thing prodded me and calmness did act together with my deep silence.After dinner, we caught some live bands. The music, oh, very wild and magical, combined forces of my realization that I’ve loved and learned the cherished ways of old. Above all, I’ll continue loving the world everyday. It nourishes my heart and makes it bigger.
I’ll be going out later again with friends but before I do, here I am getting the afterglow, basking in the same way I’ve been doing for the past few days. I’m trying to bring back into its life each dull moment; a rebirth indeed.
I don’t need to re-create an established bond very close to me. We’re both fans of reciprocation and even there’s this masochism in me, of why I had fallen at a very low level for so many times, I believe in true love. Once you’ve found genuine love, everything’s there. It’s all worth it. And I love having it for myself and for people who’ve got to possess it.
So to “YOU”, I had made you vulnerable and so deeply lonely. Good to know how you’ve been so intimate with somebody else lately and that one person carries the capacity to love unconditionally. The happiness you feel is exactly the same thing that flows inside my chest.
The photo is the henna I've got last night.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
life and sins
Sometimes I realize how things can’t go on, that I no longer need to pay attention, let somebody see my smile and become adapted to a new environment. At a certain point when all my dreams and hopes are equal and uniform, my faith conspires with the will. I cannot run away. Not now.
My willpower soars above a large waterfall where drowning has no place. The flickering light of beauty guards my character and right there, at the core of my heart. What a great picture, isn’t it?
I forgive tears as I treasure another misery. I let go bitterness as I learn the hard way.
Looking through The British Museum website, I found myself at the Ancient India corner to uncover and frame insights- “the fundamental truths of life”, from The Buddha story.
What were the Buddha's fundamental truths of life?
"These truths are: all men who are born eventually have to die, sickness comes to all men, old age comes to all men, and renouncing worldly possessions is the way to attaining peace and salvation. "
Like Prince Siddhartha, as I deal with the remorseful world, I’ll do the attempt shaping myself into someone and not just something before the unhappy world starts to eat me completely.
Does religion play an important role to people? Or to make it simple, isn’t the spirit of respect an innate thing possessed? I wonder. Seven capital vices (or sins) are present yet people manage to sin continually. I must admit, I am one of them sometimes but not very often though.
Missing coed’s body found in Cavite creek The most horrible, most evil act eagerly assumes self-satisfaction at the degree of violating human dignity. I may be a sinner BUT I can’t take it bringing into being others’ sense of worth deterioration out of MY impious conduct.
WOMEN should be loved, please remember that!!!
My willpower soars above a large waterfall where drowning has no place. The flickering light of beauty guards my character and right there, at the core of my heart. What a great picture, isn’t it?
I forgive tears as I treasure another misery. I let go bitterness as I learn the hard way.
Looking through The British Museum website, I found myself at the Ancient India corner to uncover and frame insights- “the fundamental truths of life”, from The Buddha story.
What were the Buddha's fundamental truths of life?
"These truths are: all men who are born eventually have to die, sickness comes to all men, old age comes to all men, and renouncing worldly possessions is the way to attaining peace and salvation. "
Like Prince Siddhartha, as I deal with the remorseful world, I’ll do the attempt shaping myself into someone and not just something before the unhappy world starts to eat me completely.
Does religion play an important role to people? Or to make it simple, isn’t the spirit of respect an innate thing possessed? I wonder. Seven capital vices (or sins) are present yet people manage to sin continually. I must admit, I am one of them sometimes but not very often though.
Missing coed’s body found in Cavite creek The most horrible, most evil act eagerly assumes self-satisfaction at the degree of violating human dignity. I may be a sinner BUT I can’t take it bringing into being others’ sense of worth deterioration out of MY impious conduct.
WOMEN should be loved, please remember that!!!
Monday, May 15, 2006
Want more?Thursday, May 11, 2006
someone sent me this one and i'm scared
Scared? Or bothered? The crime of love has an absolute mission. Mixed emotions surround me.*Changed two images with a question mark*
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
vague mixture
Loneliness stifles the spirit and all emotions. The visible trace of moving forward and leave something behind are written in the path you must take. Too many wild nights are very painful to handle. Sacrificing isn't always rewarded. It's Sacrfice. That's it.
