Thursday, August 31, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
just a quick insight
Today has formed one thing such as life; where seconds, minutes, hours, actions, words, thoughts, emotions and people enclosed me inside a calm region. The sweetest thing. No more poems today. In no way would I write another letter that materializes how dysfunctional it is without being read by anyone. And my soul dives, drinking quickly the prevailing zeal in behalf of any causes; embracing change and difference and swarming all the troubles of the world that very soon, will be swallowed by the deep water I used to stand in.
This gives a signal that I have changed; that my dissatisfaction patterned an extensive array of new choices and decisions. And a state like this requires constant care or else, it could die rapidly, faster than my stretched arms.
I notice things I never did before. The way I perceive and respond to sensations bearing disturbances (a bit), appear to be brighter, warmer and younger. Goodbye to you ongoing depression. The harmony of things is apt to be ephemeral but I don’t care. It chose me. It contains me. Opposite feelings are far away from me.
Han tagged me! So here it goes:
Once tagged by this entry, write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about yourself. In the end of it, pick six ofyour friends and tag them! (No tag backs).This explanation must be included of course!
1. I'm truly interested in expanding my vocabulary so when I'm bored, I browse words from my electronic dictionary.
2. I'm a sentient being who welcomes and responds to sensations. What I love most? When somebody's near me and we do body language together.
3. When I'm not interested, I'm not. I don't care about any law, rule... whatsoever.
4. Summer 2006, I spent time going online from 9 PM until 3 AM or 4 AM. Whoa! I miss those days. Man, that was everyday.
5. A particular someone had given me 3 rosaries already that I'll definitely treasure forever.
6. The phoenix, a firebird is what I want to be.
Who to tag? Anyone! You're free to do so. :)
This gives a signal that I have changed; that my dissatisfaction patterned an extensive array of new choices and decisions. And a state like this requires constant care or else, it could die rapidly, faster than my stretched arms.
I notice things I never did before. The way I perceive and respond to sensations bearing disturbances (a bit), appear to be brighter, warmer and younger. Goodbye to you ongoing depression. The harmony of things is apt to be ephemeral but I don’t care. It chose me. It contains me. Opposite feelings are far away from me.
Han tagged me! So here it goes:
Once tagged by this entry, write a blog entry of some kind with six random facts about yourself. In the end of it, pick six ofyour friends and tag them! (No tag backs).This explanation must be included of course!
1. I'm truly interested in expanding my vocabulary so when I'm bored, I browse words from my electronic dictionary.
2. I'm a sentient being who welcomes and responds to sensations. What I love most? When somebody's near me and we do body language together.
3. When I'm not interested, I'm not. I don't care about any law, rule... whatsoever.
4. Summer 2006, I spent time going online from 9 PM until 3 AM or 4 AM. Whoa! I miss those days. Man, that was everyday.
5. A particular someone had given me 3 rosaries already that I'll definitely treasure forever.
6. The phoenix, a firebird is what I want to be.
Who to tag? Anyone! You're free to do so. :)
Friday, August 25, 2006
new faith
I’m no longer confined by the influence of grief and disorder of thoughts but it's still there. I’m not skilled at putting out of my mind something special, something that for a long span of time had become a part of me and established my kind of world---a variety of what I needed and what I wanted. It was exceptional and for once, the most important thing to me.
At some point, I’ve been very sorry. The spell of guilt is provided to me in abundance like you can never imagine. I’m not being blamed by someone though, yet I know that I should be mindful about these things that fell just like that and ruined one thing we shared and devoted our very best.
I was told that there must be change. In the moment of ecstasy, my insecurities were covered up with something that was eager to give me endless days of excitement. I was deeply carried away. What I have to be sorry about is the way I treated these things, meanly. Selfish motives of mine departed the most magical life given to me freely. Ugh. Magic must be gone when it has no more reason to stay. It must go to some other place, a better one where somebody else will determine the significance of its spell as he undergoes innocence, unaware of what he’ll be getting out of it. The powerless individual; there goes vulnerability when one’s power is reduced by another power or rather a spell that’s more dominant.
I was that person before, a person swayed by the greatest gift. But the rush of sinful thoughts dwelled upon me like a curse. An expression of disappointment gleamed out upon my features, proving that there was darkness within me. I’ve been terribly lost. I thought that the best way of finding my path at length was to look for some more, even for short-term without realizing how it could hurt a delicate soul.
This chaos crumbles the path, a path that could decay very soon. I won't let it happen. If this is the only way I must be punished, I gladly accept it. Regret is quaking within me but peace is something that must come in that I had never allowed entering before. These sorrowful occurrences had flung against my attention that when I give this time, I should offer entirely, sincerely. My heart had now grown hard and durable. This experience is composed of glittering symbols which will serve as my guide to protect and love something or someone who is essential. To offer love even as by silence, attentive enough that I wouldn’t let somebody else’s life sacrifice for the expectation of suffering pain that I can give.
