there's no phoenix here

Probably, I am overreacting. Frustration is no stranger to anyone. Someone can’t constantly position me on a certain place and observe the way I respond to some things. With so many people living in this world, can you possibly refuse yourself to get to know someone new and allow your own world get bigger?

Desire and excitement begin to creep in and we ask, “What do these things want from me?” It’s shit when we consider the thought that everything happens for a reason. That only proves that there are many things not under our control. Some people refuse to open their eyes and limit their capacity to gain some more. It’s easy for a friend to recommend the “get over it” or “it will soon end” strategy. I hope it works for some, for a person to build a genuine character. But for me, it simply doesn’t work.

All I want is to be just, to have a new beginning and a fresh start. Depth. Such thing is what I want for myself and to receive from others as well. Who in the world can accept me? Who in the world can forgive me? Who in the world can love me? Time needs to slow down a bit. For so many years, one person has been giving me the right amount of affection I should accept out of a reasonable reason: I am loved by someone who isn’t afraid to reciprocate.

I can’t go on to the next phase and compare my life to someone else. My mistakes shouldn’t bring my determination to an end. I don’t stop caring and giving. On the brighter side, I still belong in the world, not empty.

I’m in the corner and yes, I'm tired, yet my doors are positioned at a certain place where a lot of people pass by. Who would I see coming across and enter into my world with his whole heart? I give it a chance to shield myself, somehow, and say no to the hurting voice even just for now. I don’t mean that I will disconnect myself from a life of freedom and hope. I’ll always want to learn. If my own memory is the only tool I can choose to invent an event that can never happen or can never happen again, why not? Illusion can be a better option sometimes. In the first place, I expected so much... when I shouldn't.

If someone still needs to re-open my scars and step on them please, please, do it now. Do it now. Don’t wait for the moment that I can no longer feel, that I can no longer see how everything makes sense.

Maybe letting go communicates one’s strength. Maybe love isn’t enough to let someone love you freely, in an instant. Maybe some wonderful things are just meant to be discovered, not to be learned and experienced each day. Maybe I still have to be still and see if someone would let me feel useful and worthy. Maybe. Or maybe, it’s time to stand on my own two feet again.

Off the topic: I changed my hair color. This is change. Simple one.