You start to ask, "How long?" In the beginning, the feeling had a great flavour but bittersweet moment entered when you've found yourself as one freedom fighter. You try to comfort yourself not until the next morning when the only reason for you to smile is finally lost. You definitely know how and where you can search for it, but you couldn't dare to try because when you start to, you may never stop or, it will be pointless.
You've been so attached to it, denying the truth and living with the illusion the two of you once created. In the same way, that very exact position, you are still holding on and dreaming. Does he have to teach you how to wake up? It was easy for him to do it. He's gone. You're alone and even if you try to escape a close and silent confinement, you wouldn't want to.
He believes in love and everything that is governed by nature, sun and music. His knowledge about love had expanded the moment you came; a great thing that can't be found in scientific or technical contexts. His care doesn't modify the subject that is your heart. He only sees a part of the picture, that he has learnt to love you. Nothing more.
He seems fulfilled with the small taste of love experience and he'll leave everything that way. He won't fight for it and nonetheless, will try to dissolve the feeling one step at a time. Even if it's to see you go and forget about everything, he'll go for it. Besides, most people believe that we have to let go. Not everyone agrees. You absolutely do not agree why you have to when one special thing aims to be desired and loved in a particular manner.
He blames the peccadillo of fate for one reason that to set him alone, so desolate was planned ahead before him. Why can't he see that you found him lonely and resigning him from too many miseries is the thing you offer. Real emotions lie behind the image of you. He's blind to figure it out that you are greater than destiny. You love him and you're haunted by guilt-ridden feeling each time you hurt yourself just to see him happy. You risk and take chances even if it can claim the embarassment of rejection. Aren't these things produce Sacrifice where the power of Love begins?
You experimented with a number of connections before. It started with a failure and ended up with another failure. An antithetical idea; you love and start to hate or you hate and start to love again. The acme of the situation is to let go, maybe. But you have to wake up first before you do.
Now deserted, you can't radically restrict one memory of the past. "Please don't let go. Stay with me." One person told that to you before. You listened. You felt it. You said your goodbye after. You realize now that you've arrogated that position which is asking someone to stay; to try a farrago of faith, hope, sympathy and love to bring the romance to its life.
Maybe you want to... what? "What goes around comes around." Pondering on that quote is the best thing to do. Your world is now filled in stygian darkness. Your suffering is finite; it's universal so to speak. Your love for him is infinite. How hard, right?
You start to ask, "How long?" In the beginning, the feeling had a great flavour but bittersweet moment entered when you've found yourself as one freedom fighter. You try to comfort yourself not until the next morning when the only reason for you to smile is finally lost. You definitely know how and where you can search for it, but you couldn't dare to try because when you start to, you may never stop or, it will be pointless.
You've been so attached to it, denying the truth and living with the illusion the two of you once created. In the same way, that very exact position, you are still holding on and dreaming. Does he have to teach you how to wake up? It was easy for him to do it. He's gone. You're alone and even if you try to escape a close and silent confinement, you wouldn't want to.
He believes in love and everything that is governed by nature, sun and music. His knowledge about love had expanded the moment you came; a great thing that can't be found in scientific or technical contexts. His care doesn't modify the subject that is your heart. He only sees a part of the picture, that he has learnt to love you. Nothing more.
He seems fulfilled with the small taste of love experience and he'll leave everything that way. He won't fight for it and nonetheless, will try to dissolve the feeling one step at a time. Even if it's to see you go and forget about everything, he'll go for it. Besides, most people believe that we have to let go. Not everyone agrees. You absolutely do not agree why you have to when one special thing aims to be desired and loved in a particular manner.
He blames the peccadillo of fate for one reason that to set him alone, so desolate was planned ahead before him. Why can't he see that you found him lonely and resigning him from too many miseries is the thing you offer. Real emotions lie behind the image of you. He's blind to figure it out that you are greater than destiny. You love him and you're haunted by guilt-ridden feeling each time you hurt yourself just to see him happy. You risk and take chances even if it can claim the embarassment of rejection. Aren't these things produce Sacrifice where the power of Love begins?
