another day, another thought

Do I need to transform myself into a protean character and then pick out the right thing for me to get praise or at least high approval? The illusory self I should/must reveal is apt to be ephemeral then if it's going to be like that. In the case of my difficulty being away from indomitable viewpoints of others, I remain calm with the thought that "I'm not perfect but He gave me freedom..."

I'm receptive to the might every angle this world I am enclosed. Being sentient to whatever way that appeals to me as a thing to be loved doesn't only show an idea of my ability to become unguarded but moreover, ever evolving self of mine and yes, improving self (?), admitting the weakest spot and letting the concentration of strength gush through my veins.

I don't have to stoop myself; act to become decisive for in no form will the unwavering character that I've got will be shown. Things should be different now and I must be away from the depths of desolation.

Summer would usually give me a scope of self-indulgence to the extent that I will never forget each substantial memory it provided me (...like knowing the point of religion, my careless getaway to a beach and my union with a skewed juvenile romance). But now, will this summer be pointless? I feel like I've lost something...I don't even know what it is.

Get the feeling that you're never

All alone and I remember now

At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies

She dies

(My Chemical Romance "The Ghost of You")

*last night in my bed*

Whenever I pay attention to music, feeling low, music sets me away from feeling worse out of my current disposition. It's also like an act of absolving my sins, may it be grave or just one hell regular idiocy. My plan of "really" learning the guitar should take place this vacation. My friend had asked me last night if I'm willing to play with them, compete for the Band Expo and I replied to her that I'm interested.

Still, a part of me has an amount of uneasiness. I may be able to go home all the way to Cavite, engage myself in uncontrolled drum playing for our band practice and succeed in my aim to be away from resonant sound of city life that often leaves me without peace of mind BUT to abscond from all the hopes Manila could promise me for the coming days can increase the length of dullness the whole place has been for several days. I feel like there's still something good coming my way which I will definitely find here. Yes, "here".

By the way, I received my high school yearbook with my barkada last Wednesday. Before opening it, I became so concerned about the write-up on my page which was written by Aila, my bestfriend. My nature to forget attacked me once again that I failed to recall what she wrote for me. I read it seriously. It made me smile. I don't only give respect to her for being a writer (a good one) but my high regard as well that she knows me and how we tried in our own ways to understand, love and be aware of the value of our friendship.

Sorry if this entry is getting so long. I give an apology also to some people if I don't reply to your messages via sms. I get the chance reading them. My phone needs rest and my fingers are drained pressing down keys. Please try to reach me through YM (I'm always on invisible mode) or e-mail.

Ying_028@yahoo.com