another day, another thought

Do I need to transform myself into a protean character and then pick out the right thing for me to get praise or at least high approval? The illusory self I should/must reveal is apt to be ephemeral then if it's going to be like that. In the case of my difficulty being away from indomitable viewpoints of others, I remain calm with the thought that "I'm not perfect but He gave me freedom..."

I'm receptive to the might every angle this world I am enclosed. Being sentient to whatever way that appeals to me as a thing to be loved doesn't only show an idea of my ability to become unguarded but moreover, ever evolving self of mine and yes, improving self (?), admitting the weakest spot and letting the concentration of strength gush through my veins.

I don't have to stoop myself; act to become decisive for in no form will the unwavering character that I've got will be shown. Things should be different now and I must be away from the depths of desolation.

Summer would usually give me a scope of self-indulgence to the extent that I will never forget each substantial memory it provided me (...like knowing the point of religion, my careless getaway to a beach and my union with a skewed juvenile romance). But now, will this summer be pointless? I feel like I've lost something...I don't even know what it is.

Get the feeling that you're never

All alone and I remember now

At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies

She dies

(My Chemical Romance "The Ghost of You")

*last night in my bed*

Whenever I pay attention to music, feeling low, music sets me away from feeling worse out of my current disposition. It's also like an act of absolving my sins, may it be grave or just one hell regular idiocy. My plan of "really" learning the guitar should take place this vacation. My friend had asked me last night if I'm willing to play with them, compete for the Band Expo and I replied to her that I'm interested.

Still, a part of me has an amount of uneasiness. I may be able to go home all the way to Cavite, engage myself in uncontrolled drum playing for our band practice and succeed in my aim to be away from resonant sound of city life that often leaves me without peace of mind BUT to abscond from all the hopes Manila could promise me for the coming days can increase the length of dullness the whole place has been for several days. I feel like there's still something good coming my way which I will definitely find here. Yes, "here".

By the way, I received my high school yearbook with my barkada last Wednesday. Before opening it, I became so concerned about the write-up on my page which was written by Aila, my bestfriend. My nature to forget attacked me once again that I failed to recall what she wrote for me. I read it seriously. It made me smile. I don't only give respect to her for being a writer (a good one) but my high regard as well that she knows me and how we tried in our own ways to understand, love and be aware of the value of our friendship.

Sorry if this entry is getting so long. I give an apology also to some people if I don't reply to your messages via sms. I get the chance reading them. My phone needs rest and my fingers are drained pressing down keys. Please try to reach me through YM (I'm always on invisible mode) or e-mail.

Ying_028@yahoo.com

i hope that i won't stay with this kind of feeling for months

My belongingness to things interweaves as each string keeps on connecting from one point to another. There I go, remaining to hope ruled by danger. Loose or tight thread (how we hold or the way we are held)---not the root, but the stem. It is the support. The thing to sustain me is unclear, but could be found somewhere I believe.

My actions and decisions apparently flee on the way to the next part. I am just like you. I think of several people who left me and I have let go. I draw closer to rejection, failure, desolation and especially, the collapsed hidden part of mine that swallows in secret. Yes, like you too, though I am deflecting the chance of things around me to remain unchanged.

I carry gravitas at the same time turning away from a thought that I am immeasurably small. It is a clash inside me. Undergoing such, I do not identify the measure of endurance. I am at an imbalanced state diminishing the weight of my anguish, trying if it is the thing that must be done. But how do I start? Where is the beginning? Do I have to do random guessing? So many questions, and look, I am perceptive. So do not think that I find this state a trouble-free one, when in fact, it is not.

Moving on... Off the earlier thought.

I have been praying to win the process altogether of getting the attention of the person I have a thing for. I want a more permanent solution. I received the trust. Imagine that. An adequate amount of appreciation coming from the person becomes very perceptible. All my defenses surrender to fondness, circumventing the connection that is only between the two of us.

But that is that. Just that. Not that I am incapable of giving love but the force seems to be insufficient or maybe the time for it has not reached my place yet. And yes, I just love helping people most especially in a certain case that I find his/her situation similar to the thing I have experienced in the past.

Three people via sms called for my help today. One person even said that I am a person from the paradise. The feeling is gratifying. It made me smile even for a short time.

hello summer!

I am extremely happy. Finally, summer break is mine!

After school, I was with the company of some blockmates. We ate together. Fun! I won't refuse to shout here that I will miss them.

What made my day really grand? I grabbed the chance to play the drums. The hell, I couldn't be any happier at this very moment. We rented a room at Perfect Pitch. There, we hooked the i-pod on an amplifier so I can have an accompaniment. My mood turned positive. Rock and roll!

When I was in 3rd year hs, I started to have poor vision eyes. I was advised to wear glasses. I have a pair but I feel uneasy whenever I would wear them. When I strolled the mall, I saw a nice frame and bought it. Look at the upper left photo. Weird enough?

Dad brought home a Yamaha CG-100A years ago. No one at home tried playing it. It is a classical guitar and a good one, I assume. To be skilled at playing the guitar is my goal this summer. I will be enrolling in a music school this April.

Finally!