For days, I’ve been sharing a moving conversation with a friend at this coffee shop. Frankness produces our willpower to be driven, share with each other about our experiences or even bringing up things we don’t like about each other. Very true, take everything one step at a time. The problem is not how it will be easy for you to move on, but to put directions to where you’re going. Setting free doesn’t represent how ready you are to learn and accept your fate. It must be done to give better things the chance to work for you, build the new form of happiness. New love comes. And it goes. You know what’s the best thing I like bout it? When it’s there, with me. The moment I’m determined to submit my fragile heart to it, not expecting for something to be given in return. I’m happy and what’s scary about it? To miss the chance of responding to its call, unafraid to take the risk and endure the torture that may come around. The profound depth, the mystery of falling in love naturally is here. Through the whole ugliness of my mistakes, with these remorseful feelings, I think there’s no effort anymore for me to change. Someone new came and changed me. I continue the care in all good faith.
At some point, I’ve been very sorry. The spell of guilt is provided to me in abundance like you can never imagine. I’m not being blamed by someone though, yet I know that I should be mindful about these things that fell just like that and ruined one thing we shared and devoted our very best.
I was told that there must be change. In the moment of ecstasy, my insecurities were covered up with something that was eager to give me endless days of excitement. I was deeply carried away. What I have to be sorry about is the way I treated these things, meanly. Selfish motives of mine departed the most magical life given to me freely. Ugh. Magic must be gone when it has no more reason to stay. It must go to some other place, a better one where somebody else will determine the significance of its spell as he undergoes innocence, unaware of what he’ll be getting out of it. The powerless individual; there goes vulnerability when one’s power is reduced by another power or rather a spell that’s more dominant.
I was that person before, a person swayed by the greatest gift. But the rush of sinful thoughts dwelled upon me like a curse. An expression of disappointment gleamed out upon my features, proving that there was darkness within me. I’ve been terribly lost. I thought that the best way of finding my path at length was to look for some more, even for short-term without realizing how it could hurt a delicate soul.
"Remember Me This Way" Jordan Hill
You're the best friend that I've found
I know you can't stay
But part of you will never, ever go away
Your heart will stay
I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life will just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way.. Remeber me this way..
This chaos crumbles the path, a path that could decay very soon. I won't let it happen. If this is the only way I must be punished, I gladly accept it. Regret is quaking within me but peace is something that must come in that I had never allowed entering before. These sorrowful occurrences had flung against my attention that when I give this time, I should offer entirely, sincerely. My heart had now grown hard and durable. This experience is composed of glittering symbols which will serve as my guide to protect and love something or someone who is essential. To offer love even as by silence, attentive enough that I wouldn’t let somebody else’s life sacrifice for the expectation of suffering pain that I can give.
For days, I’ve been sharing a moving conversation with a friend at this coffee shop. Frankness produces our willpower to be driven, share with each other about our experiences or even bringing up things we don’t like about each other. Very true, take everything one step at a time. The problem is not how it will be easy for you to move on, but to put directions to where you’re going. Setting free doesn’t represent how ready you are to learn and accept your fate. It must be done to give better things the chance to work for you, build the new form of happiness. New love comes. And it goes. You know what’s the best thing I like bout it? When it’s there, with me. The moment I’m determined to submit my fragile heart to it, not expecting for something to be given in return. I’m happy and what’s scary about it? To miss the chance of responding to its call, unafraid to take the risk and endure the torture that may come around. The profound depth, the mystery of falling in love naturally is here. Through the whole ugliness of my mistakes, with these remorseful feelings, I think there’s no effort anymore for me to change. Someone new came and changed me. I continue the care in all good faith.
Monday, August 21, 2006
there's no phoenix here
Probably, I am overreacting. Frustration is no stranger to anyone. Someone can’t constantly position me on a certain place and observe the way I respond to some things. With so many people living in this world, can you possibly refuse yourself to get to know someone new and allow your own world get bigger?
Desire and excitement begin to creep in and we ask, “What do these things want from me?” It’s shit when we consider the thought that everything happens for a reason. That only proves that there are many things not under our control. Some people refuse to open their eyes and limit their capacity to gain some more. It’s easy for a friend to recommend the “get over it” or “it will soon end” strategy. I hope it works for some, for a person to build a genuine character. But for me, it simply doesn’t work.
All I want is to be just, to have a new beginning and a fresh start. Depth. Such thing is what I want for myself and to receive from others as well. Who in the world can accept me? Who in the world can forgive me? Who in the world can love me? Time needs to slow down a bit. For so many years, one person has been giving me the right amount of affection I should accept out of a reasonable reason: I am loved by someone who isn’t afraid to reciprocate.
I can’t go on to the next phase and compare my life to someone else. My mistakes shouldn’t bring my determination to an end. I don’t stop caring and giving. On the brighter side, I still belong in the world, not empty.