You experimented with a number of connections before. It started with a failure and ended up with another failure. An antithetical idea; you love and start to hate or you hate and start to love again. The acme of the situation is to let go, maybe. But you have to wake up first before you do.
Now deserted, you can't radically restrict one memory of the past. "Please don't let go. Stay with me." One person told that to you before. You listened. You felt it. You said your goodbye after. You realize now that you've arrogated that position which is asking someone to stay; to try a farrago of faith, hope, sympathy and love to bring the romance to its life.
Maybe you want to... what? "What goes around comes around." Pondering on that quote is the best thing to do. Your world is now filled in stygian darkness. Your suffering is finite; it's universal so to speak. Your love for him is infinite. How hard, right?
Monday, May 08, 2006
emotional rollercoaster
I admire people who know what is real and what is illusion. Forgive me if I don't learn from past mistakes and I'm one hell complicated person. Someone is beginning to instill one thing profoundly to me; the great feeling to be loved. All the while, all my hopes saturated together with broken pieces Love played in the air before. I love and I can love everything that is in that person. Empty nights may have returned yet I fail to notice them again. I'm stranded. I'm hanging in the western sky and inspired to write a two-line poem.
But maybe, I might end up writing "your name" again. The reason? I don't forget. I always remember.
Is your love questionable? Fuck permanent love. There's no such thing and that's for sure. Short-lived? Yeah, right?
Something's wrong with "me".
But maybe, I might end up writing "your name" again. The reason? I don't forget. I always remember.
Is your love questionable? Fuck permanent love. There's no such thing and that's for sure. Short-lived? Yeah, right?
Something's wrong with "me".
Saturday, May 06, 2006
no title
My hardened feelings fell down; sympathetic enough to deal with the inner side. Music conveyed an energizing meaning. I’ve just arrived from one ggggreat gimmick after watching Erwin’s gig (at Baywalk) with his band. And yes, Thea is also part of their band; another good pal. The band was fantastico. They’ll go far!
Old things are stored inside my heart. Erwin was my former drum teacher way back seven years ago. We haven’t been seeing each other for a long time and Friendster brought back together our mislaid bond. At times we do chat. He sends me sugary adjectives he never said before. Wtf. If only I had a different age back then and how I wish that I’ve acquired from God the right amount of charm to captivate him (so I can display signs to please him, he he he) then the right timing for breathtaking moments was placed on my hands. JUST KIDDIN’! Whew, everything’s different now.
Old things are stored inside my heart. Erwin was my former drum teacher way back seven years ago. We haven’t been seeing each other for a long time and Friendster brought back together our mislaid bond. At times we do chat. He sends me sugary adjectives he never said before. Wtf. If only I had a different age back then and how I wish that I’ve acquired from God the right amount of charm to captivate him (so I can display signs to please him, he he he) then the right timing for breathtaking moments was placed on my hands. JUST KIDDIN’! Whew, everything’s different now.
@ Hap Chang Tea House (after Baywalk)
A lot of things did change. (I'm irritated right now, urk.) My plain boredom came to its existence. I couldn’t predict what is yet to come; that’s for sure. I’m so pissed at a few men. I’m quite thankful that I deal with several average and decent guy friends who create stability to my spilling lack of interest. I'm bored with attractive men. I'm not charismatic in the least, so I have no idea why sweet talkers would arrive and couldn’t be a sport when I speak of the truth.
Why does one mini-tale drama with a man need to exist in my life? I’m just one hopeful woman, who stands day after day inside an arctic planet, and soon, will come to enter the human race as the syrup of intimacy rich with fondness and love showers strength to cut some futile strands.
All the time, I try to be honest-brutally honest. There was even a time when an acquaintance sent me a message to ask me one private question. To save myself from harm didn’t become a priority. It was my attention to mystery. There’s a lot of process, trivial path on the road to my mysterious persona which will unfold. I didn’t answer the question. I didn’t even have a second thought to surpass such thing by telling a lie. I DIDN'T LIE. I CAN'T TAKE IT.