I so love the song "Hands Down". Here is the video of it...

Just nothing...

I had to see the person take my breath away again. I do not want to take a greater affection once more. I am considering the fact that I was over that person for about two days already and do not recognize our chance of going out (when we had plans for it). Do I have to experience a hysterical food trip everytime that I want a person be elsewhere? When deep inside, I am exposed to a feeling I could not deny---so uncomforting, and frightening at the same time.

I delay time and pray that I would not receive any message via sms from the person I am mentioning here.

We watched the movie "Just Friends" on dvd while waiting for our next exam.

I would love to blog for more things but I have to start studying for our last exam scheduled tomorrow. Summer break is coming!

I will be on a diet right away. I need to recover.

describing what i feel

How should I start? Earlier than this, I was seriously thinking about a lot of things. I must thank divinatory practices that seek to reveal something about the future from the inner part of someone I come close (gaydar ability, predicted absences of professors, some don't-know-how-to-explain-but-I-just-know). Oops, did I scare you? Do not take that seriously. The tendencies and possibilities are great when visualized. It is not with the loudness of our words needed to be able to communicate well with one another. Through the power of silence, there is the core of sincerity so calm and continues to send powerful waves constantly. Practically, it hopes to be perceived through actions.

I see people who refuse to fight ever and take a lot of risk in life. When a person holds back from the thing he wants, he only delays time and waits for the arrival of sleepless nights, tear-soaked journal and yes, the disposition to forever distress arising from too much bitterness.

That was the person in me before. Well, partially.

My dreams are inanimate. I must keep in mind that I will always need the right kind or sense of passion to bestow life and light upon the journey.

I remember! Three days before this, I was so hard to be read by a lot of people. Love can be "mutually destructive". Once I give in, I forget being logical about it. One day, our professor told us that we do not need to define love. I am glad to be reminded of that. It is a feeling - the feeling of being one with each other with the different effects on two individuals as they experience romance.

Am I talking about love again? It cannot go out of my system, not now. If ever I will think about reducing it drastically, I am just afraid to encounter grief or pain itself. I will miss out something definitely.

Pain will lighten a lone soul once again. As it stands up, it has been recharged and ready to pour forth liberally its identity.

Am I to make mistakes again? Let us see.

go away paranoia

I was saved by an ice cream

can i watch a leaf fall?

The tears I saw from someone's eyes is something I cannot recover from at this moment. I maintain truthful intention to each action that I choose to do. I may want to embrace the huge love from this particular person but it seems to be wrong when I know that I am not the right person to take it. I am away from being selfish.

I am glad to learn a lot of things from new people. Last night, I was with some of my blockmates to finish our newsletter in journ subject. "Do you know yourself?" I was asked. It made me think. Straightforward I answered, "Not that much. But I do."

I am so pleased whenever I find myself in an unusual conversation. Whenever I share something significant about my character, I feel like I was never deprived by life. It is by knowing and maintaining absorption to discover more of the inner self. I was never free. I only let freedom get close to me even just a bit. That is enough for now.

CHANCE is the thing I aspire at this moment.

I will be posting some lines from the novel that I am writing for quite a long time already. :)

It is not the planned things that she needs. I, Chance, can dissipate the deficiency of requiring the unplanned shade the road. I might be given a commendation for future's domination. If she would only listen to my genuine hushed acclamation, grand things will be cherished.

In a soundless freedom space, I was created. Gods from above with lengthy hair stretched across the cosmos. A herculean task was equivocated to me one day. As every man catches a glimpse on a jet black sky, gods' hair move backward and forward all together. There, the stars neither lose their colors nor lighten; they only embrace the burnished magic as long as they do not go on for too long. In our universe, possibilities are valued. Every kind of subterfuge positions is my aim for a good foundation. I believe these things reflect best when brought together.

Away From You

I am experiencing a naive form as I deal with things. I thought that I was the most free person on earth! Damn it. I am at the most vulnerable stage and perhaps, the place I fret a lot because of the change it can give my life only by a single shot.

Each day, I search for unexplainable things. Every sense of touch matters to me. The journey links up with the sublime, I understand carefully. I might have won acceptance of some but that does not make my life untouchable. I will still meet questions, grief and all forms of uncertainty.

I do not want to waste the love of this person many times. The hardest part is not falling in love, but allowing yourself to fall out. In that case, I certainly know the calculated feelings I keep and if I would allow love to let go, that is it. I know what I want. But for the other, I might be viewed as an unreasonable jerk, when in fact, I am not.

I hate to worsen the situation so I decided to disappear and learn what I did by heart. Love has no guarantees. It only works when two people set the attempt of feeding the connection with honesty, faith and love of course.

I have just asked myself, "Was it all worth it?"

Silence.

"Yes."

7 Things

• the world that has almost everything allows me to search for some more
• one's passion for life makes me want to think at a lucid state
• screaming voices of the Filipino people tell me why my aching soul must be muted for days
• as many people search for new connections, such act reminds me of the people whom I have lost in the past
• getting expressive to what I feel for someone is opening myself to a vivid connection and risking my doors to despair
• knowing the fact that I am not a kid anymore keeps me connected with the time I might waste or taken with interest
• writing these things only means that I am living the great days life can ever offer

What I have been eating for days.