I’m in the corner and yes, I'm tired, yet my doors are positioned at a certain place where a lot of people pass by. Who would I see coming across and enter into my world with his whole heart? I give it a chance to shield myself, somehow, and say no to the hurting voice even just for now. I don’t mean that I will disconnect myself from a life of freedom and hope. I’ll always want to learn. If my own memory is the only tool I can choose to invent an event that can never happen or can never happen again, why not? Illusion can be a better option sometimes. In the first place, I expected so much... when I shouldn't.
If someone still needs to re-open my scars and step on them please, please, do it now. Do it now. Don’t wait for the moment that I can no longer feel, that I can no longer see how everything makes sense.
Maybe letting go communicates one’s strength. Maybe love isn’t enough to let someone love you freely, in an instant. Maybe some wonderful things are just meant to be discovered, not to be learned and experienced each day. Maybe I still have to be still and see if someone would let me feel useful and worthy. Maybe. Or maybe, it’s time to stand on my own two feet again.
Off the topic: I changed my hair color. This is change. Simple one.
Desire and excitement begin to creep in and we ask, “What do these things want from me?” It’s shit when we consider the thought that everything happens for a reason. That only proves that there are many things not under our control. Some people refuse to open their eyes and limit their capacity to gain some more. It’s easy for a friend to recommend the “get over it” or “it will soon end” strategy. I hope it works for some, for a person to build a genuine character. But for me, it simply doesn’t work.
All I want is to be just, to have a new beginning and a fresh start. Depth. Such thing is what I want for myself and to receive from others as well. Who in the world can accept me? Who in the world can forgive me? Who in the world can love me? Time needs to slow down a bit. For so many years, one person has been giving me the right amount of affection I should accept out of a reasonable reason: I am loved by someone who isn’t afraid to reciprocate.
I can’t go on to the next phase and compare my life to someone else. My mistakes shouldn’t bring my determination to an end. I don’t stop caring and giving. On the brighter side, I still belong in the world, not empty.
I’m in the corner and yes, I'm tired, yet my doors are positioned at a certain place where a lot of people pass by. Who would I see coming across and enter into my world with his whole heart? I give it a chance to shield myself, somehow, and say no to the hurting voice even just for now. I don’t mean that I will disconnect myself from a life of freedom and hope. I’ll always want to learn. If my own memory is the only tool I can choose to invent an event that can never happen or can never happen again, why not? Illusion can be a better option sometimes. In the first place, I expected so much... when I shouldn't.
If someone still needs to re-open my scars and step on them please, please, do it now. Do it now. Don’t wait for the moment that I can no longer feel, that I can no longer see how everything makes sense.
Maybe letting go communicates one’s strength. Maybe love isn’t enough to let someone love you freely, in an instant. Maybe some wonderful things are just meant to be discovered, not to be learned and experienced each day. Maybe I still have to be still and see if someone would let me feel useful and worthy. Maybe. Or maybe, it’s time to stand on my own two feet again.
Off the topic: I changed my hair color. This is change. Simple one.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
eternal freedom
Happiness for me has been rarely attained. I felt low last Friday. My sister made plans earlier about going to the mall with her. It was the first time I spent too much for myself for a single day. I felt like I don’t want to understand some situations. I tried escaping but failed. I do stand up for myself, for my beliefs, but it hasn’t been that easy, to search for truth in life, to feel strongly about things, to let go when you must, to be hated and loved at the same time.
My energy can be somehow drained about the comings and goings that are happening in my life. Some friends are in agreement with my new decisions while others aren’t. I am the one who’ll be left with no one and nothing in the end, if that will be my luck this time, so why bother? If there’s someone who’d really want to come in, I’ll feel grateful. No one on earth is abandoned. We spend too much time to offer all our attention to something that attracts us and we capture it to experience rush motions, endless longings and striking fantasies that formulate our everyday pleasure. Do you ever imagine the time it will go? I can’t picture it now. Or I don’t want to. But I had been there and was almost at the point of jadedness. It doesn’t scare me that much. I can’t kid myself, at this point that I am putting big emphasis on connection. I build my dreams in the dark. I put passion to love and desire.
If you ask where am I in my life today, my answer will be, “I don’t know and not so aware how everything has worked out so far for me.” My ambition remains. I can’t stop. I can directly look into the mirror of truth and genuinely review the past chapters of my life. Funny, the moment I tried reading old testimonials in my Friendster account. It reminded me about lost loved ones, people who left, how I’ve been hurt and how I’ve been used. Definitely, I should strip off the things that are holding me back today and the things about me which they’ve learned to love must be eternal treasures as I embark on my journey.
My faith is being sharpened by a person, someone who can’t be outside my reality. I’m afraid that one day will come that I’ll be dropped very hard and find myself shattered in the end. Sabi nga nina D and A, “Bawal ma-excite!” I've been practicing it. My intellect demands a lot of answers by asking one simple question. I am flying without any direction, see? I’m enjoying free will. The feeling of not distanced allows me to get pleasure from trouble-free days; holding the gift of peace. Finally. Yes, I think so.