You may ask me now why I say these things. I’m the kind of person who can’t be easily governed or tricked! I hate it. I hate it when someone would create a fake identity to obtain my constant attention. My annoyance can’t be thoroughly stated here. We all have standards, right? I can’t lower down mine. I’m still open though that one can definitely find himself with the opposite of his criterion.
To that person: I can absolutely accept parallels and contrasts. I want honesty and quiddity of a person. Be extremely careful generating a new identity just to pass the standard I set. You didn’t succeed fooling me. Could you please stop fooling yourself now?
Friday, May 05, 2006
how do i love thee?
At this point in time I am concerned with the function of my heart and the inspiration my mind should grasp. I do wonder about my worth and how the hell will I live the next days of my life. As I grow each day, I sometimes undergo a certain point of ennui. I’m so familiar with all harmful sentiments it can give me, so still, I cannot give up.
The fluctuation of loving has demonstrated one thing to me. The feeling appears so weird and one abundant opportunity which is to experience it right there and then, by my ever-demanding self can never be given automatically. I should let hatred and bitterness get out of a cage for the atmosphere to purify them.
If I kneel down and thank God for giving me these special people I love, I will also state to Him that I do believe in the purpose of getting hurt - a course everyone should experience. Hey, let me add this one. How about when someone will always try to hurt me once in a while without giving me a good reason at all? And for another predicament to notice, he or she may even be a family member who has never been too nice to me.
I will never apologize if I’m becoming more open here. My blog isn’t popular anyway. I’m surprised from time to time when some people would tell me that they are my silent readers. For definitely, I have this to extricate my hand from something that doesn’t help me liberate my feelings. If this entry appears to be a pathetic form of wrath, you’ve just seen my slayer tendency for one damaging thing love can declare.
Did I say love? Oh, am I loved by that person anyway?
That’s one story about monsters I perceive. Can we try not to mess up one’s productive life that’s running through a practical way? Don’t give a damn and I won’t fuckin’ care about you too.
How Do I Love Thee?
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
I live with that one from Browning, a poem I’ve encountered in LIT class, first year college. When we love, it shall lead us to a spiritual realm. Souls do interact and that’s why we should be aware of the initial movement our hearts would create the first time we meet a person. That soul matter can also provide the idea why I can love anyone as long as there’s positive energy for me to dig.
I shall but love thee better after death. The line jolted through me. This sorry world can never be enough to articulate the fertility of one true love. I’ve tried so many times before to just vanish whenever someone would hurt me. I did hurt myself physically and begged God if He can bring my life to an end because usually, when I feel so ready to provide everything, the elasticity of both sides would just snap out. With those series of loses I’ve experienced or people sensed because of me, I request forgiveness to those people and to my own self also.
In paradise, one great thing shall remain and take two lovers up again. There's one thing we should die for. Realizing that the most worth it thing is the hardest thing to give up and nothing can hold us back to sacrifice a lot for it, I’ve decided that I can try to hurt myself again next time but I must be sure that I’ll definitely die and see myself in paradise where everything flows smoothly under God’s grace. I find it hard deciding on what form of death I should undergo. And for one non-fiction crime of mine, I haven’t found the person yet for it. Too early. I’ll live and heal brain trauma because I see one person on earth at this point who can expand my limits when I express love. I want to give it a try. Let’s see what can happen!
The fluctuation of loving has demonstrated one thing to me. The feeling appears so weird and one abundant opportunity which is to experience it right there and then, by my ever-demanding self can never be given automatically. I should let hatred and bitterness get out of a cage for the atmosphere to purify them.
If I kneel down and thank God for giving me these special people I love, I will also state to Him that I do believe in the purpose of getting hurt - a course everyone should experience. Hey, let me add this one. How about when someone will always try to hurt me once in a while without giving me a good reason at all? And for another predicament to notice, he or she may even be a family member who has never been too nice to me.
I will never apologize if I’m becoming more open here. My blog isn’t popular anyway. I’m surprised from time to time when some people would tell me that they are my silent readers. For definitely, I have this to extricate my hand from something that doesn’t help me liberate my feelings. If this entry appears to be a pathetic form of wrath, you’ve just seen my slayer tendency for one damaging thing love can declare.