Damn love it. :)

Aila's Finally 18!

Last night was Aila's debut. Finally, she's 18. Legal! More exciting exploration is to get nearer and that is for sure.

I asked my mom to put makeup on my face. I am not in favor of having somebody else do it for me. My mom knows well what I want. It turned out to be fine anyway.

The party was held at Silang Forest Life in Silang, Cavite. The place was charming and the arrangement was impressive. Flowers encircled the place. The swimming pool somewhere at the core of the place was damn striking. Many guests arrived, so thrilled about the flow of the celebration.

Me, Aiza, Hannah and Joan

Aiza and Ian were the night's hosts. As they started to provide words that will serve as a signal for Aila to come out, I was so energized of seeing how she will look on her night.

She appeared. Wow. The hours of darkness departed the moment she headed near the swimming pool. We saw her. I witnessed my bestfriend's transformation into a lady and I damn loved it.

Off the topic:

The man I thought I loved diverted my attention to what I am now. The woman I chose to be is essential to my character and how I deal with people. I will still do things on the way I would love to even if others disagree.

I only want to love and be loved.

So what is the matter?

I did another scary move and I felt so good after doing it.

THE L Word

It is grateful to see that somehow, the world is finally unwrapped to put on view the lives of queer people.

Our professor in sociology asked us to watch Brokeback Mountain and pass a movie analysis as part of our requirements. . The film is about two cowboys falling in love with each other. Yes, queer as it sounds. But, if I were to choose what story is to be assessed, I would go for the tv series The L Word.

I think two women look good together. It is a new approach on female's homosexuality. I watched the first episode of The L Word's season 1 and it brought real lives to the screen.

Considering the fact that your actions do not fit the mannerisms of stereotypes, this does not mean that you are not gay.

Gay and straight exist although a lot of people are somewhere in the middle. For me, the best thing to do is to find the real voice from the inner part of the soul if you are gay.

The term bisexual (same sex and opposite sex) is for people who would prefer to wait for further examination. And in the end,

choose from two options: straight or lesbian.

Labels are not important after all. To pursue happiness does not depend on the sex of the person you are with.

It is an excellent opportunity to know who you are. Honesty can bring you happiness. Love wipes away differences.

Damien Rice "Cannonball" Still a little bit of your ghost your witness Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed You step a little closer each day Still I can't say what's going on Stones taught me to fly Love taught me to lie Life taught me to die So it's not hard to fall When you float like a cannonball... 'Cause it's not hard to fall And I don't wanna scare her It's not hard to fall And I don't wanna lose It's not hard to grow When you know that you just don't know...

heart thing

I am the kind of person who prefers the physical look be something else. Not so vain, only attached to the Lord's gift.

I managed to get a new hairstyle right after school. I asked the hair stylist to put on golden brown highlights on my hair.

Look…


Shall I say that my heart is so tough when it comes to falling in love? The guy I have been mentioning here is getting to know me. He admitted his real feelings for me. I admire romance but getting in there, no way. Its will to overpower my own mind and heart is something sufferable for me. I cannot take it.

When he is around, he makes me feel that I am a woman. When he offers ways to make me smile, I experience a heavenly feeling. BUT, I hate to be treated like a princess by a man. The scene becomes awful.

Whenever Silence comes, I start to think. There is trauma inside me and the cure seems a long way to be reached. There are things people can never understand and I hope, this would not last long.

My feelings for him can never be similar to what he has for me. He knows the reason but why can't he stop?

I want to live devoted

I talked with a friend about my childhood life. The imaginary girl at the window whom I named Dolores, my guns, the Robin Padilla look of mine to impress my mom and lola with the changed inflection of my voice sounding like a boy. What my friend did not know, while I was that generous sharing my childhood days, on my mind, one floating thought came.

Puff the Magic Dragon. The song talks about a little boy who loses interest in his playmate Puff, the dragon and suddenly escapes from the wings of childhood.

I remember then. That was a favorite! Currently, I am seventeen. Whew.

Look at what the exploration did to me. It cannot be over - not until my last breath. And there, yes, to the Lord I must surrender in the end

In school, I learn a lot. I do not grab the tendency of letting it be a daily routine. I love what I learn and appreciate the chance. LIT class never fails to gratify my senses.

I had a thought before on what life must have been if I am taking up Creative Writing or Literature. I am a paramour of such courses. Like what others say, music and art are almost as full of allusions as literature is. I will leave it there and continue taking steps towards my ambition as I finish Journalism one day.

The god from the machine has the most excellent contribution to every problem I am to encounter in life. But without my own being to play, life is pointless.

I see that my perspective is not homologous to some. At this point, I am at the peak where I see disgrace on the lack of understanding by some people and their disrespectful reactions on others' personal views. No matter how things can be potentially dangerous, I want to talk about life, human behavior, love, death, fate, being true to one's self and the balanced state of giving. I carry time to discover, look up and look down, dance, sing, weep, say what is on my mind and to pray

I offer my mind and heart to people, secrets and freedom.