I bought two classic books and I’m currently reading Nathaniel Hawthorne’s “The Scarlet Letter”. I wanna go on to the next chapter! Boo to school papers that must be submitted. Rarrr. Ha ha.
My energy can be somehow drained about the comings and goings that are happening in my life. Some friends are in agreement with my new decisions while others aren’t. I am the one who’ll be left with no one and nothing in the end, if that will be my luck this time, so why bother? If there’s someone who’d really want to come in, I’ll feel grateful. No one on earth is abandoned. We spend too much time to offer all our attention to something that attracts us and we capture it to experience rush motions, endless longings and striking fantasies that formulate our everyday pleasure. Do you ever imagine the time it will go? I can’t picture it now. Or I don’t want to. But I had been there and was almost at the point of jadedness. It doesn’t scare me that much. I can’t kid myself, at this point that I am putting big emphasis on connection. I build my dreams in the dark. I put passion to love and desire.
If you ask where am I in my life today, my answer will be, “I don’t know and not so aware how everything has worked out so far for me.” My ambition remains. I can’t stop. I can directly look into the mirror of truth and genuinely review the past chapters of my life. Funny, the moment I tried reading old testimonials in my Friendster account. It reminded me about lost loved ones, people who left, how I’ve been hurt and how I’ve been used. Definitely, I should strip off the things that are holding me back today and the things about me which they’ve learned to love must be eternal treasures as I embark on my journey.
My faith is being sharpened by a person, someone who can’t be outside my reality. I’m afraid that one day will come that I’ll be dropped very hard and find myself shattered in the end. Sabi nga nina D and A, “Bawal ma-excite!” I've been practicing it. My intellect demands a lot of answers by asking one simple question. I am flying without any direction, see? I’m enjoying free will. The feeling of not distanced allows me to get pleasure from trouble-free days; holding the gift of peace. Finally. Yes, I think so.
I bought two classic books and I’m currently reading Nathaniel Hawthorne’s “The Scarlet Letter”. I wanna go on to the next chapter! Boo to school papers that must be submitted. Rarrr. Ha ha.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
the unknown
Someone threw care to me through the wind and just left. Fair enough because I believe, a better life awaits that person and that's one thing I cannot give anymore. I’m through with the rough patch. New strength is finally here to enjoy “one great feeling” more. To do stupid things, act strangely and offer anything from this wonderful bliss. It defeated my defenses but nonetheless, it has become a part of me; a deeper emotion. Days have been appearing gentle with their static electricity wrapping me from within. I feel a change coming though I don’t know how it would affect me and what it is really all about.
I’m walking around blind, attaching myself to what I feel and I am serious about it. This is freedom. It reminds me that I have choices. That I have options. I never really stopped hoping and believing because there isn’t anything guaranteed. Let’s see where it will take me. No matter how hard I’d try to forget it ever happened, a week filled with breathtaking moments, I won’t let it slip away that easy. It’s something. It’s beauty. It’s something---something for me to give my all.
I’m walking around blind, attaching myself to what I feel and I am serious about it. This is freedom. It reminds me that I have choices. That I have options. I never really stopped hoping and believing because there isn’t anything guaranteed. Let’s see where it will take me. No matter how hard I’d try to forget it ever happened, a week filled with breathtaking moments, I won’t let it slip away that easy. It’s something. It’s beauty. It’s something---something for me to give my all.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Sssssh...
Sleeping didn’t lift up my troubles, vulnerability and moving thoughts last night. My actions must be pleasant from day to day when they don’t appear to be. I’ve been weird for the past dew days. The same person I’ve mentioned from my previous entry still needs my help and I want to be there for that person. She has been crying, separating happiness from the paradise of delight, visualizing memories she shared with the guy for they’re the only ones that appear responsive to her senses.
She asked me if I can find a girl for her. Yes, she can’t stay in one place forever but there is a road made especially for her. I didn’t use my gaydar ability. Based on the saga of her life as I’ve been witnessing it, a new possible love must begin for her (she deserves it) and it will definitely be given by a man, I believe. I made use of the time to explain further about it. I wonder why a lot of people detest homosexuality but they can’t dare not to look at it or think about it. What saddens me is when one is drawn to show his extreme dislike to ensure he isn’t like that or the other way around which is granting the other option, trying to portray one’s self as homosexual or bisexual after a great turbulence in life---breaking up with his partner. It’s a special thing exclusive to few people. Why make it as an excuse? You have to slow down a bit if your heart is capable to enter its world when it’s the one that invites in the first place. Love is all about souls and their splendor.
I find myself caught in a maelstrom of emotion, although I admit I have my own issues to be solved. Several possibilities don’t resonate when a lot of times, I wouldn’t realize about having that particular thing wanting me badly not until the anticipation for disappointment had already confined my desire to give in. My dominance to hold in personal feelings was already destroyed by an erroneous conclusion, when in fact, that certain world is one thing I haven’t crossed or stepped on with pride. To make it short, I’m not free enough to wipe away grievances by embracing magic.