Did I say love? Oh, am I loved by that person anyway?
That’s one story about monsters I perceive. Can we try not to mess up one’s productive life that’s running through a practical way? Don’t give a damn and I won’t fuckin’ care about you too.
How Do I Love Thee?
by Elizabeth Barrett Browning
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
I live with that one from Browning, a poem I’ve encountered in LIT class, first year college. When we love, it shall lead us to a spiritual realm. Souls do interact and that’s why we should be aware of the initial movement our hearts would create the first time we meet a person. That soul matter can also provide the idea why I can love anyone as long as there’s positive energy for me to dig.
I shall but love thee better after death. The line jolted through me. This sorry world can never be enough to articulate the fertility of one true love. I’ve tried so many times before to just vanish whenever someone would hurt me. I did hurt myself physically and begged God if He can bring my life to an end because usually, when I feel so ready to provide everything, the elasticity of both sides would just snap out. With those series of loses I’ve experienced or people sensed because of me, I request forgiveness to those people and to my own self also.
In paradise, one great thing shall remain and take two lovers up again. There's one thing we should die for. Realizing that the most worth it thing is the hardest thing to give up and nothing can hold us back to sacrifice a lot for it, I’ve decided that I can try to hurt myself again next time but I must be sure that I’ll definitely die and see myself in paradise where everything flows smoothly under God’s grace. I find it hard deciding on what form of death I should undergo. And for one non-fiction crime of mine, I haven’t found the person yet for it. Too early. I’ll live and heal brain trauma because I see one person on earth at this point who can expand my limits when I express love. I want to give it a try. Let’s see what can happen!
Thursday, May 04, 2006
in-depth
Rockwell reflexively helped me a lot to discharge some worries of mine yesterday. The relaxing and comforting atmosphere of the place, I am enthralled. I went to a salon for new haircut and hair color. I think it turned out fine, reasonable for the price I paid. My friend Av said so too. Ooops, my mom didn’t like the color at all. Mom thinks that I poked the bitchy machine and yes, I look like one matured ley-deh now? She’s nagging me about it. She agreed to my appeal. To keep this one for a week, then, change the color after. Urk. Rarrrr…..ahhhhh….….But anyway, I realized yesterday that I can show reluctance still. Ok, I met someone new. At that certain point, I turned down one thing and threw my cards on the garbage can. For that certain moment, I didn’t think that one opportunity may be lost, nevertheless, I didn’t need radical adjustments. I was so aware of what I really want. And it wasn’t there.
Moving on, apparent disagreement challenges me. One serious discussion renders to be unhelpful when it comes to inducing a new belief and putting it into practice straightforwardly. This cannot happen overnight and I hate it when someone would sound like, “Hey you know what, the truth is…. And yeah, go agree, because, I said so.”
There are different beliefs which we exercise and even if someone tries to encourage you to follow a new one, it will take years or it can never work for you. Past experiences do shape beliefs. An experience will forever remain a sole remembrance for you alone. Others can never be on that same situation you had. They can relate because their experiences may be “quite similar” with yours, a slight representation but can never be equivalent.
A suggestion which is to cast a shadow over one’s principle can absolutely make everything vague and many circumstances that are to follow may appear cryptic and puzzling. I’m not grumpy and sometimes, when someone would whine into something, it will be okay for me to just listen and discover how other people could handle this way of life. Opposing values can be in conflict forever and thus, “respect” can put everything in order. Don’t get caught by the foiling inertia.
Dear friend, I'm glad we're okay now. I was able to pull off a formless thought by asking directly and getting an honest answer in return. I felt so bad last night. I knew it, something was wrong but it couldn’t be me. Well, maybe. From the past months, I had given a constant attention to someone and probably, he is right to say that my act of separation can be a tough one to consider and can accentuate to one misunderstanding between the two of us.
