the flight of chaotic wind

I wasn’t trained not to question. To be genuinely honest regarding what is inside my heart is what I want. I listen to what I have to know and can’t bear letting my mind be somewhere else. I do listen. I’ve decided that there has to be change though I couldn’t celebrate life’s indulgences yet. Not at this moment when I lost my focus on things.

Thanks to these people who took care of me and have shown great tenderness. There’s one thing dear to me which I believe hasn’t ended badly. When I let go of something, there’s this aching level of sadness that goes with it. But yes, I am not yet letting go. My rules have disappointed me though I’d still choose to locate myself at that certain position for others to examine how they should treat me.

I’d like to help people. It’s not everyday that you can let somebody else monitor if you’re passing through the right path. If you’re hurt, no one holds the responsibility for your personal pain. Some people just can’t control themselves. I do have my helpless moments and once in a while, I do travel to the stream of consciousness in order to have clear thinking. Some people want others to help them, but what’s the point when they go off to do their thing as though have never listened and the initial request made it difficult to help them. I see no point.

The act of being myself and to be appreciated by someone is wonderful. There are certain things that would draw closer to me no matter how hard I try departing in secret. I ask for the truth because denial has a way of grasping and squeezing the chest when things have to be forgotten and of course, denied. Remember, there’s no way you can run from these things.

I still have hope in my heart, it’s funny. A part that also saddens me. I found my kind of world. And I want to be part of it. I don’t want too much to spend my time in experimentation. I’m surely aware of what these results are. To that certain world of mine, someday, I’ll make it there. People would be aware that there are a lot of possibilities, that there are so many other things beyond our control. I can’t spend the rest of my life trying to please people, ending up displeased. I don’t impose my will on people but there’s this responsibility I should do to myself. Even if I'm living in my own chaotic world, on the brighter side of it, there's "chance" when I give it a try and present my own force. I won't be planning the route, I know who I am, and it's the journey that really matters.

Shit.

There are various causes for this pain I am feeling. Several people. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to cry at the suffering that has captured one’s heart. It makes me want to cry that one day, I’ll suffer badly at my own decisions. It makes me want to cry that I’ll always be incapable of complete happiness when I could hurt others out of the force which comes from my heart’s influence. If I should end up alone in the end, it’s the fear of the unknown that would rule me. The act of loss and bitterness, if should be done, how would I react? I wish there’ll always be hope no matter how foggy the direction forward is.