Don’t ever say we haven’t experienced magic. It chooses us. We’re not well-informed about it and allowing the spell to occupy one’s self is a risky thing to do. Everything has its end and so many acts of misery and pain no matter how brief, will be done. It’s just part of the story very different from what we pictured them to be. Better not to expect. I’d rather fall to the ground with my own weight and believe that I want to see more of the world by blasting off into the next dimension.
I’ve been asked by some people how I am able to say these things using this blog. By the way I started blogging when I was in Grade 5. At home, I was raised to become conscious of the good and bad though I don’t stand for rules without deciphering first of what they tell me before exercising right away. Some rules don’t work for me so I drop them. There comes a point when I’d like to go back and be a rebel daughter again but in the back of my mind, the person I am now cares to put me into awareness how it won’t be worth it after all.
I sincerely mean every action, every word I do and say to people around me. These things give greater strength and form the story of my life. I’m never empty as new experiences are never-ending and do fill me up constantly. I’ve been a carrier of secrets having the thought that I make sure that the gentleness of my curiosity would allow someone to open up without any form of distraction. It has been working just by answering my need for others’ experiences and learning from them is my first priority. This blog is all about me and you and you and, you.
I love the metaphor of life: The unexpected twists, randomness, silence, regret, confusion, captivating helpless moments. I'm overwhelmed. Waaahooo.
I love the metaphor of life: The unexpected twists, randomness, silence, regret, confusion, captivating helpless moments. I'm overwhelmed. Waaahooo.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
when do you say it's over?
That's Emz, my soooo damn beautiful friend! Wooohoo! He went to our place today. We prepared one great celebration for him!
There are women who thrive on making men feel guilty after a game. Sure, I could be a victim of stupid games but I’m old enough to discern if something isn’t sexual, isn’t love or for God’s sake, just plain “nothing”. Women should redeem their extraordinary identity; one reason why an irresistible allure ensnares my respect and attentiveness while observing them. I couldn’t put pity on a person when she was the one who chose her fate in the first place but it doesn’t put an end to my question on why there are men who are fond of creating victims, women so to speak.
Evil pulled me down; my heart is filled with annoyance. I got a call this afternoon from a person very close to me. She asked me a favor if there’s a way I could fetch her, head home with her, after waking up from a plaything, believing that the guy loved her. As what I always say, I’m ready to beat someone in whichever way he’ll try to hurt these people very special to me. It’s a lousy thing to do, manipulating a person and getting pleasure out of a controlled response. How can you actually tell “I love you” when these three words are not in agreement? Giving the idea that there’s a relationship when in fact, you’re granting the person that power he can never possess. And lastly, building a promise but unaware of its real meaning.
People can do the best thing in this kind of world by loving one another. I witnessed her crying the moment I was there to see her. Tears wrapped her soul, one soul that had so much love to offer. If there’s a way to release the hold that guy had on her, IF ONLY! How could I? My own conviction can’t rule her life. I’d like to change her fear. I’d like to convert her pain into a brighter realization. I’d like to run away with her from this sorry world. Tough one. Very tough. There’s a sturdy force, a magnet for stitching two people and logic going into the situation is unable to help. You rarely notice it. Like other people, I’ve been dying to be influenced by the force: to “always” see the fireworks, the magic, and the brightness of every day. Probably, like her, fear is ruling my life.
Something is wrong with me (also) and it’s breaking my heart. I may want to see this person feel this affection as I do. I was told that I’m unfair and how can I possibly learn to reciprocate the love offered to me. In no way can I go farther, when I’m stranded. I can’t have everything I want. Not even peace.
Friday, August 11, 2006
whatever form of wrath!
Finally, over with the exams! I couldn’t be any happier!
I’ve been talking to some high school friends for the past few days. The feeling of security and comfort is just remarkable. The platonic level combines with my free will and it’s very liberating. They just know me very well.
I’m still fucked up. I finally have admitted to myself, I lost a good high school friend. Selfishness is deeply embedded inside her heart. I hate it, when the self-centered passion of one person has a cruel attempt to attain all passions and desires in whichever way even if it can violate the right kind of ethics and character. I’ve fallen into the trap of speaking so much about my private life to her. And dyaraaaaan, everyone knows about it now! Shit. It was evident how much I trusted her. I was dropped like hell for one reason that a kind of desire she had, I couldn’t be in agreement with. As the saying goes, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” Nothing’s bad when you flirt a little, but the danger side of it is when the overwhelming greediness can convert you to become inconsiderate. It has been depressing, people come and go; scenario vaguely tells me how I could actually go through this kind of life without these people I consider as my “friends”.
But what am I to do. Life is full of obstacles. It comes in all shapes and sizes. I believe people must say about their stories (man, so many stories to tell!!) in able to attain the level of sincerity he must provide people around him. I talk about my reality and I’m not afraid to do so. Many broken relationships are all over the place so as lonely and depressed people. The façade of anger would constantly hold up the power to forgive. It takes time, a lot of time. In my case, I wouldn’t wait for the time I’m willing to give up this anger I am feeling. I just hope that it will arrive at my doors and this bleak path will soon go away. I don’t forget easily. I just don’t.