I’m indeed flattered. I’ve just heard one smooth and sweet reason why he has that kind of fondness for me. I’m not easy to read and most people would tell me that I’m reserved most of the time. Umm, yes? Not that I am cautious or something but I see to it that every word, every action I produce must be heard and felt by people. I don’t want my time to be wasted. I don’t want to waste other people’s time either. I’m expressive and I have this experimental attitude. I follow my instinct and fear can never accommodate my drive when it's about loving people close to me. And besides, isn’t it good to be even anyway?
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
wanna read what's on my mind?
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do you know now?
trace the dots if they'll lead you somewhere.
but i guess, not at all.
i guess, we're both clueless.
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do you know now?
trace the dots if they'll lead you somewhere.
but i guess, not at all.
i guess, we're both clueless.
Monday, May 01, 2006
the catalyst
I’m driven by cravings to remember and uphold every memory. As I trace the earlier period of sweet memories, I see myself had gone a long way from it, nestled at a steady point. The fugacious spirit of a moment in time, something that lasts but only for a short time yet you can never discharge yourself once it haunts your presence.
On that one clear day, a good friend visited me. How come we haven’t seen each other for years? The past appeared on my eyes. All heartfelt letters from her that were left tear-soaked, every hug that crafted a vibrant feeling and everything she did for me without operating a single thrust to upset me.
The gratifying thing about her, she’s a good listener. She can’t stand in the way to oppose my beliefs but rather, pays respect. She started saying “So…. Blah blah…but…” and ended with one question I happen to ask myself all the time.
“Are you happy?” she said looking very interested.
Directly, I told her how odd my behavior could be for some, but it’s an extraordinary thing which I am proud to let somebody dear to me see and understand. I’d love to be faster than my tenseness, uninterrupted and said the Truth.
She didn’t hurt me. The swelling strings of my heart went frozen, so still. She could’ve dropped the painful sensation of mine to see it worse as I would elucidate more painful emotion but she looked at my eyes, shook of the sinister setting and removed all the discouraging moods that have troubled me for a long time.
“I’m proud of what you’ve become now. Keep in mind that whoever you choose to be, I will love you not less but even more…”
How disappointing that most people would try to be guided by the primitive way of living when most of them are having difficulties at the present time and suffer an entire loss. Some have long forgotten the real meaning of happiness and the power of choice.
I can still note an insulting verbal attack from my cousin one particular night that could splinter my frame of mind each time I wonder about myself. There’s no other fitting image I can have for myself rather than the gift my Savior bestowed on me. It was the first time I’ve felt so rejected and probably the last BUT never would I stop shooting down rejection as I'll continue revealing to the world the interior side of mine people should learn.
On that one clear day, a good friend visited me. How come we haven’t seen each other for years? The past appeared on my eyes. All heartfelt letters from her that were left tear-soaked, every hug that crafted a vibrant feeling and everything she did for me without operating a single thrust to upset me.
The gratifying thing about her, she’s a good listener. She can’t stand in the way to oppose my beliefs but rather, pays respect. She started saying “So…. Blah blah…but…” and ended with one question I happen to ask myself all the time.
“Are you happy?” she said looking very interested.
Directly, I told her how odd my behavior could be for some, but it’s an extraordinary thing which I am proud to let somebody dear to me see and understand. I’d love to be faster than my tenseness, uninterrupted and said the Truth.
She didn’t hurt me. The swelling strings of my heart went frozen, so still. She could’ve dropped the painful sensation of mine to see it worse as I would elucidate more painful emotion but she looked at my eyes, shook of the sinister setting and removed all the discouraging moods that have troubled me for a long time.
“I’m proud of what you’ve become now. Keep in mind that whoever you choose to be, I will love you not less but even more…”
How disappointing that most people would try to be guided by the primitive way of living when most of them are having difficulties at the present time and suffer an entire loss. Some have long forgotten the real meaning of happiness and the power of choice.
I can still note an insulting verbal attack from my cousin one particular night that could splinter my frame of mind each time I wonder about myself. There’s no other fitting image I can have for myself rather than the gift my Savior bestowed on me. It was the first time I’ve felt so rejected and probably the last BUT never would I stop shooting down rejection as I'll continue revealing to the world the interior side of mine people should learn.
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