The way people practice the art of loving nowadays appears alien to me. The emergence of such belief in connection and partnership doesn’t make any sense to me anymore. Possessiveness and lack of trust, damn, pathetic. If trust ain’t around, make me forget about the whole connection.
I’ve been carefully counting the days, the point I totally couldn’t have extreme happiness. My yearning for a promising thing, something that wouldn’t disappear easily brought me to this haze. Beauty is appealing. Sometimes, we could forget appreciating once in a while that it's mainly found in people and not in just ordinary things.
I’ve been talking to some high school friends for the past few days. The feeling of security and comfort is just remarkable. The platonic level combines with my free will and it’s very liberating. They just know me very well.
I’m still fucked up. I finally have admitted to myself, I lost a good high school friend. Selfishness is deeply embedded inside her heart. I hate it, when the self-centered passion of one person has a cruel attempt to attain all passions and desires in whichever way even if it can violate the right kind of ethics and character. I’ve fallen into the trap of speaking so much about my private life to her. And dyaraaaaan, everyone knows about it now! Shit. It was evident how much I trusted her. I was dropped like hell for one reason that a kind of desire she had, I couldn’t be in agreement with. As the saying goes, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” Nothing’s bad when you flirt a little, but the danger side of it is when the overwhelming greediness can convert you to become inconsiderate. It has been depressing, people come and go; scenario vaguely tells me how I could actually go through this kind of life without these people I consider as my “friends”.
But what am I to do. Life is full of obstacles. It comes in all shapes and sizes. I believe people must say about their stories (man, so many stories to tell!!) in able to attain the level of sincerity he must provide people around him. I talk about my reality and I’m not afraid to do so. Many broken relationships are all over the place so as lonely and depressed people. The façade of anger would constantly hold up the power to forgive. It takes time, a lot of time. In my case, I wouldn’t wait for the time I’m willing to give up this anger I am feeling. I just hope that it will arrive at my doors and this bleak path will soon go away. I don’t forget easily. I just don’t.
The way people practice the art of loving nowadays appears alien to me. The emergence of such belief in connection and partnership doesn’t make any sense to me anymore. Possessiveness and lack of trust, damn, pathetic. If trust ain’t around, make me forget about the whole connection.
I’ve been carefully counting the days, the point I totally couldn’t have extreme happiness. My yearning for a promising thing, something that wouldn’t disappear easily brought me to this haze. Beauty is appealing. Sometimes, we could forget appreciating once in a while that it's mainly found in people and not in just ordinary things.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
a feeling of weariness
A Supply of Misery
The stronghold of my life
Must conspire with wrath and bitterness
More words are necessary to express
One lost its meaning beforehand
It’s déjà vu
Previously been here
Fugacious smile captivates something within
Deep and peaceful flow, acuteness of hallucination
Sanctum promises freedom, urbane direct actions
My biting temper attracts confusion
And the other part of the story,
Which is Change itself
Predilection ought to be constrained
The might of my eyes expressing grief
The bragging voice and sweet words
The tender care of an aching silence
Halcyon days drawing closer
No more great quantities of ecstasy
Must conspire with wrath and bitterness
More words are necessary to express
One lost its meaning beforehand
It’s déjà vu
Previously been here
Fugacious smile captivates something within
Deep and peaceful flow, acuteness of hallucination
Sanctum promises freedom, urbane direct actions
My biting temper attracts confusion
And the other part of the story,
Which is Change itself
Predilection ought to be constrained
The might of my eyes expressing grief
The bragging voice and sweet words
The tender care of an aching silence
Halcyon days drawing closer
No more great quantities of ecstasy
Aliveness of luminosity,
Gentle current of sadness,
Untamed plea of freedom,
Places where I once considered home
The stable appearance of bliss left
And yet its momentary stay
Taught the dangers and nature of life
Gentle current of sadness,
Untamed plea of freedom,
Places where I once considered home
The stable appearance of bliss left
And yet its momentary stay
Taught the dangers and nature of life
Ohhh, I took an online quiz :)
The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
| Level | Score |
|---|---|
| Purgatory (Repenting Believers) | High |
| Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) | Low |
| Level 2 (Lustful) | High |
| Level 3 (Gluttonous) | Very Low |
| Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) | Low |
| Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) | Moderate |
| Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) | Very Low |
| Level 7 (Violent) | High |
| Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) | Moderate |
| Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) | Low |
Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
m a d
I can't imagine how many times I've lost it. Decisions aren't enough for my mind be in wonder. I want my body to be committed at the same time. How can I make a jump? I'm so upset; permitting my heart to get numb when someone doesn't acknowledge my need for touch and sensitivity. Look, inside my heart and you'll see addicitions, unforgiveness, pride!! All these rough edges were taken away the moment I realised that I have to change; one step at a time. Yes, I'm so fucking mad. Something happened today. One message made this day soooo hella shit. I hope the person would feel shame and guilt and couldn't escape!!
I'd like to give a part of myself having my other parts obedient as well.
Good thing, I learned two great words (both in Italian) today:
pazienza and sacrificio.
I'd like to give a part of myself having my other parts obedient as well.
Good thing, I learned two great words (both in Italian) today:
pazienza and sacrificio.
Monday, August 07, 2006
saying enough from too much drama
OPERATOR, THE LINE IS DEAD
Jason Lo
I guess I never wanted this
Another 'ever after' kiss...
Oh Operator, the line is dead
Oh no, it's only me and all the walls inside my head
And for the record I was lost
With only one road I could never cross
And that's the road that takes me here
Oh no, not again
This is where it started
I need you, I'm for you
You threw me, I caught you
Don't leave me and say that you want to find a way back
Believe me, I followed all you said...
Oh Operator, the line is dead
How come you never look away
Everybody bought but I paid
You're not the one who left me here
Oh no, that was me and all the things I wanted
But now I find you different
You broke up all the walls in my head
Please don't go
Thanks Kyels, for introducing the song to me! ;)
Saturday, August 05, 2006
what a ym status!
"But only in their dreams can men be truly free." John Keating to McAllister - from the movie Dead Poets Society
You visited my dreams and the moment I woke up, something inside began to hurt. Right there, you found me guilty of something. Time is fleeting. In reality, there should be no time for dreams. What is it about you? You're probably just a dream or rather, a fantasy. But nonetheless, you set me free, once again. You take me from one moment to the next. Everything is full of surprises. You've been a gift in my life. You always execute a sweet gesture. You don't judge. I can bother you with my troubles because you listen; what an effective way to find you too attractive and charming. It has been a year, of trying to avoid this admiration I have for you.
Off the topic: I couldn't believe I've written this mushy thing before! Yes, click the link if you'd like to. It's an old entry.
Friday, August 04, 2006
the flight of chaotic wind
I wasn’t trained not to question. To be genuinely honest regarding what is inside my heart is what I want. I listen to what I have to know and can’t bear letting my mind be somewhere else. I do listen. I’ve decided that there has to be change though I couldn’t celebrate life’s indulgences yet. Not at this moment when I lost my focus on things.
Thanks to these people who took care of me and have shown great tenderness. There’s one thing dear to me which I believe hasn’t ended badly. When I let go of something, there’s this aching level of sadness that goes with it. But yes, I am not yet letting go. My rules have disappointed me though I’d still choose to locate myself at that certain position for others to examine how they should treat me.
I’d like to help people. It’s not everyday that you can let somebody else monitor if you’re passing through the right path. If you’re hurt, no one holds the responsibility for your personal pain. Some people just can’t control themselves. I do have my helpless moments and once in a while, I do travel to the stream of consciousness in order to have clear thinking. Some people want others to help them, but what’s the point when they go off to do their thing as though have never listened and the initial request made it difficult to help them. I see no point.
The act of being myself and to be appreciated by someone is wonderful. There are certain things that would draw closer to me no matter how hard I try departing in secret. I ask for the truth because denial has a way of grasping and squeezing the chest when things have to be forgotten and of course, denied. Remember, there’s no way you can run from these things.
I still have hope in my heart, it’s funny. A part that also saddens me. I found my kind of world. And I want to be part of it. I don’t want too much to spend my time in experimentation. I’m surely aware of what these results are. To that certain world of mine, someday, I’ll make it there. People would be aware that there are a lot of possibilities, that there are so many other things beyond our control. I can’t spend the rest of my life trying to please people, ending up displeased. I don’t impose my will on people but there’s this responsibility I should do to myself. Even if I'm living in my own chaotic world, on the brighter side of it, there's "chance" when I give it a try and present my own force. I won't be planning the route, I know who I am, and it's the journey that really matters.
Shit.
There are various causes for this pain I am feeling. Several people. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to cry at the suffering that has captured one’s heart. It makes me want to cry that one day, I’ll suffer badly at my own decisions. It makes me want to cry that I’ll always be incapable of complete happiness when I could hurt others out of the force which comes from my heart’s influence. If I should end up alone in the end, it’s the fear of the unknown that would rule me. The act of loss and bitterness, if should be done, how would I react? I wish there’ll always be hope no matter how foggy the direction forward is.
Thanks to these people who took care of me and have shown great tenderness. There’s one thing dear to me which I believe hasn’t ended badly. When I let go of something, there’s this aching level of sadness that goes with it. But yes, I am not yet letting go. My rules have disappointed me though I’d still choose to locate myself at that certain position for others to examine how they should treat me.
I’d like to help people. It’s not everyday that you can let somebody else monitor if you’re passing through the right path. If you’re hurt, no one holds the responsibility for your personal pain. Some people just can’t control themselves. I do have my helpless moments and once in a while, I do travel to the stream of consciousness in order to have clear thinking. Some people want others to help them, but what’s the point when they go off to do their thing as though have never listened and the initial request made it difficult to help them. I see no point.
The act of being myself and to be appreciated by someone is wonderful. There are certain things that would draw closer to me no matter how hard I try departing in secret. I ask for the truth because denial has a way of grasping and squeezing the chest when things have to be forgotten and of course, denied. Remember, there’s no way you can run from these things.
I still have hope in my heart, it’s funny. A part that also saddens me. I found my kind of world. And I want to be part of it. I don’t want too much to spend my time in experimentation. I’m surely aware of what these results are. To that certain world of mine, someday, I’ll make it there. People would be aware that there are a lot of possibilities, that there are so many other things beyond our control. I can’t spend the rest of my life trying to please people, ending up displeased. I don’t impose my will on people but there’s this responsibility I should do to myself. Even if I'm living in my own chaotic world, on the brighter side of it, there's "chance" when I give it a try and present my own force. I won't be planning the route, I know who I am, and it's the journey that really matters.
Shit.
There are various causes for this pain I am feeling. Several people. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to cry at the suffering that has captured one’s heart. It makes me want to cry that one day, I’ll suffer badly at my own decisions. It makes me want to cry that I’ll always be incapable of complete happiness when I could hurt others out of the force which comes from my heart’s influence. If I should end up alone in the end, it’s the fear of the unknown that would rule me. The act of loss and bitterness, if should be done, how would I react? I wish there’ll always be hope no matter how foggy the direction forward is.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
come and resurrect me
Damn it, yesterday was tough. I got into a disastrous conflict with some people. It was shit, man. I hate people who crave badly just to get into the social status for labels like “hottie” and “cool”. Forget them! What can someone get out of his thirst for attention that drives the need only to harm others? Popularity is transitory and fleeting. And by the way, they’ve crossed the edge of my patience. My principle cannot be disproved no matter how hard you try! And besides, I cannot believe without any doubt to all false and artificial stories (especially made) by these two morons regarding one person “very” close to me. My values taught me to recognize the difference of a firm foundation from a fake one. I do my thing. Do your “own” thing. Back off!
Regardless of some desolate moments, I’ve learned to smile once in a while. I can’t make an attempt to invent what I think others would accept. The process is hard, wrapping aggravation around me, but there is nothing wrong when I love these people beyond measure and obey my thirst. I’ve been too much of a coward to expose myself to the truth, so please, give me time.
Have you somehow felt it, I mean, you believe that emptiness is right there inside your heart? And, it’s something you can’t explain. You just feel it. I have three things on my mind right now. I still lay my bets and try winning the lottery. I do go to a fortune teller thrice a year. I don’t learn from past mistakes.
Desire for real life can sometimes be unmanageable. I’m not a god. I’ll always be searching for these things and see if they can fill the hole in my heart. It’s frustrating when the more I search, the more I get lost. In reality, I got to see that gaining money from the lottery can’t be promised, predictions from a fortune teller are true but interpretations vary that they could mislead, and it’s up to you if you want to learn (from life), yet there will always be growth in the end. It’s all about trying, believing and enduring. Of course, put God above everything; to humbly strive and reach your goals.
Regardless of some desolate moments, I’ve learned to smile once in a while. I can’t make an attempt to invent what I think others would accept. The process is hard, wrapping aggravation around me, but there is nothing wrong when I love these people beyond measure and obey my thirst. I’ve been too much of a coward to expose myself to the truth, so please, give me time.
Have you somehow felt it, I mean, you believe that emptiness is right there inside your heart? And, it’s something you can’t explain. You just feel it. I have three things on my mind right now. I still lay my bets and try winning the lottery. I do go to a fortune teller thrice a year. I don’t learn from past mistakes.
Desire for real life can sometimes be unmanageable. I’m not a god. I’ll always be searching for these things and see if they can fill the hole in my heart. It’s frustrating when the more I search, the more I get lost. In reality, I got to see that gaining money from the lottery can’t be promised, predictions from a fortune teller are true but interpretations vary that they could mislead, and it’s up to you if you want to learn (from life), yet there will always be growth in the end. It’s all about trying, believing and enduring. Of course, put God above everything; to humbly strive and reach your goals.
Dreaming is limitless. It’s a shame that sometimes I construct it as my reality already. My emotional senses are often shaken, and I can be an evil person that you’ll wonder if I’m a real Christian. I do break laws. I’m not concerned about the consequences when I believe that what I am doing is right. Let me be the one to realize on my own if it is wrong. I don’t confess my sins to a priest because I do it directly with God. I’m one sinful person so to speak, and commandments shouldn’t discipline me when I can rely on my own self to do such thing. My personal relationship with Him can’t be seen through signing of the cross or attending mass every Sunday. I serve God with my character as a person by presenting what I can give to other people freely and without reluctance.
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